Known magazine TIME reported earlier in the day that Barack Obama, who hasn’t been to church since quitting Jeremiah Wright’s mosque last year, has chosen as “his primary place of worship” the “Evergreen Chapel, the nondenominational church at Camp David,” where other congregants include local forest creatures such as rabbits and donkeys. George W. Bush also “chose to worship” there, at the president’s secret Maryland lair, because if there are no cameras then you don’t actually have to go. But the most interesting thing about this TIME report is that it is WRONG and Barack Obama still hates Mister Jesus. MORE »

Uhh: “Dad loves the outdoors. He often took me fishing when I was a kid. We’d go fishing for bluefish off the coast of Maine. I learned the skills of fishing from listening to him, and the joy of fishing from watching him. Dad’s a good hunter, too, and one Christmas he gave me a shotgun, a .410. I would go with him to Louisiana to shoot ducks. Those are fond memories.” [Daily Beast]

Once upon a time Bill Clinton was a hot young maverick with an endearing taste for french fries and plump ladies, while George W. Bush charmed the world with his cockulicious flight-suit costumes and unquenchable thirst for near-beer. But now, compared to our elegant new president (Dr. Spock), these two guys just look like washed-up old losers who can’t even sell out a crowd in Canada. We haven’t seen this precipitous a decline among members of the Washington elite since Butterstick hit the crack pipe. MORE »

The so-called media elites in this godforsaken country got it all wrong yesterday, playing up that “Beltway Rumble” between Barack Obama and Dick Cheney. They should’ve been paying attention to the day’s most important speech from OH WE DON’T KNOW maybe the current President of the United States, George Bush Junior? He’s alive! And while his former intern Dick Cheney was cackling about death and carnage and sadism in Washington, Bush was cold talkin’ dog shit with a bunch of high school kids in the alien concentration camp of Roswell, New Mexico. MORE »

• NOT A BAD MOVE ACTUALLY: Former President George W. Bush missed both Obama and Cheney’s speeches today, because he was traveling to, let’s see, New Mexico, “where he is the keynote speaker Thursday night at a fund raising dinner for a scholarship program for students at Artesia High School.” [Political Ticker]

Oh hey has everyone seen that GQ article by the perpetually awesome Robert Draper about how completely insane the Defense Department went under the crazed leadership of lilliputian despot Donald Rumsfeld? GOOD GOLLY, as Rumsfeld would say. MORE »

If the town of Woodward, Oklahoma wore pants, it would be shitting them right now. The president is coming to visit, you see! No, not that president — the real one, with the sticker. He will make this 4th of July the most exciting holiday since Opal Cornhole’s goat got into the vodka-filled watermelon and spent the evening humping a lamppost. MORE »

So we’re finally getting around to reading Obama’s second book, The Audacity of Hope, because we didn’t want to read it before the election and get all pissed off at the guy for writing some bullshit hardcover pamphlet about the Politics. His first book, I Dream of Africa, was pretty good! All the more reason to be wary of the one he wrote after he was in the Senate. Would there be moments of “BLAM!” in it? Probably not. But there are some funny stories, it turns out! MORE »

Boo hoo, Nobama’s so-called “empathy administration” sure doesn’t have much empathy for the nation’s Polar Bears. Mean old George W. Bush wouldn’t put the Snow Monsters on the Endangered Species list, and now Barack Obama’s Interior Department won’t do it, either. Why does this slick street hustler hate nature? MORE »

Oh noes the wingnuts are very, very upset! Why? This street negro, Barack Obama, allegedly kowtowed to the Saudi King while meeting said Saudi King at the G-20. (The White House says, “Uhh, Obama is a lot taller than that old dwarf, so he bent down to look at him.”) It is shameful for an American president to politely bow one’s head while being presented to a Saudi Prince/King. You are supposed to smooch him up and hold his hand and walk him around your ranch and then give him a loving blowjob, like George W. Bush Junior always did! Let’s remember the good times, together. MORE »

Wonkette operative “Miriam H.” sends us this historic photo of our nation’s greatest president, George W. Bush, at a Texas baseball game today, where he threw out the first pitch. He is looking east at Mecca because it is that time of day. This is the closest a Wonkette operative has ever gotten to George W. Bush — THAT WE KNOW OF. Gross.