Tag Archives: gawker

  Karma is a hilarious bitch

Looks Like Josh Duggar Wanted To Molest An Adult For Once

Listen, honey, there's something I need to tell you.
Listen, honey, there’s something I need to tell you. We TOLD you people about how that gross Ashley Madison website, where married people go and set up accounts so they can try to have naked affairs with other married people, got hacked. And now the hackers have released that information, and OOH! Guess whose name is in there? Why, if it isn’t the Family Values Fundamentalist Christian Self-Righteous Motherfucker Piece Of Shit Sister-Molester EXTRAORDINAIRE, Joshua Duggar! Read more on Looks Like Josh Duggar Wanted To Molest An Adult For Once…
  Let's gossip about the week's stop stories

A Completely True Story About A Brazilian Pastor And His Holy Peen Milk. Your Weekly Top Ten

Ooh look a kitten.
Hey Wonkers! It is Sunday, and you are probably thinking “ooh I just clicked on this post HARD because I want to know about the Brazilian pastor and his holy peen milk” and we hate to break it to you, but it’s not true. The number two story of the week, FOR SOME REASON, was this thing we wrote in 2013, about a Brazilian pastor and his holy peen sperm milk, which turned out to be fakity fake fake, which NEVER HAPPENS AT WONKETTE. It just happened this one time, in 2013, because we do not speak Brazilianese and hey, nobody is perfect. But SOMEBODY posted it on Facebook this week, or on Tinder, we’re not quite sure, and it got eleventy million page views, so, because this is an honest and ethical top ten list, we are being honest about how it was the number two story of the week. If you are the person who posted it, please come forward so Wonkette can give you a spanking right on your bottom. Read more on A Completely True Story About A Brazilian Pastor And His Holy Peen Milk. Your Weekly Top Ten…
  LOLOL

Loser Dudes Who Harass Ladies Online Are Micropenis Losers In Real Life Too, Says Science

Is this yr Wonkette's secret admirer? MAYBE! XOXOXO
Are you ready for WONKET SCIENCE KORNER? Of course you are, because we are liberals and we love science! Let’s look at the Washington Post to find out what Studies Show today, oh look, Studies Show that if you are a man who is mean to ladies on the Internet, then you are a limp-dicked uneducated LOOOOOOSER lame-ass unwashed mass on the buttocks of America, and you would be sad about that if you weren’t so stupid: Read more on Loser Dudes Who Harass Ladies Online Are Micropenis Losers In Real Life Too, Says Science…
  it's about ethics in gay-men journalism

Looks Like Gawker’s Got Some Job Openings, Y’all

Last week, the media-hijinks website Gawker made a wee oopsy. It posted a story about some guy — literally, just some guy — attempting to step out on his wife with a gay porn star who then tried to blackmail our hero. (It was not, bizarrely enough, an expose of the blackmailer but of the blackmailee.) The Internet responded poorly to the outing of a private person on the word of an extortionist with mental health issues, and after so much outcry, Gawker’s board of directors took the unprecedented step of removing the post from the web. It was long after the horse was out of the boxer briefs, but you do what you can. Now all the top editors are quitting their jobs at Gawker, and also losing their shit! It’s about editorial independence! And the right to out closeted married guys! Read more on Looks Like Gawker’s Got Some Job Openings, Y’all…
  Not the sort of "leaks" these people prefer

If You’re One Of Ashley Madison’s 40 Million Gross Cheating Whores, We Have Bad News

Serves you right!
DELETE YR ACCOUNTS, SHEEPLE. If you are one of the gross pervs who has been gross perving it up on the Ashley Madison website — tagline “Life is short. Have an affair” — your wife or husband or life partner may be about to find out about how gross you are, at which point they will be divorcing you and taking all your money for the rest of your life, because the judge will agree that you are a very bad gross perv cheater. And how will they find out? Because Ashley Madison got hacked, and the hackers took all the info on 40 million people, from the United States and that cute snowy “Canadia” country that sits just to the north, and they are threatening to release it if their demands are not met: Read more on If You’re One Of Ashley Madison’s 40 Million Gross Cheating Whores, We Have Bad News…
  the good old days

Wingnuts Fondly Remember Simpler Time, When Americans Were Too Poor For Buttsex

Fancy a roll in the gay?
Back in my day, you didn’t just HAVE buttsex. You had to work for it, and each time you got it was a special treat. You had to walk uphill to get it, both ways, in the snow, and when you got there, your pecker was simply too frostbitten to get your reward. Ever tried to jam an icicle between a rock and a hard place? It breaks. And that was your pecker. Read more on Wingnuts Fondly Remember Simpler Time, When Americans Were Too Poor For Buttsex…
  helpful hints

An Open Letter To Gawker, From Your Friend Wonkette

Dear Gawker, So, you removed that post. You know, the one about a married man (whose name we will not be mentioning) trying to score some hot gay sex on the sly, away from his wife’s prying eyes — or maybe with her blessing, we don’t know the terms of their marriage, and neither do you. You have said you’re sorry, SORT OF. You SHOULD be sorry, not that your “apologies” really count at this point, since the story is already out there on the internet, even if you’ve removed it, and you’ve likely done immeasurable damage to him and to his family in the last 24 hours. Read more on An Open Letter To Gawker, From Your Friend Wonkette…
  grifters gotta grift floor poopers gotta poop

Chuck C. Johnson Sues Gawker For Defecation Defamation, May Also Have Banged Sheep

