What would happen if you joined the Marines and then were sent to Okinawa to play with radios but then got bored and pretended to have PTSD and then told little children that you ate a grenade to save Lt. Dan during a heavy firefight in Fallujah and then bought a bunch of medallions to pin on your shirt from eBay and then got all sorts of free goodies because everyone thought you were a fabulous war hero? Thanks to the efforts of a brave Marine, we now have the answer. [Washington Times] MORE »

So we arrived here late, of course, due to Tories, and scarfed down a few blueberry muffins before departing on a grand tour of George Washington’s farm. We saw a museum under a sheep pasture, where they store George Washington’s skull (pictured above). Did you know the father of our nation was a hologram? Well, now you do. MORE »

What is happening at the horrible Capitol Building? According to the teevee, an airplane crossed into restricted air space over Washington, and Congress was about to be evacuated, but then the plane turned away. The terrorists lose today, phew! But are these phantoms and banshees haunting the building, still? A reporter operative writes, “According to sources, a chandelier in the Capitol crypt has fallen to the floor. No one is hurt.” ALL CAPITOL OPERATIVES ARE ORDERED to take pictures of the BANSHEE SPECTRE and send them to Wonkette. We need to catch this terrorist ghoul (and the Illegal Mexican Goblin too).

What exactly was that weird, whispery voice we heard between last night’s question to Mitt about Reagan and Social Security and Romney’s answer? Either Ronald Reagan is giving help from beyond the grave or Mitt was wearing a wire. MORE »

Angered at the sorry state of the American experiment, James Madison rises from the dead, robs 17 New Jersey banks, haunts Dick Cheney, joins Ron Paul campaign. [NJ.com]

The horrible noises heard after hours at the newish Rock and Roll Hotel — which is a bar with live music, not a hotel — are not just rats or people having sex or other people being mugged outside. According to The Hill, the club is actually haunted by actual ghost demons who literally scare the crap out of employees.

At the end of one night recently, a female employee paid a visit to the ladies’ room. While she was in a stall, someone else entered the restroom. Thinking it was a member of the clean-up crew, she told the intruder to return later. The person didn’t listen, and closed the next stall door. The employee heard the toilet in the other stall flush. But when she checked, no one was there.

As we know from the Bible, this is because the rock club used to be a funeral home. MORE »

At his press conference with Tony Blair today, Bush again revealed his deep spirituality — spiritualism, actually — when he proved to reporters how much he knows about how much Iraq sucks:

Make no mistake about it, I understand how tough it is — I talk to families who died.

So many mysteries here. No American families have died in Iraq, thanks to tough military recruitment standards that prevent entire families from enlisting, but it’s reasonable to assume entire families are among the 600,000+ Iraqis killed in the war. Are there entire dead Iraq families that speak English, or does Bush secretly speak Arabic, or does the Ouija board have live Babelfish translation or what? MORE »