Tag Archives: fred thompson

  hot flick picked to click

New Christian Blockbuster ‘Persecuted’ Will Rock Your World, Turn You So Evangelical

We are SO HYPED for this hot new Christian flick, Persecuted. Look at the high-profile cast: Dean Stockwell! Fox’s Gretchen Carlson! Motherfucking Fred Thompson. Bruce Davison aka the guy that turned to goo in the first X-Men movie and didn’t get invited back for the upcoming reboot! BOOM. We are going to be so evangelical by the time this thing is done. Read more on New Christian Blockbuster ‘Persecuted’ Will Rock Your World, Turn You So Evangelical…
  opinionatin'

Fred Thompson Explains How Tax Returns Work: Let’s Say There’s a Guy Watching Pornography…

Dadgum bumblebee-belchin’ hoopdy bumbler mcdoo Fred Thompson, the former Senator who was convinced to “run for president” in 2008 because he drove a pick-up truck, has finally weighed in on the issue of Mitt Romney’s undisclosed tax returns. Writing at National Review, which is trying to reestablish its cred after publishing that editorial a few weeks ago telling Romney to release his returns, the ol’ derper says, shucks, well I says, I says don’t release those taxy money-papers to the presscritters — just ignore those dumblydoodlies; they don’t deserve nothin’ so much in the way of informinatin’ and such like. The whole media sitchee-ation’s a lot like pornography, what with the watchin’, and the frownin’, and the no-goodin’. (Fred Thompson has written a poor column.) Read more on Fred Thompson Explains How Tax Returns Work: Let’s Say There’s a Guy Watching Pornography……
  this article asks many questions

Is Reagan Zombie With Us Right Now?

Because only half the country is still freaking out about the 9/11 Mosk, media outlets have decided to concoct a new and even more terrifying story — this time about Ronald Reagan, and how he has possessed some poor soul and now walks among us. Who is this new Ronald Reagan, and where should we search for him? Maybe the next Ronald Reagan is a child prodigy who plays chess with homeless men in the park? Maybe, but then again, maybe not. Fox News apparently believes that at some point Chris Christie was so hungry for a snack that he just cold ate Ronald Reagan, which means Chris Christie has become Ronald Reagan in a strange sort of way, if you believe in reincarnation and all that mumbo jumbo. And you bet your Ugg boots we do, so … Hooray we found him! Read more on Is Reagan Zombie With Us Right Now?…
  saddamn hussein can't talk anymore

Fred Thompson Knows a Thing Or Two About Speeches!

Oh, Dipshit Magoo! Why would Saddam Hussein give a speech announcing the end of U.S. combat operations in Iraq? That is extremely difficult to fathom. Besides, if Obama really had had his way, Saddam Hussein would be serving on the Supreme Court as the token bearded lesbian. Oh, and the Supreme Court would be renamed “Park 51.” The End. [Twitter] Read more on Fred Thompson Knows a Thing Or Two About Speeches!…
  jesus man jesus man does whatever a jesus can

Why Is America Forcing Rick Santorum To Be Elected President?

Rick Santorum has been in Iowa a lot lately, so obviously he is running for president, but he doesn’t really want to. The people of the United States are FORCING him to, because they just need a President Rick Santorum so badly. “I sort of feel in some respects I’m being pulled along in this,” Santorum said, in what was not, it turns out, an off-color abortion joke. Leave him alone, America! Stop pushing him to be your leader. God will put him in the White House when the time is right. Read more on Why Is America Forcing Rick Santorum To Be Elected President?…
  fred thompson needs his potassium!

Why Did Obama Steal All Of Fred Thompson’s Delicious Bananas?

Dipshit Magoo returns! And this time he is mumbling on about his worst nightmare: Barack Obama will order a CIA coup d’état to depose himself and then the United Fruit Company will take all of our precious bananas! Fred’s second-worst nightmare is that someone might sew his anus shut while he is sleeping. [Twitter] Read more on Why Did Obama Steal All Of Fred Thompson’s Delicious Bananas?…
  wonkette world o' books

The Life and Times of Fred Thompson, Hollywood Hellcat

Lux Interior once sang that “Life is short/ Filled with stuff.” That aphorism might apply to communists and homosexuals, but it hardly describes the long and uncluttered life recounted in Teaching the Pig to Dance by Fred Thompson. Fred Thompson, as you all know, is a Republican Renaissance man. First of all, he’s an important TeeVee and movie actor who has brought a certain basset hound charm to films like Die Hard 2 and The Hunt for Red October. Secondly, he is a master of the Joke-Tweet, an important new genre that has reached an advanced stage of development in our time. And according to this autobiography, he also moonlights as an unsuccessful political figure. So what figures more in Fred’s life: blue-blazered, malarial Washington or sex-ridden, demon-haunted Hollywood? Read more on The Life and Times of Fred Thompson, Hollywood Hellcat…
  fred thompson walks into a bar and shoots everyone

Fred Thompson Has a 10,000-Year-Old Joke For You!

