Tag Archives: gifts

  We Watch So You Don't Have To

The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report: The Greatest Gift Of All

This week, Sarah Palin pumped out a lot of Christmas-themed content, showing us that it is truly better to give than to receive, so long as you’re giving to the Sarah Palin Channel. On closer inspection, all her Christmas videos are from the same filming session, thus further proving our theory that the Sarah Palin Channel is the most ruthlessly efficient grift going. Read more on The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report: The Greatest Gift Of All…
  conservachristmas

Here Are Stupid Things To Buy For The Beloved Idiot Republicans In Your Life

Greetings, godless liberals! Since you don’t celebrate Christmas in your heathen belief system, you might not realize that the more upright members of society are using one of their “holy days” as a reason to spend the next two weeks exchanging bobbles and trinkets to signal fellowship and lord their financial prosperity over each other. Read more on Here Are Stupid Things To Buy For The Beloved Idiot Republicans In Your Life…
  let us now brag on awesome kids

Sometimes Your 17-Year-Old Suggests The Best Gift Idea Ever

My son, Kid Zoom, turned 17 yesterday. I’d had no idea what to get him for his birthday, so last weekend I asked him what he’d like. His answer kind of blew me away, because what 17-year-old would ever say, “How about you give me a stack of books that you think it’s absolutely essential for me to read”? Read more on Sometimes Your 17-Year-Old Suggests The Best Gift Idea Ever…
  love in the time of calibers

My Gun-y Valentine, Sweet Semiautomatic Valentine

You know what says love? A gun says love. Just ask anyone who’s in love with guns, like maybe Kathy Kieffer at TownHall: Forget roses. This Valentine’s Day, give her a gift that shows you love her whole body and soul. Give her a gun. Your Valentine—whether she’s your wife, girlfriend, daughter or sister—deserves something very special. What could be more sentimental than a tool she can use to defend herself? When you give her a gun, you will be showing her that she is extremely precious and valuable to you. Man, we are ever glad we hadn’t already gone out and gotten our Significant Other those Rainbow Dash earrings we were looking at. Read more on My Gun-y Valentine, Sweet Semiautomatic Valentine…
  and one is about orcs

Ayn Rand Institute Head Yaron Brook Just Loves How Commercial Christmas Has Gotten

As a special War On Boxing Day gift, we bring you this Canadian Broadcasting Corp. interview with Yaron Brook, the president and executive director of the Ayn Rand Institute. He was delighted to clear up a few things about Christmas, especially the idea that it’s become “too commercial”: I think the real true meaning of Christmas is benevolence towards man, and it’s gift giving and it’s the enjoyment and celebration of life. And I think that one important manifestation of that celebration for life, that benevolence, is the buying of gifts, is the lights and having a good time. And being consumers is part of that. People enjoy shopping, they enjoy shopping for themselves, they enjoy shopping for other people. It’s a very benevolent activity. It’s a win-win activity and I think that is the spirit of Christmas. Consumerism, properly understood, is exactly what Christmas is about. The CBC headlines its story “Sorry, Charlie Brown,” but not all is lost for the old Peanuts special. All they need to do is re-edit it so that Linus’s “That’s what Christmas is all about” speech is replaced with Charlie Brown’s little sister asking Santa for “tens and twenties,” because all she wants is what’s coming to her; all she wants is her fair share. Read more on Ayn Rand Institute Head Yaron Brook Just Loves How Commercial Christmas Has Gotten…
  kick off your sunday shoes

Instapundit Wants GOP To Be Hep And Groovy Like Now And Happening 30-Year-Old Flick ‘Footloose’

Glenn Reynolds, last seen in these pages wondering why bitches be fucking boys’ shit up, yo, has noticed that Barack Stalin Obama won the youth vote in the 2012 election by a nearly 2-to-1 margin. Luckily Glenn’s day job keeps him engaged with young people, so he is receptive to their concerns about the future and understands why they saw Obama as the candidate best suited to understand and advocate for them, and now Glenn can offer the GOP all sorts of nifty ideas about how to appeal to the 18-to-29 demographic. Or he could base his concern-trolling on a character in a movie that is older than every single member of that demographic. Whatever. Read more on Instapundit Wants GOP To Be Hep And Groovy Like Now And Happening 30-Year-Old Flick ‘Footloose’…
  buh-bye

Mitt Romney Drops By To Make Sure You Still Loathe Him

Mitt Romney was lonely. A week after the election, and all anybody was laughing at was Karl Rove and Fox News and Dick Morris and Gallup, and people had kind of forgotten Mitt himself, the onetime standard-bearer of the GOP. Had he himself not shit the bed? Was he not the master of his own destiny? How come nobody was blaming him for the Republican Party smashing itself to pieces? Well, the Tea Party was, but did they even count, with their manmade, unbreathable fabrics and their slipcovered couches? No, for Mitt Romney to be blamed properly, it must be by the Elite, not the anti-government warriors scraping by month to month on their disability checks. Read more on Mitt Romney Drops By To Make Sure You Still Loathe Him…
  congratulations on your blessed day

