According to “Wonkett” bylaws, everything Larry Craig does is 30% funnier by virtue of the fact that it was done by Larry Craig, the winsome bathroom goblin who repeatedly tried to appeal his own guilty plea after he was arrested in a “cruisy toilet” looking for a hot slice of man to get down with. The former senator has opened a consulting firm and has four whole clients! How much would you pay for his professional advice? MORE »

The very scary National Organization for Marriage folks have launched this new initiative, “2 Million For Marriage,” about trolling for hot anal sex on Craigslist. This group is still not considered a parody, for the record. [NOM via TPM]

Sacha Baron Cohen, the guy who played “Borat” in that movie, and also had an HBO show… whatever, you smartasses all know him, and he’s got a new movie coming out soon. It’s about “Bruno,” the gay Austrian TV host character who was also on Ali G. It’ll basically be the same movie as Borat, but instead of making fun of American racists, he makes fun of American homophobes (REAL AMERICANS.) And in one episode, he tries to seduce Dr. Ron Paul, the secret President of the United States on the Internet. MORE »

There are a bunch of these on craigslist, and who knows how many of them are Democratic operatives setting traps. But! If you find yourself in a situation tonight where, ohhh let’s see, you’re having gay sex in the anus with a closeted Republican politician, then please share with tips@wonkette.com and we may write about it on the Internet. [Craigslist]

OK here it goes, so stop sending the e-mails, please, about openly gay mayor Sam Adams of Portland, Oregon going “Full Portland” on a former male intern from his city commissioner days, who may have been 17 for like a day when they met. The HOOOOOT intern’s name is Beau Breedlove, which is hilarious, because he cannot breed. So now they will both go to jail for being gay. [Oregonian]

Ahh, it’s nice to see America’s Lawyer Class bravely challenging the fascist state’s overreach with a devastating reach-around of its own: “An attorney for U.S. Sen. Larry Craig told a Minnesota appeals court Wednesday that the lawmaker should be able to withdraw his guilty plea to a charge stemming from a gay sex sting arrest because there’s not enough evidence he did anything illegal.” Can you imagine being this attorney for U.S. Sen. Larry Craig? Obviously he knows that his client sucks more cock on any given trip to the airport than a large group of evangelical preachers does on a three-week sojourn to Thailand for “missionary work.” And yet there he is, in court today, trying to overturn a minor GUILTY PLEA for a lame-duck gay clown. [Idaho Statesman]

July 17, 2008 — remember it, because it’s the day Barack Obama lost the second black presidency of the United States. Two breaking articles about Obama’s shamefully rigorous workout regime are getting the full Drudge treatment, and folks, this stuff is far more damaging than “Whitey” ever would have been. Here’s the skinny: yesterday, Hopey spent 188 minutes exercising, spread across three separate trips to the gym. This stands as further proof that Barack Obama is not an Average American, because the Average American weighs 750 pounds and spends 188 minutes of the day masturbating to amateur donkey porn on the Internet. MORE »

As a presidential candidate, Mike Huckabee had no money, staff, or knowledge of foreign policy. He did have an economic policy, but it was the Fair Tax, that famously comical pyramid scheme. So how did he get the second most delegates? Metaphors. Extended metaphors. Millions of extended metaphors about key lime pie and yard work and skinning ducks, or other archetypal aspects of the Average American’s daily life. And now that he wants to be John McCain’s vice president, he has a new metaphor to explain the situation: he wants the football captain to ask him to prom, mostly because he wants to wear a pretty dress. MORE »

Barack Obama had… some kind of sex… with this man! With the drugs and the blackness and all of those things that happen. As he says, um, they — [curve that cue card up to the right, thanks] — got in a limo and did some heroi — [oh, coke it was, scratch the heroin line and let's go with coke] — did some cocaine and then had all sorts of gay blowjobs together [will I be more believable if I shave? Meh, let's run with this]. [Youtube]

Huckles appeared on Today this morning (I assume) to explain why he wants to convert the Constitution into the Jesus Novel. It’s great how whenever he’s asked whether homosexuality is a sin, he responds, “Oh we’re all sinners, and now here’s a joke to change the subject!” And that subject always does get changed, even though he’s left us with the logical conundrum that all of our “sinful” tendencies should be banned by Constitutional amendments.

In an interview with Beliefnet, Mike Huckabee says some things that will shock no one:

Well, I don’t think that’s a radical view to say we’re going to affirm marriage. I think the radical view is to say that we’re going to change the definition of marriage so that it can mean two men, two women, a man and three women, a man and a child, a man and animal. Again, once we change the definition, the door is open to change it again. I think the radical position is to make a change in what’s been historic.

After the jump, we try our best to parse this wonky legalese. MORE »