Tag Archives: gay

  Hide your kids hide your wives

Homosexual Spotted At Michigan Newspaper, May Be Armed With Agenda, Caution Advised!

Don't open the folder or glitter will get fucking everywhere.
God-bothering Michigan state Rep. Gary Glenn, who is also president of the American Family Association of Michigan, has an ALERT and a DRUDGE SIREN and, hopefully, a SHOCK VIDEO, to share with the people who populate the city of Midland:  There is a homosexual, and he is at the newspaper right now, and even worse than that, they have made him the editor! Read more on Homosexual Spotted At Michigan Newspaper, May Be Armed With Agenda, Caution Advised!…
  Sealing Closets Shut

The Pat Robertson-Approved 12 Steps To Not Being Gay

Celebrity demon hunter and professional old nag Pat Robertson has some ideas about what to do about the gay. Surprise: it’s ex-gay rehab! On a recent edition of his teevee show “Christian Persecution Daily,” Pat answered a letter from a distraught mother whose family has been afflicted with demons. Poor “Ann” has suffered one blow after another: first her son came out to her as a gay, and not long after, as an atheist! She’s come to Pat beseeching his sage advice for how she can get him back on the straight and narrow, down on his knees servicing a shirtless Middle Eastern man. Read more on The Pat Robertson-Approved 12 Steps To Not Being Gay…
  Wonksplaining why making gay jokes about Schock IS TOO okay

How We Stopped Worrying And Learned To Love Gay-Baiting Aaron Schock

The internet is abuzz with the resignation of fresh-faced congressbottom Aaron Schock, mired as he has been in allegations of ethics violation after ethics violation after gay ethics violation. We are sure we will find out more in coming weeks about exactly why he resigned now, as things continue to fall out of the closets of his Downton Abbey office, and we will write words about it when that happens. Read more on How We Stopped Worrying And Learned To Love Gay-Baiting Aaron Schock…
  Being this dumb is NOT a choice

Dr. Ben Carson Explains The Science Of Gay, And It Is Prison Sex

Don't argue with science
Brain doctor and conservative heartthrob hero Ben Carson has some real neat ideas on The Gay and how that works (it is all explained by “prison sex”), and you have to take his word for it because he is an actual doctor and A Expert on science stuff. (And prison sex.) Read more on Dr. Ben Carson Explains The Science Of Gay, And It Is Prison Sex…
  writ of mandumbass

Alabama Supreme Court Gonna Halt All Them Homosexual ‘Marriages,’ By God

Apparently Chief Justice Roy Moore and his ‘Bama Supreme Court judge pals, all of whom are clear examples of why judges should not be elected, and all of whom should be fired, would prefer that the United States Supreme Court have to stick its foot ALL THE WAY up their asses on the marriage issue, none of this “just the tip” stuff anymore, that’s not at all what they like. Why? The Alabama Supremes decided Tuesday night to issue a writ of mandumbass mandamus, a complicated legal-like term, which ordered Alabama’s probate judges to stop issuing marriage licenses to gay couples entirely, at least for the time being. Why? Because they found a few little loopholes that will not at all be relevant when SCOTUS finishes them off in June: Read more on Alabama Supreme Court Gonna Halt All Them Homosexual ‘Marriages,’ By God…
  Wonkette stays on top of Aaron Schock

Aaron Schock Hires Nice Lawyers To Fix All His Not-Gay Ethics Violations

Oh, Aaron Schock, we have so missed reporting on you for the last three days or so! But we are back, because things continue to go poorly for you, you dumb, cuddly animal, and we promise we will not leave your side again, as long as you keep doing dumb, cuddly things. Read more on Aaron Schock Hires Nice Lawyers To Fix All His Not-Gay Ethics Violations…
  The state motto is 'equal rights' after all

Wyoming Republican Too Much Of A Dick For Other Wyoming Republicans

The state motto is 'Equal Rights' after all
You have got to be pretty freakin’ awful when even Wyoming Republicans are like, “Dude, over the line!” But that’s exactly what happened to state Rep. Harlan Edmonds of Cheyenne, when he refused to follow the basic “don’t be a dick” rules of the House Labor, Health and Social Services meeting on Friday. The panel was discussing Senate File 115, a bill to amend existing anti-discrimination laws by including “sexual orientation or gender identity” to the list of reasons you cannot be a dick to people. Read more on Wyoming Republican Too Much Of A Dick For Other Wyoming Republicans…
  Because The Gays are the real terrorists

