Wonkette

AND EVERYONE’S HAPPY: “President George W. Bush signed the biggest government intervention in the financial markets since the Great Depression after U.S. House of Representatives lawmakers wary of growing signs of the nation’s economic distress voted Friday in favor of a $700 billion Wall Street rescue package. Mr. Bush welcomed the passage of a rescue plan, saying it will help the nation’s economy withstand the financial turmoil.” Never Forget. [WSJ]

Whoa what is going on here, the wacky bailout bill has somehow passed in the House of Representatives by two million votes, 263-171. Take that, uh, China!…?? Many House Republicans switched from “no” to “yes” because they thought they were voting on a measure legalizing gay sex with pages. Now the bill will be driven in a fat cat limousine down Pennsylvania Avenue to the White House, where George Bush is currently naked and expecting it. A Rose Garden signing ceremony is also expected, during which Hank Paulson will personally light on fire a pyre of $700 billion. But don’t worry, he knows what he’s doing! The Dow Jones has dropped several hundred points since the good news came out. [NYT]

• NUMBERS ARE FOR LOSERS: Oh well this is nice: after the Dow plummeted 600 points early this afternoon, it recovered most of those losses. And by that we mean CONTINUED TO PLUMMET HORRIBLY GAHHH. It’s down 770 777 points, which sounds eerily like a “record.” The S&P and Nasdaq are faring even worse, percentage-wise. Here’s a bonus “afternoon funny” for you to laugh at and then tell all yr work friends: the last time Congress swiftly passed a major, bipartisan piece of legislation was to authorize an idiot to launch the worst foreign policy decision in modern American history. So maybe things aren’t so bad hmm? [WSJ]

What’s it take to make this guy, our moronic tool of a president, seem like an ever-so-slightly sympathetic figure? Well, there’s the hilarious global dancing he likes to do, and then there’s John McCain. McCain parachuted into town yesterday and RUINED THE COMPROMISE that was at least going to maybe try to save the economy before it completely collapsed. Let’s see what George Junior has to say, as the stock market opens and plunges. MORE »

HELP US, GEORGE W., YOU ARE OUR ONLY HOPE? Oh dear lord, George W. Bush will be rolled out in a moment to speak about the Depression, again. Liveblogging will occur. [Associated Press]

DEBATEGATE, LULZ, HA: “Organizers said Wednesday they were going ahead as planned with the first 2008 US presidential debate, despite Republican John McCain’s call to postpone the event in the face of the Wall Street crisis. ‘We have been notified by the Commission on Presidential Debates that we are proceeding as scheduled,’ said the University of Mississippi, which was to host Friday’s encounter between McCain and Democrat Barack Obama.” Seems like McCain knew they wouldn’t cancel this. He just wanted a few Maverick headlines, like back in the old days when he was a Star. It’s funny because no one cares, at all. Ha ha, his favorite President George Bush is speaking on teevee tonight, too. [Jonathan Martin]

It’s time for an old-fashioned “fireside chat,” minus the fire, and minus the comforting voice of paternal buddy Franklin “FDR” Roosevelt. Instead, that one guy will be rolled out this evening, Bush Junior. He will awkwardly read from a teleprompter about the dire economic situation and how those lousy Dems better back Paulson’s $700 billion Wall Street bailout. And then America can laugh again, at this dildo who can’t even read. [Fox News]

Congressional Democrats will save the economy this Friday by letting Henry Paulson, the new president, do whatever he wants about anything, policy-wise. Mostly this will involve giving a trillion dollars to his friends on Wall Street in exchange for some junk mortgages which Paulson will re-sell, to no one, because they’re junk mortgages. On the bright side, the dollar will plummet under the weight of all this new debt, meaning inflation will soar, meaning one trillion dollars will be the new 27 cents. Cheap! So who should pay for this, the worst proposal of the Bush Administration since the Iraq war? Let’s see if we can tabulate a trillion dollars worth of sucky people’s money to take for the big Money Bonfire of 2008. MORE »

Poor George Bush, he has had to Address the Nation two days in a row, that is how awful this financial crisis has gotten. He is walking out onto his nice patio surrounded by all the people who John McCain will fire once he’s president: the chairman of the SEC, our old pal Henry Paulson, and Ben Bernanke. Let’s hear how bad our individual tax bills will be once we’ve socialized every large business in the US. Will we have to eat our housepets? Will there be condiments still? MORE »

America’s president, George W. Bush, was supposed to go to a fundraiser today but he had to stay home and send Dick Cheney in his stead to stand around the buffet table and shovel shrimp cocktail into his pockets. Why? Because of the economy, which George Bush is “concerned” about! He even talked about it, on the teevee. MORE »

Oh no! Our greatest President, George Bush Jr., is DYING of SKIN CANCER on his DUMB FAT FOREHEAD — YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW PEOPLE: “WASHINGTON (AP) - President Bush underwent treatment for a benign lesion over the weekend, leaving a noticeable scab on his forehead as he went about his business on Tuesday.” Benign? Ha, wrong! Nothing about this man is benign, he is a filthy sticky pad of cancer: “Bush has had lesions removed before: two noncancerous moles from his left temple in 2007, a precancerous lesion on his left arm in 2006, a noncancerous skin growth on his neck in July 2005, small lesions from his left shoulder and face in 2004, and others from his face in December 2001.” George Bush has been dead since 2001 and no one knew, not even the MSM, this is terrible & we should bomb someone (Rumsfeld). [AP]

By the Comics Curmudgeon

While most Americans have just now started paying attention to the Presidential election (holy smokes, did you know there’s a black fella running? And some kind of moose lady?), we know that you faithful Wonkette readers have been following it since the day it began, which is to say November 4, 2004. Therefore, because whimsical cartoons are supposed to take your mind away from the daily horrors of your existence, we here at Cartoon Violence offer a one-week respite from the presidential campaign, which we’re sure you’ll appreciate. After that, it’s back to John McCain’s weirdly lumpy cheeks for the next seven weeks, or until we kill ourselves. MORE »

Oh dear, it looks like those liberal celebrities are insulting George W. Bush’s heroism by plotting amateurish “copycat crimes” against Freedom. Why else would self-loathing college rapper Kanye West be arrested at the airport, on 9/11? Exactly. Now let’s invade, what, Belgium or Egypt or something. [CNN]

Remember to leave your stockings out tonight, kids, because 9/11 comes but once a year! Rudy Giuliani will fly on his 9/11 Sleigh pulled by eight rats to deliver gifts to the world’s non-Muslim children — a ritual dating back to the First 9/11, when George W. Bush ordered Americans to go to the mall and buy shit to show Resolve. What will Rudy bring you this year? If you’re lucky, it’ll be a… fwuitcake! [YouTube]