Tag Archives: France

  energy in the news

French Nuclear Waste Dump Explodes, Kenyan Oil Pipeline Explodes

How is the world of energy going, today? Not so well! In the non-German, still-nuke-having European land of France, a nuclear waste dump in Marcoule exploded. At least one person is dead and several are injured and of course there is “no danger” until, like every recent nuclear disaster, the entire province is pronounced off limits to humanity for the next 10,000 years. (The Fox News-esque British deadpan comedy blog Daily Mail marks the explosion with the headline, “Marcoule explosion: Is the tide of anti-nuclear irrationality on the turn?”) And in Barack Obama’s socialist “Aloha State” of Kenya, a gigantic oil pipeline exploded in a heavily populated slum of Nairobi, killing at least a hundred. Read more on French Nuclear Waste Dump Explodes, Kenyan Oil Pipeline Explodes…
  freedom comes to town

Actual Palin/Beck Reign of Terror To Kick Off With Night of Family Fun

Good thing you did not waste your pathetic paycheck on those Donny and Marie tickets, because America’s other tragic duo is heading to good ol’ St. Louis this October, to sing some songs about Freedom! “Defending the Republic” promises fun for the whole family, and will feature lessons, comedy, and Sarah Palin scratching her fingernails across Glenn Beck’s chalkboard. The name of this rally seems to suggest that perhaps there will also be some French people guillotining each others’ heads off, but probably not because Glenn Beck does not like the French, except for the ones that are fried. How will America handle so much raw, unapologetic patriotism in one Family Arena? Read more on Actual Palin/Beck Reign of Terror To Kick Off With Night of Family Fun…
  robots running everything

From France, Obama Forces His Robot To Sign Patriot Act Renewal

Republicans and Democrats came together to oppose the renewal of the Patriot Act — which lets the government do literally whatever it wants to anyone, anywhere — and then other Republicans and Democrats came together in bigger numbers to approve the renewal of the Patriot Act. So if you were planning on doing anything vaguely terrorist-y like talking on the phone or using public transportation, rest assured that you are still under surveillance. But the interesting part of this story is that President Obama couldn’t sign the bill because he is in France, having a very lovely vacation. Couldn’t Joe Biden sign off? Apparently not! Plus, he is super busy returning Obama’s calls. So Barack Obama ordered his handwriting robot to sign the bill into law, and that’s apparently okey-dokey with the Constitution. A robot! Let’s hope it was at least assembled in the USA. Read more on From France, Obama Forces His Robot To Sign Patriot Act Renewal…
  L'hotel particulier

Guy In Charge of World’s Money Jailed For Sex Attack On Hotel Maid

How are the people in charge of the money treating the people who serve the people in charge of the money these days? Still not so good, it seems! International Monetary Fund chief Dominique Strauss-Kahn was hauled off an Air France flight just before departing New York, all because the cops say he tried to rape a hotel maid and then made a hasty departure for the airport. (Also: These sorts of people have “standing access to Air France’s business class,” so there’s no need to make reservations or whatever. The good life!) Maybe some world leader did something nice over the weekend, too. Who knows. Does Google News have a section for that? Read more on Guy In Charge of World’s Money Jailed For Sex Attack On Hotel Maid…
  madam i'm adam too hot to hoot

Subterranean Romney Blues

On this dumb American night when Tracy Morgan is announcing his exploratory committee and an “anal sex joke” named Rick Santorum still gets Campaign 2012 news coverage, let’s all remember poor little rich boy Mitt Romney. He’s been running for president since approximately 1965, which was just about when Maureen Dowd first heard “Subterranean Homesick Blues” and freaked the hell out because Dylan “went electric” and also hired Chairman Mao to play the Hammond B-3 organ. Mitt Romney did not care for the radical-socialist peace-nik culture, however. He did not care for this at all! The America of 1965 was such an assault on Mitt’s delicate sensibilities that he moved to France in 1966. This is completely true and a tragically forgotten part of The Mitt Romney Story. Read more on Subterranean Romney Blues…
  it's morning in america

