Tag Archives: fundamentalists

  God hates literary experiences

Duke Freshman Snowflake Babies Pretty Sure Mom Said No Reading Books About Lesbians

And this time, they brought Jesus.
And this time, they brought Jesus. Hating on millennial snowflakes and conservative Christian whiners at the same time? SIGN US UP! So here is a story from the 8th-ranked-in-the-nation Duke University, where, IN THEORY, idiots aren’t allowed to study. Every year, Duke picks a book for all the new kiddies to read, as part of the Duke Common Experience Program, which “is designed to give incoming students a shared intellectual experience with other members of their class.” Because “I just finished puberty and I’m really good at beer pong!” is apparently not “intellectual” enough for these snobs, we guess. This year, they chose Fun Home by Alison Bechdel, which Duke describes like so: Read more on Duke Freshman Snowflake Babies Pretty Sure Mom Said No Reading Books About Lesbians…
  This shit again

Republicans Have New Brilliant Idea: What If We Keep Being Mean To Gays Some More?

It's in the Bible.
It’s in the Bible. Just a few weeks ago, we were giving the Republican National Committee a TINY bit of credit for refusing to approve two really bad resolutions about how gays are the real terrorists or something, but now we have to take that credit right back, because surprise, they’re being assholes again. I know, big shocker for a Monday when you’re still hungover from the weekend. You see, the RNC passed a resolution asking Congress to pass this thing called the First Amendment Defense Act (FADA), which doesn’t do dick to defend anybody’s First Amendment rights, but rather, gives conservatives a hall pass in case they want to discriminate against gays: Read more on Republicans Have New Brilliant Idea: What If We Keep Being Mean To Gays Some More?…
  psa

Anna Duggar Should Stop By Her Local Planned Parenthood, And So Should You

STDs are not a laughing matter, you guys. So, the penis of “family values” whore-creeper Josh Duggar has been mysteriously falling into unknown vagina parts lately, and we know they don’t do sex education very good in fundamentalist Christian circles, but there are crotch crickets in those hills, and they can GET YOU. In fact, some crotch crickets might have been living in one of the vaginas Josh Duggar visited on his Ashley Madison American Vagina Tour, and they might have gotten on his peen. They can do that without him even knowing it! They could be like “We are just renting space on this peen, we don’t want to live here, but we WOULD like to live in his wife’s pants!” So lo and behold, the Duggar boy may have taken something gnarly home to his wife, who does NOT DESERVE THAT. Read more on Anna Duggar Should Stop By Her Local Planned Parenthood, And So Should You…
  New martyr same as old martyr

Another Court Tells Another Gay-Hatin’ Baker To Suck A Cake Froster

Probably what this dude's cakes look like.
Probably what this dude’s cakes look like anyway. The Colorado Court of Appeals has given another homophobe cake baker the gift of martyrdom and however many virgins fundamentalist Christian assholes get when they eat dirt and die. Oh no, the judges didn’t LITERALLY kill the baker, they just wrote a real mean ruling what says that Jack Phillips, owner of the Masterpiece Cakeshop in Lakewood, Colorado, did bad discrimination when he refused to put some of his world famous frosting on a gay cake, in a gay way, for a gay-marrying couple, and now he must REPENT! Indeed, all three judges on the panel agreed: Read more on Another Court Tells Another Gay-Hatin’ Baker To Suck A Cake Froster…
  welfare queens

Broke-Ass Duggars Forsaken By Their Lord, Please Send Money

Always with their fucking hands out.
If you’re driving through northwest Arkansas and see some sort of fundamentalist Christian lemonade and prostitution stand on the side of the road advertising two side-hugs for $5, that’s probably the Duggars. They have fallen on hard times, due to how TLC’s advertisers finally decided their already toxic family was toxic in a sexual molestation kind of way. Are they actually poor? We don’t know, it really depends on whether they’ve used the Lord’s reality television income responsibly. They’re panhandling for cash, though, but do NOT give it to them. They’ll only fritter it away on Bibles and hush money, ALLEGEDLY. Read more on Broke-Ass Duggars Forsaken By Their Lord, Please Send Money…
  Find a new job asshole

