Tag Archives: gay marriage

  All the tears

South Carolina Senator Cries Hilarious Man-Sobs For Confederate Flag Bested By Gayness

It was thiiiiis big!
The South Carolina Senate voted Tuesday to remove the Confederate Flag from the state Capitol grounds, sending the bill to the state House, and hopefully, eventually, to Gov. Nikki Haley’s desk. This is very bothersome for state Sen. Lee Bright (R-No Shit), who just doesn’t see why we’re spending all this time talking about the Confederate Flag, not when the FLAG OF GAY HOMOSEXUAL ABOMINATION is currently flying over the ENTIRETY OF AMERICA. Bright, who is Ted Cruz’s campaign co-chair for South Carolina (obviously), melted all the way down into a pile of shouty Southern fire and brimstone wingnut tears as he explained on the state Senate floor just how much God hates America now: Read more on South Carolina Senator Cries Hilarious Man-Sobs For Confederate Flag Bested By Gayness…
  here's the church here's the steeple open the doors and see all the oy vey

Ted Cruz Will Save Jew Churches From The Homosexuals

King of the Jews
Hey Jewish people, how was your weekend? Did you go to Jew Church and get very upset because you don’t want President Obama to force your Jew Church to do gay weddings? OBVIOUSLY YOU DID. But don’t worry anymore, because when he is president, Ted Cruz will shut all that down and your Jew Church will be safe forever, PRAISE JESUS! Cruz explained his worries to fellow sane person Glenn Beck last Thursday: Read more on Ted Cruz Will Save Jew Churches From The Homosexuals…
  the commentczar's in town

Deleted Comments Of The Week: Was It Over When The Jews Bombed Pearl Harbor?

Hey, Kids, hope you enjoyed both your Fourth of July and your Independence Day, seeing as how this was one of those years where they fall on the same day. Yr Wonkette had a nice day off and hardly blowed up anything at all that didn’t need ‘splodin’. And speaking of “highly Flammable,” we have for you a fine collection of deleted dumbth, starting with some thoughts from a “Dr. Lopez,” who we regret did not specify what his doctorate was in. Dr Lopez was not especially pleased with our piece on the Texas attorney general who issued an amazing public meltdown in the form of a press release following the Supreme Court’s gay marriage ruling. And Dr. Lopez had some thoughts about just what a Big Dummy our Evan Hurst must be — don’t be fooled by his flattery at the beginning! As always, punctuation and spelling are verbatim from original. Read more on Deleted Comments Of The Week: Was It Over When The Jews Bombed Pearl Harbor?…
  How was YOUR dumb week?

Barack Obama’s Terrible, Horrible, Badass, Balls Out Rager Of A Week

Editrix can have Old Handsome Joe Biden, we like Sexy Obama.
Oh look at the White House all BRAGGIN’ and shit. That Nice Time video above was provided to yr Wonkette (and by “provided,” we mean we went to the White House website and copied the embed code) as a way of illustrating how Barack Obama just had one of the most badass weeks of his entire presidency, a week bigger than the best weeks of Sarah Palin’s, Ronald Reagan’s, your mom’s, and Jesus’s presidencies COMBINED. Read more on Barack Obama’s Terrible, Horrible, Badass, Balls Out Rager Of A Week…
  MAYBE an EEOC employer?

HELP WANTED: Tennessee County Clerk’s Office Seeks Non-Bigot Applicants For All Positions

Or the next best thing?
GAY MARRIAGE CREATES JOBS, thanks, Obama! Positions have recently opened up in the clerk’s office in Decatur County, Tennessee. Three former employees, including County Clerk Gwen Pope, recently vacated the premises upon discovering that the entire world had come crashing down upon them, rendering them unable to perform their daily tasks, which consist of paperwork, gossiping with the sheriff about them varmints what got caught over near Bible Hill up to no good, and issuing the occasional marriage license. However, nine unelected black-robed lawyers, none of them from around here, obviously, have decided to overturn the Sincerely Held Desire To Discriminate Religious Beliefs of true God-fearing Jesus-Americans, setting up a situation where Lloyd who is kind of “funny” can march up into the office and demand to marry one of his “friends.” Read more on HELP WANTED: Tennessee County Clerk’s Office Seeks Non-Bigot Applicants For All Positions…
  give a dog a bone