Haw haw, Dipshit Magoo Fred Thompson should be the next comedian-senator and then Al Franken could retire and focus on his art, you know, maybe doodle a portrait of HOW MUCH EVERYONE HATES FRED THOMPSON. [The Hill: Twitter Room] Read more on Fred Thompson Has a 10,000-Year-Old Joke For You!…
  things we see when we watch the price is right

Fred Thompson Wants To Steal the Homes of Seniors

Oh look, senior citizens, here’s your friend Fred Thompson. Do you want to get some extra cash and block your children from inheriting your best and perhaps only real asset? Then listen to this man who was almost the next President Ronald Reagan. He has a hot wife and is standing in front of a green-screen video of a patriotic house! So call now for a free DVD, but ask a neighbor, not your children, to help you get the DVD player working, because they may not like you getting this money so you can go on cruises with your surviving non-bed-ridden friends. Read more on Fred Thompson Wants To Steal the Homes of Seniors…
  Republican infighting

Fred Thompson Says Scott Brown Owes Him Money, for Inspiration

Esteemed man of letters Fred “#ftrs” Thompson drove a Folksy Truck of the People long before Scott Brown ever drove his pants-free pickup all over Taxachusetts, winning votes and ladies’ hearts. So just how come nobody has asked him for his views on Brown’s fancy rip-off truck, you’ve been wondering for so many months now? Well, wonder no more! Read more on Fred Thompson Says Scott Brown Owes Him Money, for Inspiration…
  literature

THE REVIEWS ARE COMING IN, AND FRED THOMPSON’S BOOK IS REALLY OBNOXIOUS: Prominent banking pamphlet The Wall Street Journal has reviewed failed presidential savior Fred Thompson’s stupid book and is just kind of baffled at this asshole. “There are bland tales of ‘schoolboy crimes’ including flinging a water bottle into a window fan to spray the patrons of a cafe in Lawenceburg, Tenn., cafe and accidentally breaking the window instead, and trashing a neighbor’s clubhouse and ripping up his movie posters.” Fine, he can be president in 2012. Also: poignancy: “Just one story comes even close to having a political message. When describing his own fight with cancer, and that of his uncle, Thompson says he has ‘reason to appreciate modern medicine… What kind of a price tag should we put on that? One hopes the answer will continue to be provided by America’s free market.'” Oh shut the fuck up. [WSJ] Read more on …
  oh boy

Fred Thompson’s Book Comes Out Tomorrow!

It is still Memoir Season for all Republicans who had any power or influence whatsoever between 2001 and 2009. Meanwhile, Fred Thompson is also writing a book! It’s about his life as a Real American, and features some authentic, folksy prose from the crack team of unpaid ghostwriters working out of the slave shed at Fred Thompson’s Northern Virginia mansion. As for the title, Teaching the Pig to Dance is at least in the ballpark of what you’d imagine Fred Thompson would drum up, while poopin’ on his golden mansion toilet. Read more on Fred Thompson’s Book Comes Out Tomorrow!…
  dipshit mcgoo

Uncle Country Bear Has Some Country Bear Haw-Haw, For Sharin’ Purposes

Get it? GET IT? Do you understand this joke. See, the other tennis person got good information out of Janet Napolitano after she injured herself, because injuries hurt… and we’ve gotta get the info… outta them terrists. HURTIN’ FOLKS IS FUN. Now go ahead son, slap that knee. [Washington Independent] Read more on Uncle Country Bear Has Some Country Bear Haw-Haw, For Sharin’ Purposes…
  good for him

Fred Thompson Also Likes That Wingnut In NY-23

Have we even posted about the comical NY-23 special congressional election yet? Don’t think so! Fortunately lazy Hollywood dandy Fred “Dipshit McGoo” Thompson, who pretended to run for president once, for about two months, before losing miserably everywhere, has provided us with the perfect on-ramp here. Read more on Fred Thompson Also Likes That Wingnut In NY-23…
  wagg the bog

