Tag Archives: free republic

  What? It's possible!

Sorry Wingnuts, You Will Have To Find A Different Lie About Freddie Gray’s Severed Spine

Freddie Gray mysteriously died from a severed spine after being arrested by Baltimore police on April 12, and while the department has yet to issue its report on how that happened — for now, the official explanation is “dunno, oops, bummer” — it would be irresponsible of conservatives, on Fox News and the interwebs and running for president, not to speculate about all of the possible reasons why Gray is dead, besides that the Baltimore Police Department killed him. Like so: Read more on Sorry Wingnuts, You Will Have To Find A Different Lie About Freddie Gray’s Severed Spine…
  the wizard of voter id

Widows, Please Stop Making The Kansas Secretary Of State Sad With Your Vote-Frauding All The Time

Kansas Secretary of State Kris Kobach is branching out from hating immigrants (he helped draft Arizona’s “papers please” immigration law), and is now touting the virtues of the state’s restrictive voter ID law, which requires people to present their birth certificate or other proof of citizenship in order to register to vote. The measure has left some 19,000 voters disenfranchised, but that’s OK, because they’re just “procrastinators” who wouldn’t get their butts in gear and verify they deserve to vote, is all. And now, Kobach is pushing another good reason to make voter ID laws as restrictive as possible: imaginary voter fraud by widows, who apparently are addicted to voting for their dead husbands. Read more on Widows, Please Stop Making The Kansas Secretary Of State Sad With Your Vote-Frauding All The Time…
  luntzing it up

Free Republic Deep Thinkers Too Smart For Hillary’s Leftist Mind-Control Agents

OMG guise! They are on to us! A post by “Chickensoup” on Free Republic today has uncovered the ugly truth! Leftists like to control the vocabulary and the discourse. Leftists have decided to amputate the word Clinton from the name of Hillary Clinton, wife of Bill Clinton, our former president. No self-respecting conservative should EVER use the name Hillary without the mandatory last name, Clinton. She carries all the baggage that the name Hillary Clinton provides. Do not be manipulated by leftists, use her whole name. If headline space is an issue I recommend: Mrs. Clinton. Damn it all to hell! Our brilliant plan, exposed for all to see! Otherwise, nobody would have ever been reminded who she’s married to! [SFX: gnashing teeth] Read more on Free Republic Deep Thinkers Too Smart For Hillary’s Leftist Mind-Control Agents…
  As If Ruining Jazz Wasn't Enough

White Man Charged With Hate Crime For ‘Knockout Game’-Style Attack, Wingnuts Furious

The ‘knockout game’ is over. OK, it was probably never even a real thing in the sense that it was hard to see how it was any different from getting “snuck” by “some idiot” which has been going on “since forever.” Never mind that. Pretend it was real, and that it was a big deal. Now be relieved, because it’s not cool anymore. White people are doing it now. The knockout game is now pretty much the Macarena. Meet Conrad Allen Barrett, the Kenny G of the knockout game. He allegedly attacked a 79-year-old black man in Texas: Read more on White Man Charged With Hate Crime For ‘Knockout Game’-Style Attack, Wingnuts Furious…
  we were told there would be no math

Separating Fiction From Even Weirder Fiction: A Special Fun Wonkette Quiz About The Weather

Everyone in the online universe has already pointed out that Oklahoma Senator Jim Inhofe (R-Tornado Alley) voted against Hurricane Sandy aid last year but will probably collect sweet sweet government monies for the Oklahoma disaster. (AS WELL HE SHOULD DAMMIT BECAUSE THAT IS WHAT THE GOVERNMENT IS THERE FOR EVEN IF YOUR SENATOR IS A DICK SO SHUT UP ABOUT IT.) We are also perfectly aware that Inhofe is demanding cuts elsewhere in the federal budget to offset any aid Oklahoma might get. These are bad things! We know! But right now we don’t care because what we’d REALLY like to talk about is just how deeply weird Inhofe is about global warming. Indeed, he’s weird enough to often out-freep the Freepers, which is kind of a feat. So, without further adieu, we bring you QUIZ TIME! Sharpen your Number 2 pencils! Sharpen your brains you lazy fuckers! It’s time for WHO SAID IT? Inhofe or Freepers? No fair googling first!! No looking at your neighbor’s paper! Ready? Let’s do the damn thing. Read more on Separating Fiction From Even Weirder Fiction: A Special Fun Wonkette Quiz About The Weather…
  braintrusts

Free Republic Geniuses Would Like To Be Part Of England Again, To Escape Socialism

Oh look, some super-brilliant science nerd at the Free Republic has written an Open Letter to the Queen of Englande! It is full of incontrovertible facts, like how we must rejoin the British Empire, because Barack Obama is socialist. But wait! you are shouting at yourself, while scratching your belly, isn’t the United Kingdom sort of the place that invented “socialist”? Shut up, that’s why! Behold the wit and waggishness, after the jump! Read more on Free Republic Geniuses Would Like To Be Part Of England Again, To Escape Socialism…
  Wingnut Thought Experiments

Freepers Excited About Prospects Of New Civil War, Yet Again

Our friends over at Free Republic do not have a lot of confidence that U.S. America can possibly last much longer, what with all the socialism and the welfare and the fiat money and the welfare and the food stamps, also Obama will take everyone’s guns. Also, welfare. So they are ever vigilant for the first glimmer of a chance to actually refresh the Tree of Liberty with the blood of tyrants, or at least to talk about what they’ll do for sure when SHTF, which they are totally ready for. Heck, their bloodthirsty desire for serious concern about a second Civil War is so deep that FR even uses a “CW2″ tag so readers can keep track of the many posts on the topic. The latest addition to the ouvre is “When The Music Stops — How America’s Cities May Explode In Violence,” by one Matt Bracken, which originally ran on the Western Rifle Shooters Assn. blog. Mr. Bracken is also the author of the “Enemies Foreign And Domestic” trilogy of novels, which is, surprisingly, self-published, and which absolutely does not simply scream “Turner Diaries fanfic.” (Link includes excerpts. Oh boy.) Read more on Freepers Excited About Prospects Of New Civil War, Yet Again…
  Dude Look Like a Lady!

