Tag Archives: george will

  twits gotta twit

George Will: Income Inequality Is Good So Poors Should Shut Up

Suck it, people concerned that widening income inequality could lead to economic disruptions and social upheaval!
A cry rang throughout the home of bowtied wax statue George Will, and that cry was “Mother! Father got into the cooking sherry again! He’s locked in his study gibbering like a baboon! Bring me a butterfly net and some spring training box scores!” Read more on George Will: Income Inequality Is Good So Poors Should Shut Up…
  We can't even count high enough

23 Times Fox News Sh*t The Bed, You Are Welcome

So you know how Fox News, America’s No. 1 News Source for Your Racist Uncle, got into that little dustup with Le Gay Paree over, you know, how France and England had created a bunch of Muslims-only Shariah paradises where good and decent Christian folk weren’t allowed, which, well, wasn’t compleeeeeeeetely accurate? Of course you do. Dok told you all about it, and we know that you read this mommyblog and recipe hub with the fervor of a teenage boy on Pornhub. And so you also know that the mayor of Paris is not entirely thrilled: Read more on 23 Times Fox News Sh*t The Bed, You Are Welcome…
  Glad we solved that problem forever

2014: The Year All Rape Ended Forever Because It Never Existed Obviously

Nope, no rape news this year
In the early days of 2014, the world was a simpler, happier place. Bill Cosby was still a kindly, grandfatherly funnyman and not a horrible monster rapist, and we all enjoyed playfully teasing him about his sweaters and Jell-O Pudding Pops until the joke was entirely played out and stale and not funny anymore, seriously, enough. Read more on 2014: The Year All Rape Ended Forever Because It Never Existed Obviously…
  When did you stop assaulting your wife?

Conservative Nutjob Dennis Prager Sexually Assaults His Wife, So What’s The Big Deal?

Your lips are saying no but he's saying yes
Damn those feminists and their lies about “rape” and “sexual assault” and the “war on women” and other “things” Democrats say just to get people to vote for them. Because we all know that “hey, did you know rape is a thing?” is a winning election strategy, which is why feminists rule the country. Read more on Conservative Nutjob Dennis Prager Sexually Assaults His Wife, So What’s The Big Deal?…
  Protip: Miami University Is Nowhere Near The Beach

George Will Discovers New Rape Category

Lucky duckies
George Will advanced the frontiers of Republican classifications of rape during a Wednesday appearance at Miami University, finding a whole new kind of rape that can be added to Legitimate Rape, God Gave You the Precious Gift of a Baby Rape, and Forcible Rape. Read more on George Will Discovers New Rape Category…
  Here have some news n stuff

Did Bazillionaire Bruce Rauner Bully A Reporter Out Of His Job? Yes. Yes, He Did.

He's just a regular super rich guy who's a total dick
Bruce Rauner, the Republican candidate for Illinois governor, is just a regular guy with a van. Oh, and a $100,000 wine club membership. And some Cayman Islands cash. And a charming disposition, by which we mean he allegedly said of a former employee who was suing him that he’d bury her, and hurt her and her family, and make her “radioactive.” Nice guy! (That is sarcasm.) And also, it seems, he is a first-rate bully. And we don’t mean the kind who steals your lunch money. The now-former Chicago Sun-Times reporter David McKinney posted his resignation letter online, in which he describes the consequences he faced after reporting on the lawsuit we just mentioned. The one over which Rauner allegedly made those nice-guy threats. It’s pretty un-freaking-believable: Read more on Did Bazillionaire Bruce Rauner Bully A Reporter Out Of His Job? Yes. Yes, He Did….
  Your Morning Not-Maddow

Charlie P. Pierce, Esq., Misses The George Will Who Didn’t Suck

Hi, Charlie! We love you, Charlie!
Conservative intellectual thought leader George Will made an ass of himself on Fox News Sunday this week, claiming “Some doctors say Ebola can be transmitted through the air by ‘a sneeze or some cough.'” The alleged source of that “information,” the University of Minnesota’s Center for Infectious Disease Research and Policy, was quick to say, “Nuh-uh, George you are very very WRONG, you dip.” Read more on Charlie P. Pierce, Esq., Misses The George Will Who Didn’t Suck…
  Here have some news n stuff

George Will Wishes Government Would Just Leave Rapists Alone Already, Sheesh

In his natural habitat
You know who is The Worst? (For right now, anyway; as we type, some wingnut doucheweasel is trying his or her most bestest to win that coveted title.) George Will. George “Oh, I am so droll” Will. And he is really hung up on “rape” “victims” and how they get all kinds of special treatment and how the government just won’t stop sticking its big wasteful meddling government nose in the epidemic of campus rape, where the government most certainly does NOT belong.Here’s Will on Fox News Sunday, whining yet again about how government should just stay out of everything: Read more on George Will Wishes Government Would Just Leave Rapists Alone Already, Sheesh…
  Idiocy

