Tag Archives: george washington

  the commentczar's in town

Deleted Comments: Democrats Did The KKK, So Wonkette’s The REAL Racist

Fer one thing, its eyes are just teensy li'l things...
We sure did get a Passel o’ Stupid in reply to our piece suggesting that Memphis should get rid of its big Nathan Bedford Forrest statue (the public one, not the crazy-ass Nashville abomination above, which is on private land), seeing as how the guy was a vicious racist and war criminal. Except really, we mostly just got the same stupid comment, repeated with endless variations, and it looked a little something like these examples from “Angyl Ricardi,” who knows the real source of racism: Read more on Deleted Comments: Democrats Did The KKK, So Wonkette’s The REAL Racist…
  crying over you

Who Will Be New House Speaker When GOP Murders John Boehner With Fire?

Is this mean? It might be a little mean. Then again, John Boehner is mean.
Every two years, all the wild-and-crazy Tea Party guys in the House GOP put on their togas and have a big awesome food fight and promise this time they’re really, really gonna get Dean Wormer, or at least INPEACH John Boehner for being a big dumb drunk RINO who only lets them shut down the government a little bit. BOO NO FUN, BOYCOTT JOHN BOEHNER, UNFAIR TO CRAZY PEOPLE! Read more on Who Will Be New House Speaker When GOP Murders John Boehner With Fire?…
  Pew pew pew!

Florida Makes It Even Easier To Live Out Your Family-Friendly Gun-Humping Fantasies

Is the guy on the right also the guy in the middle, or do all gun-humpers look the same to Yr Wonket?
Orlando has long been a destination for theme-park enthusiasts, so if you’re planning to bring the kids to see Mickey and Minnie, be sure to swing by Machine Gun America, a brand-spankin’-new theme park that opens Saturday, Dec. 20. If you have to ask what kinds of fun things you can do at Machine Gun America, try saying the name out loud. Are you getting it yet? WTSP explains more. Read more on Florida Makes It Even Easier To Live Out Your Family-Friendly Gun-Humping Fantasies…
  Tragical History Tour

Ben Carson Pretty Sure AP U.S. History Will Make Your Kid A Terrorist

Why so much negativity? There were probably slaves who were glad not to have the burden of children, too.
Ben Carson has given us yet another reason to hope that he’s going to run for president: this dopey video of his appearance Monday at the Center for Security Policy’s National Security Action Summit, in which he speaks very movingly about what he considers the many flaws of the revised Advanced Placement U.S. History (APUSH) framework, about which he appears to have read an article somewhere. Read more on Ben Carson Pretty Sure AP U.S. History Will Make Your Kid A Terrorist…
  with liberty and word salad for all

Drinky-Drivey Supreme Court Candidate Will Bible You So Hard, Minnesota

Hey, remember Michelle MacDonald, the completely sober lady who’s running for Minnesota Supreme Court and insists that DUI charges against her are a political frame-up, even though she refused a breathalyzer test and was charged with resisting arrest, too? Turns out she is also a big fan of the true law of the land: The Holy Bible, though she hears tell that there are some other, lesser statutes out there, too, like the Constitution. Read more on Drinky-Drivey Supreme Court Candidate Will Bible You So Hard, Minnesota…
  the crass and the spurious

Allen West’s New Book-Shaped Object Full Of Slavery And Fake Founding Fathers Quotes

Allen West’s terrible new book is finally out, although the cover photo has been kicking around since November. Frankly, when we saw articles about West’s “new book” we thought maybe this was a rushed sequel. But no, it just turns out that West’s exciting memoirfesto, Guardian of the Republic: An American Ronin’s Journey to Faith, Family and Freedom, only slithered onto bookstore shelves on April 1. Somehow, the anticipation between the release of the cover image and the actual collection of typed pages managed not to kill us. So now that the rough beast has slouched into Amazon, what is in this tome? Would you believe “fake quotes from the Founding Fathers” and “stupid slavery analogies”? We bet you would! Read more on Allen West’s New Book-Shaped Object Full Of Slavery And Fake Founding Fathers Quotes…
  a new kind of thing

Wonkette After Dark: Which President Most Resembles A Penis? And More!

