Tag Archives: frauds

  begun these nerd wars have

Without Gallup’s Crappy Polls, Nate Silver Is Nothing, Says Gallup

One of the “fun” things about presidential elections is that every four years there’s a new dumb thing about the process for political junkies to yell at each other about despite the disinterest or genuine disgust of normals, and this year it’s polling! Did Nate Silver’s devil-math suck all the fun out of democracy, forever? Were the polls skewed because they didn’t reflect Republican understanding of reality? Were Gallup and Rasmussen “in the tank” for Republicans? Well, Gallup Editor-in-Chief Frank Newport has decided to weigh in on this controversy, and would like you to know that (a) Gallup was not wrong, because it abruptly stopped picking Romney to win by 7 points several days before the election, and (b) Nate Silver is a parasitic remora clinging to the great white shark that is Gallup and if everyone gets into the Nate Silver business the whole polling industry will collapse, and then we’ll have no polling at all, and then we’ll be sorry! Read more on Without Gallup’s Crappy Polls, Nate Silver Is Nothing, Says Gallup…
  what is 'legal'?

In Michigan, It Is Totally Not Illegal To Pay Your Political ‘Opponents’ To Take A Dive

Back in May, Michigan Speaker of the House Jase Bolger (he of your Wonkette’s Do Not Sex list) convinced state Rep. Roy Schmidt to switch parties and join the GOP. Then Bolger and Schmidt hatched a plan to ensure Schmidt wouldn’t have to face an actual opponent in his re-election bid. For democracy! Schmidt waited until the filing deadline to switch parties and enter the race as a Republican. He also recruited a 22-year-old GNC clerk who didn’t actually live in Schmidt’s district to “run” against him as a Democrat and lose. And because Schmidt and Bolger are political geniuses, they had the same person file both candidates’ paperwork! Read more on In Michigan, It Is Totally Not Illegal To Pay Your Political ‘Opponents’ To Take A Dive…
  obama-cheney 2012

Obama Administration Invents Reason To Keep Troops In Iraq Forever

Deadlines are for losers, right? The Obama Administration will ignore a deadline this year to withdraw U.S. troops from Iraq, because why not. Defense Secretary/CIA chief/Clinton hack Leon Panetta will reportedly keep 4,000 U.S. troops in Iraq for “training,” which is always a great trouble-free way to keep the United States’ claws all over the world, forever. Panetta probably remembers this from when he served as a U.S. Army intelligence officer during America’s war against Vietnam. Read more on Obama Administration Invents Reason To Keep Troops In Iraq Forever…
  needy has-beens

Sad Sarah Palin Begging Blogs To Cover Her Squirmish-y Speeches

Squirmish-y grifter Sarah Palin isn’t getting noticed enough by the media she pretends to hate! This is why the multi-millionaire human fraud and political quitter is begging the Huffington Post to please, please, please keep her in the blog-news cycle. It’s one thing to be a gleefully ignorant demagogue to a bunch of unemployed housebound white people on Twitter clicking the ‘puter until their electricity is shut off again, but how does Sarah get money from that? She needs those $100,000 checks for squeaking out some half-baked bigotry, and in order to be “worth the money” (to billionaires), she’s got her press aide sending these desperate tweets begging the blogs and television networks to cover Sarah’s latest spill of word salad. Because when the media coverage of vapid human oddity Sarah Palin stops, the $100,000 appearances stop. There’s just one problem: Even the media is tired of Sarah Palin, the most reliable clown of the past three years. What’s Grandma Palin gonna do now? Read more on Sad Sarah Palin Begging Blogs To Cover Her Squirmish-y Speeches…
  manchurian candidates

Slow-Witted Liberals Finally Realizing Obama Is Their Enemy

Did you hear Barack Obama is giving a big speech tomorrow? He’s probably going to announce that the Koch Brothers will be managing his re-election campaign, and that the working poor will pay a 35% tax on all grocery and gasoline purchases for the next year, because “we all need to chip in to lower the budget or whatever” and talent like the Koch Brothers doesn’t come cheap! Can you believe anyone on “The Left” was ever excited about this Obama fraud? We can believe it, because we heard him lie through his phony smile for two years on the campaign trail. Remember how Barry was going to end the wars, rebuild America’s infrastructure, put renewable energy and mass transit all across the country, crack down on industrial polluters, raise taxes on the super-rich, etc., etc. All lies! Everything the guy has ever said was a lie. Back when Obama was blowing Weather Underground hero Bill Ayers in Chicago, that was just part of the elaborate deception, too. Leftist street cred. Same thing with the “Oh I’m down with Jay-Z and Stevie Wonder.” Obama hates “urban music,” and always has. Guy grew up in Hawaii, listening to nothing but Jimmy Buffett and Sammy Hagar. Read more on Slow-Witted Liberals Finally Realizing Obama Is Their Enemy…
  whew

