Wonkette

Here’s our pal Barack Obama, saying that the Senate Banking Committee — “which is my committee,” he says — passed some bill about something. Problem is, he’s not actually on the Senate Banking Committee at all. Maybe he meant to say he’s on the SENATE LIARS COMMITTEE where he passed a bill about MAKING SHIT UP. This is significantly more important than John McCain saying the Surge caused things that happened before the Surge. [YouTube]

Here’s a Fox News clip from today of John McCain’s communications director Jill Hazelbaker, a.k.a. “the poor man’s Dana Perino.” She said that Barack Obama is not going to the Middle East to learn anything about the situation On The Ground — a stark contrast to avid listener John McCain, who learned about the two kinds of Muslims during his last trip to the region. MORE »

Yesterday, John McCain made a gaffe that no one cared about: he referred to the Czech Republic as “Czechoslovakia,” which is actually correct, but only if you think time froze in 1992. Does John McCain think this? Because today, for the second day in a row, he referred to that same country as “Czechoslovakia.” It turns out he has been making this same mistake regularly for most of his post-Cold War political career, but since he gives the Journalistic Reporters apple-flavored lollipops on his comfy bus every day, they choose not to write about it. The Main Stream Media’s inability to mention this exact gaffe, in fact, was something George Bush complained about during the 2000 primary season. And look how that turned out for him! MORE »

Ha ha ha, John McCain made an ungodly horrific “joke” yesterday that you’ve probably already noticed. When a reporter asked him about an increase in American cigarette exports to Iran, phunny humorist McCain responded, “Maybe that’s a way of killing them.” It’s amazing because this Very Dark Humor implies that killing innocent civilians is the specific strategy of the United States government re: Iran. Well duh! But still, check out how John McCain’s friends in the Associated Press treated this astonishing gaffe in the write-up: “Cindy McCain’s jab to her husband’s back came a second too late Tuesday to keep him from making a wisecrack about the health impact of Iran’s main import from the United States: cigarettes.” Ooooh golly, that pair, always with the loving give-and-take. He makes his silly wisecracks, she tells him to sit on it! We’re glad that the playful dynamics of their marriage is what we took away from this story. [AP, TPM]

Top McCain strategist Charlie Black — the one who lobbies for Iran — dominated this afternoon’s 2-hour news cycle by saying in an interview with Fortune magazine that if we had a terrorist attack right now, “Certainly it would be a big advantage” for John McCain. This line, of course, meant everyone had to feign shock over an accurate political truth, but voiced thus — that if there were a terrorist attack today, Barack Obama would be behind it, potentially hurting his electoral prospects. MORE »

In his best move as vice president since that time he shot an old man in the face with a shotgun, Dick Cheney joked about West Virginian hillbilly incest today at the National Press Club. And now everyone in West Virginia is pissed beyond belief at the vice president, whose long record of lookin’ out for the little man and his farm now comes into question. MORE »

Once upon a time Bill Clinton was a hip and sassy governor from the exotic state of Arkansas, and he was so cool that he played his saxophone on the rad Arsenio Hall Show. A mere 20 years later he is now that gross uncle at the family reunion who wants to grind with his straw-haired wife to Stevie Ray Vaughan tunes while wearing a leather vest with no shirt underneath. What happened, Bill? Did you change with the times, or did time change you? MORE »

Nobody understands the military and the Middle East like John McCain does, because he invented them. He also invented calculus, and the Cleveland Steamer, and the French poetry form known as the villanelle. But today we will be talking about Sunnis and Shias, which John McCain also invented, back when he was a young pup hanging out with Mohammed. It’s been so long that McCain has forgotten which is which! MORE »

John Walnuts! McCain knows that if you really want to impress today’s jaded youth, it’s best to call them names and threaten to send them off to Iraq: MORE »

The National Journal’s Hotline has posted a video of Joe Biden at his Bidenest, spreading good cheer to all the delightfully-spotted foreheads in his neighborhood:

In thanking a young Indian-American man for the support of his Indian-American group, Sen. Biden touts how Indians are the fastest growing immigrant group in Delaware and says, “You CANNOT go into a 7-11 or a Dunkin Donuts without an Indian accent.”

And it’s not on the video, but we imagine that Joe went on to claim, “I also love that one god of yours, the one with all the arms… the elephant one? What’s his name? Baba Ganoush?” And his sure-to-be successful campaign for the presidency marches onward to the strains of a thousand sitars all playing in unison. MORE »