When George W. Bush Junior started that goddamned whining during his Last Press Conference, we wanted to crawl through the television screen and throttle him, right there, while he was still technically president. Tragically, current television technology doesn’t allow this type of full-immersion interactive Wii hate — hurry up, digital teevee! — so we’re still pretty annoyed 12 hours later. Hmm, target for late-night rage, where are you? Ah, Fred Barnes! A comical human dildo, wearing eyeglasses! What kind of ludicrous horseshit could the Weekly Standard executive editor deliver for America, in our Hour of Darkness? George W. Bush was actually a great president, that’s what! MORE »

The Republican equivalent of being sent to the gulag is babysitting Sarah Palin, and this thankless task has fallen to former Bush staffer and current McCain employee Nicolle Wallace. What unspeakable sin did Wallace commit in order to be saddled with this terrible burden? Only History will tell. But for now she insists it is awesome to hang out with Sarah Palin all the time, and also she did not buy her all those clothes like Fred Barnes said she did. MORE »

Over the summer, John McCain had three finalists for his vice presidential selection. The first was Connecticut alien shit demon and known old virgin Sen. Joe Lieberman, who McCain wanted because they share the same ideology: Bomb Everyone, Otherwise, Who Cares? The second was Sarah Palin, an autistic lady governor from the Arctic who is just insane enough to appeal to Evangelicals. The last was Mittens “Willard” Romney, the president of Massachusetts and quite possibly the finest specimen our Earthly gene pool has ever produced, ‘cepting for the fact that he was born on the Mormon planet, Pluto. As Scott Horton of Harper’s and The Daily Hell Demon has discovered, it was at the insistence of New York Times “lightning rod conservative” monkey Bill Kristol, a liar and a fraud, that the McCain campaign went with Sarah Palin, and now the campaign is pissed at Kristol for making them pick this unconscionable retard. MORE »

Jesus, we almost feel sorry for John McCain having to deal with these hacks on the right who are agreeing with Phil Gramm’s characterization of America as a “nation of whiners.” Here’s Fred Barnes, executive editor of Bill Kristol’s Weekly Standard, calling Gramm’s comments “straight talk” and saying that American’s are “whining all the way through” the current Great New Depression. Surely keeping this issue alive and expanding on it is a great way for the Republicans to overtake Barack Obama in the polls. [YouTube via Think Progress]

This week, George Will, Howard Dean, Fred Barnes and James Carville were all spotted being various degrees of “famous for D.C.” at various places by our spies and operatives. Voyeuristic fun, as always, is after the jump. MORE »

We’ve got more than three amigos for you this week because Wonk’d doesn’t take snow days, even in a celebrity storm like this one: Vicente Fox doing his Borat impersonation, Bill Cosby not eating at Ben’s, Fred Barnes with his head in the ground, and Joe “That’s Right Motherfuckers” Lockhart partying with some girls who are way past wild and into ludicrous, also Ludacris.

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No half-assed Christmas puns today, just straight Wonk’d, with Steny Hoyer showing off his pimping skills, Ed Rendell proving he’s a sports fan, Fred Barnes shopping like he could afford not to, and Robert Duvall, who you see here as the same tragic hero you remember. All this, plus the most metrosexual Redskins player, on a team full of them.

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The tipsters have gotten themselves on the “good” list and uncle Wonk’d has loads of stocking stuffers for an early Christmas. These presents might not be as good as the ones Laura Bush was seen buying, but you get what you pay for. Unwrap a jaywalking John Bolton, an over-caffeinated Katherine Harris, an anatomically correct Anderson Cooper, and an occasionally anonymous Dan Bartlett that comes with elephant sidekick, under the tree.

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The typical Wonk’d sighting is comprised of two parts. First, the initial spotting - that moment of, “holy shit, it’s XXXX XXXX.” The second part is where it gets interesting: moving in for the kill. Getting a little closer to confirm it is who you think it is, or to get a greeting — but it’s impossible to know how the spottee will react. An equal “hi” for “hi” return is rare, a slight nod seems to be the standard, and the pursed-lip-upward-chin-thrust is if you’re lucky. In today’s Wonk’d see how Howard Dean, William Cohen, and Katherine Heigl respond to being caught. Also, Ken Mehlman’s workout habits, Greta Van Susteren’s travel habits, and the meanest dry cleaner in Chicago, after the jump.

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For some reason, polls by Rasmussen Reports always give Bush a higher approval rating than other leading polls - Gallup, Harris, Fox News. That’s probably the Reason “The Beltway Boys” co-host and journeyman pundit Fred Barnes cites them whenever he wants to re-make the case that Bush is a history-shiftin’ rebel who will lead us joyfully into the Rapture. From last Saturday’s episode of “The Beltway Boys”:

BARNES: Mort, have you been watching Bush’s presidential approval rating not surge, but creep up? MORE »

We were really excited to read Fred Barnes’ super-mega-ultra-must-read in the Weekly Standard, our top number-one source for what the important insider types are chattering about this week (after Dana Milbank’s fun new gimmick, which we’ll get to). MORE »