Wonkette

Do you have the Summer Olympic Fever? No? Neither do we. But now we sort of regret missing the Opening Ceremony, which was apparently done completely with the computer game The SIMS. MORE »

Gary Dodds was running for Congress in New Hampshire in 2006 when, out of nowhere, he became the saddest person in the history of the world. His campaign was low on funds, he had already spent double what he told his wife he’d spend, he’d taken out two mortgages (for renovations, mostly). He was broke and desperate. That’s when he “disappeared” after a car crash in the snowy woods and was rescued 27 hours later, making him a Common Man and bringing in “campaign” cash. Earlier this year, he was convicted in court of making this up — that he faked his own disappearance. And now he’s been arrested again for violating bail conditions. This person’s life makes us all want to drink, a lot. MORE »

Here is a ballot from Pennsylvania. If this is a true thing — it comes from popular libtard discussion board Democratic Underground, so who the hell knows — then Hillary Clinton will for sure win this particular county. Good work, Hilz! And there are other “voting irregularities,” too! MORE »

Pilar O’Leary, this magazine cover lady who was head of the Smithsonian’s Latino Center until resigning in February, was apparently in the midst of an ethics investigation at the time that found her wasting your taxpayer money (that you have to pay today ha ha!) on limos, fashion show tickets, five star hotels, concerts and “music award ceremony” FAVORS. According to a report released yesterday, “The investigation revealed that O’Leary has not always acted in the best interests of the Smithsonian… Her conduct has violated the basic ethical rules of the Institution.” The National Air an Space Museum is currently building a rocket to shoot O’Leary to Neptune. [Washington Post]

According to a new audit from the Government Accountability Office, the United States of America’s Government has been purchasing iPods, lingerie and other goodies with federal credit cards. About 300,000 federal government employees used purchase cards in 2007. Government purchase cards are like corporate credit cards, except the Corporation is YOU, the AMERICAN TAXPAYER PEOPLE. You and your subprime corporate friends should be ashamed and banished to Spain, with the Moors. MORE »

Did you know John McCain was a hard-livin’ playboy and financial criminal back in the Jazz Age? Of course, because John McCain’s entire campaign is based on rumors of his physical attractiveness back in the 1920s. But now that he’s a tortured, crazy old man whose only economic experience was personally destroying the nation’s Savings & Loan institutions in the 1980s, all he wants to do is imprison all Americans in a terrible place where they can’t drink and fuck around and leave their crippled wives for hot millionaire gals, the end. [New York Times]

Barack Obama is a FRAUD. He was a massive fraud on this morning’s Today show, and he probably went and stole some credit card identities after the taping. Barry has a health care package that doesn’t force everyone to get health insurance, but one time in Illinois he said single-payer systems are also good — but not feasible! Just look at this goddamn Brit, this lobsterback. Has he ever held a reliable position about anything? Thank you, The Clintons, for showing that Barry supports one kind of universal health care reform over another that he doesn’t think is so bad either.

We just got this shocking, repulsive news tip from Wonkette operative “Matt R.,” who is monitoring the proceedings on CNN:

On the C-SPAN precinct feed, one guy just raised two hands while voting for precinct chair. Hooray Iowa! (It was around 8:07 p.m.)

Hooray for the slow march of justice for lesser Bush Administration figures! Former No. 3 CIA boss Kyle “Slimeball” Foggo and impossibly corrupt Duke Cunningham buddy/contractor Brent Wilkes have been officially indicted for many federal crimes including conspiracy, wire fraud, and money laundering. MORE »

Sure, we laugh at Katherine Harris’ strong Christian/Jewish faith, and we laugh at how her god(s) betrayed her, but we’re ready to acknowledge an actual supernatural miracle when it happens. MORE »