Tag Archives: glenn beck

  gun fun with glenn

Totally Rational Behavior: Glenn Beck Shoots Things So He Feels Better About Chris McDaniel’s Loss

We knew there would be some maximum sadmad from the super-right about Chris McDaniel’s loss in the Mississippi Senate primary to Thad Cochran on Tuesday, a loss only made possible by meddling black people, and we really should have held a contest to see who would be the derpiest. Haha of course we didn’t need to do that because it is Glenn Beck today, Glenn Beck tomorrow, Glenn Beck forever. Read more on Totally Rational Behavior: Glenn Beck Shoots Things So He Feels Better About Chris McDaniel’s Loss…
  take the money and run

Glenn Beck Discovers Nefarious Government Plot To Return Unclaimed Property To Rightful Owners

It’s a day ending in -y, so you better bet Glenn Beck is out there whipping people into a frenzy over completely made-up shit. Seriously, what is it like to be that paranoid all the time? It must be weird to live with the constant certainty that every mundane occurrence is actually the government generally or Barack Obama personally coming for you and your stuff. Today’s scaremongering came with this SHOCKING HEADLINE: “This happened: Government confiscates money from a member of Glenn’s staff.” Yes, that totally makes it sound as if rando dude that works with Glenn Beck, Joe Kerry, had some jackbooted thugs come take his money away so they could give it right to Sasha and Malia, but you don’t need us to tell you that’s some straight up nonsense. Read more on Glenn Beck Discovers Nefarious Government Plot To Return Unclaimed Property To Rightful Owners…
  we suffer for his art

Glenn Beck’s Cool New Artsy Friend ‘Sabo’ Can Say The N-Word Any Time He Wants

Remember a few months ago when Andrew Breitbart’s website for angry neckbeards launched Breitbart California? And they kicked off the launch with some cool edgy posters of Nancy Pelosi’s face on Miley Cyrus’s body? And then there were the Abortion Barbie Wendy Davis posters, which totally made us want an Abortion Barbie? The artistic genius behind those posters is a perpetual darling of the right, an anonymous street artist named Sabo, a dude who is basically a dime-store Banksy, if Bansky was a super racist homophobe. Glenn Beck had this toolshed on his pretend internet teevee show on Monday, mainly so that Beck and Sabo could sit around, chill, kick it, and ask the hard questions, like “why can’t we just say n*gger all the time like we want to?” Deep, man, deep. Read more on Glenn Beck’s Cool New Artsy Friend ‘Sabo’ Can Say The N-Word Any Time He Wants…
  'box of dildos' would be a great band name

Here’s Your Video With Glenn Beck Going On And On About Dildos

So here’s two minutes of Glenn Beck talking about the terrible horrible no good very bad thing that happened at a high school in Bellingham, Washington, Glenn’s home town. Basically, a teacher let her drama club students plan their own end-of-year awards ceremony. And high school students being high school students — actually, worse: high school drama club members being high school drama club members, it got raunchy. Rude jokes, rude awards, and casual awfulness. You know. High school stuff. Except that the teacher, Teri Grimes, “a veteran of three decades who is slated to retire after this year,” apparently didn’t step in and censor the kids’ presentation, because she Just Hates America. And also, maybe after nearly thirty years, she thought there was some merit in letting kids design and run their own awards show. Like they do in Communist Roosha. Read more on Here’s Your Video With Glenn Beck Going On And On About Dildos…
  becki-becki-becki-stan-stan

Glenn Beck Doubles Down On Rape Sketch, Because He Is A Terrible Monster In A Human Skin Suit

Hey there, Glenn Beck! Thanks for being a regular feature on Wonkette this week, you beady-eyed cocksucker. You’ve really brought the crazy and the stupid and the crazy-stupid these last few days, for which we commend you. Your latest, this terrible sketch in which one of your minions mocked studies that indicate a widespread sexual assault problem against women on our nation’s college campuses, was already such a masterpiece, there was really no need for you to double down on it. But that’s what’s so great about you, Glenn. You are a dandelion seed on the wind, carried hither and yon, heedless of where you are at any given moment or where you may be going. Read more on Glenn Beck Doubles Down On Rape Sketch, Because He Is A Terrible Monster In A Human Skin Suit…
  what is this we don't even