World Powers Deeply Concerned For Humanity, Debate No-Fly Zone

Gadhafi has tens of billions of dollars stashed all over Tripoli, according to anonymous “American intelligence officials” who probably just pulled that estimate out of their hairy cornholes. So despite an international freeze on all of Gadhafi’s assets, The Crazy Colonel could still easily bankroll his mercenary army for 1,000 years, unless of course NATO reluctantly intervenes and saves all that delicious oil, reluctantly. Meanwhile, NATO defense ministers are meeting today to discuss the possibility of implementing a no-fly zone over Libya, and other “international responses” to this civil war. France has already recognized Libya’s rebel leadership, and Obama says he will wait for “European and Arab support” before we invade — what a gentleman! When NATO does eventually intervene, it will be for “humanitarian purposes,” just like when the Concerned World Powers invaded Sudan and stopped the ongoing genocide in Darfur! Haha. [NYT/CNN] Read more on World Powers Deeply Concerned For Humanity, Debate No-Fly Zone… Read more on World Powers Deeply Concerned For Humanity, Debate No-Fly Zone…
  les enfants

Nation of Whining Babies Still Throwing Stupid Tantrum

HO HO HO, HEE HEE HEE, what is ZEES?! Zey are still rioting, in la FRANCE?! Sacre bleu and mon dieu, whatever is ze guillotineingest nation in all ze world to do? Shall zey take away ze baguettes? Shall zey deport all ze Jews? This nation of fucking pussies, which once slaughtered its finest bewigged elite and called this murderous rampage a victory for democracy, cannot handle that its unwashed masses are on strike. The best part, of course, is the reason they are rioting: proposed changes to retirement plans fueled by milk suckled from the government teat. These lazy fucks are incensed over a proposal to change the minimum retirement age from 60 to 62. Sixty nique-ta-mereing two! President Nicholas Sarkozy took a break from banging the shit out of a fabulous aging supermodel/chanteuse in order to say big-boy words to his seething country of sloths. Read more on Nation of Whining Babies Still Throwing Stupid Tantrum…
  it's morning in america

American Voters Demand Traditional White/Hopeless Stasis

A majority of voters in “key battleground states” (continental United States, Hawaii, Alaska, Puerto Rico and Afghanistan) say Barack Obama hasn’t changed a single thing in Washington, and if Obama did change something he probably changed it into horrible Socialism. Good gravy, basically everything Obama touches turns into poo/taxes. Is this what America really believes? Yes, according to some poll! This so-called poll also shows that a majority of “battleground voters” think they are voting to impeach Obama/elect Skoalrebel president in November. They are going to be so confused when they see Barack Obama and a whole bunch of crazy Aqua Racist Masturbation Nazi Witch Buddhists hanging out together, in Washington. [The Hill] Read more on American Voters Demand Traditional White/Hopeless Stasis… Read more on American Voters Demand Traditional White/Hopeless Stasis…
  jihadist witches

Saudis Warn French of Christine O’Donnell-Meghan McCain Threat

America’s epidemic of Satan-worshiping Republican witch-monsters is alarming our allies from Paris to Riyadh, according to this Google News alert. Why is Christine O’Donnell trying to bomb Paris with Meghan McCain? Can NATO air defenses hit a demon on a broomstick at 45,000 feet? Can the Eiffel Tower Mosque survive a direct hit by Meghan McCain from that distance? Why does David Cameron simply sit with his thumbs up his bum while our interests are threatened in such a hideous, occult manner? Read more on Saudis Warn French of Christine O’Donnell-Meghan McCain Threat…
  gypsies are people too 'maybe'

France Is Mean To Gypsies

The EU is angry at France for deporting all its Gypsies. Well “sorry” European Union, but France is not going to let the Gypsies, uh, steal all the good jobs: EU Justice Commissioner Viviane Reding has urged the European Commission to take legal action against France over its deportations of Roma (Gypsies). Read more on France Is Mean To Gypsies…
  it's morning in america