Barack Obama Would Like Anyone With A Gift Registry To Just Give To Him Instead

President Obama, that is his name, has come up with a brilliant new way to try to beat his opponent Mitt Romney at money-making, despite the fact that they seem to have more money than anyone would need to do anything, except maybe buy a Hawaiian island!!!!!! Isn’t it strange that we have to pay people to prepare themselves to run the country for a relatively short time? Anyway, Obama is now suggesting that if you have a wedding, birth, or anniversary, or any old excuse for wanting your friends and family to pool together their unemployment and social security checks and buy you shit, instead of asking for Le Creuset pots and diapers and wine, why don’t you just give the money to Barack Obama instead? Read more on Barack Obama Would Like Anyone With A Gift Registry To Just Give To Him Instead…
  customer service journalism

A Children’s Treasury of Last-Minute Father’s Day Gifts

Father’s Day is this Sunday — how can you make sure that your gift to Dad wins the morning? As luck would have it, many legal Creative-Americans have beautiful shirts, stickers, and other items that will totally please your Pops. Your Wonkette found many such treasures at our favorite old retail haunt, CafePress. Let’s look at them together, shall we? Read more on A Children’s Treasury of Last-Minute Father’s Day Gifts…
  let freedom reign

‘Freedom Tray’ Is Perfect Xmas Gift For Every Single Person In America

Do you have a hard time balancing a lap-full of bacon burgers and grease tacos while you drive around slurping caramel-coffee ice cream shakes and 172-oz. buckets of Mr. Pibb? Did foreigners steal your job? Wondering why your teen-aged daughter has so many middle-aged male friends from the MySpace showing up at all hours? What you need is the Freedom Tray. Meet the Freedom Tray. Buy the Freedom Tray. Experience Freedom. Read more on ‘Freedom Tray’ Is Perfect Xmas Gift For Every Single Person In America…
  it's beginning to look a lot like the war on xmas

Wonkette Gift Guide Preview: Obama Dildo!

Unlike our amoral right-wing friends, here at Wonkette we don’t start the War on Xmas until after Thanksgiving (Cyber-Sex Thursday). But here’s a special preview of the kind of trash you can expect to find in our annual War on Xmas Gift Guide: Oh hey, it’s an Obama Dildo, so you can, uh, practice your love. Read more on Wonkette Gift Guide Preview: Obama Dildo!…
  tacky moves

Barack Obama Sucks At Giving Presents

This is sort of shocking, honestly — who would have thought that a guy who’s so great at throwing fancy dinner parties and entertaining guests would be such a shitty gift-giver? President Obama gave British Prime Minister Gordon Brown a set of 25 great American films on his recent visit to the US, whereas Brown gave Obama a pen, for heaven’s sake, and a book. Millions of Britons are appalled at this asymmetry of gifts. Why must Barack Obama crap all over our “special relationship” with Britain, &c. &c? [Daily Mail] Read more on Barack Obama Sucks At Giving Presents…
  exotic folkways

Canadian Natives Greet Visitor From South With Ritual Portraiture

Faithful commenter “Norbert” sends us this touching image from Canuckistan. President Obama will be visiting in a few days, and the Canadians are quite excited! “Here is a kind of lousy photo of a great restaurant window in my hood in Toronto (a city here in Canada),” our commenter instructs us. “Maybe he will like the painting better than the mixtape.” Hmm, maybe! Wherever they go, Americans love to be greeted with portraits of Marky-Mark and the White House social secretary. Read more on Canadian Natives Greet Visitor From South With Ritual Portraiture…
  war on xmas gift guide

Big $ale On Truck Nutz At McCain-Palin HQ!

Yo bitches check out the details about this FIRESALE at McCain-Palin headquarters, according to a report from an anonymous operative in Virginia: “I just came back from the McCain-Palin regional headquarters in Arlington, VA. They are selling all of their office equipment – it was very depressing, but I did lay hands on a nice 19″ LCD screen for only $113!” More infoz after the jump! Read more on Big $ale On Truck Nutz At McCain-Palin HQ!…
  america f%$ yeah

Getch’r Tickets To Sean Hannity’s Concert Series! FOR AMERICA.

Hmm. It appears as though this is happening next summer. Should we see Sean Hannity’s Bill Ray Cyrus brood over an extended version of “Achy Breaky Heart,” or shall we instead go with Sean Hannity’s Oliver North, who will… sell weapons to us? In musical form? What? [Freedom Concerts ’09] Read more on Getch’r Tickets To Sean Hannity’s Concert Series! FOR AMERICA….
  do not want

Hell-Demon Obama Available For Personal Cleansing

What better way to celebrate your favorite President-elect than by taking a leering purple gnome-head and rubbing it joyously over your nethers? Buy sixteen million for your family and friends, for the holidays, and they will never ask you for a holiday gift again. [Etsy via Washington Post] Read more on Hell-Demon Obama Available For Personal Cleansing…