Chuck Grassley Lost A Limb At Antietam, And Sanjay Insists Anderson Cooper Has The Seven Signs Of The Aporkalypse

In the name of Her Majesty and the Continental Congress! According to some sort of ‘Save Glenn Beck’ online petition, Americans overwhelmingly chose WALMART as the symbol of our great Union! Other popular symbols that didn’t make the cut: a bald eagle clenching a Kenyan birth certificate with its razor-sharp talons, LYNNDIE ENGLAND pointing at at pyramid of naked LOLCATS, and the piano box casket … Read more on Chuck Grassley Lost A Limb At Antietam, And Sanjay Insists Anderson Cooper Has The Seven Signs Of The Aporkalypse…
  dipshit mcgoo

Who Is Fred Thompson And Why Are We Posting This?

The Twitters broke for a while today, or yesterday, who gives a shit, but once things became operational again, fat retarded donkey Fred Thompson was ready with a one-liner. Did you know that Barack Obama now has his SS arresting everyone on the Internet? This is what the Republicans are saying, and we have no reason to doubt it. [Washington Independent] Read more on Who Is Fred Thompson And Why Are We Posting This?…
  wonk'd

Several Republicans Spotted At Coffee Shops Recently

All of the important DC people are at the Fiscal Responsibility Summit, being eaten by lions, so we have rounded up exclusive insider information about famous-for-DC types being spotted in other places, such as glamorous Naples, Florida back in 2006, or in Los Angeles a couple weeks ago. Click the clicky to learn how Fred Thompson once reacted to an inappropriate joke! Read more on Several Republicans Spotted At Coffee Shops Recently…
  overvaluations

ALSO, IT’S IN ANACOSTIA: “FORMER Tennessee Sen. Fred Thompson is cashing in on next month’s inauguration. A source tells us the ex-Republican presidential candidate and part-time actor, who did 142 episodes of ‘Law & Order,’ is offering to rent his luxury one-bedroom condo in Washington, DC, for five days. The price: $30,000. ‘It has a balcony overlooking the inaugural parade route, the Navy Memorial and the US Capitol, and comes with a reserved parking space,’ said our insider.” It also comes with Fred Thompson, who will lecture you about living beyond your means by staying in his condo. [Page Six] Read more on …
  i gets all the munnies

Fred Thompson Hates Everyone

Here’s Fred Thompson, the laziest presidential candidate ever whose entire platform was to chase Mexicans in his red truck and then kick ‘em in the butt, offering for some reason his take on economics, for eight minutes. He raises a number of good points about our economy being founded on bad credit and overconsumption. He does this from his rich mahogany office with a fancy cigar in his mouth. That is all. [RedState] Read more on Fred Thompson Hates Everyone…
  second acts

Hollywood Fred Thompson Shall Return To TV!

Boys and girls, it’s a Thanksgiving miracle — six days early! Our beloved Fred Thompson, the languid, pedicured Southern dandy who made a very sleepy run at the Presidency for about two weeks before returning to his cognacs and backgammon games and expensive Italian colognes, has surfaced again! Even better, he has surfaced to announce his retirement from awful dull vulgar politics. Read more on Hollywood Fred Thompson Shall Return To TV!…
  completely destroyed national parties

Fred Thompson Is President Of GOP.com

We are one week before the election — consider that the next time we have a “Tuesday,” campaigning in the 2007-2008 Presidential Election will be over, our fate thrown into the tabulations of Machines — and the DNC website has the strong lead story, “Watch Obama’s Closing Argument.” The RNC website, conversely, tells you to watch lazy bumbler Fred “Dipshit McGoo” Thompson speak from a fake Oval Office, for two minutes, under the banner of “Straight Talk.” That’s not even Fred Thompson’s fucking slogan! There is just not much confidence coming from the Republican party re: its candidate for president. [GOP.com via MoJo Blog] Read more on Fred Thompson Is President Of GOP.com…
  country bear jamboree

Liveblogging Country Fred Thompson

Old Dipshit Magee is gonna plain tell folks how’s good ol’ folks goin’ figger times ’bout proper we types need set up Mr. & Missus McPalin needin’ not have a colored for preznit. Let’s liveblog this fucking Gucci-clad Washington lobbyist millionaire fraud Hollywood suit. Read more on Liveblogging Country Fred Thompson…