Jenna and Henry are really married! But the very private 92-degrees-outside Texas wedding at the livestock pond at least offered George W. Bush another chance to do something embarrassing on the dance floor. Guess what song Jenna and Daddy chose for their special dance? Creepy yacht-rock fuck ballad "You Are So Beautiful," that's what. Let's cringe together, after the jump.
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Finally, George and Laura have almost married off one of the First Twins! It only took eight years, but Jenna found a "taker" and she's getting hitched tomorrow at her parents' fake "ranch" in Crawford, which sounds only a little better than "Waco," and it's time to celebrate the occasion with a bunch of bullshit trivia, after the jump.
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We are only two days away from The Wedding, and there are simply too many questions remaining! Will Jenna run off at the altar, like Julia Roberts does in all those movies? How hot will Lauren be dressed? Which pizza chains will whore themselves out shamelessly in a losing attempt to cater the reception? Oh look, we already know the answer to that last one!
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From showbiz magazine Entertainment Weekly, here is an actor named "Josh Brolin" just after he got the sad news that he has to play the "Will Farrell" character in Oliver Stone's new movie about the George W. Bush Jr. assassination cover-up. [EW]
For some reason, Laura Bush decided to be president today and gave a press conference attacking the Burmese government for the way it handled the cyclone that has killed upwards of 10,000 citizens. Laura Bush said, "Although they were aware of the threat, Burma's state-run media failed to issue a timely warning to citizens in the storm's path." How would the Bush administration have handled a large natural disaster, however?
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Arianna Huffington says John McCain told her he didn't vote for George W. Bush in 2000, and she thinks this is some indication of "how far he's fallen." It could be that, or it could be that George W. Bush had ruined his chance at the presidency by racially smearing his young daughter only months earlier. [HuffPo]
A new CNN poll finds President George W. Bush Jr.'s disapproval rating at 71%. Three cheers and a free bag of Cheetos for our best hated overlord! To put that in perspective: President Nixon's disapproval rating was 67% just before he resigned in 1974; Harry S. Truman's was 66% in January, 1952, after he started a new war and let black and white people fight together in it! Can you imagine? [CNN]
Thousands of dockworkers from Seattle to San Diego didn't show up at work today, forcing the closure of all 29 ports in the Western United States — including the busiest American ports at Los Angeles and Long Beach. What the hell?
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OH YEAH IT'S ALSO 'LAW DAY': What, there's another made-up anti-May Day holiday today? Would you like to read something sad & hilarious? Here's Bush's "Law Day Proclamation" for May 1, 2008. [White House]
Despite the real issues facing Americans — have you heard about this old black man Jeremiah Wright? — the 2008 candidate with the biggest political liability is John McCain, who loves George W. Bush more than anything.
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The liberal terrorists at MoveOn.org are launching a $1 million ad campaign (heyo!) against John McCain, because who the hell else is gonna do it, JESUS H. CHRIST (Mike Huckabee)? The first ad is running in some states where McCain has been running his own ads unopposed, and it features a birthday cake. Or an anniversary cake. It's an Iraq Birthday-Anniversary Cake, celebrating 5-100 years of fun in the sun! Stupid liberals always miss the point — if you make cake analogous to a vote for John McCain, everyone will vote for John McCain. Check out the Elitism ad below.
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The big news today shows that we are not — as every politician says — in a recession after all! A "recession," of course, is defined by two consecutive quarters of negative GDP growth. And in Q1 2008, the American economy grew by 0.6%, just as it did in Q4 2007. Take that you Liberals; you and your wretched Doomsday scenarios! Sure, the actual Great New Depression may only be starting right now and lasting another 50 years. But for right now, George Bush 'n' Tax Cuts have saved the economy again! [AP/Breitbart]
Dorkus W. Dildo had a press conference today, in his garden. He is very rich and has an entire hospital to attend to him and bombs anything that makes him confused and no matter what crime he does, he never gets sent to prison, so he is exactly like ordinary poor Americans like you. Bush Junior has heard about how maybe the "economic" is a problem, so he told those losers who still have to act like he's important — you know, the White House correspondents — that he "figured out" what was wrong and guess what, it's Congress, which has Democrats.
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First they came for our jobs. Then they came for our jobs again. They came for our jobs several times after this. But now the Mexicans are coming for our White House BlackBerries. At a meeting of Canadian, Mexican and U.S. officials this week, a Mexican aide "pocketed" several BlackBerries belonging to the U.S. delegation. Two questions: (1) How did this aide illegally get into the country in the first place? (2) Why didn't we elect Mitt Romney to stop this illegal behavior?
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