Wonkette

Littlest candidate John McCain has had a lot of trouble raising money, because Republicans don’t like him and everybody knows he’s going to lose, but he finally had some “good news” today on the money front: Team McCain raised $21.5 million in May, which is the best-ever monthly take for Walnuts … and still only half of Barack Obama’s monthly average of $40 million. [Los Angeles Times]

• OBAMA OPTS OUT OF PUBLIC CAMPAIGN FINANCE SYSTEM: So he is acting like a Hypocrite, but like a Rich Hypocrite who will swamp John McCain with a billion-ad bonanza come fall. [NYT]

Former first lady Hillary Clinton has until the convention in August to get her money back, her goddamn money for Christ’s sake, but how will she do that? The same way she does everything: by lying. Today she sent an e-mail to supporters, asking, “I hope you’ll take a moment to view our online album with some favorite photos from the campaign.” There are like seven mostly terrible photos, and then, of course, the big red CONTRIBUTE button. So basically she asks you to look at photos of her failed, finished campaign, and then to… give her money for it! Done and done. Also, Hilz ends her e-mail with, “I’ll be in touch soon.” Hooray! [Hillary Clinton]

He probably raised the bills just high enough to be out of reach for a 12-year-old Thai slaveboy. Sexistracist. [TwinCities.com]

Hillary Clinton’s campaign has acknowledged that it is $20 million in debt. Who cares? That’s about a fifth of the money she and Bill have made in the last seven years, and Barack will help ease some of it when she quits. She can put a few more weeks on her AmEx if she wants to, and she might as well at this point: Let her run out the rest of the primaries, everyone will decide, and the only thing pushing her out will be her old nemesis, Math, finally set-in-stone. And then she’ll sue and take it to the convention where Al Gore will become president, again. [Washington Post]

DON’T PEOPLE HAVE SUBPRIME MORTGAGES TO PAY?: Hillary Clinton’s campaign is somehow en route to raise TEN MILLION SMACKEROONIES between last night’s victory and tonight. [The Page]

While Hillary Clinton has all but lost the nomination, she raised about $20 million in March. John McCain, on the other hand, has already won his nomination and should have the entire Republican base of Fat Cats giving him money, forever. And that brings him to a grand March total of… $15 million. To someone as old as John McCain, that’s like $120 billion in fresh new Confederate scrip! “Hotcakes and fritters for all you trollops,” McCain was overheard saying to his family. [Marc Ambinder]

Because Barack Obama is despised by all America save for a small enclave of leftist weirdos, he raised just $40 million in March while John McCain was overseas fighting for Freedom. So far in 2008, Obama has raised $134 million. Why won’t doomed presidential candidate Obama step aside and spend his hundreds of millions of dollars on useful things, such as cigarettes and bowling lessons? [Washington Post]

Now that it’s April 1, we can all start wondering how much $$$ each campaign raised in March, and then compare it to our own meager Sub-prime earnings. While neither campaign has released figures yet, Obama’s total is “heard” to be around $40 million (compared to $55 million last month) and Hillary’s is “supposed” to be around $20 million (compared to $35 million). In other words, Americans have spent around $55 million in the last two months to fund Hillary’s meaningless daily psychobabble and $95 million for Barack to prove he’s a slappy little fairy. We deserve the Great Depression II. [Marc Ambinder]

The public been duped again by America’s Prince, Barack Obama. You know how he likes to talk about how John F. Kennedy is secretly his father, because Kennedy bankrolled Barack Obama Sr.’s trip to the United States and personally introduced the young Kenyan economist to lovely Ann Dunham? All lies! MORE »

Here’s the promo for “Dinner with Barack,” the fundraising ploy that many of you keep receiving lurid e-mails from campaign manager David Plouffe about. He has already done one of these group sex dinner-date things before, as this video shows. One lady is so poor that she can’t afford “food,” so thank you Barack. Another lady can afford college because of a thing called the “Hope Program” (not even joking). Then Barack claims that he is a Normal Person because he snores while sleeping with his wife, in Heaven. [YouTube]

Mitt Romney joined his “successful” nemesis John McCain on the campaign trail yesterday, and they raised some cash from Mormon Fat Cats and other mountain men in Denver and Salt Lake City. They even rode together on John McCain’s stupid little plane. But Mitt wants to be McCain’s vice president, and McCain wants to woo the “Romney Wing” of the Republican party — Space Elves — so they had to play it nice for the cameramen. Look at how gay they were with each other yesterday, ha ha! The full gay photo tour, after the jump. MORE »

Things are looking pretty rough in Republican fundraising circles these days…except for an elite group of operatives who accept campaign contributions in the only denomination that still holds its value in the global market: human feces. MORE »

America’s most believed ex-presidential candidate, Mittens “Mitt” Romney, is joining Maverick candidate John McCain on a fundraising tour through the “mountain west,” starting today. They hate each after a brutal campaign where each lied and smeared the other to no end, although John McCain is, again, a Maverick, and Mittens wants to be his vice president. MORE »