George Will Trolls Rape Victims, Has Probably Never Been Raped

Oh wow, George Will has committed his thoughts to paper again and they are very special. He says that colleges and the White House have made being a sexual assault victim a “coveted status.” He says it is “preposterous” to believe that 20% of college-age women have been sexually assaulted while in school, since this number does not match the amount of college women who actually report being sexually assaulted. Read more on George Will Trolls Rape Victims, Has Probably Never Been Raped…
  another whack at the chicken

George Will Can’t Stop Fapping Over His Fantasy That Obamacare Is Illegal

This week the D.C. Circuit Court of Appeals will hear arguments in the case of Sissel v. Department of Health and Human Services, yet another of the innumerable legal challenges to the Affordable Care Act that conservatives will be filing forever and ever, world without end, amen. The country could be conquered by a race of super-intelligent Chihuahuas from a desert planet orbiting Alpha Centauri, and all conservatives will want is for the inter-galactic Taco Bell mascots to clone Antonin Scalia eight times and put all the clones on the court so Obamacare can be overturned. Oh, and to allow them to keep all their guns. Sissel turns on the Origination Clause of the Constitution, which states that “All bills for raising revenue shall originate in the House of Representatives; but the Senate may propose or concur with amendments as on other bills.” The plaintiff in the case, small-business owner Matt Sissel, argues that because the penalty for not purchasing health insurance is considered a tax by the Supreme Court, and because the bill that eventually became the ACA originated in the Senate, the mandate is unconstitutional, ipso facto, QED, checkmate bitches. Read more on George Will Can’t Stop Fapping Over His Fantasy That Obamacare Is Illegal…
  moynihan retort

George Will Explains How Single Moms Make Martin Luther King Jr. Cry

Windsor-knotted colostomy bag George Will took the occasion of the upcoming 50th anniversary of the March on Washington For Jobs and Freedom to explain that there’s a very simple reason that there’s an economic disparity between whites and blacks: Black ladies are birthin’ too many babies without a man in the hizzouse. On This Week With George Stephanopoulos, delightfully named WaPo journalist Dan Balz said, “We forget that this was the March for Jobs and Justice [sic] … There has been tremendous progress, there’s no question about that, in all the ways we’re talking about. But the persistence of the gap between white wealth and black wealth, white income and black income, is something that has stayed almost constant for the past two decades.” Nuh-uh, replied Will, dazzling the panel with the exact same analysis that he provided four weeks ago in discussing Detroit’s bankruptcy: “The events to which you refer were foreshadowed by something eight months after the march … A young social scientist from Harvard working in the Labor Department published a report. His name was Daniel Patrick Moynihan. He said, ‘There is a crisis in the African American community, because 24% of African American children are born to unmarried women.’ Today it’s tripled to 72%. That, and not an absence of rights, is surely the biggest impediment.” We were impressed by Will’s vast oversimplification of the 1965 “Moynihan Report,” as well as his simple faith that it was the only legitimate social science research ever to address the question. But what really got our attention was his subsequent proof of his mastery of causal relationships, in which he smashed an egg and did unspeakable things to a chicken. Read more on George Will Explains How Single Moms Make Martin Luther King Jr. Cry…
  triumph of the will

George Will Knows Who To Blame For Detroit Bankruptcy, And It Is ‘Single Moms’ Of Course

Walking Ambien tablet George Will has a creative explanation for Detroit’s bankruptcy: It’s not about factories closing or jobs moving overseas or a declining tax base or anything to do with economics, really. Detroit is a basket case because “their problems are cultural.” Marvel at his impressive code-word gymnastics in this clip from ABC’s This Week, where Will manages to avoid saying “black” even once. Read more on George Will Knows Who To Blame For Detroit Bankruptcy, And It Is ‘Single Moms’ Of Course…
  dreams from my baseball father

George Will: As We See From Baseball, Black Dudes Have It Made

George Will, the Washington Post’s moderately somnolent Guy Who Watches Baseball And Reads Thesauruses, has decided that the story of Frank Robinson is the perfect one to explain the presidential election. Obama’s administration is in shambles, yet he is prospering politically. This may not, however, entirely be evidence of the irrationality of the electorate. Something more benign may be at work. A significant date in the nation’s civil rights progress involved an African American baseball player named Robinson, but not Jackie. The date was Oct. 3, 1974, when Frank Robinson, one the greatest players in history, was hired by the Cleveland Indians as the major leagues’ first black manager. But an even more important milestone of progress occurred June 19, 1977, when the Indians fired him. That was colorblind equality. Read more on George Will: As We See From Baseball, Black Dudes Have It Made…
  hot as the dickens

Fat Cat Gov’t Scientists Suggest It’s Really Hot Outside All The Time

Washington, DC is back down to 85 degrees again today — after two weeks of terrifyingly scorching volcano hell heat worse than anything that even the space between Chris Christie’s thighs have ever encountered, of course. But still: It’s 85 now. Al Gore is back to being fat and gay again, by all reasonable estimates. And yet here come the libtard science trolls to ruin everyone’s fun, again: “Scorching temperatures in June’s second half helped the continental United States break its record for the hottest first six months in a calendar year, the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration said on Monday.” Read more on Fat Cat Gov’t Scientists Suggest It’s Really Hot Outside All The Time…
  will work for food

