• Obama, to prove he does not hate New Orleans and has zero plans to willfully destroy it—as per the tradition of his predecessor—will visit this afternoon. [Los Angeles Times]
• Over 30 people were killed in a series of coordinated terrorist goings-on in Islamabad. [New York Times]
• The Arctic’s ice will be completely gone in 20 years. Add “carbon emissions” to “rock salt” on the national What Melts Snow list. [Times Online]
• Obama wants to give $250 to every senior and disabled person this winter, since there will not be the traditional increase on Social Security benefit checks. [Washington Post]
• Probationary Kennedy Maria Shriver has apologized for talking on her cell phone while driving, for such is illegal in California. This is like literally the third time this has happened. [CNN]
• Uhh… the Germans are constructing a new Berlin Wall, out of Styrofoam… because they want to knock it down again. Ha ha.  It seems this is how most things start, in Germany. [WSJ]

In today’s long-awaited “Tuesday Fun Video,” Mexican CNN anchor Rick Sanchez plays Mexican music over footage of a massive iceberg collapsing into the ocean, near Greenland, just to put on a show for tourists. While you Science-pansies out there may whine, “Wah wah global warming wah wah wah,” just like that, your Wonkette sees an opportunity to flex its God-given capitalistic rights with a “tourist trap:” Watch the Earth DIE, live! [HuffPo]

Who twitters for Metro? Tolstoy? You cannot write long-winded descriptions of the Great Steppe of Russia, where the peasants are honest and work with their hands (and the Metro stop has no working escalators). Sorry Leo, there’s a 140-character limit. [Unsuck Metro DC]
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An actual 21st-century human whose purpose in life is to slum around masturbating in the Royal Forest every day until his mother dies and he becomes “King of England,” after which his purpose in life will be to slum around masturbating in the Royal Forest every day, may never reacheth this apex of Masturbator-King of England — by his own divinations! Britannia’s beloved nut-child recently tooketh out his Golden TI-86 Calculator, entered Functions, and anatomized the percolations of his Arithmetick, only to ascertain — as orated by Royal Edict last e’en — “that we have just 96 months left to save the world.” Ball’s in your court, Gore. [Independent]

• Jonah Goldberg, the fellow who harnessed the powers of alchemy to transmutate his vomit into a New York Times best-seller, is — surprise surprise — a flaming Trekkie. [The Corner]
• Nazi sympathizer Barack Obama wants to visit Dresden, the capital of East Germany. Fine. But he better not say anything about that time we melted Dresden with giant fireballs from the sky, because we’re not sorry and we’d, like, totally do it again. [Power Line]
• Some lady on the Internet has concluded, “Aspirations for a career, independence, and individuality are in competition with a female’s deep and permanent biological makeup.” The National Organization for Women now will present Congress with a revised Equal Rights Amendment protecting every young wife’s biological right to a Valium prescription. [Right Wing News]
• A certain Burger King in Tennessee knows a thing or two about Global Warming: namely that it is a sack of crap conjured up by the Elders of Zion. [AMERICAblog]
• Speaking at the National Press Club, Bullshitter Dick Cheney opened with an aggressive 9/11 Gambit, at which point black should have played the Logic Defense. Acutely aware of his tactically superior position, Cheney was able to move his pawn up to the eighth rank, where he exchanged it for “THE IRAQ WAR SAVED LIVES.” Checkmate. 1-0. [Think Progress]

Opossum-eyed Jesus geologist Joe Barton, Republican Congressman from Texas, signaled his intent last month to stop the liberal Waxman-Markey energy bill — the one with cap-and-trade, which is about hamburgers — with traditional adult methods of opposition: “I’m going to be the sneaky little guy that pops up from behind the bush and fights the guerrilla. But guerrilla warfare does succeed sometimes.” (Fortunately for him this world has professional transcribers, because he definitely was saying he wanted to fight a gorilla.) And now he is popping up from behind the bush with a reasonable plan to block the legislation by proposing 450 comical amendments — four-hundred-and-fifty — that will simply be rejected, one by one, during an exhausting process that will embarrass the United States around the world and in Heaven. HAW HAW HAW. MORE »

Boo hoo, Nobama’s so-called “empathy administration” sure doesn’t have much empathy for the nation’s Polar Bears. Mean old George W. Bush wouldn’t put the Snow Monsters on the Endangered Species list, and now Barack Obama’s Interior Department won’t do it, either. Why does this slick street hustler hate nature? MORE »

Al Gore’s on Capitol Hill today to talk about his science! So is Newt Gingrich, for no apparent reason. But back to Al Gore! Here’s Tennessee meanie Rep. Marsha Blackburn calling Al Gore an evil criminal, just looking for a profit like your average dyed-in-the-wool socialist. (?). Then he tells her, hey Marsha, don’t you even go there, Marsha. And below we have Al Gore taking question from everyone’s favorite hero, Joe Barton. Al tells Joe that sometimes the corporations tell lies. As if Joe doesn’t know. Hey John Warner’s there too! How about that. MORE »

You knew this was coming: Barack Obama’s “Environmental Protection Agency” announced today — wait for it! — that the theoretical leftist fantasy of Global Warming/Climate Change is somehow “not cool” and therefore your tax cuts will now be used, through FEMA NWO death squads, to “create millions of green jobs and end our country’s dependence on foreign oil,” in the words of EPA administrator Lisa P. Jackson, who probably doesn’t even believe Jesus had a pet dinosaur. MORE »

Remember that goofy “Earth Hour” that took place whenever, sometime last week, when a bunch of Australian hippies unplugged their GORP generators for an hour to save the earth? Apparently some intrepid conservatives/global warming deniers decided to use MOAR ELECTIRICETIES during that same hour, just to be dicks! MORE »

Today was supposed to be an exciting day for science as NASA planned to launch its “Orbiting Carbon Observatory,” a fancy new Space Machine that would study carbon dioxide levels in the atmosphere and calculate the exact moment when Earth will die, from heat. The $273.4 million, 972-pound monster “carried a single three-channel spectrometer to make its detailed measurements and was slated to launch into a near-polar, sun-synchronous orbit that would fly about 438 miles (705 kilometers) above Earth.” Well, it blew up right after launch, so global warming still does not exist. MORE »