Dwight D. Eisenower is the president who most resembles a penis. Just kidding, it’s George Washington. Barack Obama looks kind of like a penis if you blur your eyes. Maybe he is the third or fourth most penis-looking president. Oh hello! We were just talking to ourselves about which presidents look like penises, and ranking them. How are you? That’s too bad. Anyway, welcome to Wonkette After Dark. Wonkette After Dark is a place and a thing, but not a person. The point of Wonkette After Dark is mostly to talk about what presidents look like what genitalia, and also philosophy, and also to rank every president named Franklin in order of sexiness, and also to have a post up here that you can fuck around on. 1) Franklin Pierce. 2) Franklin Delano Roosevelt. Did you read anything today that was funny, but you’re not sure if it was supposed to be? We did. It was this: It is times like this which demand to be altered; which call for a Martin Luther, a Tom Paine, a John Brown, perhaps a Gingrich. Read more on Wonkette After Dark: Which President Most Resembles A Penis? And More!…
  never surrender

You Can Have This Lady’s Version Of The First Amendment When You Pry It From Her Cold Dumb Hands

We’re always surprised to find out that there are still government bodies all over America that still think it is a dandy idea to start their meetings with a prayer, but only a prayer to Jeebus, of course, because any other prayer is for heathens that are going to hell. Still, it takes a special kind of uber-stupid to keep doing so in defiance of a court order, which is exactly what some ridiculous Carroll County, Maryland, Commissioner is doing, thanks to her rather peculiar and narrow view of the First Amendment as something that protects only Christians, which is based on the Bible or maybe George Washington. We’re not really clear on that part. Nor is she, probably. Read more on You Can Have This Lady’s Version Of The First Amendment When You Pry It From Her Cold Dumb Hands…
  wonkette world o' books

Sundays With The Christianists: In Great Artist Jon McNaughton’s Novel, Wingnuts Finally Win Every Argument

Sternums up, everybody! Time to wrap up our visit to the mind of Great American Artist Of America Jon McNaughton, as revealed in his teen novel Knight of the Superstitions. It’s a stirring tale of a young Mary Sue named Josh Knight, who with the help of his guardian angel Nathaniel becomes adept at seeing and defeating the surprisingly boring demons and other evil influences that plague our world. Last week we looked at Josh’s spiritual journey, such as it is; this week, we’ll take a look at the book’s very insightful political content, although we suppose McNaughton would say there’s no difference. So strap on your Spiritual Armor — we recommend strong coffee or maybe a Bloody Mary — and we’ll watch Josh strike a blow for liberty against the oppression of liberal education. Read more on Sundays With The Christianists: In Great Artist Jon McNaughton’s Novel, Wingnuts Finally Win Every Argument…
  a confederacy of dunces

Congresscritters Bachmann, Gohmert, & King Love Egyptian Coup, Think Muslim Brotherhood Did 9/11

America’s three stupidest congresscritters, Michele Bachmann, Louie Gohmert, and Steve King (the cantaloupe guy, not the IRA guy), held a press conference Saturday to praise the Egyptian military for overthrowing the elected government and for its recent attempt to eliminate the Muslim Brotherhood; they also expressed their support for continued arms sales to the military government and urged it to “stand firm” against terrorism. The three appeared to attribute all terrorism to the Muslim Brotherhood, because it has the scary name “Muslim Brotherhood” after all. Read more on Congresscritters Bachmann, Gohmert, & King Love Egyptian Coup, Think Muslim Brotherhood Did 9/11…
  wee duh people

Sundays With The Christianists: American History Textbooks That Are 3/5 Accurate

You might think that our Christianist textbooks would have the decency to mention this true historical event where Jesus handed the Constitution to America’s children while Washington, Lincoln, Adams and Hamilton sang show tunes, but this basic fact is strangely absent from the two textbooks we’ve been reviewing. They don’t even argue that the Constitution is directly inspired by the Bible, though possibly their having been written in the 1990s explains their exclusion of that bit of lunacy, which is mostly a recent product of the highly imaginative David Barton. Even so, there’s plenty of Godstuff to go around! Read more on Sundays With The Christianists: American History Textbooks That Are 3/5 Accurate…
  give me liberty or give me derp

Sundays With The Christianists: American History Textbooks For Revolting Patriots

