Listen up, PAGANS. If you have already bought your mom another embroidered LL Bean sweater and your dad another set of drills and your sister another, fuck it, another pumpkin pie-scented candle, then the only person left on your Xmas Holiday Shopping List is probably the oxycontin addicted eunuch who lives in your basement listening to Michael Savage and forwarding emails about Barack Obama’s birth certificate. Jesus has invented a gift for these losers! It’s a Sarah Palin calendar, specially equipped with pre-drilled bonin’ holes. MORE »

Well isn’t this beautiful? No? Right, it’s a design disaster. Maybe Photoshop should require an Operator’s License with annual testing. That would create jobs! Anyway, here is your latest Wonkette War On Xmas gift suggestion, this terrible fucking plate, which looks like it should be the hubcap of a blinged-out compact car with those gay rims that inexplicably stick out from the little tires, and maybe an Old Spice air freshener in the shape of a pine tree with a picture of Tupac or the Pope or somebody. $39.95, for this piece of shit. Get it for some insufferable Obamatard you secretly loathe, and shame them into displaying it, forever. [Obama Collector Plates]

Friends and enemies, it is time to put aside our irrevocable partisan differences and unite in the pursuit of inexpensive yet offensive X-mas/Kwanzaa/Ramadan/Channukah/Jedi gifts for our few friends and many enemies. In these troubled times of National Doom, you want a present that is a) cheap, and b) either wonderful or truly horrific. But the gift must not be some wacky novelty manufactured for the sake of laffs. It must be terribly sincere. (Unless it’s not!) What we’re saying is, how many prints of a burly, naked Barack Obama riding a unicorn to victory will you be buying this year? MORE »

HELP WONKETTE WITH OUR ANNUAL WAR ON XMAS GIFT GUIDE! We are almost done with this year’s Gift Guide, but we need your suggestions (with links) to actually, er, help us type it up. Email your real true fun/terrible Wonkette gift ideas with the subject line SANTA HURTED ME. Special insider editor talk after the jump! MORE »

Nothing says “War On Christmas” like a bunch of lousy little gifts bought in bulk for $28K-a-year junior staffers, or the local crack addict ringing the (fake) Salvation Army bell outside the CVS, or the office shitbird who brings a $2 bottle of undrinkable Charles Shaw to your holiday party you spent a thousand bucks stocking with good food and wine, or the 6 lbs. of LL Bean and Crate & Barrel catalogs crammed in your broken mailbox every single day, or the giant DC rats gnawing through the caterer’s trash on Embassy Row, or the cheerful sight of an abandoned date-rape preppie gal passed out in the gutter a half block from Smith Point.

Something really is the Reason for the Season, and that’s why we’ve spent far too much time preparing this special little Wonkette War On Xmas Gift Guide. We’ve got the stuff you need to purchase for your few friends and many enemies, after the jump.

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Intern Lauren will probably kill us (with Polonium-210) for wasting this extra-precious exchange from Late Night Shots — the closed social network which allows you to explore Washington DC’s social landscape and bar scene — but we’ve got to run it now to make a joke work in Wonkette’s War On Christmas Gift Guide.

Join us after the jump for the scientifically exact opposite of Hollywood’s beloved “meet cute” scenario.

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