Obama Set To Legalize Dog-On-Boy Rape, Says Clinically Sane Tom DeLay

“This is coming. And it’s coming like a tidal wave.” Tom Delay, the former Speaker Majority Leader of the House of Representatives — really, the national one! — knows a tidal wave of coming when he sees one, and the tidal wave of coming that is coming is this here “secret memo” from the Department of Justice that will legalize “the 12 perversions,” including bestiality, pedophilia, raping little boys, and like nine others, depending on whether “pedophilia” and “little boy rape” are the same perversion or, somehow, different ones. Read more on Obama Set To Legalize Dog-On-Boy Rape, Says Clinically Sane Tom DeLay…
  Peas

Things That Do Not Go In Guacamole

Not in guac you don't.
Bipartisan unity was at last achieved in these United States on Wednesday after the Grey Lady, the paper of record, suggested something so horrifying that every God-fearing, patriotic American recoiled in disgust, fear and also more disgust. The Times suggested that, this 4th Of July weekend, we ought to all be putting PEAS in our guacamole. Read this blasphemous poppycock: Read more on Things That Do Not Go In Guacamole…
  Right in the ear pal

Dear Black Folks, Mike Huckabee Would Like To Be Your White Knight

Fuck you, you fucking fuck
Boy, do we owe Mike Huckabee an apology. While we have, in the past, subtly suggested that Mike Huckabee is a racist piece of fuck, it seems we were wrong. Huckabee loooooooooooves African-Americans and knows the troubles they’ve seen, and he is ready to stand up and fight for their right to not have their real struggles compared to the fake gay kind: Read more on Dear Black Folks, Mike Huckabee Would Like To Be Your White Knight…
  He's almost as good as Michele Bachmann

GOP Congresstwit So Sad SCOTUS Pissed On Graves Of Christian Civil War Heroes

He does history good
Wisconsin’s freshman Republican Rep. Glenn Grothman is fast becoming our favorite numb-nutted wingnut in the House. He’s the one who recently suggested the good people of his district spy on suspicious looking grocery store shoppers, just to make sure those fake welfare queens aren’t buying too many crab legs. He’d already created quite a name for himself as a state senator, with some neat ideas about getting rid of weekends and officially declaring single parents child abusers, and we expect great derptastic things from him during his congressional career. Read more on GOP Congresstwit So Sad SCOTUS Pissed On Graves Of Christian Civil War Heroes…
  The Christians Are Revolting

Jesus-American County Clerks Paralyzed By Gay Cooties

And now this shit
Despite the Supreme Court ordering every single American to get gay married right this second, some Real Good Christians are shouting, “Don’t wanna! Don’t hafta! YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!” Which is rude and also wrong, but that rarely stops bigots from doing that thing they do. Which is why they are inventing loopholes, or outright defying what is now the law of the land, to continue their battle against equality. Read more on Jesus-American County Clerks Paralyzed By Gay Cooties…
  More gay 9/11 coming apparently

Wingnut Terror Alert Level Raised To ‘Hey Gurl!’ After White House Gay Rainbow Display

Just gonna put this here one more time.
On Friday night, after the historic Supreme Court decision where Justice Anthony Kennedy destroyed all heterosexual marriages by letting gays in on the institution, the White House gave us ALL THE FEELS by turning rainbow-colored for the night. The display had been planned for months, which proves President Obama is in the tank for Big Homo, and it was A Good Thing. Indeed, President Obama called it “a moment worth savoring,” even though he had to watch it on teevee, due to presidents are not allowed to play outside after dark. Read more on Wingnut Terror Alert Level Raised To ‘Hey Gurl!’ After White House Gay Rainbow Display…
  Everyone is happy now

BREAKING: Majority Of Americans Like Taking Gay Obamacare Up The Butt

This is America now basically
In case you missed it because you were trapped under something heavy, the Supreme Court crammed healthcare AND marriage equality up and down all of our orifices last week. While you might be 69 kinds of butthurt about the uber-liberal judicial tyranny of some dumb lawyers in robes, your friends and neighbors and your mom and her friends and neighbors and their moms are quite thrilled: Read more on BREAKING: Majority Of Americans Like Taking Gay Obamacare Up The Butt…
  What's Next? Lube Subsidies?

