Tag Archives: gays

  IMAGINE if Ted Cruz was president of the gays

Ted Cruz Would Be Very Bad News For Gays, If He Were President LOL

Not immaculate, but OK
Canadian Ted Cruz declared his candidacy for emperor of the US Americas today, having decided that the best way to run a presidential campaign is to blow your load really early, like a teenage girl trying to be the first say “FIRST!!!” in a Perez Hilton comment thread. He, of course, did his premature ejaculation announcement speech at Dead Jerry Falwell’s Liberty University, the only known educational institution to have the distinction of being the safety school you go to if you can’t get into University of Phoenix. Speechifying at Liberty is a surefire dogwhistle, when you want to reassure hateful, stupid idiots that you are just as hateful and stupid as they are. Falwell, after all, famously blamed the gays, the abortionists and the ACLU for 9/11. Read more on Ted Cruz Would Be Very Bad News For Gays, If He Were President LOL…
  They are just saying that's all

Tennessee Church: Know Who Else Wanted Equal Rights? SATAN!

The newest hysterical entry into the “who can wig out the best over gay marriage?” contest comes from the Knoxville Baptist Tabernacle Church in Knoxville, Tennessee, who decided to use their church sign to remind everyone that this whole fight for “equal rights” is nothing new. In fact, Satan himself debuted the concept, when he wanted equality with God, or something like that, we are pretty sure none of this is in the Bible: Read more on Tennessee Church: Know Who Else Wanted Equal Rights? SATAN!…
  Here's an ACTUAL candidate for rehoming

Alabama Chief Justice Roy Moore’s Offspring Arrested For Being Good Christian, Also Drugs

Awwww, he's cute, doesn't look near as stupid as his Daddy.
It’s very difficult these days, managing a career devoted to mangling the lives of LGBT people you’ve never met, and also raising your own children. Alabama Supreme Court Chief Justice Roy Moore knows this struggle well, as he seems to have a rabid dick-child who probably needs to be rehomed with nature. The child’s name is Caleb, and he is probably wasted right now, as he was when he got arrested again for being a ne’er-do-well: Read more on Alabama Chief Justice Roy Moore’s Offspring Arrested For Being Good Christian, Also Drugs…
  Especially if you put the homo kisses next to the Jumble!

Texas GOP Chair Just Don’t Cotton To Them ‘Angry-Looking Homosexual Women’

That guy right there, name of Tom Mechler, has been chosen to be the new head of the Texas GOP, and boy howdy, does he have some thoughts on the gays and what they’ve gone and done to civility and family values culture! The Texas Observer reports that Mechler, last March, penned himself a screed in the Amarillo Globe-News, due to an incident what had happened at the Amarillo Town Club. You see, one day a couple of lesbians marched up into the club and thought that maybe, hey, you give family discounts, we are a lesbian couple, we can have discount? The Amarillo Town Club is apparently not cool like Planet Fitness, and they said no, you cannot, we say you’re not a family. Read more on Texas GOP Chair Just Don’t Cotton To Them ‘Angry-Looking Homosexual Women’…
  Tossing the Lord's apples

Christian College Kids Now Beaning Gay-Lovers With Fruit For Jesus, Are Too Lame, Always Miss

The evangelical Christians are fighting over the gays, everyone! Specifically, they are fighting at ultra-conservative Wheaton College in Illinois, where a simple nice chapel time turned into a fruit-tossing contest. NO THEY DID NOT THROW GAY PEOPLE AT EACH OTHER, you should not be calling gays “fruits,” anyway, you dicks, did you learn nothing at liberal indoctrination camp? Read more on Christian College Kids Now Beaning Gay-Lovers With Fruit For Jesus, Are Too Lame, Always Miss…
  I done jitterbugged my way into a pile of Ay-rab men

America’s BFF Saudi Arabia Says Dancing Makes You Gay, Which Is Obvious Science Fact

Our bestest friend Saudi Arabia knows what is up. While the religious freedom American Jesus people are still stuck in the past, saying that your mother made you gay because she was too nice, or your father made you gay because he worked a lot, or your priest made you gay because obvious, the morality police of Saudi Arabia are fully aware that the Gateway Drug to the Gay is DANCING: Read more on America’s BFF Saudi Arabia Says Dancing Makes You Gay, Which Is Obvious Science Fact…
  This does NOT mean wingnuts are just like ISIS

ISIS And American Red States Agree: People Aren’t Descended From Some Damn Monkey!