In Embittered Lovers’ War Of Words, Fox Slams Newt Gingrich For Two-Timing With CNN

It was recently reported that Newt Gingrich and Fox News had a tiff. Newt likes attention and Fox had plenty to give, but not to Newt. Fox met a new man. His name is Mitt. He was everything Newt couldn’t be. Newt tried to get Fox to return by opening up his heart and writing a poem, but nothing worked. Newt started seeing CNN later on and recent reports have seen them out on the town together. Rumor has it that Newt and Callista will even be sitting at CNN’s table rather than Fox’s table during the White House Correspondents’ dinner. When Fox learned of Newt courting CNN, she became jealous and a war of words has now ensued. “This is nothing other than Newt auditioning for a windfall of a gig at CNN – that’s the kind of man he is. Not to mention that he’s still bitter about the fact that we terminated his contributor contract.” Read more on In Embittered Lovers’ War Of Words, Fox Slams Newt Gingrich For Two-Timing With CNN…
  takes one to know one

George Will: Mike Huckabee Is a ‘Vibrator’

2012 DILDO NEWS: “The most recent vibrator is Mike Huckabee,” reports George Will. George Will will not allow Republicans who talk about Barack Obama’s Kenyan birth to be the next president of the United States. That is uncouth. So, like a sporting gentleman, he will refer to them as dildos until they go away. Read more on George Will: Mike Huckabee Is a ‘Vibrator’…
  the bitterest semen

George Will Promises Not To Masturbate To State of the Union

George Will likes politics, but he does not like politics when everyone is not wearing a top hat and legislators arrive to the Capitol by auto-mobile instead of Negro-drawn carriage. “Between Jefferson and Woodrow Wilson, no one delivered this in person. They sent their report to Congress in writing. But now we’ve turned this into this panorama in which—in an interminable speech, every president, regardless of party, tries to stroke every erogenous zone in electorate.” George Will does not like to be touched as such. He has already subjected himself to these types of relations in order to have children, and he will never waste his time in such a manner ever a-gain. Read more on George Will Promises Not To Masturbate To State of the Union…
  crazy people

THE WEEKEND’S MOST SHOCKING NEWS: From this George Will column in which he praises Michele Bachmann “George Will style” (huffs gently in approval): “When [Bachmann] was a teenager in Anoka, Minn., she was a nanny for a young girl named Gretchen Carlson. Today, Carlson, a Stanford honors graduate who studied at Oxford, is a host of ‘Fox & Friends,’ the morning show on — wouldn’t you know — Fox News Channel.” We knew the whole “Gretchen Carlson” character was just some over-educated alien’s performance art. Where did the Michele Bachmann touch you, Gretchen? [Washington Post] Read more on …
  serious humans

Government Now Has George Will’s Permission To End This War, Too

George Will is such a hot potato right now! BUT A SPINELESS POTATO? He received so much publicity for his other column a few days ago — when he “stunned” Washington by “going Galt” and calling for an end to the millenia-old Afghanistan war, making him the first very serious important pundit to do so, ever — that now he’s like, “Iraq is also no good.” Hmm where’d he get that idea? Probably the Huffington Post or Al Gore one of the other Internet places. Read more on Government Now Has George Will’s Permission To End This War, Too…
  and now we wait

Important Baseball Scholar Will Type Later This Week About Why We Should Leave Afghanistan

Politico fiend Mike Allen is going insane about an upcoming piece from the Washington Post‘s very very serious conservative columnist George Will, in which he will offer the “startling recommendation” that maybe our government should end that other Middle East war it started ten million years ago. Choose your own reaction! (1) Who cares what mean old George Will says about anything? (2) Hooray for George Will! You take that stand, George! (3) Ha ha, “pull-out.” [Politico] Read more on Important Baseball Scholar Will Type Later This Week About Why We Should Leave Afghanistan…
  wonk'd

Staycation: Famous For DC People Remain In DC, Even In July!

So we did a midsummer slow news day’s Wonk’d yesterday and what do you know, another billion Wonk’d sightings arrived in out Tips Box this morning. It’s like you people can be easily manipulated by suggestion. “Here are some Wonkette readers sending us Wonk’d items … this means you must do the same, reader.” And it works! (Next time we’ll subliminally make you do something vulgar in the Reflecting Pool.) Anyway, enjoy these eyewitness reports of Maria Shriver, Ralph Nader, Rahm Emanuel and Others doing whatever it is they do, in Washington! Read more on Staycation: Famous For DC People Remain In DC, Even In July!…
  oh boy

Hey It’s Barack Obama Sitting On Some Stairs

George Will is dying right now. The president is sitting on a pile of trash, basically. And is the fellow on the left wearing dungarees and flip flops? Can we get a column on flip flops, George Will? Close those legs, Obama. [Pete Souza/White House] Read more on Hey It’s Barack Obama Sitting On Some Stairs…