Open Enrollment For Gay Reparations Beginning Soon, According To Anonymous Moron

The gay Nazis are coming for all your moneys!
We’re guessing this one has only a thin hope of joining ACORN and Jade Helm 15 in the Great Big Catalogue of Rightwing Fears, but let’s document the specimen just in case it manages to thrive. Over at Gateway Pundit, Stupidest Guest Blogger on the Internet Kristinn Taylor thinks he may have found evidence of a leftist/media (same thing) plan to start demanding reparations for past discrimination against gays, as carefully documented by a guy who heard a thing from a “national reporter.” It only makes sense, because look how much success The Blacks have had at winning reparations for slavery and Jim Crow! Read more on Open Enrollment For Gay Reparations Beginning Soon, According To Anonymous Moron…
  Fire Island Causes Global Warming

Rick Santorum: Know What Really Makes Sea Levels Rise? Gay Marriage.

Also, we should slash NASA's budget and give it to sidewalk anti-abortion counselors
Pathetic self-parody Rick Santorum took to The Fox and The Friends Sunday to explain how to fix the Supreme Court, after it broke America last week, and make America all better again, and the way to do that is for presidents to stop wasting time talking about fake stuff like “Global Warming” and to instead save the American family from turning all gay. Read more on Rick Santorum: Know What Really Makes Sea Levels Rise? Gay Marriage….
  Not The Least Bit Similar

Bobby Jindal Didn’t Mind Stomping On Freedom When Judge Blocked Interracial Marriage

He seems nice
Louisiana Gov. Bobby Jindal is taking a cue from Texas and has announced that court clerks and other public employees who don’t want to issue gay marriage licenses won’t have to, just as long as an invisible friend in the sky told them they mustn’t. It’s quite the popular view today, although as RightWingWatch points out, Jindal wasn’t nearly so accommodating of freedom of conscience in 2009, when a Louisiana justice of the peace refused to grant a marriage license to an interracial couple. In fact, Jindal was downright hostile to the poor judge’s sincerely held beliefs. Oh, but that was a long time ago, and totally different, because that judge never invoked Jebus (as far as we can tell) so just shut up. Totally different. Read more on Bobby Jindal Didn’t Mind Stomping On Freedom When Judge Blocked Interracial Marriage…
  Even diaper-fetishists have to eat

Whore-Sexing Sen. David Vitter Wiped Away Gay Marriage Tears With Greasy Chick-Fil-A Meat

He's crying because he's hungry.
Friday was a tough day for Louisiana Sen. David Vitter. First, he had to shed his pull-ups and dismount from whatever whore lady was currently being Not His Wife and helping him fulfill his diaper sex fantasies (ALLEGEDLY ALLEGEDLY ALLEGEDLY!), and then he turned on the Google and found out that the Supreme Court had crammed his throat with gay marriage, and he did not like that! The taste of diapers on his tongue did not go well with the taste of sweet same-sex Supreme Court dick, and no matter how much mouthwash he gargled, the bad taste would not go away. “Ptooey!” said he, mimicking the sound humans make when they spit. Also, Sen. Vitter was very hungry. So, due to his sadness, and also because he is a pro-traditional marriage senator whose family values record is ABOVE REPROACH, he decided to go to Chick-Fil-A, because those are his people. At Chick-Fil-A, they hate the gays, and David Vitter hates the gays. At Chick-Fil-A, they have diaper-changing stations in the bathrooms, in case David Vitter needs his diaper changed. Read more on Whore-Sexing Sen. David Vitter Wiped Away Gay Marriage Tears With Greasy Chick-Fil-A Meat…