The Glenn Beck Program Has Hilarious Video That Really Puts The Funny In Sexual Assault

Some days we watch videos like this one and think maybe the wingnuts are right when they claim that evolution is a lie. Because the people who put this thing together cannot possibly qualify as evolved, intelligent life forms. Seriously, the collective EEG readings for all the alleged humans who appear in this ode to idiocy must be flatter than a week-old glass of Tab. Read more on The Glenn Beck Program Has Hilarious Video That Really Puts The Funny In Sexual Assault…
  derp: it's what's for dinner

Glenn Beck Wins The Crazy Lotto With Innovative ‘Teddy Roosevelt Did Isla Vista’ Theory

We think we may have a winner in the “Stupidest shit anyone could say about Isla Vista” contest, from perennial entrant Glenn Beck, who proclaimed today on his radio show that parts of Elliot Rodger’s anti-woman manifesto were “almost an exact quote from Teddy Roosevelt.” We’d like to thank the other contestants for trying, and to remind them that idiocy of Beck’s caliber is a natural talent — they shouldn’t feel bad that their efforts fell short. Read more on Glenn Beck Wins The Crazy Lotto With Innovative ‘Teddy Roosevelt Did Isla Vista’ Theory…
  could it be ... satan?

Bigot Twins: Satan Overturned The Guilty Verdict In The Scopes Monkey Trial (And Canceled Our Show)

We really can’t get enough of those bigot twins, Jason and David Benham, whom HGTV unceremoniously kicked to the curb when they found out they were up-to-their-eyeballs-level full of bigot. After that, their bank tried to break up with them, but howler monkeys on the internet made the bank reverse its decision. We’re hoping the bank comes to regret that decision, given that the Benhams seem utterly incapable of shutting their pieholes and have left a rich trail of stupid all over the internet. Today’s find: evolution equals Satan, or brought Satan with it, or something. Read more on Bigot Twins: Satan Overturned The Guilty Verdict In The Scopes Monkey Trial (And Canceled Our Show)…
  no justice no peace

Eric Holder Forces Dinesh D’Souza To Plead Guilty To Crime Of Loving Free Speech Too Much

Remember back in January how unstoppable tyrant Barack Obama and his evil minion Eric Holder threw filmmaker and pretend smart person Dinesh D’Souza in a gulag for the terrible crime of not loving Obama and for believing in free speech and being an all-around hero? And Dinesh was all like “trumped up charges blah blah blah did I mention I made a film I will fight this to the death”? Looks like some of Obama’s goons got to noble Dinesh, because today he pleaded guilty to one of the charges — a criminal count of making illegal contributions in the names of others. It looks like the plea allows him to skate on the other charge of making false statements. Read more on Eric Holder Forces Dinesh D’Souza To Plead Guilty To Crime Of Loving Free Speech Too Much…
  dear mr. fantasy

Glenn Beck Pretty Sure That Joe Biden And Nancy Pelosi Will Holocaust Him Into Getting Tattoos

We’re perpetually amazed that Glenn Beck has a national platform — and a lot of money — to say things that would sound weird and paranoid even if they came from one of those guys that walks around wearing a “The World is Ending” sandwich board. What was Glenn going on about yesterday? Oh, nothing really, except how he won’t watch the hilariously awesome WHCD video that Joe Biden and Nancy Pelosi were in, but he is pretty sure it is leading us all to concentration camps. Read more on Glenn Beck Pretty Sure That Joe Biden And Nancy Pelosi Will Holocaust Him Into Getting Tattoos…
  the west wingnut