Don’t Worry, Congress Will Still Get Paid During Gov’t Shutdown

Just in case you were super concerned about how Michele Bachmann and John Boehner and Louie Gohmert and Joe Barton and the rest of America’s corrupt lunatic wingnut legislators would survive the Government Shutdown, don’t worry! They can still get paid, and they probably will — unpaid furloughs are for the commoners, hahahahahahaha. “Lawmakers would continue to get paid during a shutdown, unless the full Congress voted otherwise. Both the House and Senate have voted to suspend their own pay during a shutdown, but as part of legislation that has not passed the other chamber,” reports the communist newsletter the Wall Street Journal. Read more on Don’t Worry, Congress Will Still Get Paid During Gov’t Shutdown…
  worth the faking for

Lifelong Fraud John McCain Is Lifelong Fraud

He was a Maverick! Except, of course, he wasn’t any such thing. He had morals and convictions! Except, he never did, about anything. John McCain never did anything but squander the proud military legacy of his family and then carpetbag his way to Arizona where he smelled money and opportunity. He dumped his crippled wife for a young beer heiress. He is a creep and a fraud, and that’s all he’s ever been. Vanity Fair has just posted an article about this, in case you were wondering, Who the fuck still believes John McCain is anything beyond a craven toad? Read more on Lifelong Fraud John McCain Is Lifelong Fraud…
  anti-incumbent fever

You Still Have John McCain To Kick Around, Forever

America’s new Robert Byrd is John McCain, who will never be voted out of the Senate because Arizona Republicans are also too old and confused and stupid to know what’s happening, ever. Hooray for the ex-Maverick! It only cost Juan the last crumbs of his integrity and legacy, and it cost Cindy $20 million. But at least she gets to send Walnuts back to Washington and out of her way, while she drools over young Navy SEALs in an Rx haze. John McCain has handily defeated crazy teevee huckster J.D. Hayworth. Read more on You Still Have John McCain To Kick Around, Forever…
  fancy book-learnin'

Glenn Beck Starts College That Will Be Better Than All Other Colleges, Combined

If you’re like most Americans, you’ve probably always wanted to get a fraud degree online from the University of Phoenix, but are concerned about that institution’s well-known Marxist ideology and don’t want to be brainwashed while trying to get your HVAC Repair certificate. Well, your day is just about to be made, because now you can get a degree online (i.e., download nine bullshit lectures from scam artists and wackadoodles) from Beck University, an actual accredited college founded by Glenn Beck! (Note for legal purposes: Beck University is not an accredited college.) Read more on Glenn Beck Starts College That Will Be Better Than All Other Colleges, Combined…
  but nazis are just like mexicans

Jan Brewer’s Dad Did Not Die ‘Fighting the Nazis,’ No Matter What She Says

America’s bravest Fighter of Mexicans, Arizona governor Jan Brewer, just can’t stop talking about all the good reasons to round up brown people and kill them. After all, didn’t the Nazis round up all the Jews and Catholics and Queers and Other Minorities and kill them? Exactly. Oh wait, but the Nazis were the Bad Guys? Jeez this is totally confusing. Okay, so Nazis should be hunted like Mexicans are hunted? This is starting to make sense — especially to Jan Brewer, who knows quite a lot about the sacrifices people make while fighting Nazis. Her father used to do that! Hell, he died doing that, which is super brave, in Nazi Germany. Only this is just a completely made-up bullshit lie and Jan Brewer should be buried alive beneath the Holocaust Museum. Read more on Jan Brewer’s Dad Did Not Die ‘Fighting the Nazis,’ No Matter What She Says…
  crybaby needs a bottle

Eric Cantor Finally Finds Someone Who Threatened Him: A Mentally Ill Person On YouTube Who Claims To Be God

Hooray for History’s Greatest Victim, Eric Cantor! Finally, after police immediately dismissed his bullshit claim that somebody shot up his office (a stray bullet fired at the sky had landed outside his ghetto office in Richmond), authorities have found an actual insane person on YouTube who threatened poor little Eric on YouTube! The same deranged man-child posted another “2,000 videos in which he made threats,” but only the one about Eric Cantor should be taken seriously, because hey, Eric Cantor! Read more on Eric Cantor Finally Finds Someone Who Threatened Him: A Mentally Ill Person On YouTube Who Claims To Be God…
  payback

Traitor Congressman Parker Griffith’s Entire Staff Just Quit

Alabama fraud Parker Griffith, who won his congressional seat as a Democrat but just switched to the GOP because he likes to fuck boys he’s scared of southern teabaggers, got a special karmic present today from his entire staff: They all quit! HA. Read more on Traitor Congressman Parker Griffith’s Entire Staff Just Quit…
  quitters

Sarah Palin Quits 5K Charity Run, Too

Yikes, did we imply Sarah Palin was acting like a “normal ‘Merikun” in eastern Washington State for Thanksgiving? Sorry about that! Palin was just being a Prima Donna nutcase, like always. Read more on Sarah Palin Quits 5K Charity Run, Too…
  detroit's flourishing political system