Atlanta Fire Chief Simply Does Not Care For Gay People, Wingnuts Are ON IT

omg, y'all, I cannot even with this
Today in religiously freedoming The Gays, we are hearing about the martyrdom of Atlanta Ex-Fire Chief and Soldier of Our Lord Kelvin Cochran, who was fired either for being a Christian hero for perpetual non-gay straightness, or for being a problem employee with abhorrent views who didn’t follow procedure concerning Atlanta public officials who write books, you decide. Let’s freedomsplore! Last fall, Cochran wrote a book entitled Who Told You That You Were Naked. Someone at ThinkProgress seems to have taken one for the team, hooray, and read parts of it, hopefully aloud to a laughing, jeering audience. Read more on Atlanta Fire Chief Simply Does Not Care For Gay People, Wingnuts Are ON IT…
  Just upset he wasn't invited to the wedding

National Guard Should Shoot Gay Couples In The Face, Politely Requests Homophobe

California nutmuffin Randy Thomasson is getting tired of gays marrying all willy nilly everywhere — like it’s legal or something — so he’s asked that governors across this great land use their state armies to shoot those gay couples, for freedom. Read more on National Guard Should Shoot Gay Couples In The Face, Politely Requests Homophobe…
  the gods are smiling on us

Larry ‘Wide Stance’ Craig Is Back! And Guilty! Again!

Life is full of important lessons. Look both ways before crossing the street. If you are a professional sportsball player, don’t domestic violence a woman on video. Ladies, don’t get raped. And today, we learn a political lesson: If you are a closeted Republican politician soliciting anonymous gay sex in airport bathrooms, you CANNOT use campaign funds to try to reverse your guilty plea. Who knew?!? Read more on Larry ‘Wide Stance’ Craig Is Back! And Guilty! Again!…
  Literally Unbelievable

Louisiana Tea Party Pretty Sure Common Core Makes Kids Gay, Since Fake News Site Said So

There's nothing about Common Core hre, but we like the picture
The Tea Party of Louisiana does not like Common Core, not one darn bit! And on Monday, it issued a deeply disappointed and angry denunciation of Sen. David Vitter for supporting the standards, since the tea partiers had “always thought of Senator Vitter as a friend of Liberty,” but his support for Common Core gives them a sad. All pretty standard Tea Party stuff, until you get to their list of links at the end, so you could educate yourself on just how terrible this Common Core stuff is. The first item on the list is now gone from the Tea Party website, but happily, RightWingWatch grabbed a screenshot: Read more on Louisiana Tea Party Pretty Sure Common Core Makes Kids Gay, Since Fake News Site Said So…
  Doin It And Doin It And Doin It Well

We Heard About The Lamest Orgy Ever In Your PM Happy Links!

Whew! A lot happened this afternoon over at Happy Nice Time People. Mainly, the Internet went INSANE on us for our earlier post, Please Stop Bragging About Your Husband On Facebook. People got so happy about it, and also so mad, all over the Internet! If you haven’t checked it out, you should obviously check it out. But also we heard a hilarious story and then yr Editrix was like, “You need to write that story up and call it ‘The Lamest Orgy'” so we DID, hahahahhahahahaha. Don’t worry, we hid the identities of the humans involved, because we did not know them. Read more on We Heard About The Lamest Orgy Ever In Your PM Happy Links!…
  oops

Rick Perry: ‘I Am A Huge Alcoholic. Therefore, Gays.’

Rick Perry is so smart now with his supersexxxy Clark Kent glasses. (Shut up, yes he is!) He is very intelligent now, and the reason you know he is all intellectual-like is he made an an-al-ogy about how homos puttin’ their wangs in each other’s no-no’s is just like bein’ a alcoholic. Like him! Rick Perry! “I may have the genetic coding that I’m inclined to be an alcoholic, but I have the desire not to do that, and I look at the homosexual issue the same way.” Read more on Rick Perry: ‘I Am A Huge Alcoholic. Therefore, Gays.’…
  the nerve!