Glenn Beck ‘Worries’ Hillary Will Have Hott Lesbosexx All Over Oval Office Desk

Hero of Americanism and decency Glenn Beck took a few minutes to yell at politicians whose views on same-sex marriage have evolved, because changing your mind is weak and hypocritical, and nowhere near as principled as always holding the same views forever: “You’re saying this is the civil rights issue of our day, and you were such a coward you couldn’t do it until Hollywood changed everybody’s mind,” Beck said. “These people are disgusting.” Presumably, Mr. Beck also yells “hypocrite!” over the closing credits of A Christmas Carol every year, too. We bet he’d have been fun to have around in the late ’60s following Loving v. Virginia. And yet the spectacle of Captain Moodswing excoriating other people for inconsistency was only the start of the weird. Read more on Glenn Beck ‘Worries’ Hillary Will Have Hott Lesbosexx All Over Oval Office Desk…
  midlife crisis on infinite earths

Glenn Beck Tired Of Wasting Life, Wants To Make Movies Or Be A Cowboy Astronaut Fireman

Looks like Glenn Beck is having another of his mood swings, and has decided that everything is terrible, he’s tired of politics, and he just wants out. We feel ya, Glenn (not literally, oh no, heavens no). It can get to be a drag, especially when approached with the manic, barking terrier intensity of a Glenn Beck. But we get why he’s sick of it. It broke Ken Layne, after all. Maybe Glenn just needs to go out to the desert and commune with the tortoises for a while. He would probably get a lot out of that, FOR REAL. But instead of politics, he thinks maybe he’ll follow the example of Rick Santorum and make movies, because there’s a low-stress job. Or maybe he’ll just head up an apocalyptic death cult. No reason he can’t do both, like his role model, Frank Capra. Read more on Glenn Beck Tired Of Wasting Life, Wants To Make Movies Or Be A Cowboy Astronaut Fireman…
  all we are saying is give beck a chance

Glenn Beck Pretty Sure He Is Just Like Martin Luther King About This Whole Bundy Ranch Kerfuffle

We are discomfited when we find ourselves on the same side as Glenn Beck. Is it because we fear he’s standing next to us just to stab us in the kidneys? Yes! Is it because we fear he is off the rails and therefore if we are agreeing we might have jumped the track as well? Yes! But we find we are in agreement with the Crying One over the whole Waco Wannabe Shootout at the OK Corral thing happening in Nevada as militia and Tea Party types stand their ground on behalf of Cliven Bundy’s cattle, because Glenn Beck does not think that going full armed insurrection in Nevada is a dandy idea. Wait what? Read more on Glenn Beck Pretty Sure He Is Just Like Martin Luther King About This Whole Bundy Ranch Kerfuffle…
  fun with lawsuits

Glenn Beck Will Probably Cry Over The Fact That He Has Been Sued For Defamation Just For Calling Guy A Murderer

Do you remember last year when Glenn Beck was very very sure that the Boston Marathon bombing was a Muslim conspiracy and was pretty sure Michelle Obama went and cozied up to the kid Beck thought was the bomber, a Saudi national 20-year-old student named Abdul Rahman Ali Alharbi? Except then the whole thing fell apart thanks to Beck being dumb and not really understanding how immigration designations worked at all, but by this time the poor Saudi kid had been slimed from here to Kingdom Come? Yeah, about that. Beck’s in a wee bit of hot water and by “hot water” we mean “awesome defamation lawsuit” over the whole thing now. Read more on Glenn Beck Will Probably Cry Over The Fact That He Has Been Sued For Defamation Just For Calling Guy A Murderer…
  this must be the new world

Exene Cervenka Is Probably A 9/11 And Sandy Hook Truther Now And We Are Sad

Man, we love Exene Cervenka and X from way back. Like WAY back to “Johnny Hit And Run Paulene” back, so we are deeply sad and weirded out by the fact that Exene seems to have gone full-on conspiracy theorist on us when we weren’t looking. Say it ain’t so! Read more on Exene Cervenka Is Probably A 9/11 And Sandy Hook Truther Now And We Are Sad…
  comedy + tragedy = derp