Ha ha ha, sometimes there are Serious News Headlines that just make a person fall into fits of LOL-giggles, and Talking Points Memo has served one up! We were just clicking through our Facebook, or maybe our news reader, we cannot remember, we were drinking, and saw the news that “ISIS Bans Teaching Evolution In Schools.” Extremist terrorist Muslims and wingnut Christians, they are just like us each other! Read more on ISIS And American Red States Agree: People Aren’t Descended From Some Damn Monkey!…
  We Have Always Been At War With Erotic Terror

Rick Santorum Hates Americans For Our Erotic Freedoms

All the probable Republican presidential candidates have been visiting the Steve Deace radio wingnut program lately, in order to explain to Real Americans that people’s fundamentalist religious beliefs will ALWAYS stomp on everybody else’s rights, no matter what, because that is how America works. Deace specifically wants to know if these fine fellers — Santorum, Ted Cruz, Mike Huckabee, all of them — believe that “the sexual revolution trumps the American Revolution,” or if “someone’s erotic liberty trumps your religious liberty.” EROTIC LIBERTY, everyone, GET SOME. Read more on Rick Santorum Hates Americans For Our Erotic Freedoms…
  Teach A Man To Bloviate And He'll Eat For A Lifetime

Bryan Fischer Was Not Fired From Wingnut Central For Saying Any Of The Following

How can we miss you if you won't go away?
When we heard the news last night that Bryan Fischer was fired by the American Patriarchy Association, our first thought was that it couldn’t have happened to a nicer wingnut. Our second thought was that this could be really bad for Yr. Wonkette, as a casual search through the archives shows that Mr. Fischer is a near-endless source of stupid hilarity. And our third thought had something to do with beer, as per usual. Read more on Bryan Fischer Was Not Fired From Wingnut Central For Saying Any Of The Following…
  Your Morning Maddow

Morning Maddow: American Family Association Fires Most Embarrassing Hater Bryan Fischer

this one might be a problem for the GOP
Rachel Maddow had a gen-you-wine old fashioned Big News Scoop in her Wednesday show. The larger story’s a little convoluted, but the really terrific news is right up there in the headline, kids: wingnut preacher Bryan Fischer has been fired from his position as “director of issues analysis” for the American Patriarchy Family Association. Mediaite reports, however, that he will continue to host his radio show for the AFA, so it’s really more of a demotion, we guess. Read more on Morning Maddow: American Family Association Fires Most Embarrassing Hater Bryan Fischer…
  the commentczar's in town

You Are The Opitomy Of A Dumb Ass: 2014’s Greatest (Stupidest) Deleted Comments

He seems festive
In reviewing the year’s achievements in deleted comments, we have to say we were somewhat astonished by just how many of the damned things there were. We went back and read a year’s worth of Dear ShitFerBrains columns at a single go, and we survived! We quickly gave up on the idea of crowning a single Best Worst Deleted Comment, because really, they are all insufferable in their own special way. But oh, there were some highlights. Read more on You Are The Opitomy Of A Dumb Ass: 2014’s Greatest (Stupidest) Deleted Comments…
  Ira We Hardly Knew Ye

Ira Hansen, Your New Favorite Nevada Wingnut, Already Calls It Quits

Goodnight Sweet Dunce
Just after we proclaimed him our favorite new wingnut and looked forward to a 2015 full of brilliantly idiotic quotes and policy positions, Nevada state assemblyman Ira Hansen has announced that he will not become Speaker of the Nevada House of Representatives after all. Read more on Ira Hansen, Your New Favorite Nevada Wingnut, Already Calls It Quits…
  The Far Right Stuff

Incoming Nevada Speaker Ira Hansen Is Your New Favorite Wingnut

Listen: Nevada Republicans are not interested in your “bipartisanship” or your “getting along” or your “logic and facts.” As soon as they took over the state House, they chose as their new Speaker one Ira Hansen, a gentleman who, according to the Reno News & Review, “doesn’t like blacks, gays, Israel, many Republicans, and most Nevadans[.]” Mr. Hansen got a brief mention in Yr Wonkette earlier this year when he explained that the reason Republicans don’t do so well with younger voters is that the GOP needs to be more firmly conservative on traditional marriage, to catch the wave of anti-gay sentiment among young folks. Read more on Incoming Nevada Speaker Ira Hansen Is Your New Favorite Wingnut…
  go to hell

