Tag Archives: gay marriage

  Oh lord

Pat Robertson Still Worried You’re Gonna Gay-Bang Your Dog

We figured televangelist scamster Pat Robertson would have been raptured by now, what with the Gaypocalypse and all. But nah, he is making words, still, on the teevee, with his 213-year-old senile talking hole. Sure, they are mostly nonsense words, because of how he is 213 and also senile. That’s why he always has a hapless lady sidekick to explain his answers to the viewing audience at home, like when he says he raced his sports car in the mountains at TWO hundred miles per hour, and the sidekick nervously laughs and says he probably means ONE hundred miles per hour, ha … ha … ha … and holy sweet fucking Jesus, she’s thinking to herself, this job sucks. Read more on Pat Robertson Still Worried You’re Gonna Gay-Bang Your Dog…
  When will the gay terrors cease?

Dead Breitbart Real Upset How Gay Rainbow Flag Murdered Those Marines In Chattanooga

The threat is real.
Ever since June 26, the day which will live in infamy, when the Supreme Court gave America the right gay throatcramming she deserved, wingnuts have been observed in various states of utter, pants-shitting meltdown. And much of it, against the backdrop of the death of the Confederate flag, has centered on the gay rainbow, and how it is lynching the good American Christians, and how the White House did a 9/11 to the world when it was lit up in rainbow colors. Truly we are living in tragic days. Read more on Dead Breitbart Real Upset How Gay Rainbow Flag Murdered Those Marines In Chattanooga…
  bad analogies

NOM Spokesbigot Says It’s Bad For Teachers To Secretly Gas Jews, Be Lesbians

Not qualified to be a teacher.
The National Organization For Marriage (NOM nom nom), you know them, right? Hilariously failed organization that for some reason still exists, even though the Supreme Court crammed gay marriage right up all American bottoms at the end of June, despite all the Hail Mary passes wingnuts tried to throw? Well, apparently NOM’s staff isn’t quite ready to start filling out job applications, probably because they’re not qualified for anything outside the bigot field, so they are still raising money and talking about things. Read more on NOM Spokesbigot Says It’s Bad For Teachers To Secretly Gas Jews, Be Lesbians…
  Take that flag and shove it

Butthurt Missouri County Decides To Stop Being Butthurt, For The Troops

America
Was it really only breakfast o’clock when we told you about these idiot commissioners in Podunksberg, Missouri, who unanimously voted to lower their flag for an entire fucking year to mourn the end of one-dude-on-one-chick-only marriage as we know it? Yup. But the arc of the moral universe, sometimes it’s a speedy motherfucker, and look, it has already bent these schmucks over and grabbed them by the ankles: Read more on Butthurt Missouri County Decides To Stop Being Butthurt, For The Troops…
  Fun facts about Karen Santorum

Rick Santorum Needs You To Know His Wife Used To Shack Up With An Abortionist

The more you know ...
While most political candidates at least like to pretend that it is Not Cool to attack their opponents’ families, Rick Santorum thinks it is not only Totally Cool but also necessary so voters will know what they’re getting themselves into: Read more on Rick Santorum Needs You To Know His Wife Used To Shack Up With An Abortionist…
  Do Paranoids Dream Of Electric Sheeple?

Alex Jones: I’m No Homophobe, It’s Just That UN Is Using Gays To Kill Off Humanity

Like so many movies, most of Jones's ideas are bad adaptations of science fiction
One-man conspiracy theory clearinghouse Alex Jones wants you to know that he doesn’t care what you people are doing in your bedrooms. He thinks that all the foofaraw over same-sex marriage is a mere distraction from the real threats to freedom and liberty, which of course derive from the Power Elites’ plans to exterminate humanity and replace it with a docile race of cyborg slaves, which you would know about already if only you had been paying attention. But there you were again, asleep at the switch, or thinking about Caitlyn Jenner’s funbags. Read more on Alex Jones: I’m No Homophobe, It’s Just That UN Is Using Gays To Kill Off Humanity…
  Here have some news n stuff

Butthurt Missouri County To Spend Year Mourning Gay-Murder Of Marriage

RIP straight marriage
There are sad losers and really sad losers, and then there’s this un-freaking-believably pathetic three-person commission in Dent County, Missouri, who unanimously voted to spend the next 12 months crying like Nancy Kerrigan with a skinned knee because BOO HOO GAY MARRIAGE. To demonstrate their “mourning” for the now-dead sanctity of one closeted man unenthusiastically humping his sexually unsatisfied wife every other Wednesday night with the lights off, the flag in front of the county courthouse will be lowered, until June 2016, to “below half-staff.” OOOOH, SICK BURN! Would be a sicker burn if they decided to turn the flag upside down while they’re at it: Read more on Butthurt Missouri County To Spend Year Mourning Gay-Murder Of Marriage…
  he seems nice

Nice Texas Judge Willing To Homo-Marry You If He Must, As Long As You Know He Hates You

Judge DePiazza
Wow, are bigots still all kinds of butthurt that gay marriage — or, as we call it nowadays, marriage — is The Law? Apparently yes, even though that is SO last month! Some government employees whose jobs require them to issue marriage licenses are up and quitting to avoid gay cooties, which is fine, we will not miss them at all, see ya, goodbye, fuck off. Some are refusing to do their jobs but still want to keep their jobs anyway, which is not how America works, so now they are getting sued for being lawless thugs, HAHAHAHAHAHA fuck off also. And then there’s this guy: Read more on Nice Texas Judge Willing To Homo-Marry You If He Must, As Long As You Know He Hates You…
  In Which We Fact-Check A Sermon