Let Jim Garrow and Glenn Beck Crazysplain That Missing Malaysian Jet To You

While the rest of the world wails and rends garments over Joe Scarborough’s announcement that he will not grace us with his presence in the clusterfuck that is sure to be the 2016 presidential campaign, your Wonkette is hard at work bringing you the more important story of our day, which is that OBAMA DID MALAYSIA AIR #370!!!!DRUDGESIRENS!!!111!!!! Or something. Of course it’s just a theory but as always it is irresponsible not to speculate, especially if you are wild-eyed nutsack Jim Garrow. Wonkette’s current favorite conspiracy theorist has recovered from Obama’s recent attempt on his life and will not give up speaking truth to power about the Kenyan Usurper and his dastardly plans to…well, we’re not sure. Here, have some crazy: The plane has 20 technology nerds aboard who happen to work for China designing “classified” leading edge computer/internet control software and are carrying the matching hardware with them on the plane. They are heading to Beijing with all the others… While we are down the rabbit hole this far, lets [sic] go all the way. Oh sweet Jesus yes, let’s. Read more on Let Jim Garrow and Glenn Beck Crazysplain That Missing Malaysian Jet To You…
  clipbait

Ronan Farrow, Glenn Beck Both Support Bullied 9-Year-Old Brony; Can Middle East Peace Be Far Behind?

Liberal lovegod Ronan Farrow and weird political freakshow Glenn Beck don’t agree on much of anything, but here’s a Kumbayah, We Are The World moment for you: both say bullying a 9-year-old boy who likes My Little Pony is bad, and if boys want to like a cartoon “for girls,” that’s actually just fine, thanks. Read more on Ronan Farrow, Glenn Beck Both Support Bullied 9-Year-Old Brony; Can Middle East Peace Be Far Behind?…
  double indumbnity

Glenn Beck, Private Dick

Idiot Savant Auteur de Merde Glenn Beck presents this short Noir masterpiece about a guy named Lucky, a legless (or one-legged, because why would you check your script for consistency?) prostitute named Charlie, and a slick grifter named Sam, who’s pushing a crazy unworkable scheme called “MyRA.” In typical Beck Drama Theater of the Airhead style, it isn’t especially clear on what exactly is going on in this allegory — sure, “Lucky” is the hapless everyman, “Sam” is the scary fiberglass-headed rapist fraudster you remember from college days, and “MyRA” is a scheme to steal all your muneez. We can’t for the life of us figure out who “Charlie” is supposed to be, though. After MyRA cheats him out of his savings, Lucky goes back to Charlie, so maybe the legless prostitute is supposed to be the private banking industry. Or maybe “Charlie” is the hole in a teabagger’s mattress where he saves all his gold? Your guess is as good as ours. Read more on Glenn Beck, Private Dick…
  becki-becki-becki stan

Glenn Beck Logic Time: Creationists Are Galileo, And Bill Nye, ‘Science’ Guy, Is The Catholic Church Inquisitioning Them

Glenn Beck, what is up with you? You pass into seeming irrelevance, and then alla sudden, you are getting an amazeballs amount of attention. Within a few hours of our story yesterday about how you felt kinda-sorta sorry that you divided America with all your divisiveness, we also learned that you said that Bill Nye is oppressing creationists just like the Vatican silenced Galileo, and that Victoria Jackson has de-friended you because, ew, you like teh ghey, and then there was that weird thing where you said that demonic forces are the main reason your teevee network isn’t being picked up by cable. You are one busy little guy! That flurry of activity is probably going to culminate in another prediction of a HUGE NEWS SCOOP that will peter out to nothing, huh? And then the crying, always the crying, and then you’ll go back to muttering about the plot to keep you down. Read more on Glenn Beck Logic Time: Creationists Are Galileo, And Bill Nye, ‘Science’ Guy, Is The Catholic Church Inquisitioning Them…
  #sorrynotsorry

