Wonkette

Veteran Condiwatchers thought the ridiculous vice presidential rumors were over and done with, but oh no, there was to be one final, glorious flare-up last week to finally burn them to cinders. What else has America’s Princess Diplomat been up to for the last seven days? Well, it all involves paperweights, cutesy baseball references, Jimmy Carter, and torture! Yay! Find out all about it after the jump.

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A week ago today, we bitterly presented the World’s Worst Wonk’d. The “D.C. celebrity sightings” consisted of George Will buying another fucking book at Borders, and a fireman who had once been on local teevee. We demanded that you people get it together, and you got it together! Huzzah for Wonkette Operatives! This week, Fred Thompson, Robert Mueller, Tom Ridge, Juan Williams, Marion Barry, Ben Bernanke, Ken Mehlman, Robert Novak, Dana Milbank, Mark Warner, and David Frum were all spotted being various degrees of famous at various places by our spies and operatives. The most voyeuristic fun ever in Wonkette’s Five Long Years of History, after the jump. MORE »

Grampa Freddy Thompson, the former terrible presidential candidate, has seen his masterful get-rich-quick scheme come full circle — be a small character actor, run for president of the United States for a few months, return as lead A-list Movie Star. He has signed a deal with the William Morris talent agency and, with his new name recognition, will probably be starring in many of this summer’s magnificent blockbusters. Wait, who? [Reuters]

If you played a leading role in disastrous Fred Thompson’s presidential campaign, can you really expect to find employment ever again? Why, you’d be lucky if the U.S. government didn’t deport you to Gitmo for embarrassing America’s good so-so name! One ex-Thompson aide, Sean Hackbarth — the “Co-eCampaign Director” for Grampa Freddy — is finally facing this reality, and it hurts. On his personal blog, Hackbarth posted a shameless, whiny plea under the headline “Job Hunt Continues.” It starts, “After Fred Thompson ended his Presidential run I thought landing a new job wouldn’t be as hard as it has been.” Yes, well, that kind of illogical thinking neatly sums up his current hobo status. MORE »

A SUCCESSFUL CANDIDACY: Have you visited Fred Thompson’s campaign website lately? Probably not, what with how he was the world’s lamest candidate and nobody voted for him and he won nothing and then he woke up and quit. That explains why his website is now blank, except for the word “Success.” [Fred '08]

Thanks to the Young Turks for making the video that will heal America: a retrospective of our dearly departed Republican candidates. God, these guys were fun. Fortunately, Mike Huckabee and Mitt Romney will probably run again in four or eight years, and those candidacies will probably launch in a few months. In the meantime, vote in our poll for which monster you miss the most. MORE »

Nice job, CNN! Indeed, no one heard that Fred Thompson endorsed John McCain on Friday. No one reported this at all, until today. [via TPM]

… almost 3:1 over McCain. But the real story is Alan Keyes, who earned more than twice the votes of Rudy Giuliani and Fred Thompson combined. The Keyes SURGE, it’s finally happening! [Kansas GOP]