As you may have heard, the Pentagon’s space missile successfully hit that broken Satellite of Love last night, and now its poisonous death shrapnel (which has actually been deemed “unhazardous,” by liars) will come hurling into our atmosphere, killing us all. But there is one hope for us in this Armageddon scenario: the Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA), the revered handymen most famous for getting New Orleans back on its feet within 24 hours of the initial Hurricane Katrina strike. Last week, America’s Most Effective Agency released its “First Responder Guide For Space Object Re-Entry,” i.e. “what to do if the poison satellite crashes next to you.” How will FEMA save the world this time? MORE »

Have you heard about the iPhone? It’s a wonderful new invention that lets the NSA illegally record all your phone calls, copy all your contacts, keep records of all your Web and IM activity, watch you through the camera, listen in on your household through the mic, and probably put you in a terrorist no-fly database for listening to Cynthia McKinney singing that stupid Pink song.

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Nothing says “War On Christmas” like a bunch of lousy little gifts bought in bulk for $28K-a-year junior staffers, or the local crack addict ringing the (fake) Salvation Army bell outside the CVS, or the office shitbird who brings a $2 bottle of undrinkable Charles Shaw to your holiday party you spent a thousand bucks stocking with good food and wine, or the 6 lbs. of LL Bean and Crate & Barrel catalogs crammed in your broken mailbox every single day, or the giant DC rats gnawing through the caterer’s trash on Embassy Row, or the cheerful sight of an abandoned date-rape preppie gal passed out in the gutter a half block from Smith Point.

Something really is the Reason for the Season, and that’s why we’ve spent far too much time preparing this special little Wonkette War On Xmas Gift Guide. We’ve got the stuff you need to purchase for your few friends and many enemies, after the jump.

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Election Day is going to suck. The latest e-voting outrage comes courtesy of Sequoia Voting Systems, which has machines in 16 states. MORE »

Here’s our favorite correction in this morning’s Post: MORE »

A week’s worth of politics, Gawker Media Empire style: MORE »