Tag Archives: georgia

  WALNUTS! studies abroad

John McCain Accidentally Joins Ukrainian Government, Bye John McCain!

He is very excited about his new job!
Hurray, John McCain finally gets to be president of something, and it is Ukraine! Oops that’s not right. John McCain has been appointed as a special presidential advisor in Ukraine, and either they forgot to tell him, or he applied for the job from a Craigslist ad and forgot all about it because OLD WALNUTS, but regardless, he never made sure it was allowed under Senate rules, so he may not get to become king of Ukraine after all: Read more on John McCain Accidentally Joins Ukrainian Government, Bye John McCain!…
  our well regulated militia

Gun Fun Roundup: Please Don’t Shoot Your Pal In Gun Safety Class

There may be an infinite number of cat & gun photos on the interwebs. Science must know why!
How are America’s Responsible Gun Owners preventing crime and tyranny this week? We bet there’s just no end of stories of valiant crime-stoppers and freedom defenders to look at! Other Than That, Safety Class Went Great In Orem, Utah, two police cadets were waiting for their gun safety class to start, and then they learned an important lesson about gun safety: Read more on Gun Fun Roundup: Please Don’t Shoot Your Pal In Gun Safety Class…
  Teach us oh white people!

How Are White Wingnuts Fixing The Blacks Of Baltimore This Week?

The cats are cuter than anything you'll read in this post.
Ever since the alleged police murder of Freddie Gray and the rioting that followed, white wingnuts have been trying SO HARD to do something — anything! — to help the poor black communities of Baltimore recover and move on from this tragedy. Because they care so much, honest! Should we cut off their food stamps? Give everybody more guns, so they can Stand Their Ground? Send them all some more Jesus, and good dads like Rand Paul? Well, worry not, because there are still more turd ideas to throw at the wall, so here is this week’s roundup of White Wingnut Wisdom for Baltimorean Blacks! Read more on How Are White Wingnuts Fixing The Blacks Of Baltimore This Week?…
  these boys seem nice

Florida Frat Shut Down, Just For Whizzing On Flags And Cussing Disabled Veterans

Scene may have looked like this.
And now for a dispatch from the “what kind of entitled, malcontent douchenozzle shit are America’s fraternity boys getting into these days?” file! So this fraternity at the University of Florida, Zeta Beta Tau, was having its spring formal in Panama City Beach, Florida, at the same resort that was hosting the Warrior Beach Retreat, which, according to its website, is a gathering intended to give our disabled veterans a damn week off to relax in the Florida sunshine. So, of course the frat boys thought it would be a good idea to get shithoused drunk and piss all over the vets’ American flags, all while cussing at them: Read more on Florida Frat Shut Down, Just For Whizzing On Flags And Cussing Disabled Veterans…
  Daddy issues

Ted Cruz’s Dry-Drunk Daddy Will Save The Jews From Obama, For Jesus

Ted Cruz’s ex-drunk ex-deadbeat dad, Rafael, is a swell guy who loves to spread The Good Word about how God hand-selected his boy Ted to be the next president of the United States of Jesus. And also, of course, the Penultimate Good Word about how Obama sucks, as he did yet again while testifying to a group of Georgia teabaggers. Read more on Ted Cruz’s Dry-Drunk Daddy Will Save The Jews From Obama, For Jesus…
  Usually Kaili is mad about a thing but it's MY TURN BITCHEZ

Walmart Withholds Medicine From Lady Who Miscarried, Because She’s Probably A Sinner

Everyone woman should have babies except not
Imagine you are a lady, and you are going through the sadness that comes with a miscarriage. This is one of those times in life, we imagine (as we are a dude), that you really don’t want to deal with any bullshit, just a guess? So you go to the doctor, and he gives you a prescription for Misoprostol, which will help your body pass the tissue, instead of having to go through an invasive, unpleasant procedure to extract it. Doc calls your scrip in to the friendly neighborhood Walmart, but the pharmacist refuses to fill it, because Sincerely Held Religious Beliefs. You see, this particular drug can ALSO cause an abortion, which is not a FUCKING PROBLEM if you have already miscarried, now is it? But that is exactly what happened to Brittany Cartrett of Milledgeville, Georgia: Read more on Walmart Withholds Medicine From Lady Who Miscarried, Because She’s Probably A Sinner…
  Nice Time kinda sorta maybe?

Religious-Freedom-Curious States Maybe Rethinking That Now, Whoops

Helpful hints
  It’s not all bad news on the Religious Freedom front! Yes, Indiana is suffering under the weight of a dumb governor who signed a “religious freedom” bill explicitly designed so that the put-upon wingnuts of the state don’t ever have to look at gay people. And yes, many other states are currently considering similar laws. However, news comes today that there are three places where Republicans (!!!) are standing up and mouthing the words, “I do not want our state to be a national joke like Indiana.” It doesn’t necessarily mean the laws won’t pass — for every smart Republican there are exactly 7,000 stupid ones — but at least there is a glimmer of sanity on the horizon. Read more on Religious-Freedom-Curious States Maybe Rethinking That Now, Whoops…
  Seemed Like A Good Idea At The Time

Georgia Patriot Plants Fake ‘Muslim’ Bomb To Warn World Of Muslim Threat

How will people fear radical Islam if we don't make up some fake bomb plots?
A Georgia wingnut has confessed to planting a backpack containing two partially completed pipe bombs in a public park last November, but he had an excellent reason: to raise awareness of the threat of radical Islam. Michael Sibley, 67, loves America so much that he was willing to fake a jihadist bomb attack, there not being any actual jihadis handy at the time. Read more on Georgia Patriot Plants Fake ‘Muslim’ Bomb To Warn World Of Muslim Threat…
  but jesus told me to give her a black eye

Religious Freedom To Hate Gays And Maybe Beat Your Wife Spreading Everywhere, Hooray!

