Tag Archives: fundraisers

  hush little baby

Red Cross Can’t Tell You How They Spend Your Money Because Then They’d Have To Kill You

Unless you have some philosophical objection to reading any news whatsoever about charities, you are likely aware that the Red Cross is sometimes kinda skeevy with the bazillions of dollars they take in, like when they received giant gobs of 9/11 donations but then decided it was cool if local chapters kept the money instead. You’d think things like that would make them be a little less weirdly evasive about what they do with donations after an enormous disaster like Hurricane Sandy, but you’d be wrong. Right now, the Red Cross is seeking to block disclosure of how they raised and spent that money because they say it’s a trade secret. Read more on Red Cross Can’t Tell You How They Spend Your Money Because Then They’d Have To Kill You…
  all the pretty horses

This Month’s Bake Sale And Topless Car Wash Fundraiser: Help Wonket Buy Doktor Zoom!

Help us buy Doktor Zoom what? A PONY? No. Just help us buy Doktor Zoom. If you, the Wonkers, buy Doktor Zoom for us, we promise to brush him and feed him and walk him every day. Just think about all the things you could make Zoom do if you owned him your very own self. You could tell him to dance, and he would dance! You could yell at him for sammiches, and he would make you sammiches! We figure, on the real, a living wage (in Idaho, lucky us!) and bennies and healthcare nonsense come to a WALLOPING $60 thousand for the year. Do we have $60 thousand? OF COURSE NOT, DON’T BE RIDICULOSE. But it could be ever so much worse. Dok could live in a city with running water and electricity, instead of the wilds of Boise, where we are pretty sure he grows his own root vegetables out back of the privy. Read more on This Month’s Bake Sale And Topless Car Wash Fundraiser: Help Wonket Buy Doktor Zoom!…
  today in murder

Karl Rove To Murder Todd Akin, Maybe

Yesterday Karl Rove met with a group of billionaires in a secret room in Tampa, where he suggested that murdering Todd Akin might be an appropriate means of delivering his party to higher, more Senate-controlling vistas. It’s about time Karl Rove considered this, the murder of Todd Akin. Wasn’t it sort of obvious…? Read more on Karl Rove To Murder Todd Akin, Maybe…
  the cayman islands sound awesome

Romney Campaign Throws Fancy Party on Cayman Island Yacht

“Romney Party Yacht Flies Cayman Islands Flag,” reads the headline! Now that your idiot Wonkette blogger has wasted the last 90 minutes trying to determine with other Twitter people if it’s a Cayman or Bermuda flag — it’s a Brian Ross report, after all — it does in fact appear to be the “other,” more red Cayman flag, a.k.a. the Cayman civil ensign that Cayman boat people put on their Cayman boats. So, to return to where we started: Romney Party Yacht Flies Cayman Islands Flag! The yacht is called Cracker Bay, and that’s not a joke either. Read more on Romney Campaign Throws Fancy Party on Cayman Island Yacht…
  snitches get stitches from obamacare

Obama ‘Basketball’ Fund-Raiser Will Be Full Of Terrible Famous Black Millionaires, Also Hip-Hop, Probably Too

Barack Obama likes basketball, and so will hold a basketball-themed fundraiser. (Presumably he will do other stereotypically black things, like hold a massive rummage sale for his giant stockpile of old Alizé.) The Washington Free Bacon is covering this event by doing the responsible journalism the Lamestream Media won’t, and exposing all of the tall, rich black men who almost certainly have giant equipment … in their spacious homes for practicing basketball. Politico reports that the Obama campaign has announced the “Obama Classic,” a fundraiser starring former and current NBA stars. Those announced to attend include failed baseball player Michael Jordan, “Ewing Theory” namesake Patrick Ewing, and anti-police activist Carmelo Anthony. Hahaha, that’s cute how the greatest basketball player of all time is actually a failed baseball player! And how one of the greatest centers of all time is awful because he couldn’t win a championship with the Knicks, just like pretty much everyone ever! And how Carmelo Anthony is an “activist”! I mean, have you seen him on the court? So lazy. Read more on Obama ‘Basketball’ Fund-Raiser Will Be Full Of Terrible Famous Black Millionaires, Also Hip-Hop, Probably Too…
  more or less

