We were watching the footage of Scooter Libby’s court appearance and something struck us: That lady with him! Then we realized she just looked like she was about to hit someone. We asked Fred Becker to make sense of it.

Dear Wonkerstick, MORE »

Talk of a “Cooper d’etat” at CNN has media mavens buzzing. It’s certainly more entertaining than anything actually on the network. Fred Beck agrees.

Dear Wonky-Tonky,
 
Could there possibly be a better reality show than the constant crashing series of car wrecks brought to us by CNN/U.S. President Jon Klein? Who could make you love Aaron Brown? Jon Klein! It’s not just the bad programming Klein endorses that make me want to feed him peat moss. His public comments are so creepy, his self- assurance so supremely misguided and his praise so residue spreading I need handiwipes whenever I read about him.
 
Anderson Cooper is the anti “anchor” Klein tells us. And I tell people I’m humble all the time. Really I am. There are just some compliments that are meant to be said by other people. Klein’s frantic wake-up calls to every media writer about Cooper’s star quality are going to initiate restraining orders. All that heavy breathing.

Fred’s thoughts continue after the jump.

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CNN just announced that Joe Wilson will be on a “special edition” of the “Situation Room” at 7PM tonight. But wait: Wilson was just on. And it’s not like it was a forgettable appearance. He makes Wolf look humble and retiring, what with bragging about his Vanity Fair picture making it into the International Spy Museum and lectures maintaining a sense of humor through the use of “irony.” Here’s some irony, Joe: You know what Scooter Libby should have to do as penance for blowing your wife’s cover? Marry you. We asked Fred Becker why the Dems have such shitty martyrs.

Dear Wonkondowntheline,
Joe Wilson this letter is for you. I know you will read it because you can’t resist anything that contains your name. You must have wicked Google news alerts. Joe, please for the love of God, stop. Please stop talking. Each day you make it clearer and clearer why your wife wanted to send you to Niger.

There must be easier ways for your wife to get you out of the house other than sending you to foreign lands or making you live off of green room canapés. I understand there are a lot of fallen leaves in Washington. Perhaps you could rake them. It gets the blood up and you could tell your banal tales of mystery and intrigue to the rake. It is perhaps the last object on this fertile spinning earth that will listen to you. 

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One of the cattiest “socs” in the everyRepublican-versus-elitists Harriet Miers rumble is National Review writer David Frum, who endeared himself to us by saying what we all were thinking (”unscrupulous dissembler”) and then taking it back. How does he get away with such would-be balliness? And is the White House frightened of their former speechwriter-turned-backbiter? We asked our SAO operative, Fred Becker, to make sense of it for us.

Dear Wiley Wonkette,
  
When is it going to happen that David Frum is called out? You must please do it now and with waiving torches. He can no longer pretend that he was an intimate in the Bush White House or really that he very much understands either the White House ethos (a Frum word!) or the political magic that Bush and Rove performed to win two national elections. He dines out on his time in the White House, but if you mention his name to anyone who ever had or has had any real power in the White House they will collapse in helpless laughter. There are warnings from OSHA in the West Wing that explicitly forbid mentioning his name near people drinking coffee for all of the scalding accidents that occur. As to the effluence in his columns? They should be read with a sneeze guard.

Continued after the jump.

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Wonkette’s Strunk and White correspondent, Fred Becker, read the Note today. He Notes:

My lovely Wonkenfurter, MORE »

Apparently, there’s more going on in Ohio besides fixed elections. We read today about Governor Bob Taft, who this morning pleaded “no contest” to four misdemeanor counts involving breaking the state’s ethics laws. He failed to report gifts, most of which were rounds of golf. Reading up on the case, we saw a familiar name among the golf partners: John Snow, a.k.a. The Secretary of the Treasury. That’s right: Taft is a Republican. We asked Fred Becker what gives.

