Wonkette

No, alas, this isn’t the much-anticipated “Whitey” tape where George Bush sits in an Afghan cave with Louis Farrakhan spewing racist garbage. (That’ll be out next week.) A newly surfaced video shows our president making some jokes at a recent fundraiser for Pete Olson. Who’s that, you ask? Olson is the Texas Republican who beat Shelley “Dracula Cunt” Sekula Gibbs in a hard-fought primary, thereby strangling in its crib one of the most glorious political ascensions since … well, the last incompetent fraud from Texas. MORE »

Down is up, up is down, and two plus two is five. In other news, Hillary Clinton had people rolling on the floor of the Hilton ballroom in New York City as she gave a brief, entertaining speech, while Barack Obama gave a “more sedate and lengthy” address full of boring policy crap. Oh God oh God oh God the world has gone MAD, those 18 million voters were right after all and Barack Obama is Nixon in a pantsuit. MORE »

Last night, Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama, and a couple hundred of their wealthiest friends gathered at the beautiful Mayflower Hotel in Washington to talk about how Hillary could be pope if she wanted to, but she doesn’t, and instead she will serve the nation by collecting money to retire her gigundous campaign debt. MORE »

America, Hillary Clinton needs your help. In a new video released from her underground bunker in Chappaqua, she talks about how awesome it was to meet you all in rope lines. Meanwhile, a big red CONTRIBUTE button looms nearby. It is like this lady wants money or something. [HillaryClinton.com]

Ever since John McCain pissed all over Mitt Romney in a debate, and even before then, Mormons haven’t taken kindly to the foul-mouthed, unhandsome, twice-married atheist grumpus. So it’s no surprise that McCain might get a lukewarm reception at a couple of Utah fundraisers — even when they feature big draws like George Bush and Mitt Romney. Hilarious details about McCain’s Epic Utah Fail, after the jump. MORE »

The mayor of Homewood gave John McCain everything but the “happy ending” when the enfeebled Presidential contender visited this Birmingham suburb on Monday. Even though local elitist Democrats recently had to pay $1700 to rent the city-owned Rosewood Hall, John McCain got it for just $250. OK so he only rented two rooms for a night, whereas the decadent Dems had three rooms for two nights BUT STILL. John McCain also netted the biggest prize of all: the services of free slaves, courtesy of the Homewood Jail! MORE »

Attention spendy Republicans: for just $1000 you can hang out with President Bush at the Connecticut home of evil old war criminal Henry Kissinger next weekend. And for an extra $10,000, you can even get your picture taken with the proud alcoholic bunny-humper who currently runs our nation. MORE »

At an elegant Scranton fundraiser last night, former President Bill Clinton told his wife’s supporters that right at that very moment Hillary was crying tears of joy at the massive piles of greenbacks she’d finally be able to sleep on tonight. “I just went upstairs and called Hillary, and she was in tears when I told her what was going on at Mayor Doherty’s house and how much money Virginia, the mayor and Mrs. (Donna) Doherty have raised here,” he said. MORE »

HELP D.C. KIDS FIGHT EVIL NATIONALS BASEBALL PARK: Positive Nature over at 1017 New Jersey Avenue SE is a place for the poor troubled DC kids to hang out and not be shot and to have Hope. But the baseball industry hate kids with problems, so Positive Nature is being forced out of its nice place because of the crazy new property taxes around the new Nationals Park. You could maybe do something good for a change and help ‘em out. [Positive Nature]

So is anyone gonna delete Norman Hsu’s name from this list of “Hillraisers”? [Hillary For President]

HuffPo’s Glynnis MacNicol has had some bad luck with Senator Barry Hussein. She had a big crush on him, but then she went to a party he threw and was assaulted by the musical stylings of Ben Harper and a very boring stump speech. Then, last night, she went to another party he threw and didn’t even get in. Because the Obama people charged everyone $25 for tickets, overbooked the room, and left everyone standing outside because the hotel was full of the plus-ones and hangers-on of local bigwigs and Tammany Hall bosses. Poor Glynnis’ crush is practically ruined. MORE »

• Heard on the Hill: Democrats are putting grainy photos of Tom DeLay, Michael Brown, and Harriet Myers on reporters’ chairs in the Capitol, thus bugging the hell out of everyone… “Pro-business, tax-cutting conservative Democrats” to form Congressional voting bloc group. Problem: Only four of them, no cool name yet. We suggest “The Republicans.” [Roll Call]

• Reliable Source: Former Defense Secretary Bill Cohen pitched a tv show about the Pentagon called “E-Ring.” Jerry Bruckheimer stole his idea a couple years later… President Bush and Karl Rove hold fundraiser two doors down from Hillary Clinton fundraiser. Neither calls cops on other. [WP]
• Yeas and Nays: Smartass Jeopardy-winning pseudo-celeb Ken Jennings knows what a Wonkette is. When asked what bar the Bush Twins used to frequent, answers “The Cock and Balls.” Examiner editors clean it up… Rep. Ed Markey (D-Mass) throws karaoke fundraiser, somehow neglects to invite us. [Examiner]
• Under the Dome: Rep. Tom Feeney (R-Fla.) calls his opponent crazy, starts website subtitled “A Political and Satirical Website Dedicated to the Tinfoil Tales of Crazy Clint Curtis… The white supremacist guy from that Nation picture still likes George Allen, has Jewish friend. [The Hill]
• Lowdown: Karl Rove is on a protein shake diet. The protein comes from the baby meat. [NYDN]

Wonkette’s favorite acknowledged porn-star-cum-politician, Nevada gubernatorial hopeful Melody “Mimi Miyagi” Damayo, continues to wow potential Silver State voters bored of gambling and whoring. Mimi’s latest stunt: a karaoke and limbo-contest fundraiser. Reports the Las Vegas Review-Journal: MORE »

First-hand report from the GOP President’s Dinner fundraiser the other night: MORE »