Fox’s Todd Starnes Will Save America With Smoked Pork Butt, Just Like Jesus

Secret admirer, secret admirer!
Fox News anchor, still-living Christian martyr, and legendary urine-drinker Todd Starnes treated the congregation of Abilene Baptist Church in Augusta, Georgia, to one beautiful “sermon” Sunday, with lots of terrifying examples of just how bad Christians have it in America today. Never mind that it was less a sermon than a collection of half-true stories from his dumb book God Less America — Starnes talked about the imminent government crackdown on faith, and that was all he needed to accomplish. Read more on Fox’s Todd Starnes Will Save America With Smoked Pork Butt, Just Like Jesus…
  And he DEFINITELY was not a vegan

Wingnut Fox Pastor: Jesus Wasn’t Some Mexican-Loving, Sunflower Seed-Munching Pussy

Saved by the blood of Tough Guy Jesus.
Sunday’s “Fox & Friends” featured a discussion on illegal immigration (something new and different), and the focus was on churches doing that whole bleeding heart “when I was hungry, you fed me” thing with illegals, as opposed to immediately calling authorities and turning in those damn Messican aliens. And because the network is Fair And Balanced, it called two extremely conservative wingnuts to debate the issue, Dr. Richard Land of the Southern Evangelical Seminary, and Robert Jeffress, pastor of Dallas’s First Baptist megachurch, who’s a real whore when it comes to getting to go on the teevee. Somehow, there was distance between the two, because whereas Land says that when hungry people show up at a church, YOU FEED THEM, Jeffress is pretty sure that Jesus never said anything about feeding the hungry, and besides, he doesn’t want to worship some kind of made-up faggot Jesus like that anyway: Read more on Wingnut Fox Pastor: Jesus Wasn’t Some Mexican-Loving, Sunflower Seed-Munching Pussy…
  Sweet Jesus look at this hot guy

Beached North Carolina Wingnuts Worry Only Gays Will Get Rescued From Drowning Now

Hi lifeguard. My name is Evan. You want to save my life? I'll pretend I'm drowning so it looks legit. Or I can just meet you after your shift and we can make out. Whatever you want
In the wake of the Supreme Court’s Gay Marriage Throat-Cram-A-Thon, wingnuts have had hilarious reactions and stupid reactions and melodramatic reactions, and all of the other reactions that are dumb and bad. But here is one that takes the cake (but not the gay wedding cake; wingnuts are not allowed to be within 50 feet of those). Some people in Carolina Beach, North Carolina, were just out sunning their beached bodies when they saw (oh no!) a rainbow flag flying from one of the lifeguard post of the dashing gentleman pictured above, and immediately knew that meant that only gays would be rescued from drowning on that beach: Read more on Beached North Carolina Wingnuts Worry Only Gays Will Get Rescued From Drowning Now…
  the commentczar's in town

Deleted Comments: Democrats Did The KKK, So Wonkette’s The REAL Racist

Fer one thing, its eyes are just teensy li'l things...
We sure did get a Passel o’ Stupid in reply to our piece suggesting that Memphis should get rid of its big Nathan Bedford Forrest statue (the public one, not the crazy-ass Nashville abomination above, which is on private land), seeing as how the guy was a vicious racist and war criminal. Except really, we mostly just got the same stupid comment, repeated with endless variations, and it looked a little something like these examples from “Angyl Ricardi,” who knows the real source of racism: Read more on Deleted Comments: Democrats Did The KKK, So Wonkette’s The REAL Racist…
  No this is a DIFFERENT dumbass Kentucky county clerk

Gay-Hatin’ Kentucky County Clerk: I’m Only A Dick Because I Love Jesus Too Much

Overcome by the spirit of the Derp.
Wait, didn’t we write this story on Wednesday? Dumbfuck Kentucky county clerk with last name “Davis” hates the gays so much, won’t give marriage licenses, bleeding out from poor man’s stigmata right now? No! It seems that gay-hatin’ Kentucky county clerks what are dicks all have the same last name, so let us introduce you to Casey Davis, who, unlike the last Davis, is a boy. He is the county clerk of Casey County, which is probably helpful to him, so he doesn’t have to go to the trouble of remembering his own name AND the name of where he works, because words is hard. Read more on Gay-Hatin’ Kentucky County Clerk: I’m Only A Dick Because I Love Jesus Too Much…
  Minorities demanding special rights

Here’s Your Video Of An Ignorant Bigot Lady Clerk Denying Gays A Marriage License For Jesus

My name is Kim and I'm a total dick, how may be of no help to you today?
Kim Davis is one of those county clerks who thinks that her personal relationship with a bigot version of Jesus that never existed gives her a hall pass from doing her fucking job, which, among other things, is issuing marriage licenses to the couples of Rowan County, Kentucky. Yes, EVEN the gay ones. Davis thinks that if that’s the case, she’ll just stop doing marriage licenses altogether, even though that’s — again — HER FUCKING JOB. So the ACLU is suing her ass right and good, on behalf of four couples in the county who have tried and failed to get marriage licenses. Oh, and they’re not all gay couples, either; half of them (that’s two of the couples, for you D-U-Capital-M’s out there) are opposite-sexing couples! Read more on Here’s Your Video Of An Ignorant Bigot Lady Clerk Denying Gays A Marriage License For Jesus…
  Still Frothy After All These Years

Rick Santorum Takes Victory Lap Now That Supreme Court Allows Man-Dog Marriages

She's happy to be his bitch
Walking Google joke Rick Santorum took a weird victory lap in Colorado last month when the Supreme Court crammed marriage equality down America’s throat, explaining that he had been totally right in 2003 when he predicted that striking down sodomy laws would eventually destroy every family ever and legitimize man on dog relationships. Read more on Rick Santorum Takes Victory Lap Now That Supreme Court Allows Man-Dog Marriages…