Tag Archives: germany

  Dun fell off the wagon

Nine Things President Obama Might Be Holding Besides This Dirty Pack Of Cigarettes

Bad president bad!
OH NO, President Obama is back behind the high school gym again, smoking all the cigarettes and rolling his eyes, maybe and allegedly! Cigarettes are a well-known slippery slope to getting potted up on weed and socializing America. Obama was caught on camera chattin’ up Italian Prime Minister Matteo Renzi at the G7 Summit in Germany, and he certainly appears to be holding a pack of cigarettes, doing that gesture where he’s flipping open a pack to pull one out and light up. But is he really doing that? Hard to tell! Because yr Wonkette likes to think the best of people and doesn’t like to jump to conclusions, what else might he be holding in his nicotine-stained hands? Read more on Nine Things President Obama Might Be Holding Besides This Dirty Pack Of Cigarettes…
  Socialism Nice Time

President Bernie Sanders Will Force Your Kids To Have Free College

Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? Hell no!
Just when we thought we had reached the zenith of our love for Vermont’s proudly socialist Sen. Bernie Sanders, and dead serious Democratic presidential candidate, he comes along and proposes legislation to provide free tuition at public colleges and universities. Just like in civilized countries! The proposal goes well beyond President Obama’s proposal for universal community college tuition, and would revolutionize higher education. Yr Wonkette enthusiastically supports the idea, even if it requires everyone to drive a Volvo. Read more on President Bernie Sanders Will Force Your Kids To Have Free College…
  I see England I see France I can see Russia from my house

Scott Walker Will Be Best President Of America, Because He’s Been To Europe Like Twice

Less charisma than a sleeping basset hound, and nowhere near as cute.
Despite the fact that presidential candidate Carly Fiorina (R-LOL) has explained that going places on airplanes — like that know-nothing Hillary Clinton, who used to be Secretary of State — is not the same thing as actual foreign policy experience, her likely rival for the nomination, Gov. Scott Walker of Wisconsin (R-Zzzzzzz), apparently is not paying attention, because he told Bob Schieffer on Face The Nation that he will be so much better of a president than Hillary Clinton, because the places he went to on airplanes are nice, and the places Hillary Clinton went to on airplanes suckity suck, and are also Benghazi: Read more on Scott Walker Will Be Best President Of America, Because He’s Been To Europe Like Twice…
  Death Squads? Meh. But Public Schools Are Oppressive

Republicans Finally Find Oppressed Refugees Worthy Of Asylum. It’s ‘People Who Homeschool’

Finally, some nice clean refugees!
You might remember the plight of those poor German homeschoolers who applied for asylum in the USA after the oppressive German government wouldn’t let them teach their kids about Jebus and his pet dinosaur. They really had it rough, and Eric Holder wouldn’t even help them at all, apparently because he’s content to see children abused by having to go to public schools. It was pretty much like the Holocaust, only directed at Christians and with German public school classrooms instead of gas chambers. Read more on Republicans Finally Find Oppressed Refugees Worthy Of Asylum. It’s ‘People Who Homeschool’…
  Adventures With The Sheisskopf Korps

Neo-Nazis Take Wrong Train, Miss Own Rally, Because Neo-Nazis Are Stupid

I meant to do that!
A group of neo-Nazis had to cancel a planned demonstration in the southwest German city of Freiburg Saturday after they mistakenly boarded the wrong train and ended up in Mannheim, a good 123 miles away. Fewer than 20 members of the National Democratic Party (NPD) had been all ready to protest in Freiburg, but police prevented them from getting on the train they wanted because it was already carrying a group of far-left soccer fans on their way to a game, and the police didn’t want any riots on the train. (Does the Guardian tell us what city this train was departing from? It does not. This is basic journamalism, chaps.) Read more on Neo-Nazis Take Wrong Train, Miss Own Rally, Because Neo-Nazis Are Stupid…
  Sports! Sports Sports Sports!

Sportsball Year In Review: It Was Mostly Awful!