Obama Campaign To Sell Massive Amount of Drugs at ‘The Wire’ Fundraiser

Everyone likes The Wire! You like it, the critics like it, and all white people really just can’t get enough of it. President Obama has called it his favorite show. Well shucks, why not just throw a The Wire-themed fundraiser… on Martha’s Vineyard, with a $500 minimum contribution, keeping with the show’s spirit. Obama won’t be there personally, traipsing about the Vineyard eating cilantro lime shrimp butts with a criminal syndicate, from television. Optics, man. But what about show creator David Simon, who simply does not care for the way that Democrats have kept the War on Drugs going? Read more on Obama Campaign To Sell Massive Amount of Drugs at ‘The Wire’ Fundraiser…
  proud traditions

Dick Cheney To Shoot At Mitt Romney For Fundraising Stunt

Poor Mitt Romney, the sadnesses keep piling atop sadnesses, until all the sadness is drained, and there is nothing. Just a few days ago he was enjoying a lil’ R&R at the actual ancient forest palace that he owns. Riding the boat, competitive nail hammering, all the summer activities that he loves, he was doing. And then things begin to come undone: He has to leave to address a convention of blahs, and they don’t like him. Then Obama and everyone gets all up in his bum about outsourcing, tax returns, Bain, murder. And really, we are surprised at how competently and relentlessly the Obama campaign is managing to nuke Mitt Romney this week. It’s not a fun time for Mittens! And it won’t get any better tonight, when Mittens has to walk a dirt road by his lonesome all the way to a haunted house in Wyoming, where Dick Cheney will be waiting to molest him. Read more on Dick Cheney To Shoot At Mitt Romney For Fundraising Stunt…
  boo-urns etc etc

Jay Carney Insists That The President Wasn’t Being Playfully Booed

We all know that Boston sports fans are a bunch of half-literate swamp turds who make all sorts of furious, guttural moaning sounds whenever you mention the athletic teams they’re supposed to like. So were those boos last night when, at a Boston fundraiser, Obama “thanked” the Red Sox for trading their aging third baseman Kevin Youkilis to the president’s beloved Chicago White Sox? Or were they screaming “YOOOOUUUK,” like cavemen? White House spokesperson Jay Carney, a notorious Masshole, insists that it was all “YOOOOUUUK,” because playful boos at a high-dollar fundraiser would be the worst sort of tragedy. Read more on Jay Carney Insists That The President Wasn’t Being Playfully Booed…
  in mental sickness and in health

Mitt Romney Won’t Cancel Tacky Vegas Vow Renewal With Trump

Mitt Romney has announced that he will not be canceling his hot Las Vegas dinner date fundraiser with washed-up nut sack Donald Trump just because Donald Trump has been having birther “episodes” in the press — this time that he “knows” Barack Obama was born in Kenya — again. What is Romney supposed to do, go around discriminating against mentally ill people? That is not fair. He will just take their money, like any decent person. Read more on Mitt Romney Won’t Cancel Tacky Vegas Vow Renewal With Trump…
  america's mom

Donald Trump Gave Ann Romney A Pretty Horsey Cake

Hey, what’s tackier than constructing a nauseating black-and-gold skyscraper in New York City dedicated to your weenie? Nothing. But check out this children’s cake that sparkly bronze television choad Donald Trump and his wife, Mrs. Wife, gave Ann Romney at the birthday party they threw for her last night. That’s Ann, the Republican nominee for president this year, just cold trottin’ her horse around some stumps. Does Ann Romney have other interests, besides horses and being a Great Mom? Because if she does, no one cares. Read more on Donald Trump Gave Ann Romney A Pretty Horsey Cake…
  pyramid schemes