Perhaps this should be a crown of thorns for the beleagured soul.
Ginger-haired ass boil Chuck C. Johnson is in the news again, and thank god for some comic relief. Late last week, the chubby-cheeked leprechaun filed suit against Gawker and two of its writers, J.K. Trotter and Greg Howard, over stories published last December on Gawker and Deadspin profiling Johnson and his particular brand of “journalism.” Let us read the complaint and laugh together, again, at this terrible “human.” Read more on Chuck C. Johnson Sues Gawker For Defecation Defamation, May Also Have Banged Sheep…
  I Saw Mommy Choked By Papa Bear

Now Even Court Transcripts Are Lying About How Bill O’Reilly Maybe Beated Up His Wife

News man.
Just a couple days after the story broke of Bill O’Reilly’s alleged abuse of his ex-wife, Maureen McPhilmy, court transcripts have surfaced that appear to support the allegation that Bill O’Reilly assaulted McPhilmy in front of their daughter several years ago. Gawker ran excepts from the transcripts of the child custody trial in which McPhilmy was recently awarded custody of the couple’s two teenaged children. The transcripts cover the testimony of psychologist Larry Cohen, who was assigned by the court to interview all four members of the family: Billo, McPhilmy, and their two kids. Read more on Now Even Court Transcripts Are Lying About How Bill O’Reilly Maybe Beated Up His Wife…
  Killing Credibility

Bill O’Reilly: My Daughter Is A Dirty Liar, I Never Beated Up Her Mom

You'd be surprised how many hits you get for 'Bill O'Reilly angry.' Actually, you wouldn't
Bill O’Reilly would like you all to know he never ever assaulted his ex-wife, Maureen McPhilmy — never happened, not true, no way. Forget that story Monday about him dragging her down a staircase by the neck. Shut up, or he’ll rip off your head and shit down your neck hole. In a statement given to Politico by his attorney, O’Reilly denied everything: Read more on Bill O’Reilly: My Daughter Is A Dirty Liar, I Never Beated Up Her Mom…
  Inconceivable!

We Are Shocked To Learn That Bill O’Reilly Beated Up His Wife, Allegedly

Fuck it, we'll do it domestic abusively!
GUYS! You are not going to believe this, but it’s just possible that Bill O’Reilly, in addition to being a scummy liar who lies and bullies people and is generally the worst person ever, also allegedly assaulted his ex-wife sometime before the couple separated in 2010. O’Reilly and his former spouse, Maureen McPhilmy, have been fighting over custody of the couple’s two minor children; according to Gawker, the judge in the case awarded full custody to McPhilmy three weeks ago. While the court records are sealed, a “source familiar with the facts of the case” told Gawker: Read more on We Are Shocked To Learn That Bill O’Reilly Beated Up His Wife, Allegedly…
  Notorious BDB

NYC Mayor Bill De Blasio Does The Pot Like A Common Jazz Criminal, And The NYPD Is On It

Thanks to the NYPD’s recent unofficial work stoppage, it’s a great time to be a public urinator in New York. Loiterers are going shockingly unticketed and jaywalkers are free to ply their trade with impunity. There is, however, one suspected criminal in the city who’s getting plenty of police attention: Mayor Bill de Blasio. Read more on NYC Mayor Bill De Blasio Does The Pot Like A Common Jazz Criminal, And The NYPD Is On It…
  i saw something nasty in the arroyo

Dead Breitbart Freaks Out Over ‘Muslim Prayer Rug’ Found Near Border, Sheeple See Only A ‘Shirt’

Dead Breitbart’s Little Sisters of Perpetual Fear ran this breathless headline the other day, indisputable proof that al Qaeda terrorists are sneaking through our porous borders™, perhaps disguised as seven-year-old Guatemalan children: Muslim Prayer Rug Found on Arizona Border by Independent American Security Contractors Be afraid! Be very afraid! Because not only are the terrorists sneaking through our porous borders™, they’re also either so clumsy or so brazenly certain that they won’t be caught that they’re casually tossing their discarder prayer rugs in the arroyos of the Sonoran desert in Arizona. Read more on Dead Breitbart Freaks Out Over ‘Muslim Prayer Rug’ Found Near Border, Sheeple See Only A ‘Shirt’…
  wax on! wax off!

Florida Congresscritter Will Now Be Famous For Eating Ear Crud On C-Span

If, like Yr Wonkette, you aren’t from Florida, chances are pretty good that the name and title “Congressman Joe Garcia (D-Florida)” do not instantly make anything spring to mind. We had to go to the Source of All Internet Truth ourselves, and we actually did have a brief moment of recognition near the middle of the piece when we saw that his chief of staff/ campaign manager had pleaded guilty in 2013 to an attempted absentee vote-registration scam in the 2012 primary, which didn’t exactly rise to National Outrage, but did get cited by some wingnuts as an excellent reason for Voter ID laws (which rather misses the “absentee” part). But now, Rep. Garcia has an actual achievement to his name: He is The Guy Who Picked His Ear On C-SPAN And Ate What He Found. God Bless You, Mr. Garcia. Read more on Florida Congresscritter Will Now Be Famous For Eating Ear Crud On C-Span…
  media circus

When Is Gawker Going To Get Out Of Shep Smith’s Pants? We Get It, He’s Gay

Hey Gawker! Hey! Hey! Gawker! Over here! Gawker! Can you maybe do five more investigative pieces on whether or not (haha, jk jk) Shep Smith, our favorite of all Fox News’s catty bitches, is gay? You can? Can you yell him at a party things like ARE YOU HERE BECAUSE YOU’RE ADMITTING YOU ARE GAY? Can you do that like 50 times maybe? Cool. Read more on When Is Gawker Going To Get Out Of Shep Smith’s Pants? We Get It, He’s Gay…