Sad Brazil fan is sad.
Sports! Oh man, sports, aren’t they great? Shut up, they are too. Here now is your 2014 Wonkette Sportsball Year In Review, because why not? Off-field Hits Plague NFL Sorry to break this to you, Wonketeers, but the NFL remains the most popular form of sportsball in America. It seems we cannot get enough of the big men slamming into each other, and with all of the downtime between plays, who can blame us? This year, however, public perception of the NFL took a serious turn for the worse. The AP named the NFL’s domestic abuse scandals the sports story of the year, and the league’s ham-fisted response to the scandals will be studied by dead-eyed PR majors for generations to come. Read more on Sportsball Year In Review: It Was Mostly Awful!…
  Bavarian Nazis...I Hate Bavarian Nazis

German Town Punks Neo-Nazis, Raises Funds To Fight Neo-Nazis

Sure, darling, tomorrow is all yours.
We have to admit we love a good caper where the bad guys get burned — that moment at the end of The Sting (spoiler warning for a 1973 movie everyone should’ve seen by the age of 14 anyway) where Robert Shaw realizes that his great big bet is all gone, for instance. We’d like to think that a similar look was on the faces of a bunch of neo-Nazis last weekend when they learned that, by marching to the gravesite of Rudolf Hess in Wunseidel, Germany, they had unwittingly been participating in an anti-Nazi fundraiser for an organization devoted to fight extremism. Nicely played, city of Wunseidel. Read more on German Town Punks Neo-Nazis, Raises Funds To Fight Neo-Nazis…
  But Still More ISIS Than You Want

Sunday Bloody NYT Sunday: Kinetic Action, Dead Saints, And Less ISIS Than You Might Think

In this alternate universe, the Sunday NYT has a comics section
Good morning, ye Wonkers! Today’s top story is that Yr Doktor Zoom is once again breathing through both nostrils. You may have thought that ISIS or Syria or sportsball scandals or something was big, but that is merely because you Lack Perspective. Sadly, your Sunday New York Times has completely ignored the press release we sent them, so we will just knuckle under and let them dictate what counts as “news” — this stubborn insistence on top-down story selection, by the way, is why their medium is dying. Read more on Sunday Bloody NYT Sunday: Kinetic Action, Dead Saints, And Less ISIS Than You Might Think…
  uncivil unions

Union Thugs Calling You (From Inside The House!)

Yesterday the AP dispatched a telegram on the DARPA tubes to all the nation’s leading broadsheets: The National Labor Relations Board proposed rules Wednesday that would allow unions to hold workplace elections more quickly by simplifying procedures, setting shorter deadlines and requiring businesses to hand over lists of employee phone numbers and emails to union leaders before an election. Yo Yglesias, yo Ezra, yo P-Krug, where ya at? Yo liberal blogs, you on this? Salon had it, and even managed to make it click-bait with a nice “despised by right-wingers” in the headline. Good Salon! Everybody, be more like Salon (except sometimes don’t). This is the type of stuff that everyone who’s worried about working people, their rights, and their place in public policy should be cheering. They should be saying “Actual sincere thanks, Obama!” Read more on Union Thugs Calling You (From Inside The House!)…
  gas attack

Sundays With The Christianists: American History Textbooks To Smite The Dreaded Hun

As we’ve noted before, there’s one element of history where our textbooks aimed at the Christian homeschooling market actually manage to be fairly accurate: for some reason, they’re able to discuss wars without bringing very much Godstuff into the discussion. They’re happy to sermonize about the run-up to wars, the consequences of wars, and the long-term significance of wars, but somehow, the actual battles and maneuvers don’t seek to invoke any divine interventions. And so it is with The Great War: once you’re talking about who did what and where, these books are largely indistinguishable from secular textbooks. On the other hand, there are little nuggets like this, from our 8th-grade textbook, America: Land I Love (A Beka, 1994): In the early 1900s, while America continued to enjoy the fruits of spiritual revival, the spiritual condition in Europe was alarming. The ideas of Darwinian evolution and Marxist socialism had become popular in Europe, and the cold, formal state churches of Europe offered little resistance. Evolutionists presented man as an animal, failing to recognize the sanctity of human life. Socialists and Communists reinforced evolution by promoting atheism and violent revolutions as in Russia (1917) to guarantee the “survival of the fittest.” In 1914, spiritually bankrupt Europe found an excuse for war when, in the tiny country of Bosnia, a young Serbian terrorist shot and killed the heir to the throne of Austria-Hungary, Archduke Ferdinand, and his wife Having established that secularism and Darwin, plus a lack of evangelical zeal, had led Europe to moral weakness, the book then gets on with the srs bsns of all those entangling alliances and battles, and we don’t hear any more about European moral rot. In a war that involved mass infantry and cavalry charges into barbed wire and machine-gun nests, poison gas attacks, and criminally incompetent British generals, you’d think they’d find something to condemn, maybe. But there are several nice maps. Read more on Sundays With The Christianists: American History Textbooks To Smite The Dreaded Hun…
  all the derp that's fit to herp

Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Index Of Idjits

Hi-diddly-ho, Wonkerinos, and welcome to another installment of Derp Roundup, the feature where we scrape up a bunch of stories that were too stoopid to ignore altogether, but not quite worth a full post of their own. It’s like Thanksgiving leftovers that have sat out too long, except they were kind of rotten to begin with. Read more on Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Index Of Idjits…
  this is why you can't have nice things

Pope Suspends Bishop For Pimpin’ It Too Hard, Yo

Pope Francis I has suspended Bishop Franz-Peter Tebartz-van Elst of Limburg for pimping out his official residence like some kind of Romish rap star, at a cost estimated to be as much as $55 million. The Vatican press office released a brief statement couching the suspension and investigation in the sort of bureaucratic language that smiles blandly as someone in the background is being hustled out a side door by burly men in nice suits: “Pending the results of this examination and the related investigations on the responsibilities in this regard, the Holy See considers it appropriate to authorize Bishop Franz -Peter Tebartz-van Elst a period of stay outside the Diocese,” the statement said. We bet the Pope wishes him well in his future endeavors, too. Read more on Pope Suspends Bishop For Pimpin’ It Too Hard, Yo…
  bailout cry-babies

AIG CEO Upset At Being ‘Lynched’ By Taxpayers, With Words

You know what’s hard? Being yelled at for being rich and kinda douchey. Sometimes, wittle fee-fees get boo-boos on them, ginormous egos might get an owwie, and the only thing to cushion the blow is millions of dollars to soak up the tears. For Robert Benmosche, the CEO who took over AIG in 2008 after it helped crash the global economy and then got bailed out by taxpayers, the pain caused by public outrage over HUGE bonuses was more than just hurt feelings. There is only one historical analogy that is appropriate, per WaPo: The uproar over bonuses “was intended to stir public anger, to get everybody out there with their pitchforks and their hangman nooses, and all that — sort of like what we did in the Deep South [decades ago]. And I think it was just as bad and just as wrong.” Yes, we all remember how the KKK gave millions of dollars to all the black folks and then yelled at them for being so incredibly rich. It was a dark, shameful time in American history. Read more on AIG CEO Upset At Being ‘Lynched’ By Taxpayers, With Words…
  Mitt Tried To Warn Us About Them Soviets

Obama Thinks We Should Have Fewer Apocalyptic Nuclear Death Toys, Can You Guess Who Disagrees?

Germany is Europe’s Brooklyn’s Williamsburg before Williamsburg got too Williamsburg: good beer, they make cool stuff, not too expensive. So it’s not surprising that budget-conscious culture vulture Barack Obama wanted to pop in and thrill a few legs after another lame G8 summit in London where everybody was so “concerned” about everything and oh look at us, our economies are big. Get over yourselves, said our flashy president, maybe we can hook up in Berlin for the after-party. Which was cool, there was a speech, it was hot, the crowd was not huge, and Obama said he wants to reduce our nuclear arsenal by a third. WHAT?!?!?! MADNESS!!!!!!, was the typical GOP response, because, uh, Obama! is bad. What he said, BAD! Also. Read more on Obama Thinks We Should Have Fewer Apocalyptic Nuclear Death Toys, Can You Guess Who Disagrees?…
  american horror story: asylum

Hitler Obama Deports Religious Home-Schoolers To Germany, Even Though They Are Not Even Mexican

Having already made war on the First Amendment’s freedom of speech and the First Amendment’s freedom of the press, now it is time for Adolf Hitler Obama to fuck with the OTHER part of the First Amendment, the one that proclaims freedom of and from religion. How is he murdering Christians today? Is he putting them in concentration camps? YES. By which we mean a judge decided that Germany not letting its citizens home-school their kids does not really rise to the level of persecution for which you can receive asylum here. Uh oh. We smell some derp, and it is headed right for us. Read more on Hitler Obama Deports Religious Home-Schoolers To Germany, Even Though They Are Not Even Mexican…
  Tatooine not Constantinople

Austrian Turks Go To ‘Red Alert’ Over Star Wars Lego Set

In yet another case of the Clash of Civilizations, members of Austria’s Turkish community are angrier than a Twi’lek having a bad lekku day at the makers of Lego building blocks because they believe that the Lego “Jabba The Hutt’s Palace” playset might spark Islamophobia and cause children to associate Islam with terrorism and violence. The Turkish Cultural Community issued a statement earlier this week calling for an apology from Lego and requesting that the toy be discontinued; the group may also file criminal complaints against the Danish company in Austria and Germany for alleged “incitement to racial hatred.” The group apparently did not consider the possibility that children might come to think of Muslim community leaders as humorless nerf herders who don’t know a thing about movies. Read more on Austrian Turks Go To ‘Red Alert’ Over Star Wars Lego Set…
  mamma mia!