Mean ACLU Sues Teacher For Trying To Shame Atheist Child Into Heaven

You think you're Doing Unto Others? Really, bitch?
Get out your Teacher Of The Year ballots, we have a nominee to present! Meet Michelle Meyer, who teaches at a public school, Forest Park Elementary in Fort Wayne, Indiana. Her ass is getting sued by the ACLU, and here is why. One day, during recess, a 7-year-old boy named “A.B.” (his name is withheld in the lawsuit) was talking to a classmate, and according to the suit, she asked A.B. if he went to church. He said no, and also he doesn’t believe in God, and this made her cry, probably because, WE ARE GUESSING, her parents are fundamentalist Christian fucks, and she’s a young girl who hasn’t seen enough of the world to know that her parents are raising her to be a holier-than-thou dick. Not her fault. Read more on Mean ACLU Sues Teacher For Trying To Shame Atheist Child Into Heaven…
  Let's Be Honest: It's No 'Manimal'

Here Is The Gay Evolution Kirk Cameron Sexxytime Novelette You Didn’t Know You Needed

that's the devil in your pants
So, a few million years ago — or maybe eight — fundagelical washed-up sitcom star Kirk Cameron made a famously dumb appearance on Nightline in which he explained that he’d be convinced of the reality of evolution if random mutations brought forward a “crocoduck” — a duck that had partly evolved into a crocodile. Cameron also inflicted the truly insufferable movielike visual experience Kirk Cameron’s Saving Christmas on us last year. And now, some smartass who is either Mandy DeSandra (the name on the cover) or Christoph Paul (the name on the title page) has done some relatively intelligent design and written a filthy little erotic satire titled Kirk Cameron & The Crocoduck of Chaos Magick, available on Amazon for just 99 cents (cheap! — and the linky there includes a kickback to Wonkette). Hemant Mehta at The Friendly Atheist thought it was a hoot! Read more on Here Is The Gay Evolution Kirk Cameron Sexxytime Novelette You Didn’t Know You Needed…
  Hell Is For Children

Sundays With The Christianists: Here’s A Delightful Children’s Book About Hell

Just imagine 30 pages of this!
Hey, there, all you sinners, apostates, reprobates, fornicators, sodomites, adulterers, whoremongers, and occasional jaywalkers! Time for another visit to Fundamentalist Land, with an enchanting little book for kids called The Cage: A Young Children’s Guide to the Biblical Teaching on Hell, by one C. Matthew McMahon, Ph.D., Th.D. It’s published by an outfit called “Puritan Publications” out of Tennessee, and is aimed at helping your lovely little child understand that they are headed straight to the Eternal Fires of Hell, and will burn forever unless they are saved by the blood of Christ. We were initially intrigued to see a kid’s book titled The Cage, but extremely disappointed when it turned out to have nothing to do with the pilot episode of Star Trek. It might be the worst kids’ book we’ve ever seen, though it’s got some stiff competition. Read more on Sundays With The Christianists: Here’s A Delightful Children’s Book About Hell…
  Purity Baller

Tuesday With The Christianists: Sex Education To Keep You Purer Than Those Slutty Duggar Children

This image has not been altered in any way. Ick.
As a supplement to Yr Editrix’s Sunday column on the “counseling” recommended by the Duggar family’s homeschooling guru, we thought we’d take a look back at some other homeschooling wisdom regarding sex education for good little Christian children. Throughout all of it runs this weird notion of “purity”: sex is dirty and nasty and sinful except when it’s done by a man and a woman joined together by God, in which case it is a wonderful blessed thing that results in lots of Christian babies. No wonder fundamentalists are all obsessed with who’s putting their naughtybits where. And so we get creepy stuff like “purity balls,” where teen girls go to a prom with their dads and promise to stay virgins until they’re married, and they get all dressed up like Purity Tarts, and there is nothing creepy about it at all. Read more on Tuesday With The Christianists: Sex Education To Keep You Purer Than Those Slutty Duggar Children…
  Pence is highly offended by all your rude comments about Indiana

Everyone Is Laughing At That Poor Dumb Idiot, Indiana Gov. Mike Pence

The Indianapolis Star‘s Tuesday edition is a bit stunning, in that the entire front page is devoted to an editorial demanding that Indiana lawmakers “FIX THIS NOW.” They are of course referring to the Fuck The Gays law, signed by Indiana Gov. Mike Pence, which has single-handedly sent the state to number one on pretty much everyone’s list of “states where I do not wish to find myself stranded.” Read more on Everyone Is Laughing At That Poor Dumb Idiot, Indiana Gov. Mike Pence…
  Tossing the Lord's apples

Christian College Kids Now Beaning Gay-Lovers With Fruit For Jesus, Are Too Lame, Always Miss