Gay Bigots Won’t Stop Being Mad At Sally Kern For Saying They Are All AIDS-Riddled Terrorists

Oklahomans insist on electing something called a Sally Kern, a human-shaped object whose sole and all-consuming function is to fret about the gays and hate the gays, including asserting that the gays are the worstest terrorists alive, worse even than Muslims, along with the more garden variety leads to pedophilia bestiality yadda yadda yadda we’ve come to expect from her kind. But Kern really stands out from the rest of the gay-fearing/gay-hating crowd because of her unceasing willingness to always say the exact same things while also too shilling for her ridiculous book, The Stoning of Sally Kern.If you people love us, you will clicky clicky through that link and buy a copy of that thing and do a book report on the persecution of Sally Kern. So, how is Sally Kern mad about the gays today? Is it because gays are the real haters, for not liking being hated?? YEP! Read more on Gay Bigots Won’t Stop Being Mad At Sally Kern For Saying They Are All AIDS-Riddled Terrorists…
  baby come on give me one more chance

RNC Targets Women & Minorities, And Not Just For Voter Suppression! (Video)

You all remember how the Republicans made a big show after Nobummer’s re-election of learning that maybe putting all their eggs in the ‘angry white man’ basket might not work in modern America? That lasted about 2.8 seconds, until Republicans started, you know, being Republican. But since the report that outlined that sincere push was released a year ago today, the RNC has put out a teevee advertisement proving that they can, indeed, find minorities and women to say they are Republican. Click on the video! Seriously, give it a watch! One guy even speaks Mexican, so we assume Rep. Steve King is checking his calves for illegal cantaloupes right this minute!  Read more on RNC Targets Women & Minorities, And Not Just For Voter Suppression! (Video)…
  dicks

Baby Pesticide, Army Rape, Wife Rape And Slavery: Meet VA Congressional Candidate Dick Black!

Have you met Dick Black? He is a state Senator in Virginia, and he is running for Congress in Loudon County, and he calls emergency birth control “baby pesticide,” which, we are pretty mad we didn’t think of that first, because “baby pesticide” is awesome. He has a few other awesome thoughts floating around that big old giant manbrain of his, great thoughts about slavery, and gays, and spousal rape and army rape. All the rape, really, plus Abraham Lincoln, but we repeat ourselves. Mother Jones has the splainer, and we won’t steal too too much of it, just enough to give you an idea of what kind of greatness Virginia could elect to represent it in the US America House of Representatives: Read more on Baby Pesticide, Army Rape, Wife Rape And Slavery: Meet VA Congressional Candidate Dick Black!…
  not that there's anything wrong with that

What If Aaron Schock Really Is Straight?

Oh, hello! Seems like SOMEBODY had a tenth anniversary celebration for yr Wonkette and forgot to invite me, the other pony, the one you thought had been sent to the glue factory forever. It’s my fault for not dropping by more often; maybe I should! Maybe I will. Nevertheless, I did do some strolling down memory lane this weekend due to the whole “Aaron Schock LOLGAY” story which entertained us all so much on a slow, cold Saturday. After all, it was I, in coordination with your Wonkette, who first outed the delicate yet abtastic congressman nearly three years ago to a not-particularly-startled world. See, that’s what’s so fun about writing for Wonkette: one doesn’t have to take the “high road” like Buzzfeed’s Chris Geidner. (Note to editrix: there’s your new slogan. Wonkette: lower standards than Buzzfeed.) But what if we got it all wrong? What if Aaron Schock really is a straight man merely trapped in a gay man’s fabulous body? What if he went and petulantly locked his Instagram for no reason? What would a typical workweek be like for Totally Straight Aaron Schock? Click “read more” to find out! Read more on What If Aaron Schock Really Is Straight?…
  A Year Of Gay Nice Times

