Tag: glenn beck

Treasury Putting Black People And Women All Over Our Money, America Fails To Freak Out

The forces of Political Correctness continue to roll all over our U.S. American money! In addition to making abolitionist, spy, and all-around badass Harriet Tubman the new face of the $20 bill, the Treasury Department has announced a whole...
Oh christ, she's TRYING to be funny...

Sarah Palin Right About Thing, When Thing = ‘Don’t Wish Gang-Rape On Sarah Palin’

<a href="http://wonkette.com/599566/half-term-governor-says-half-term-senator-too-inexperienced-to-be-half-term-president"></a>Never say that Wonkette is not fair to Sarah Palin. Oh yeah, we are usually making hilarious jokes about how she quits everything and she's a giant grifter and she can't talk good, and maybe if she spent...

America Might Not Have Embarrassing Clown Louie Gohmert To Kick Around Any More

Presidential candidates aren't the only thing Texas is going to play Hold 'Em with on Super Tuesday, as there is also GOHMERS! Texas Congresscritter Louis Bumblescrunch Gohmert IV (R-Some Shithole) is under attack in his own backyard! No, not from...
He loves America so much, and this is the thanks he gets?

Glenn Beck Loves Ted Cruz So Much He Wants To Lose Weight For Him

Do you guys remember Glenn Beck? Gray-haired fellow, wept a lot? Preppy clothes? Opened his own weird America-loving clothing line, broke his brain? Not ringing a bell? Did we mention the part where he was a literal crying machine,...
You can tell he's being silly because his appleheaded vagina mouth is in the "giggle" position.

Donald Trump Just Teasing, Won’t Commit Murder To Test Idiot Fans’ Loyalty

Donald J. Trump's jokes are too funny for average people to understand sometimes. This weekend, he said, "I could stand in the middle of 5th Avenue and shoot somebody and I wouldn’t lose any voters, OK? It’s, like, incredible."...
Love the smell of Republican infighting!

RNC Fires Racist Dirtbag Magazine For Being Mean To Racist Dirtbag Candidate

Oh how terrible, it seems that Donald Trump's existence continues to tear the Republican Party asunder, we are so deeply sorry about how hard we are LOLing. National Review, the racist collective of racist goons spawned from William F. Buckley,...
True fact: Nerdy smiles started as a prison fashion, like saggy pants

Muslim Clock Nerd Ahmed Mohamed Gonna Sue Bejesus Out Of Bigot Texas Town

In a development we've only been anticipating since Day One, the family of Ahmed Mohamed is threatening to sue over a September incident in which the 14-year-old was arrested after he brought a home-rebuilt alarm clock to school in Irving,...
The sleepiest little candidate

Ben Carson Will Defund Commie Liberal Colleges, Because Freedom

You have to love Ben Carson's commitment to fight the forces of Political Correctness, because he knows the greatest threat to freedom is all these crazy liberals and their insistence that you can't be in favor of guns or...
Guess what she can see now

Sarah Palin Has Learned To Word Salad In Russian, Y’all

Let's not fuck around. Here is Sarah Palin, speaking at a Tea Party rally in Washington DC on Wednesday, in opposition to the deal with Iran. Or Eye-ran, if you prefer, as she does. We won't bother with lengthy...
Idea hat.

Louie Gohmert Says He’ll Quit Congress Over Iran Deal, Bye Dumbass!

All these Republican wingnut jokesters, making promises they never keep! So Rep. Louie Gohmert (R-Asparagus Aspersions) is very, very upset about the Iran deal, because it's not a treaty, which means Iran won't pay any attention to it, and...
Happy Bey-Day, Mike Huckabee's archnemesis!

Happy Birthday Beyoncé, Mike Huckabee Still Thinks You’re A Whore!

BREAKING NEWS, GUYS. On this day in (year redacted because TIMELESS, but also 1981), Beyoncé Knowles was bornded, and then she went on "Star Search," and then she did Destiny's Child, and then she broke off on her own and...
King of the Jews

Ted Cruz Will Save Jew Churches From The Homosexuals

Hey Jewish people, how was your weekend? Did you go to Jew Church and get very upset because you don't want President Obama to force your Jew Church to do gay weddings? OBVIOUSLY YOU DID. But don't worry anymore,...
And Glenn Beck isn't even governor!

Texas To Build Very Own Gold Stash Inside Giant 20-Acre Mattress

Texas is pretty busy checking off items on its rightwing-obsession bucket list. It's got open carry for handguns, voter ID to keep the Wrong People from voting, it's aggressively not regulating chemical plants, and since you never know when the...

Glenn Beck Says Texas Flooded Because Rick Perry Is Just Too Darned Good At Prayin’

For a limited time only, we're going to agree with Glenn Beck, on a thing, and yes, we promise to never do it again. See, during a recent episode of the "show" he "broadcasts" on the interweb, from some...
Sometimes he likes to imagine being president

Shhhh, Texas, Everything Will Be Fine When Rick Perry Is President

Have you noticed how perfectly reasonable people who used to wave flags and heart America and scream things like "LOVE IT OR LEAVE IT, TRAITOR!" have suddenly, for no reason whatsoever, become suspicious of their government, just because the...
And NO homos

Congressjerk Steve King Warns We Must Brace For Endless Civil War, Thanks SCOTUS

Bad news, guys. We're about to kick off another civil war, according to Iowa Rep. Steve King, who is definitely not A Idiot. What with the Supreme Court poised to force King and all his close personal hetero-friends to...