Tag Archives: fundraiser

  Arpaio In Your Face

Kickstarter For Joe Arpaio To Crush His Enemies Like Cockroaches They Are

Guy needs a monocle and a Persian cat
The last time we checked in on Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio, he was having a terrible horrible no-good very bad day: He was facing a contempt of court charge for ignoring federal court orders telling him to stop racial profiling, and the judge in his case wasn’t very happy with him because Arpaio had sent a private investigator after the judge’s wife. But now Sheriff Joe is fighting back! He’s sent out an email appealing for help from patriotic conservaloons all over the nation, and he’s also asking for a new judge in his contempt case, because obviously that guy whose wife he investigated is biased. Yes, that’s the sort of logic that makes Joe Arpaio Joe Arpaio. Read more on Kickstarter For Joe Arpaio To Crush His Enemies Like Cockroaches They Are…
  What A Friend We Have In Cheeses

Wonkette Fires Gay For Freedom, Make Us GoFundMe Now

Something must be done about all this nondiscriminating!
Yr Wonkette was pretty impressed by the story of Memories Pizza, the brave little Christian-owned pizzeria in Walkerton, Indiana, which announced it would definitely not cater any gay weddings, no way, not ever. It was a pretty brave stance, considering that there are probably fewer gay weddings featuring pizza than there are sightings of the Loch Ness Monster in Death Valley. Read more on Wonkette Fires Gay For Freedom, Make Us GoFundMe Now…
  Signs And Blunders

Pregnant Stabbing Victim Invites CO Rep. Klingenschmitt To Shove Donation Up His Jesus Hole

You might remember the horrific story about Michelle Wilkins, the pregnant woman in Longmont, Colorado, who was attacked by a deranged woman with a knife, who stabbed her, removed her 7-month-old fetus in an amateur C-section, and then was arrested when she brought the dead fetus to a hospital, claiming she’d miscarried. It was a horrible crime, but to Colorado wingnut preacher, actual member of the Colorado House of Representatives, and alleged human being Gordon Klingenschmitt, it was a pretty obvious sign that God has cursed America for allowing abortion to be legal. Read more on Pregnant Stabbing Victim Invites CO Rep. Klingenschmitt To Shove Donation Up His Jesus Hole…
  the commentczar's in town

Deleted Comments Of The Week: We Are Illiterate Illegal Parasites In Prison. Science Fact!

Haha, 'COORS'
Since Disqus has brought us a bunch of new commenters (Hi! Welcome To The Monkeyhouse! Play nice!), we’d just like to ‘splain why we moderate comments in the first place, instead of allowing unfettered Free Speach: It’s because we are big believers in the First Amendment, which gives us the right to run our little mommyblog/recipe hub/Pony appreciation society however the hell we want to. It’s our parlor, and if we choose not to invite someone in because they’re intent on muddying up the carpet and shitting on the credenza, or even if we don’t like their Gadsden Flag t-shirt, that’s our business. Don’t like it? Do some Free Enterprise and offer the Editrix an obscene amount of money to buy the site so you can change how things work. (We hear she’ll only sell if the staff get some pretty impressive golden parachutes.) Read more on Deleted Comments Of The Week: We Are Illiterate Illegal Parasites In Prison. Science Fact!…
  Imperial Walker

Scott Walker Would Like All The Money For You To Pray With Him, Please

Hey, what do I know?
Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker got re-elected somehow — mandate of heaven, we guess — and he’s putting together plans for a big inaugural hootenanny. Now, in years past, inaugural events in Wisconsin used to also double as fundraisers for charities, like Boys and Girls Clubs or other worthy causes. But that was merely a tradition, and an apparently outmoded one, so with his 2011 inauguration, Walker turned the admission fees for inaugural events into a Scott Walker/Republican Party of Wisconsin fundraiser, which raised quite a bit of campaign cash and not a few eyebrows. So it shouldn’t be too much of a surprise that for 2015, he’s doing the same thing, raising money for a great Wisconsin charity: Scott Walker. Tell us more, Saul Newton of One Wisconsin Now: Read more on Scott Walker Would Like All The Money For You To Pray With Him, Please…
  Bavarian Nazis...I Hate Bavarian Nazis

German Town Punks Neo-Nazis, Raises Funds To Fight Neo-Nazis

Sure, darling, tomorrow is all yours.
We have to admit we love a good caper where the bad guys get burned — that moment at the end of The Sting (spoiler warning for a 1973 movie everyone should’ve seen by the age of 14 anyway) where Robert Shaw realizes that his great big bet is all gone, for instance. We’d like to think that a similar look was on the faces of a bunch of neo-Nazis last weekend when they learned that, by marching to the gravesite of Rudolf Hess in Wunseidel, Germany, they had unwittingly been participating in an anti-Nazi fundraiser for an organization devoted to fight extremism. Nicely played, city of Wunseidel. Read more on German Town Punks Neo-Nazis, Raises Funds To Fight Neo-Nazis…
  Deductible Penis