Fresh on the heels of America’s Bestest Holiday, it’s time for another delightful visit to the world of Christianist textbooks, and as it turns out, they’re talkin’ about a Revolution, too. As we’ve noted in some of our earlier visits to wingnut history books, the editors of these books tend to be fairly straightforward when it comes to military history, and the American Revolution is no different. Both of our samples, the 8th grade America: Land I Love (A Beka Book, 1994) and the 11th-12th grade United States History For Christian Schools (Bob Jones University Press, 2001), present the conflicts and events of the period in terms that wouldn’t be out of place in a secular textbook — there’s no idiocy about God helping out the colonial forces with a bunch of “miracles,” for instance. It’s as if once the editors have some actual war-making to talk about, they feel free to set aside the Culture War that’s at the heart of the books’ agenda. Read more on Sundays With The Christianists: American History Textbooks For Revolting Patriots…
  flotus files

Michelle Obama Takes Millionth Vacation For Fake Holiday

Here we are again, trying to keep the rats from eating the last of our Ramen noodles while our FLOTUS wines and dines (in reasonable portions, of course) across the country. This past weekend, Michelle Obama took the First Niñas on a ski adventure in Aspen, Colorado, providing the American people with a sixteenth(!!!!) occasion to explode with rage. But this wasn’t actually our FLOTUS’ most scandalous action over the weekend. Over at CNN, there is somebody with a grievance against the First Lady, and surprisingly, it is not because of her fancy vacations. It is because of the way she is taking those fancy vacations, on holidays that do not exist. Read more on Michelle Obama Takes Millionth Vacation For Fake Holiday…
  also a holiday cocktails blog

This Holiday, Start Your Own Eggnog Riot With Our Handy Recipe!

You probably can’t quite get yourself worked up enough over the new Air Jordans to join the bloodthirsty mobs across the nation tearing each other’s limbs off under rainstorms of police pepper-spray in order to get hold of some ugly sneakers down at the mall, because that is awful. But did you know that Americans used to hold holiday riots over much more fun things, like eggnog? It’s true! In 1826, a group of mischievous West Point cadets smuggled many, many gallons of whiskey into the Academy to make a nice boozed-up eggnog for the Christmas party, just like George Washington also used to love for celebrating the baby Jeebus. As a result of getting wasted, on eggnog, they lost their minds and mutinied like hell for TWO STRAIGHT DAYS. Sounds more fun than bleeding to death out your ears on the floor of the mall, right? So here is a recipe for you to get the ball rolling on your very own commemorative Eggnog Riot: Read more on This Holiday, Start Your Own Eggnog Riot With Our Handy Recipe!…
  he'll kick you apart

10 Fun (Untrue?) Things You Didn’t Know About George Washington

Will this be the last President’s Day/George Washington/Sorta Lincoln holiday in America? Depends how the violent insurrections and crushing poverty and societal collapse go, over these next 12 months! So let’s remember our nation’s “First Dude” by compiling a listicle of 10 Sexy Tips To Drive George Washington Wild In Bed (“3: Somehow make him alive.”) or whatever, to honor the United States’ first “Warblogging President.” He crushed the blimey British like dried testicles under his manly boot heels, and that’s why we still put him on our most worthless piece of paper currency! 10. Lost all his teeth in a YouTube “teen cutting video” gone wrong. 9. Thanks to his long, bony middle finger (exactly like the nocturnal lemur known as the Aye-Aye), Colonel Washington was able to remove Benjamin Franklin’s gallstones through a tiny “keyhole incision,” thus inventing modern robotic-assisted surgery. (The finger was itself robotic, and built by David Bushnell, the same clever inventor who created “The Turtle,” America’s first war submarine.) Read more on 10 Fun (Untrue?) Things You Didn’t Know About George Washington…
  cartoon violence

Horrible Things That Go In Your Mouth

By the Comics CurmudgeonThe Wonkette empire was of course built on ass-fucking, but the prudes of American journalism have a problem with depicting anal sex in mainstream political cartoons. This despite the fact that it’s an act perfectly suited for modern-day politics’ crude discourse. (“Boy, that federal government sure is fucking us in the ass, with its taxes, huh? The government! It’ll fuck ya! In the ass!” ) So instead, political cartoonists have to do oral. Sometimes it’s all sublimated, and sometimes it … isn’t? See the mouth-horror, after the jump. Read more on Horrible Things That Go In Your Mouth…