Around The World With Lloyd Dangle: Tea Party Lessons For The Whores Of Rome

(Rome) I just finished a perfectly-prepared sardine antipasti, caprese salad, and a plate of grilled calamari. The wine was a Pinot Grigio from the area. Nice. It’s hot as hell here, but a breeze is blowing off Palatine Hill, where Romulus and Remus suckled the she-wolf. When I close my eyes I can almost hear the ancient Romans in the Coliseum cheering as a Christian is eaten by lions. But the only thing being devoured around here these days is the country of Italy itself, in an economic free fall, its middle class chewed up like prosciutto on a dry panini and its hope for the future spoiling like tiramisu in the sun. I’ve been talking to people all over, gondoliers, bartenders, street barkers, nuns. I don’t speak Italian but I find if I talk loud and use a fake Italian accent they understand me perfectly. I keep telling these poor uneducated bastards what we in America have learned from the Tea Party. A country, I explain, is just like a family sitting around the dinner table figuring out its household budget. If the family is spending more than it’s taking in then it’s time for some good, old-fashioned belt-tightening. I tell them, stop being such whiners and get behind the ECB-IMF-Merkel-Tea Party solution of austerity, structural adjustment, and “internal devaluation.” My words are often received with a rousing cheer of, “bafangool!” which means “thank you for the wisdom!” Read more on Around The World With Lloyd Dangle: Tea Party Lessons For The Whores Of Rome…
  today in death robots

Underwater German Deathbots To Keep Sweet, Sweet Crude A-Bubblin’

The realpolitik wunderkinds in charge of Iran have been threatening for awhile now to respond to a Western boycott on their oil by cutting off access to ALL the oil, but now the loose-lipped traitors at Nobama’s Pentagon have let it slip that the U.S. Navy is globally forcing some good into what they call the “Arabian Gulf” in the form of underwater death robots. Death robots made in Germany that cost as much as a Porsche, in case you thought they weren’t really serious about it. Read more on Underwater German Deathbots To Keep Sweet, Sweet Crude A-Bubblin’…
  goodbye fortress america

Mitt Romney Considers First Ever Global War Tour!

Whatta we got in the local clip ‘n’ save today? “Mitt Romney’s campaign is considering a major foreign policy offensive at the end of the month that would take him to five countries over three continents…” HMMMMM. You have to wait until you *win* the presidential election to launch world war, dingus. And then it’s perfectly acceptable. But maybe the rules are different for Republicans. What nations shall Mitt Romney delight with his arsenal of good humor, competitive sport, and decline? Read more on Mitt Romney Considers First Ever Global War Tour!…
  stalin times pol pot plus castro minus the king of spain

Anger Bear Obama Body Slams Romney In Brutal Mexican Takedown

ZOMG you guys, brutal dictator Barack Obama said in his usual sober and almost somnolent tones that he would advise Mitt Romney, whose “advisor” wrote some shirty thing for a German newspaper about how Obama is a big dummkopf who doesn’t understand the economic situation in Europe, and how Germany should never listen to Obama because of his glaring dumbness, that “there is only one president at a time” and historically political differences “end at the water’s edge.” Will the Republic be able to stand this kind of chill on Mitt Romney’s jerk advisors’ freedom of speech? Probably not, because Barack Obama is going to put that advisor in a Twitter gulag now, forever. [Mediaite] Read more on Anger Bear Obama Body Slams Romney In Brutal Mexican Takedown…
  war on xmas

War On Christmas Started By Hitler, Because of Advent Calendars

Every year about this time, the nation opens the “advent calendars” of its secret CIA prisons all over the world to say “hi” to the people always plotting against us by waging a War on Christmas. But did you know that the War On Christmas did not start in CIA murder-torture prisons, but actually in Nazi Germany? When you open the little cardboard door to “get a chocolate,” what are you really getting? An important Christian writer explains how Hitler is really behind this whole Advent thing, and why we need to be stronger in our resolve as far as destroying Advent calendars everywhere, because of Hitler. Read more on War On Christmas Started By Hitler, Because of Advent Calendars…