Sarah Silverman Gets A Peen So She Can Escape The $500,000 Vagina Tax

Peen pointers now available at Office Depot
Here is a video from Sarah Silverman, who has finally figured out how to deal with the wage gap between men and women — just replace her wage-lowering vagina with a value-added penis! And that why she’s off to the surgical center to find a peenor that makes just the right fashion and economic statement (make sure you read the labels on the sample fake peens on the tray): Read more on Sarah Silverman Gets A Peen So She Can Escape The $500,000 Vagina Tax…
  nice time!

Gay City Council Candidate Happy To Tick Off Baptists With ‘Southern Baptist Sissies’ Fundraiser

Dude, your photo's all Batman and stuff
The smiling left-leaning fellow in the photo is Nashville’s John Lasiter (no, the Pixar guy is John Lasseter; pay attention!), the city’s first openly gay candidate for Metro Council. And because he’s a pretty cool guy and doesn’t afraid of anything, he’s doing a somewhat counterintuitive kind of fundraiser in October, featuring a screening of a film by “writer-director-producer Del Shores” called Southern Baptist Sissies, a film adaptation of a 2006 play by Shores. Read more on Gay City Council Candidate Happy To Tick Off Baptists With ‘Southern Baptist Sissies’ Fundraiser…
  derp mcnuggets

McDonalds Fires Mom Who Let Daughter Go To Park By Herself Because Who Wants A Troublemaker?

You want Arbeit Macth Fries with that?
Just because there’s almost no story that couldn’t stand to get a little uglier, McDonalds has gone and fired Debra Harrell, the woman who was arrested last week for letting her 9-year-old daughter go play in a park unattended during Harrell’s shift at McDonalds. (As you recall, a helpful citizen called the police after talking to the girl and finding out she was alone.) The company wouldn’t say why Harrell had been fired, saying that discussing the matter would be “inappropriate.” Why, yes, you may wish to spit McMuffin chunks at your computer monitor now. Read more on McDonalds Fires Mom Who Let Daughter Go To Park By Herself Because Who Wants A Troublemaker?…
  supreme court rules sneeze guard must be removed

Portland Ice Cream Parlor Sells ‘Bortion-Flavored Ice Cream To Benefit Planned Parenthood

The Daily Caller advises us today that a Portland, Oregon, ice cream parlor offended the sensibilities of all good pearl-clutching citizens Thursday by holding a fundraiser for Planned Parenthood, and it even “created a new flavor of the frozen treat to mark the occasion.” Oh no! Now even ice cream has lost its innocence! The parlor, What’s the Scoop, donated 10% of all sales during a three-hour window to Planned Parenthood Advocates of Oregon, Planned Parenthood’s political arm, and featured the “exclusive, limited-edition ROSE CITY REVOLUTION flavor,” according to PPAO’s Facebook page. Rose City is one of Portland, Oregon’s nicknames. That seems pretty mild, really. No Fetus Crunch? No Devil’s Food & Chocolate D&C? Not even a George Tiller Chiller? Seems pretty wimpy to us. But no matter. Whatever the flavor, it’s the amniotic fluid on top that gives it that special kick. Read more on Portland Ice Cream Parlor Sells ‘Bortion-Flavored Ice Cream To Benefit Planned Parenthood…
  sweet carolina

Joe Biden Melts Hearts And Panties In South Carolina

Is our favorite vice president of all time, Old Handsome Joe Biden, guzzling some of those five-hour energy drinks we see advertised everywhere? Because word is he went to a Democratic Party fundraiser in South Carolina on Friday night and tore shit up, son. Probably going to be a mini-Democratic baby boom down in that area in about nine months. Not that OHJB has eyes for anyone except Dr. Jill. It’s just that his raw animal magnetism is such that he can make a lady pregnant with his eyes. He’s that awesome. OHJB was actually in Columbia to deliver the commencement speech at the University of South Carolina but took the time to head to the fundraiser and rally the troops. While there, he gave a speech that attendees described to CNN as “populist” and “Elizabeth Warren-like,” hitting on themes of how the middle class is still struggling economically while corporations are more beholden to their stockholders than their employees. OHJB channeling Liz Warren? Are your panties a total loss yet? Read more on Joe Biden Melts Hearts And Panties In South Carolina…
  the wrong kind of badger

WI Majority Leader Likes To Put His Hands On Ladies’ Boobs or Butts, We Don’t Know Which, Maybe Both (Allegedly)