Glenn Beck Sorta Sorry About How He Destroyed America Even Though It Sure Was Fun

Remember when semi-professional terrible person Glenn Beck had a real job on Fox News, before Fox decided he was too crazy even for Fox? (Yeah, we know, we still can’t quite believe that either. We didn’t know that bar even existed.) Glenn Beck packed up his chalkboard and stormed off to the far corners of the internets, where he could scream incoherently without the burdensome restrictions of Fox’s high standards of journalism. But gosh, he sure had a blast when he was there, even if he sort of helped destroy America in the process. But he’s kind of sorry about that. No, really, he kind of is! “I remember it as an awful lot of fun and that I made an awful lot of mistakes,” Beck told Fox’s Megyn Kelly on Tuesday. “I think I played a role, unfortunately, in helping tear the country apart.” Oops, his bad! Not that it was entirely his fault. It’s just that Americans are such sensitive, delicate little flowers (probably because of feminism or something), and he misunderestimated them. I didn’t realize how really fragile the people were. I thought we were kind of a little more in it together. Read more on Glenn Beck Sorta Sorry About How He Destroyed America Even Though It Sure Was Fun…
  Don't get him started on Birth of a Nation

Armchair Warrior Glenn Beck Bravely Stands Up Against America’s Real Enemy, A Critic Who Didn’t Like A Movie

Yesterday scabrous poop demon Glenn Beck took a break from cruising the streets of Philadelphia asking women to jerk him off with Swiss cheese to attack the greatest threat to freedom and our American way of life since the Hessians occupied Trenton: film critics. Or rather one film critic, Amy Nicholson of the LA Weekly. Nicholson had the temerity to dislike Lone Survivor, the based-on-a-memoir movie about an ill-fated Navy SEAL mission in Afghanistan in 2005. Apparently not liking this film is akin to dissing The Troops, which is all the squeaky chew toy that Glenn Beck needed to issue a fatwa against Nicholson, giving his fans the green light to rain hellfire and brimstone down on her on Twitter. We hope the screeching band of armchair jockeys enjoyed working out all their playing-soldier fantasies with their charming death threats and cunt-calling. Before we slog further into this crap-filled sewer, full disclosure about Nicholson’s connection to Wonkette: she and yr Humble Author attended grad school at the same time, had one class together around 2006, and have mutual friends. Additionally, yr Editrix, being an L.A.-based journalist, participated in a Village Voice Media podcast with her last summer on the important (and anti-American) topic of Disney’s The Little Mermaid. Now that we have dispensed with the journalistic ethics, let us use this controversy to hurl some insults at the bipedal butter tub Glenn Beck. Read more on Armchair Warrior Glenn Beck Bravely Stands Up Against America’s Real Enemy, A Critic Who Didn’t Like A Movie…
  by grabthar's nine iron you will be avenged

Golf Sponsor Decides What To Do With Own Money, Glenn Beck Fans Outraged

Here’s a new squirmish in the Culture Wars: A businessman in Virginia has dropped his sponsorship of a pro golfer because he’s not all that crazy about the golfer’s political and religious views. The business guy, Brian McMahon, had been sponsoring golfer Jeff Cochran for almost a year to promote McMahon’s Nebraska Golf Card (NGC) business, one of those discount-card things, but McMahon, an atheist, terminated the business relationship after talking with Cochran and learning that he was a big fan of Glenn Beck, Ted Cruz, and Cruz’s bugfuck-crazy father, Raphael Cruz. Even worse, McMahon said mean things about Jesus and Christians and Ted Cruz, and even insulted Glenn Beck! Hey, fair enough, that’s how sponsorship works, right? Or maybe it’s… religious discrimination!?!? Read more on Golf Sponsor Decides What To Do With Own Money, Glenn Beck Fans Outraged…