McCain Throwing Party For Broke Bachmann Just For Something To Do

Despite his glowing endorsement of both Mitt Romney and Mitt’s opponent Barack Obama back in January, John McCain has decided to switch to the other other other team and help out Michele Bachmann, who is broke, by hosting a fundraiser for the ex-never president and current and possible future congressional hologram. McCain will be paid in oysters and champagne, and Jon Huntsman will make a brief appearance to say “Romney is a sack of shit” in Mandarin. It should be fun. We want to go! Read more on McCain Throwing Party For Broke Bachmann Just For Something To Do…
  get drunk before and after

Go Party With RNC Chairman Reince Priebus WEDNESDAY! (UPDATED)

UPDATE: This event is actually on WEDNESDAY, people familiar with the Gregorian calendar inform us. SO, uh, there’s still time! If the funeral you were planning to attend tonight Wednesday has been unexpectedly postponed, won’t you join RNC Chairman Reince Priebus at his 40th Birthday Party/Fundraiser, in the Nation’s Capital? Priebus and buds are holding a “Pints with Reince” event, which looks to be one in a series of events that helpfully misdirect any attempts at correctly pronouncing the Chairman’s name. (Have we been mispronouncing “pints” all this time? Or does “Reince” actually rhyme with “pints?” And how funny is it that Twitter people have figured out “Reince Priebus” minus all the vowels is “RNC PR BS,” in that exact order!) Anyway, if you have $40 burning a hole in your wall safe ($500 if you want actual pints!), you can spend the evening trading bon mots and head lice with Governor Scott Walker, Senator Ron Johnson, and Congressmen Sean Duffy, Paul Ryan, Reid Ribble, Tom Petri, and Jim Sensenbrenner. Dress is “Boat Shoe-Solemn.” [GOP; Facebook] Read more on Go Party With RNC Chairman Reince Priebus WEDNESDAY! (UPDATED)…
  grifter's downfall

Here Is Cranky Sarah Palin In A Muu-Muu Yelling At Olds

Wow. This is a very acerbic Sarah Palin dressed up in a classic batshit old hag “leopard print muu-muu, beehive and spectacles” ensemble as she practically snarls at the retirement home folk who were bussed in to nap through her speech at Disneyworld. (And oh look, she’s standing behind a sign that is exactly one vowel away from a teabagger spelling of the word “ripoff.”) Anyway, Sarah Palin is here to explain between resentful sighs and pauses filled with bitterness that the problem with the Occupy Wall Street movement is, ready for it, that it is just too entitled. Read more on Here Is Cranky Sarah Palin In A Muu-Muu Yelling At Olds…
  happy birthday

On the Ground At Barack Obama’s Birthday/Ramadan Festival

President Obama is celebrating his birthday tonight, with Jennifer Hudson and those treadmill-dancing fellows. He is doing this in Chicago, so your Wonkette decided to give up a perfectly good Wednesday evening to try to go hear Rahm Emanuel yell some swears. This did not happen, and overall it was a very boring street gathering of Poors unable to pay their way inside. But we took pictures anyway, so there you go. Read more on On the Ground At Barack Obama’s Birthday/Ramadan Festival…
  enemies list

Sensitive Obama Bans Reporter Who Took Embarrassing Video of Him

Remember this? Well somebody must have turned very red! And then he got a little angry: White House officials have banished one of the best political reporters in the country from the approved pool of journalists covering presidential visits to the Bay Area for using now-standard multimedia tools to gather the news. Read more on Sensitive Obama Bans Reporter Who Took Embarrassing Video of Him…
  well that's embarrassing

Obama Forced To Listen To People Sing About How Terrible He Is

President Obama held a fundraiser in San Francisco yesterday, and, would you believe it, some people don’t like the fact that he hasn’t honored his campaign promises! Slow-working security guys failed to wrangle a group of protestors at the $5,000 a plate gig, and they were able to complete a protest song. “That was a nice song,” the illegal-prison president responded. Nice in that he will stop violating civil liberties and such? No. Read more on Obama Forced To Listen To People Sing About How Terrible He Is…