Hey ladies. You know how the GOP is all wanting you to like them? And not just like them, but like them like them, because of how you are all slutty whoremonsters who vote for Democrats? Well, the Wisconsin State Assembly GOP Majority Leader is seeking to give ‘women’s outreach’ his personal touch. Unfortunately, he did not take the Boehner-approved class on good touch/bad touch, per the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel: Assembly Majority Leader Bill Kramer may resign from his leadership post as soon as Saturday after being accused of sexually harassing at least two women while in Washington, D.C., for a GOP fundraiser. Protip for all GOP officials: don’t take a hands-on approach to give that personal touch to women voters, because Mad Men is a teevee show and not real life anymore.  Read more on WI Majority Leader Likes To Put His Hands On Ladies’ Boobs or Butts, We Don’t Know Which, Maybe Both (Allegedly)…
  just call him sporty obama spice please

Sure, Barack, Your Dream Job Is To Host ‘SportsCenter,’ You Regular Guy, You

Oh, golly Barack, we get it, underneath all the policy wonkiness and stiffness and discomfort, you are just a regular guy, aren’t you? Which is why you’re always soundin’ so perfectly natural when you’re droppin’ your g’s. But sure, when you’re fund-raisin’ in Hollywood and sharing the stage with Disney head Robert Iger, why not throw in a “quip” about your everyday ordinary-guy aspirations? “At least I know what I want to do when I retire … host ESPN SportsCenter’s Top 10 list,” Obama quipped as he turned to Disney’s Robert Iger, whose empire includes ESPN. The highlights countdown can feature everything from major sports to bull fighting to high school basketball. Other than having a good laugh, Iger apparently didn’t respond. “Everyone had a good giggle,” says one person who attended. Read more on Sure, Barack, Your Dream Job Is To Host ‘SportsCenter,’ You Regular Guy, You…
  wonkette confidential

Extra! Extra! Clarence Thomas Was Black Panther Paperboy!

Once a year the Federalist Society has a dinner in Washington DC. It is a dinner for lawyers. This year they promised an appearance by Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas. I wondered what he might have to say as their featured guest; I had seen him a few times while he was at work and he did not seem like a talkative man. Read more on Extra! Extra! Clarence Thomas Was Black Panther Paperboy!…
  we are shocked...shocked!

Solemn Duty Of Killing A Prisoner Rescheduled To Fit Florida A.G. Pam Bondi’s Important Campaign Schedule

Really, there are some days when Yr Wonkette is just tempted to run a headline that says nothing more than “Florida WTF?” but we would then have an awfully hard telling one instance from another, particularly since Florida has more different flavors of WTF than Sarah Palin has varieties of sexy poutface. All of which is to lead into Monday’s fine Sunshine State story: Attorney General Pam Bondi persuaded Gov. Rick Scott to postpone an execution scheduled for tonight because it conflicted with her re-election kick-off reception. We aren’t even sure if there’s anything more to be said beyond that; the thing in itself is such pure political derp that we fear tainting it by going into detail. And yet, we must. Read more on Solemn Duty Of Killing A Prisoner Rescheduled To Fit Florida A.G. Pam Bondi’s Important Campaign Schedule…
  civility watch

Mean Flotus Declines Chance For Heart-To-Heart Chat With Heckler With Lame ‘I’m Talking Here’ Excuse

Angry Black Lady Michelle Obama decided she is just kind of tired of hecklers Tuesday, and told a protester at a private fundraiser in DC that she was not really in the mood to be interrupted. When LGBT activist Ellen Sturtz demanded that President Obama sign an executive order banning discrimination against gays in federal contracting, the FLOTUS seemed unappreciative of the input, according to pool reporter Amanda Terkel: Most notable part of the event was an interruption from a protester about 12 minutes into the 20-minute speech. A pro-LGBT rights individual standing at the front began shouting for an executive order on gay rights. (Pool did not hear exactly what.) “One of the things I don’t do well is this,” replied FLOTUS to loud applause. She left the lectern and moved over to the protester, saying they could “listen to me or you can take the mic, but I’m leaving. You all decide. You have one choice.” Crowd started shouting that they wanted FLOTUS to stay. Conservative blogs were torn on how to report the incident, because on the one hand Michelle Obama is an imperious witch who squelches free speech, but on the other hand they hate LGBT activists too. How to choose, how to choose? Read more on Mean Flotus Declines Chance For Heart-To-Heart Chat With Heckler With Lame ‘I’m Talking Here’ Excuse…
  mitt's time

Mitt Romney: Why Can’t Amercia Be More Like China?