2013: America’s Most Fabulously Gay Year Ever

While there are still a few (like, five) Real Mericans (and most of them are on some stupid teevee show about making duck-sex sounds) who are unaware that is the year 2013 for a few more hours (then it will be 2014, for those of you who have trouble counting, you’re welcome), and they think The Gay AgendaTM is ruining our freedoms and our childrens and making Jesus cry — like, for example, this one lady idiot in San Diego who is warring on the Rose Parade because FOR THE CHILDREN — it turns out that America went totally full-on gay homosexxxxxxican gay this year, and it is FABULOUS. How fabulous? A whole bunch of states legalized gay marriage aka marriage (or had it crammed down their throats by dirty hippie liberal activist judges like Justice Anthony Kennedy): Maryland, California, Delaware, Rhode Island, Minnesota, New Jersey, Hawaii, Illinois, New Mexico, and Utah. Yeah, that’s right. Motherfucking Utah. Yeah. UTAH. And sure, the governor and attorney general of Utah are still scratching their heads — to the tune of $2 million, which broke-ass Utah cannot exactly afford — on how to STOP THE GAY, but so far, they got nothin’. They say they are planning to beg the Supreme Court to save them from the gay, and we are planning to laugh very hard when the Supreme Court tells them no. So welcome aboard the gay train, Utah. In Illinois, the gay marriage aka marriage law does not actually go into effect until June 2014. But a very nice judge who is An Ally ordered the immediate issuance of a marriage license to a lovely couple, one half of which has terminal cancer (sad) and may not have enough time to make it the June 2014 date (still sad), so the judge was all, “Here, you can get gay married RIGHT NOW and mazel tov!” Awwwww (but sad because cancer) but awwwwwww. And speaking of judges … Read more on 2013: America’s Most Fabulously Gay Year Ever…
  jesus and his 12 male friends would never do that

Pat Robertson Saves Caller’s Kids From Lifetime of Subaru Ownership, Comfortable Shoes

Pat Robertson is slowing down; in the old days, he used to turn hurricanes away from the East coast; now, he focuses on more attainable goals, like telling a nice Christian lady to be polite to her lesbian friend, but not to invite her into her home, because you don’t want to run the risk of your kids catching teh ghey, now do you? After all, she might scratch them with one of those AIDS rings that the gays are all using. Crisis averted! Read more on Pat Robertson Saves Caller’s Kids From Lifetime of Subaru Ownership, Comfortable Shoes… Read more on Pat Robertson Saves Caller’s Kids From Lifetime of Subaru Ownership, Comfortable Shoes…
  sweet transvestite

Woman Says CIA Got Coked-Up Murderer Obama Into Elite Prep School, Also Why Are All These Spiders Crawling On Her?

So this guy from the Manning Report — who is apparently not Bob Barr but rather is this actual black racist from the Atlah church in Harlem — has unleashed a STUNNING REPORT on the “mack daddy,” one Barry Soetoro aka B. Barry Bamz, aka the Hitlerest Hitler who ever Gay-Hitlered, and that is via a phone interview with Mia Marie Pope, who grew up on Oahu several years younger than the GREAT PRETENDER HIMSELF. And what does Ms. Pope say? Oh, that when she was 13, 14 years old, during those years, all the neighborhood kids knew Barry Soetoro was stone-cold blowing older white sugardaddies for cocaine to freebase, and also the CIA got him into Punahou, the elite prep school that nobody could get into unless they were really important and/or blowing someone in the CIA. (Our mom was going to go to Punahou, but she never blew anyone in the CIA — THAT WE KNOW OF — and also her dad died and our grandma moved the family to the mainland before she could go to Punahou. Or at least THAT’S WHAT SHE WOULD LIKE YOU TO BELIEVE.) Read more on Woman Says CIA Got Coked-Up Murderer Obama Into Elite Prep School, Also Why Are All These Spiders Crawling On Her?…
  win one for the stripper

Cory Booker Draws Short Straw, Must Serve Minimum One-Year Sentence In U.S. Senate

Well, everyone is saying that there were no winners last night, just because the GOP caused about $24 billion in economic harm so that John Boehner could get more MyFace friends from the Tea Party. Worth it. Well, everyone is WRONG. There was a clear winner last night, and it was the Strippers Union! Per The Hill: Newark Mayor Cory Booker won the New Jersey Senate special election on Wednesday night in an unsurprising finale to a surprisingly contentious race. While most of America was Googling “How To Ship Ted Cruz Back To Canada,” or toasting our Congress for funding the government for a full three months, Cory Booker was taking a break from shoveling snow and rescuing people from burning buildings (OR NOT???) to become New Jersey’s next gay Senator!  Read more on Cory Booker Draws Short Straw, Must Serve Minimum One-Year Sentence In U.S. Senate…