Oh here’s John Hodgman, author of the weird and hilarious The Areas of My Expertise, who is apparently also a “minor television personality,” who knew?! And here is his very sly “roast” of the president, Barack Obama, at some event covered by C-SPAN. Worth watching just to see Obama cracking up over the hinjinx of the Birthers. Also, there are hobbit jokes. Basically, EVERY WONKETTE MEME OF 2008-2009 is in this John Hodgman routine. [C-SPAN/YouTube]

Mormon-Scientologist Mitt Romney (pictured here with The Joker) was down at Regent University earning a master’s degree in Pretend World History yesterday, and he told an audience of future Monica Goodlings all about a crazy land called “France,” where the ladies wear no pants and people only mate every seven years on their home planet of Vulcan.

He also criticized people who choose not to get married because they enjoy the single life.

“It seems that Europe leads Americans in this way of thinking,” Romney told the crowd of more than 5,000. “In France, for instance, I’m told that marriage is now frequently contracted in seven-year terms where either party may move on when their term is up. How shallow and how different from the Europe of the past.”

While this is not true in any way, seven-year marriage contracts are a humorous feature of neo-con sci-fi author Orson Scott Card’s book The Memory of Earth, which is itself a science-fictionalization of The Book of Mormon.

We’re very close to endorsing Mitt Romney for President, because we really want to see Earth start a war with the Klingons. MORE »

Despite the tragic whining on John Edwards’ blog, it turns out the cyber-virtual computer-world “Second Life” maniacs who let loose a “feces-spewing obscenity” on the handsome candidate’s cyber-virtual computer-world “Second Life” pretend campaign headquarters are not lonely Republican cyber activists.

The hit on Edwards’ HQ had nothing to do with politics and everything to do with making the intolerable boredom of “Second Life” sort of funny. Webzine 10 Zen Monkeys reveals the gang behind the hit is notorious for pulling dadaist pranks on the nervous cyber-avatars who spend all their time buying virtual penises and having furry conventions and virtual orgies on pretend nude beaches.

Meet the Patriotic Nigras: e-terrorists at large, after the jump.

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We knew as soon as we wrote yesterday’s poll that we’d made a fatal mistake. There was no way Katherine Harris could lose it. It’s our fault as much as hers - the poor woman can barely fire a campaign manager before we start alleging that she’s a bad candidate. So Harris won the poll with 42.7%. Ho-hum. What about the rest of the Worst Campaigners in America?

At #2 with 17.8% of the vote, we’ve got Nassau County Executive Tom Suozzi (pictured above). The old trope about politics - “Hollywood for ugly people” - has rarely been as true as it is in New York, where this mutton-faced schlub is considered “dashing” and “handsome” and possessing “charisma to burn.” Tom’s problem: He believed his hype. So he ran against one of the most famous and popular men in American politics, Eliot Spitzer, on a platform of firing the rest of the state’s politicians and putting tolls on the Long Island Expressway. Somehow, he failed to get any traction whatsoever.

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Congrats to Rudy Giuliani on cleaning up in yesterday’s poll. As we can clearly see above, Rudy’s 1981 hair is easily geekier than Goerge Allen’s contemporaneous ‘do. We suspect the sky-blue three piece suit certainly helped with the overall geekiness, but there’s no denying that that’s a combover that could’ve taken home the prize on its own.

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