The evangelical Christians are fighting over the gays, everyone! Specifically, they are fighting at ultra-conservative Wheaton College in Illinois, where a simple nice chapel time turned into a fruit-tossing contest. NO THEY DID NOT THROW GAY PEOPLE AT EACH OTHER, you should not be calling gays “fruits,” anyway, you dicks, did you learn nothing at liberal indoctrination camp? Read more on Christian College Kids Now Beaning Gay-Lovers With Fruit For Jesus, Are Too Lame, Always Miss…
  Tomorrow Belongs To Him

Sundays With The Christianists: How Homeschooling Will Re-Christianize America

There'd be lots of good jobs for women, too!
Remember the anecdote about what Gandhi supposedly said when asked what he thought of Western Civilization? “I think it would be a good idea.” Colorado radio preacher and homeschooling advocate Kevin Swanson has a slightly different answer — he’d say “I think it’s been corrupted by Satan from the very beginning.” This is why people like the Gandhi quote, even if it’s probably apocryphal. But here we are, finally, at the end of Swanson’s e-tirade, Apostate: The Men Who Destroyed the Christian West, which lays out his case that most of what we think of as Western Culture is in fact a grand plot by the Father of Lies to turn Europe and America away from Biblical truth and clean Christian living. In his final chapter, “Gardens in the Ashes,” Swanson presents his vision for how American Christians can begin to rebuild a truly Christian society after the inevitable collapse of secularism. Read more on Sundays With The Christianists: How Homeschooling Will Re-Christianize America…
  all along the watchtowers

Sundays With The Christianists: Their Satanic Majesties Request … MORE COWBELL!

Satan's gang signs -- All the proof you need!
Rightwing radio preacher and homeschooling guru Kevin Swanson is starting to let us down, folks — the penultimate chapter of his e-rant about the inevitable doom of western civilization is just about the laziest attack on the supposedly corrupting influence of popular music that we’ve read in quite a while. He’s devoted most of his e-guide to the cultural apocalypse, Apostate: The Men Who Destroyed the Christian West, to explaining why most of the “great” works of Western philosophy and literature have actually served to debase our civilization and attack Christianity, which leaves his single chapter on popular culture feeling like something of an afterthought, although he certainly bills it as a real barn-burner: Read more on Sundays With The Christianists: Their Satanic Majesties Request … MORE COWBELL!…
  In Derpiest Battle

Sundays With The Christianists: John Steinbeck Invented ‘Bortion, Wrote Evil Books

A movie about a temptress, we guess
Now here’s a surprise: a rightwing Christian rant against John Steinbeck that barely mentions The Grapes of Wrath at all. If nothing else, we can credit wingnut radio preacher and homeschooling “expert” Kevin Swanson with this much: He’s not always predictable. Or at least, while his opinions are completely predictable, the particular topics he chooses to obsess about aren’t necessarily what you’d expect. We’ve reached the end of the literature survey portion of Swanson’s ebook manifesto, Apostate: The Men Who Destroyed the Christian West, although he still has a couple of chapters on modern popular culture for us to slog through in his screed about the decline of Western civilization from a nonexistent Christian norm. Read more on Sundays With The Christianists: John Steinbeck Invented ‘Bortion, Wrote Evil Books…
  The Old Man And The C-Minus

Sundays With The Christianists: Ernest Hemingway Will Lure You To Hell Or Key West

That desk makes us feel better.
Is Ernest Hemingway still a big deal? We guess he’s still a big deal, still in anthologies and literature classes, although his hyper-macho manly creed of manliness makes for pretty easy parody. He’s certainly a big deal to rightwing radio preacher and homeschooling advocate Kevin Swanson, who lets Hemingway carry half the burden of representing all of 20th-century literature in his premature report on the death of Western civilization, Apostate: The Men Who Destroyed the Christian West (the other representative of the century is John Steinbeck, who we’ll get to next week). Read more on Sundays With The Christianists: Ernest Hemingway Will Lure You To Hell Or Key West…
  Mostly True With Some Stretchers

Sundays With The Christianists: Satan Done Wrote ‘Huckleberry Finn’

More proof of his apostacy!
We’re beginning to get the feeling that Kevin Swanson, the Colorado radio preacher and homeschooling advocate, doesn’t like America very much. Just maybe. His ebook Apostate: The Men Who Destroyed the Christian West is mostly a rant about how America would be a much better place if only it were post-Reformation Europe, or at the very least if it were Puritan New England before they allowed in all those Quakers and voted for Dukakis. Mark Twain sits at the top of Swanson’s Public Intellectual Enemies list, because, as Swanson says, Read more on Sundays With The Christianists: Satan Done Wrote ‘Huckleberry Finn’…