Wonkette

What has Condoleezza Rice accomplished in the past week? The answer is always the same: nothing! What has she been doing, where has she been going? Well, that’s a more complicated question. Each week, veteran Condiwatcher Peter Huestis (also known as Princess Sparkle Pony) provides a summary of the searing wit and infinite wisdom of America’s Favorite Princess Diplomat™! This past week? OMG, it was mostly all about writing about Condi! We’re talking people running into each other at cocktail parties and going, all, “OMG, you’re writing a book about Condi? Me too! Have you seen my latest newspaper article about her? It’s so much better than Glenn Kessler’s.” Soon there will be enough words written about Condoleezza Rice to build her a stairway to the moon! Which would be a good idea right around now! MORE »

Oooh Sarko get so mad sometimes! On last night’s 60 Minutes, French President Nicolas Sarkozy, who George Bush likes or something, walked out of an interview with the charming Lesley Stahl after being asked about his split with wife Cécilia (it was taped a few weeks ago, before France announced their divorce). As the New York Times describes the scene, Sarkozy “was shown standing up muttering in French” before peacing.

60 Minutes [CBS]

You’d think Donald Rumsfeld would know better than to go to the land of rabid Jerry Lewis fans, striped boating shirt aficionados and melty cheeses, but oh, no! He probably thought, “It’s Sarkozy’s town, now,” and, therefore, he’d be greeted as a liberator. Well, not exactly:

Former US Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld’s jaunt to France was interrupted today by an unscheduled itinerary item — he was slapped with a criminal complaint charging him with torture.

Rumsfeld, in Paris for a discussion sponsored by the magazine Foreign Policy, was tracked down by representatives of a coalition of international human rights groups, who informed the architect of the US invasion of Iraq that they had submitted a torture suit against him in French court.

The filed documents allege that during his tenure, the former defense secretary “ordered and authorized” torture of detainees at both the American-run Abu Ghraib prison in Iraq and the US military’s detainment facility at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba.

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Conservative sensation Nicolas Sarkozy was recently elected as president of France thanks to his promises to be a total Republican by helping millionaires, hurting the poor people and hating on Muslims. So far, his presidency has been a great success. But his wingnut backers in America (who previously hated France more than anything in the world, except for Muslims) were heartbroken over his failure to get arrested cruising for gay sex in a public bathroom, or at least get divorced. Today, the world is rejoicing: Sarkozy just divorced his wife, while in office, making him the first French president to be a divorced guy and the first French president to get divorced while being president. Liberté, égalité, Giuliani! MORE »

Noriega’s getting out early for good behavior! But do we send him to France, where he faces a money-laundering conviction, or Panama, where he’ll be under house arrest until he dies? We say, let’s send him on a wacky road trip with the dude who shot Wallace, so they can rediscover America, and themselves. [CNN]

New French President Nicolas Sarkozy is in New Hampshire this week, for mysterious reasons that can only lead to his nomination as the Republican candidate for U.S. president. And tomorrow, Sarkozy will meet with George W. Bush (and, probably, Bush’s sad old dad) at the Bush Regime Compound in Kennebunkport , Maine. MORE »

Can you imagine a scenario where some reporters were taking unwanted pictures of the President of the United States while he was on vacation in a foreign country? Of course not, because they’d immediately be stuffed into burlap sacks by a team of NSA black ops commandos and taken to a secret prison in Uzbekistan where they’d be tortured to death. But not every world leader hides behind his security services like a little girl. MORE »

Here he is, beloved new French president Mr. Monsieur Nicolas Sarkozy grabbing some young gal’s left tit. Europe is back! Aux armes — et cetera! MORE »

Just days after the tragic announcement that Los Angeles Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa will no longer pretend to be married to his wife, Corina, French socialist leader and failed presidential candidate Ségolène Royal announced she has separated from her socialist boyfriend of 30 years — to whom she wasn’t even married! MORE »

Mormon-Scientologist Mitt Romney (pictured here with The Joker) was down at Regent University earning a master’s degree in Pretend World History yesterday, and he told an audience of future Monica Goodlings all about a crazy land called “France,” where the ladies wear no pants and people only mate every seven years on their home planet of Vulcan.

He also criticized people who choose not to get married because they enjoy the single life.

“It seems that Europe leads Americans in this way of thinking,” Romney told the crowd of more than 5,000. “In France, for instance, I’m told that marriage is now frequently contracted in seven-year terms where either party may move on when their term is up. How shallow and how different from the Europe of the past.”

While this is not true in any way, seven-year marriage contracts are a humorous feature of neo-con sci-fi author Orson Scott Card’s book The Memory of Earth, which is itself a science-fictionalization of The Book of Mormon.

We’re very close to endorsing Mitt Romney for President, because we really want to see Earth start a war with the Klingons. MORE »