Oh goody, more incriminating audio from a Mitt Romney fundraiser. This one is  from a fundraiser he and his wife attended at the Irvine, California, home of David Horowitz (a different David Horowitz) back in March, and although Mittens didn’t insult half of the nation, he DID say that Obama considers businesspeople “a necessary evil” and his wife said that the president is not a “grown-up.” Also, did you know that China is a better place to do business than the U.S. (which surely has nothing to do with all those young women who are locked into Romney factories at night)? And that Obama wants half of the economy to be “controlled by government”? Well, now you do. Read more on Mitt Romney: Why Can’t Amercia Be More Like China?…
  May All Your Memes Come True

Internet Wants To Buy Old Handsome Joe Biden A Trans Am For Teh Lulz, Charity

You know that one Onion story that’s nearly mandatory in any discussion of the general awesomeness of Old Handsome Joe Biden, right? (Frankly, we doubt we even needed to link to it, but it’s a habit by now.) You probably also know that Biden knows about the meme, and thinks it’s “hilarious,” right? You might even know that Joe Biden is something of a motorhead in real life, and owns a 1967 Corvette that the Secret Service won’t let him drive — “It’s the one thing I hate about this job. I’m serious.” So now, some goofballs from Fark have started a campaign to buy Joe Biden an actual white Trans Am like the one in the Onion piece, for the Lulz. Read more on Internet Wants To Buy Old Handsome Joe Biden A Trans Am For Teh Lulz, Charity…
  two minutes in heaven

Romney Tape Is Missing Two Minutes That Will Probably Lose Obama The Election

Two days after everything changed because Mitt Romney made clear he really, truly does not care for 47% of America, conservative bloggers have finally found the key to saving Romney’s ass from the comments they also think are entirely, completely awesome: there are two minutes missing from the 49 minutes of otherwise unbroken, unedited video, which something something liberal media. David Corn of Mother Jones released the “complete” audio and video of the secretly recorded Mitt Romney speech at a private fundraiser. Yet the complete audio and video is not complete.  There is a gap in the recording immediately after Romney’s now famous discussion of the 47% of voters who don’t pay taxes.  The cut in the audio and video comes while Romney is in mid-sentence, so we actually do not have the full audio of what Romney said on the subject. We must explore…the Mitt Split. Read more on Romney Tape Is Missing Two Minutes That Will Probably Lose Obama The Election…
  first against the wall

Communism Invades Romney Rent Party As Very Important Lady Only As Important As All Others

It was a crushing moment, surely, a black hole of existential despair. How can you be a VIP when everyone is equally VI? What is this, communism? Did they not see her shiny Range Rover? Did they not see her shiny chiffon dress? Did they not hear the money in her voice? Did they not know how far she had come, from the bleak, windswept existence slinging hash at the truck stop, that lifetime ago, before she got her nose and hooters done? Why was she being treated the same as all the other rich people on their way into the Big House? What kind of God would let her simmer in the lane, with no VIP entrance to the Romney rent party, where she had to wait in the same line as everybody else? Read more on Communism Invades Romney Rent Party As Very Important Lady Only As Important As All Others…
  there's always money in the balboa bay club

Mitt Romney Holds Human Fund-Raiser In Lucille Bluth’s Apartment

It is right and proper that Mitt Romney should hold a fund-raiser, to raise human funds, at the Balboa Bay Club in Newport Beach. Nixon and Barry Goldwater holed up here at various points in their paranoid dotages; John Wayne was on its board of governors; you can get a drink at Duke’s, a bar filled with tubby, greasy, monied miscreants and actual hookers. Most importantly, though, OBVIOUSLY: Balboa Bay Club was the longtime home of the perfect amoral, inhuman, vodka-veined and acid-livered Romney voter, Lucille Bluth. Read more on Mitt Romney Holds Human Fund-Raiser In Lucille Bluth’s Apartment…
  sixteen tons

Romney’s New Best Friend: The Dude Who Bragged About Private Jet While His Coal Mine Collapsed

Did you know? Some of Mitt Romney’s best friends own coal mines! Especially the kind that collapse and kill six workers and three (would-be) rescuers after years and years of reports and fines for unsafe work places. (The Mine Safety And Health Administration is tyranny, everyone knows that.) And that is why this coal-magnate dude Bob Murray introduced Mr. Mittens at a recent West Virginia fundraiser for big-money fatcats and hobnobbers! So is Bob Murray kind of a weirdo? Yes! Murray’s behavior during the Crandall Canyon [Utah] recovery effort bewildered many observers and family members: he bragged about his private jet, yelled at those families and decried the notion of global climate change. Read more on Romney’s New Best Friend: The Dude Who Bragged About Private Jet While His Coal Mine Collapsed…