How gay
Now that The Great Gay Scourge is spreading unfettered across the land — what with the gays marrying and not being thrown into jail and/or executed for the buttsechs — it is time for us to focus on the Real Victims of Oppression. We are referring, of course, to good, honest, Bible-believing Christians, whose God-given right to prevent gays from public housing and accommodations has come under threat from the tyranny of judicial activists. Read more on Religious Freedom To Hate Gays And Maybe Beat Your Wife Spreading Everywhere, Hooray!…
  The Strong Stream of Justice

Georgia Republicans Sneak In Some Gay-Bashing While Lone Democrat Takes A Leak

Faster faster! They're passing the bill!
The Georgia GOP has pulled the old switcheroo, by advancing a discriminatory bill while the only dissenting member was taking a tinkle. Taking a break from their usual routine of burning textbooks and telling poor kids to suck it, the Georgia Senate is considering a bill that would make it legal for people to discriminate willy (heh) nilly so long as the discriminators hold sincerely held religious beliefs, and blah blah blah, you’ve heard all this before. Queers suck, bakers are now sacred, and everyone should have the right to be as much of a prick as they want to be. GOP 2016! Read more on Georgia Republicans Sneak In Some Gay-Bashing While Lone Democrat Takes A Leak…
  Still No Vaccine For Stupid Yet

Georgia Congresscrank Never Vaccinated His Kids And They All Turned Out Mostly OK

He's a real hot item, Loudermilk
Yet another Republican has gone on the record in favor of infectious diseases. At a town hall meeting last week in Cartersville, Georgia, freshman Rep. Barry Loudermilk explained that he thinks vaccinations should not be mandatory, because none of his unvaccinated children ever caught anything that killed them. Why, yes, Loudermilk is a member of the House Science and Technology Committee. Why do you ask? Read more on Georgia Congresscrank Never Vaccinated His Kids And They All Turned Out Mostly OK…
  No jelly-cows either that's just not right NOT IN GEORGIA

Georgia Republican Will Protect Us From Glow-In-The-Dark Jellyfish People

Never say that Georgia Republican Tom Kirby isn’t fighting for What Matters. Many politicians enter public service because there is something in their hearts that compels them to do it, for the good of their people, and Georgia state Rep. Tom Kirby is no exception. He will protect Georgians from the scourge of human jellyfish fetuses, because that his is calling in life! You didn’t know this was a problem affecting Georgia? That is because you are clearly stupid, let Tom’s website (the URL of which inexplicably ends with “pretty photo”) tell you: Read more on Georgia Republican Will Protect Us From Glow-In-The-Dark Jellyfish People…
 

Judge To Obama: Stop Letting In All Those Immigrants Who Are Already Here!

Screw you, huddled masses
Wednesday was supposed to be the day President Obama officially rolled out the Kenyan welcome mat for all them illegals who’ve already snuck across our border to infect us with diseases and their strange foreign languages. But oh no, you can un-unfurl that Hispanic flag over the White House, Mr. Thinks He’s So President, because United States District Judge Andrew S. Hanen has put a stop to that nonsense, at least for now. Read more on Judge To Obama: Stop Letting In All Those Immigrants Who Are Already Here!…
  Where's Gen. Sherman When We Need Him?

Georgia Senate Demands A.P. History Only Teach About Shiny, Happy America

George Washington crossing the Red River
The Georgia Senate is considering a resolution condemning changes to the Advanced Placement U.S. History (APUSH) test, because they’re worried the new framework doesn’t adequately teach high schoolers how wonderful America is. Georgia is only the latest of several states to have itself a nice freakout over the College Board’s new APUSH framework since the Republican National Committee complained last August that it presented a “consistently negative view of American history.” Read more on Georgia Senate Demands A.P. History Only Teach About Shiny, Happy America…
  2015 Looking A Lot like 2014

Georgia Police Chief Only Shot Wife Once, And It Was Totally An Accident Both Times

You just can't go wrong with Chief Wiggum
The police chief of Peachtree City, Georgia, accidentally shot his wife early in the morning of New Year’s Day. Initial reports of the shooting had said that Chief William E. McCollom had shot Margaret McCollom twice, which really would be a hell of an accident, but a correction issued by the Georgia Bureau of Investigation clarified that the “initial reports that we got from the 911 call” were in error. Chief McCollum had called 911 to report that he’d shot his wife, but it’s unclear whether the inaccurate report of two shots came from him or the 911 dispatcher. We guess in all the excitement, he kind of lost track himself. Read more on Georgia Police Chief Only Shot Wife Once, And It Was Totally An Accident Both Times…
  What The (Bleep!) Does Anyone Know?