Never Mind, Catholic Church Will Probably Just Keeping Hating Gays Like Always

Nope
Seems like only yesterday we were singing the Catholic Church’s praises for showing the tiniest (the very tiniest) bit of humanity toward The Gay. On Monday, we heard the good word that New Pope and pals were talking about maybe talking about being nicer to The Gay, because maybe they are also people too. A document leaked from their Synod Sleepaway Camp, in which they wrote — shudder! gasp! — that “homosexuals have gifts and qualities to offer the Christian community.” And we said, “Good job, Catholic Church, that’s a nice step forward.” Read more on Never Mind, Catholic Church Will Probably Just Keeping Hating Gays Like Always…
  Loving thy neighbor even if thy neighbor is The Gay

Vatican Might Be A Little Nicer To Gay Homosexuals, Even If They’re Still Going To Hell

WWJD? This probably
Some very strange things are happening at this year’s Vatican Sleepaway Synod — the annual gathering of the Catholic Church’s bishops to decide who’s in and who’s out, and should the gay panic be raised to 11 or 11.7 this year? First, New Pope makes the bishops take sex ed, and now there’s a rumor that maybe, just maybe, the Vatican might be willing to consider discussing the possibility of slightly altering its position on currently hell-destined gay homosexuals. Read more on Vatican Might Be A Little Nicer To Gay Homosexuals, Even If They’re Still Going To Hell…
  Some Men Just Want To Call The World Flat

Sunday Bloody NYT Sunday: Special Tom Friedman Rented ‘Batman’ Edition

Holy nightmare fuel, Batman!
Most of the news today is predictably awful, so we will just skim it, thank you. Good god, you people aren’t actually relying on Yr Wonkette to be informed, are you? It looks like the government of Hong Kong is trying to avoid going all Tienanmen Square on pro-democracy protesters, so that’s a good thing. The federal government is trying to reach out to disaffected Muslim youth in America to prevent them from joining ISIS and other terrorist groups, a task which is made difficult by the fact that the government has done so much to treat American Muslims like pariahs (and American wingnuts keep calling for more). See the treatment of NPR’s Sarah Abdurrahman during a routine crossing from Canada back into the US last year for an example of actions that may be even more likely than AP History to make people hate this government. Read more on Sunday Bloody NYT Sunday: Special Tom Friedman Rented ‘Batman’ Edition…
  Pants Off Hands Full Can't Lose

Catholic League Guy Worried The Gays Just Can’t Resist ‘Bating During St. Patrick’s Day Parade

Everybody get on the Fap Float
Catholic League President and sole known member Bill “I think more about gay sex than any gay person ever has” Donohue has some Very Serious Concerns about the propriety of allowing gay groups to participate in next year’s St. Patrick’s Day parade in New York City. You see, after 25 years, several of the most recent marked by intense eye-rolling and heavy sighs from people who aren’t raving haters, the parade is finally lifting its ban on openly gay marchers. But wait just a danged minute, says Donohue. In an interview with SiriusXM Progressive Radio’s Michelangelo Signorile, Donahue fretted that gays — you know how those gays are — might simply lose control of themselves and start masturbating furiously all over the parade route, as one does sometimes? Read more on Catholic League Guy Worried The Gays Just Can’t Resist ‘Bating During St. Patrick’s Day Parade…
  I Am Mad About A Thing

‘Christian’ College Wants Special Right To Hate The Gays, Keep Its Tax Dollars, Just Like Jesus

Now that the Supreme Court has decided it is constitutionally okey-dokey to refuse to comply with federal law so long as you SINCERELY do not like that law, guess what is happening. It is amazing. You may want to sit down for this because it will completely blow your mind because of how no one could have predicted this would happen. Read more on ‘Christian’ College Wants Special Right To Hate The Gays, Keep Its Tax Dollars, Just Like Jesus…
  the continuing crisis

Wingnut Sexpert Matt Barber: ‘The Left’ Wants To Legally Jizz On Your Children

Wingnut extraordinaire Matt Barber, who writes almost exclusively about how The Gay Agenda is going to kill us all, except for when he explains that feminists are in favor of rape, has discovered another completely new thing about “the Left” and the gays: The real goal of all this legalizing of gay marriage and gay this and gay that is to legalize and promote sex with children, because that’s just how “the Left” rolls. Read more on Wingnut Sexpert Matt Barber: ‘The Left’ Wants To Legally Jizz On Your Children…