Dear Wonkleupagus,
 
I am sorry you didn’t get that Reliable Source position. However, I’m always in need of a ready laugh and take comfort in still being able to make people chuckle by saying: “If the Post Style section were alive today…”

Anyway: Bob Taft. He always seemed like a Chevy Chase character playing a governor to me, but that’s not why I write. He’s in a pickle and he sure could use a hand from someone like George Bush. The party could use the help, too, what with Taft being living proof that Republicans don’t play by the rules. Neither do the Dems, but they didn’t get caught this time. Or the last. Have I mentioned Jack Ambramoff?

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We were so distracted by Michael Wolff’s use of the word “fucking” to describe the Plame/CIA leak investigation story that we forgot to try to figure out what he meant by it being a “fucking big story.” Like, has he seen the size of Cheney’s schlong? Anyway, we asked Fred Becker to explain.

Dear Wonkenutter,
 
I heard that at one of those fancy media lunches yesterday, Michael Wolff was heard to declare that the Valerie Plame outing was “one of the biggest stories of our age.” This is undoubtedly true. I say this because I presume by “our” he means the men’s room sect of idea-free media writers consumed by mogul envy. And by “age” he means the timelines of planet Zog.

Here on earth we’ve had a couple of wars in our age. An election was contested here and the Supreme Court had to decide the outcome. A President was impeached. Oh, and they flew some planes into buildings very near where Mr. Wolff spends frantic time stitching new gallant robes of flowing pedantry.

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We were up late last night, crossing our fingers for handsome anti-war vet Paul Hackett to squeak out a victory in Ohio. But by the time the gin was gone, the race was called for the scary marathon-running pro-lifer. Imagine our surprise upon reading this morning that Hackett’s loss was, in fact, a sure sign of Republicans’ downfall; as Rep. Rahm Emanuel, chairman of the Democratic Congressional Campaign Committee, put it, “There’s no safe Republican district. You can run, but you cannot hide.” We asked Fred Becker to explain.

Dear Willie Wonka,
 
I need a vibrant two party system and this morning’s result from Ohio depresses me. Not because I am haunted by the skeletal frame of the Republican winner (is she planning on challenging Bush to a race?), but because the Democrats’ spin makes my brain curdle. Not to put too fine a point on it, but when the other candidate gets more votes, that’s a win.

Continued after the jump.

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We’ve been getting multiple reports of Michael Douglas sightings and understand that he’s in town to make a movie of some kind. You know what that means: Eventually, we will see his ass. Contemplating this thought made our minds turn to film criticism in general and we asked our own Fred Becker if he’s seen anything good lately:

Salutem Plurimam Wonkette,
 
Before joining my other GS-9 colleagues here at the Department of Homeland Security (today is Burnt Umber Friday) I was browsing what the man whose picture is in the lobby likes to call the webonator. I saw on the Drudge Report that Oliver Stone is starting to resemble Mr. Bush: He is blaming others for his failures.

Fred’s thoughts continue after the jump.

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Things got a little repetitive in the WH briefing room yesterday, as Scott McClellan lost track of where the questions stopped and the stonewalling began:

Q Has Karl Rove offered to resign, in view of his problems?
MR. McCLELLAN: Again, you keep asking these questions that are related to an ongoing investigation –
Q Does he still have his security clearance?
MR. McCLELLAN: – and those are questions that have already been addressed.
Q No, they — I’ve never heard this before. Have you?

It’s all getting awfully familiar and it’s starting to bother Wonkette’s own Fred Becker:

My Incandescent Wonkfire,
 
It occurs to me that Scott has an opportunity. Each day he protects Karl and refuses to answer obvious questions from the Washington press corps, his earning power diminishes. At least Mike McCurry increased his speaking fees — he was lying for the President. Defending someone the President nicknames Turd Blossom isn’t as profitable, though he may be in demand for the annual mulch farmers’ retreat.

Continued after the jump.

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In this White House pool report, an anonymous source refuses to go on the record about the President’s compassion:

From: White House Press Releases
Date: July 22, 2005 3:49:20 PM EDT
Subject: POOL REPORT #2, 7/22/05 MORE »