2014: The Year Of Terrible Science From People Saying ‘I’m Not A Scientist’

Science: now officially optional!
We know that politicians actually started saying “I’m not a scientist” well before 2014 — Marco Rubio adopted it in 2012 when asked how old the earth was — but this was definitely the year it became Republicans’ go-to strategy for avoiding journalists’ questions about global warming and/or evolution. On matters of climate, it’s a fine supplement to the previous favorite dodge, “I believe the climate is always changing.” And what a fine year of not-science the Right has given us! Read more on 2014: The Year Of Terrible Science From People Saying ‘I’m Not A Scientist’…
  God save us every one

New Congress Hero Saves Christmas From MUUUURDER, Amen

Republican Barry Loudermilk of Georgia is not even in Congress yet, and already, he just might be our favorite congressional wingnut. He believes all the right things: Obamacare is THE WORST, except for the IRS, which is also the worst; unborned fetuses and guns are THE BEST; and YAY values and God and the Bible, oh, and the Constitution too, and boo Hollywood. Yup, we expect great things from this new member of Congress. Read more on New Congress Hero Saves Christmas From MUUUURDER, Amen…
  Only To Find Gideon's Bible

Nice Georgia Elementary School Giving All Its Children The Gift Of Jesus, Hooray!

Wrong Rocky Raccoon. (I take a 7 1/2)
A Georgia elementary school is doing something innovative for its students — no, silly, it’s not trying innovative methods for teaching math or getting kids excited about science. Instead, it’s inviting the Gideons into the school library and having kids line up to get their very own Bibles, which are apparently in such short supply in Georgia that volunteers are needed to hand them out in public schools. But hey, at least they’re promoting literacy by taking the kids to the library, maybe. Read more on Nice Georgia Elementary School Giving All Its Children The Gift Of Jesus, Hooray!…
  Ban Women As 'Attractive Nuisances' Too

Georgia Town Bans Abortions Because They’re, Like, So Much Drama

Just in case you were having trouble staying wide awake all night
The town council of Rossville, Georgia, has taken decisive action to make sure that no pregnant sluts go and ‘bort their babbies in town unless they have a darn good reason, like a handwritten note from Jesus. In a unanimous vote Monday, the council banned any abortion clinics within city limits, although out of the goodness of their hearts they will still allow women to access their constitutional rights under very limited circumstances: Read more on Georgia Town Bans Abortions Because They’re, Like, So Much Drama…
  Son of a Glitch

Connecticut Unable To Get An Election This Morning

Whoops! (yes, it's shopped. Connecticut is not tropical. Yet.)
Update: new development; see end of post. Elections never run flawlessly, and it’s not unusual — and no, not an indication of wholesale fraud — to hear of voting machine glitches and snags. We’re quite willing to accept that there’s nothing nefarious going on when one or two touch screen machines screw up, though that’s also a good argument for good old optical-scan ballots, too. And then there’s more unfortunate applications of Murphy’s Law on Election Day, like how the Georgia secretary of state’s “find your polling place” website crashed this morning. Again, that seems like a glitch, not frauding, although that one looks a lot hinkier in the context of the state maybe losing tens of thousands of new registration applications. Read more on Connecticut Unable To Get An Election This Morning…
  dirty old men

Congrats GOP Septuagenarian, You Are In Jail For Trying To Rape A Lady On Skype!

Olds. They are always burning up your phone like “how do I get to the Wonkette.com?” and “what’s a url?” and “oh no I accidentally attempted to rape a young lady while the Skype was skypeing and the police saw the Skype and now I am IN JAIL!” Learn some computer stuff, olds! Don’t go to JAIL! Read more on Congrats GOP Septuagenarian, You Are In Jail For Trying To Rape A Lady On Skype!…
  'Invisible Man' Wasn't An Instruction Book

We Are Sure Georgia Has A Very Good Reason For Not Letting All Those Black People Vote

Or maybe you just don't exist. Can you prove it?
Nothing like a little week-before-the-election chaos. In Georgia, where activists say that some 40,000 newly registered voters’ names do not yet appear on the state’s database, a judge denied a petition Tuesday requesting that the secretary of state take immediate action to process those missing voters. Judge Christopher Brasher of the Fulton County Superior Court ruled against a claim by the Lawyers’ Committee for Civil Rights, which said that tens of thousands of properly submitted registrations had not been processed. Brasher’s reasoning appears to be that there simply aren’t any missing voters, because Georgia’s attorney general says that the state and counties have processed all the applications they received. Why should the state go out of its way for applications that it’s quite certain don’t exist anyway? Those tens of thousands of Georgians who say they submitted their paperwork but haven’t received registration cards are probably just attention-seekers, we bet. Here are some, seeking attention right now: Read more on We Are Sure Georgia Has A Very Good Reason For Not Letting All Those Black People Vote…