Beloved Detroit Icon Monica Conyers Faces 5 Years For Crooked Sludge Deal

Well, people of Detroit, it appears you did not pray hard enough for Monica Conyers, and now she may have to go to jail for a while. The Detroit City Council President Pro Tem and completely insane violent creep Mrs. Conyers, wife of US Representative John Conyers, pleaded guilty to conspiracy this morning in connection with a glamorous case involving the disposal of sludge. She’s accused of taking a bribe from the sludge people in exchange for voting in favor of their contract. Read more on Beloved Detroit Icon Monica Conyers Faces 5 Years For Crooked Sludge Deal…
  'how to steal fancy clothes'

America’s Biggest Idiot Gets Millions For Someone To Write Her ‘Memoirs’

Remember Sarah Palin, the briefly famous wingnut lady who can’t speak, can’t read and can’t even remember the name of a single newspaper she pretends to read every day? Yeah, she’s getting millions of dollars from HarperCollins to write her “memoirs.” Jesus. She hired a lawyer last year (after she lost the election for McCain) to go after an $11 million advance. Read more on America’s Biggest Idiot Gets Millions For Someone To Write Her ‘Memoirs’…
  so long

Liveblogging Uncle Ted Stevens’ Sad Farewell

Ted Stevens is 85 years old and has served in the United States Senate since Reconstruction. He now has to leave, because he lost his latest re-election bid to some warm-blooded mammal from Anchorage. Join us as he delivers a stirring rendition of “Non, je ne regrette rien” before committing seppuku with a whale tusk. Read more on Liveblogging Uncle Ted Stevens’ Sad Farewell…
  america at a crossroads

Ashley Todd, Our Greatest Hope For FREEDOM!

Here’s your favorite Ashley Todd, the little smiling hobbit down there with her pals and her first hero, the Doctor Congressman Ron Paul, with Cowboy Jesus looking on in the background. Ashley’s not a “Real Paultard,” as she decided to root for another candidate after Ron Paul lost miserably. This hypocrisy is considered rather uncouth by the Paultard Council. But she was with the Paultards long enough to learn how to act like a fucking idiot, and this is how we should remember her. We decided the occasion called for a touch of sepia, beg yr pardon. Read more on Ashley Todd, Our Greatest Hope For FREEDOM!…
  the most coveted real estate in journalism

NYT Opinion Editor Hires Bono, ‘Jokes’ About How Conservatives Lie

New York Times opinion editor Andrew Rosenthal lost all professional credibility when he hired “lightning rod conservative” Bill Kristol late last year and then — and then! — called Liberals “intolerant” for not accepting this “serious, respected conservative intellectual” as a particularly edifying addition. Well, Kristol’s one-year contract is almost up, and we’re amazed that Andrew Rosenthal still has a job. Any job. So what’s the fixin’ plan for 2009, Rosenthal? His answer: hire, uh, rock stars such as that U2 guy who cares about AIDS, The Bono. Read more on NYT Opinion Editor Hires Bono, ‘Jokes’ About How Conservatives Lie…
  mama's got a squeeze box

AP McCain Feature Just Chock Full of Awful Metaphors About Accordion Players

It’s the New Associated Press! Less boring facts and whatever, and more shitty, shitty writing like you might find on a Live Journal, for the Retarded. Let’s enjoy some of the dozens of terrible metaphors in today’s AP feature on how John McCain is a shameful old fraud who should be locked in a bag of snakes and dropped down an oil well — no, wait! John McCain is actually like, uh, a person who plays the accordion. Because he’s super old, right?! Uhhh …. Read more on AP McCain Feature Just Chock Full of Awful Metaphors About Accordion Players…
  scandals of international import

Meet John McCain’s Sleazy Montenegrin Con Man Friend!

We know that various lipstick metaphors are the most important issues in the 2008 presidential election following eight years of George W. Bush, but we feel we should mention something about this new HIT PIECE from the liberal Nation magazine. In the above picture, John McCain and his campaign manager Rick Davis are boarding a fancy boat to celebrate McCain’s 70th birthday, 423 years ago. Ha ha, look at freakin’ Walnuts trying to shimmy up that ramp. Anyway, who is that greasy Montenegrin convicted con artist playboy, the one who owned the boat? Read more on Meet John McCain’s Sleazy Montenegrin Con Man Friend!…
  awesome twosome

McCain-Lieberman Ticket Could Be Saltiest, Crustiest Combo Since Kettle Chips

Who would make the most terrible running mate for John McCain, an ill-tempered old fraud who is despised by everybody in the Republican Party? Joe Lieberman, of course — another sour old geezer who is despised by everybody in the Democratic Party! It’s a match made in heaven … and here’s why! Read more on McCain-Lieberman Ticket Could Be Saltiest, Crustiest Combo Since Kettle Chips…