Turk Says Olympics Turning Ladies To Men, Freepers Torn Between Anti-Feminism And Anti-Turkishness

It is a tradition as old as the Olympics itself: Some idiot notices that muscular women and muscular men, being actual members of the same actual species, look somewhat similar to each other, and declares that sports have brought about the “death of femininity.” The misogynist du jour is Turkish columnist Yüksel Aytuğ, who kicked up an online shitstorm with a column titled “Womanhood is Dying at the Olympics,” in which he complained about seeing “Broad-shouldered, flat-chested women with small hips; [they are] totally indistinguishable from men. Their breasts – the symbol of womanhood, motherhood – flattened into stubs as they were seen as mere hindrances to speed.” “I am not even talking about female javelin throwers, shot-put athletes, weightlifters, wrestlers and boxers,” Aytuğ said. “Their appearance is just pathetic.” Aytuğ went on to say that, in distorting the feminine form, sports had perpetrated “violence against women,” and ended the column by suggesting that future Olympics reward competitors with bonus points for looking “feminine” during competitions, adding that “Otherwise we will destroy the grace and naïveté of women through the Olympics.” News of the column prompted outrage among readers worldwide, particularly enlightened Western men who condemned Aytuğ’s provincial sexism and misogyny while noting that they thought that muscular women athletes were totally hot and fuckable as hell. Read more on Turk Says Olympics Turning Ladies To Men, Freepers Torn Between Anti-Feminism And Anti-Turkishness…
  conspiracy wrapped in a double-anusburger

Free Republic Fatties Think Obesity Epidemic Is Fake

The proto-teabaggers at America’s oldest wingnut web forum have carefully considered this whole “obesity epidemic” thing — and they’ve decided it’s all a hoax. If there are so many obese people everywhere, then wouldn’t everybody be fat? Oh, everybody’s fat? Okay then, well riddle them this: If people are fat, and liberal women like Michelle Obama are trying to tell fat people to eat less servings of chicken-fried steak and two-liter bottles of Mountain Dew every day at breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner, dessert and “fourthmeal,” then isn’t it much more likely that people are really obese because of a secret “infectious source” that the government should get out of the way to let government scientists solve, in a medical laboratory somewhere? Join us for a mystical voyage through the logic channels of the Free Republic. Read more on Free Republic Fatties Think Obesity Epidemic Is Fake…
  service journalism

Handy Photo Key For Crazy Oval Office Photoshop

Here’s the latest wacky photoshop going around the wingnut blogs: It’s the Oval Office, but full of hilarious socialist iconography and some old-fashioned racist fun. Can you identify the hundred things added to this image to amuse jobless old white people on their ‘puters? And how many of these things would the confused elderly teabaggers even get? Is this even Political at all, or is it just some dumb 4chan or TF ‘shop, for lulz? WE WILL TELL YOU WE MADE A KEY. Read more on Handy Photo Key For Crazy Oval Office Photoshop…
  overcooked foods are terrifying

Freepers So Angry They Will Burn Toast At You!

The latest “put a food item in the mail to Washington, DC in order to send a strongly worded message to whomever” stunt involves … a cooked bread thing! Note that bread does not appear even once in the Constitution, which is a smear on Ron Paul and our other Founding Fathers. This is why only toast can advance the cause of Freedom Read more on Freepers So Angry They Will Burn Toast At You!…
  america at war with itself

Texas + Military Guy + Shotgun = America 2010

Today’s “U.S. military guy attacks U.S. military base in U.S.A.” story comes from Texas, as usual. Some airman was apprehended just before he shot up a residence building at Sheppard Air Force Base just outside of Wichita Falls. Nothing noteworthy about that, but today’s chapter of Enlisted Men Vs. America features the comical dueling news sources of FreeRepublic.com and Twitter. Read more on Texas + Military Guy + Shotgun = America 2010…
  populamism

THIS SINGLE COMMENT FROM SOME FREE REPUBLIC THREAD DESERVES ITS OWN POST: “reaganaut1,” upon hearing that Barack Obama wants to impose a small tax on banks to recoup bailout funds, warns: “If Wall Street doesn’t grow a pair of nads now, they are forever doomed.” Text “HAITI” to 90999 to help the powerless Wall Street. [Free Republic via No More Mister Nice Blog] Read more on …
  causal relationships

Freepers Are Going To Protest Existence Of Muslims By Boycotting Best Buy

OH woah woah woah, Best Buy has wished Muslims a Happy Eid al-Adha, the Islamic festival of sacrifice during which Muslims are traditionally encouraged to donate to charity?? Uhh nice try. Free Republic will boycott Best Buy now, just cold won’t shop there anymore, maybe it’ll even go out of business, right? And when all those Best Buy employees lose their jobs, terrorism/Muslims will be FINITIO. Read more on Freepers Are Going To Protest Existence Of Muslims By Boycotting Best Buy…
  historic comedy moments

Teabaggers Scared To Death of Being Confused With Negro Protesters

HILARITY: Would-be teabaggers and and other easily duped dingbats are proudly emailing each other wonderful pictures of a million teabaggers crowding the National Mall, but these pictures are actually from the Million Man March of 1997, an event attended by, ahem, colored people. Read more on Teabaggers Scared To Death of Being Confused With Negro Protesters…