Even Communist Europeans Making More Money Than Us

“The business of America is business” said Calvin Coolidge, America’s greatest president; the obvious implication is that the business of America’s enemies, the Foreigns, is using their eight weeks of vacation to sit around in romantic cafes, smoking and discussing their latest extramarital affairs with rueful detachment. That’s why it’s particularly disheartening to learn that America remains a nation of unemployed slobs while European countries like Germany, Spain, and even (shudder) France are doing better. That’s just pathetic, America. Pathetic. Read more on Even Communist Europeans Making More Money Than Us… Read more on Even Communist Europeans Making More Money Than Us…
  i love the '80s

French Being SO MUCH MEANER To Noriega Than We Were

If you want evidence of how far America has fallen, just remember our dear old friend Manuel Noriega, who we were forced to arrest, for appearance’s sake, back in 1989. Just to prove that there were no hard feelings, we called him a prisoner of war and let him have a super-posh prison suite, with private exercise machines and everything. But once his term was up, we handed him over to the French, who convicted him years ago in absentia on money-laundering charges, and who are treating him exactly like they treat every tourist arriving from America (i.e., with contempt). Read more on French Being SO MUCH MEANER To Noriega Than We Were…
  world of bullshit

Sarkozy-Bruni Affair Story Another ‘Internet Thought Experiment’

Hooray, basically all news is now just an experiment by some bored professor or newspaper intern to show that you, the person who reads shit on the Internet all day, will happily repeat and re-blog and re-tweet any fucking thing you hear or see, about anything, instantly, because that’s all people do in 2010. And that means your favorite president of France right now, Nicholas Sarkozy, and Wonkette’s favorite French singer right now (except for maybe Charlotte Gainsbourg), Carla Bruni, are still married and not known to be actually screwing around on each other yet. Read more on Sarkozy-Bruni Affair Story Another ‘Internet Thought Experiment’…
  keeping better company these days

JULI WEINER TALKS TO GOD! Fancy Vanity Fair writer Juli Weiner got the God of France’s voice mail and, well, listen if you dare. [VF Daily]
  earth vs. humans

And Now Nature Turns Against … the French

Guess who also doesn’t get a break? French people! A monstrous Atlantic storm named “Xynthia” smashed into the Atlantic coast of France, destroying many seawalls and motels built by Napoleon and also killing at least 50 people. In France. Jesus, isn’t Western Europe supposed to have eternally bland weather, with “chilly drizzle” being about as Extreme as things get? The political angle here is that, for reasons nobody remembers, Jonah Goldberg will laugh about the French being drowned, because he remembers a very funny line from the hit television cartoon The Simpsons. [BBC News] Read more on And Now Nature Turns Against … the French…
  daily briefing

Obama Makes Arrangements For Less Death, More Money

In his State of the Union Wednesday, Obama will announce a spending freeze for many of America’s domestic programs. As these programs do not include Lost, no one will care. [New York Times] Read more on Obama Makes Arrangements For Less Death, More Money…
  'true story'

Pat Robertson Was Right, Haiti IS ‘Cursed’

Pat Robertson’s PR man, Jeebus, has issued a Statement further proving that Pat Robertson is one of the foremost thinkers of our time: “On today’s The 700 Club, during a segment about the devastation, suffering and humanitarian effort that is needed in Haiti, Dr. Robertson also spoke about Haiti’s history. His comments were based on the widely-discussed 1791 slave rebellion led by Boukman Dutty at Bois Caiman, where the slaves allegedly made a famous pact with the devil in exchange for victory over the French. This history, combined with the horrible state of the country, has led countless scholars and religious figures over the centuries to believe the country is cursed.” And your Wonkette has discovered (“copy-pasted from a real blog”) more information proving that Haiti has in fact been “cursed” since its evil black slave rebellion — not so much by Magical Satan Powers, but by its real-world vehicle of terror: Debt. Read more on Pat Robertson Was Right, Haiti IS ‘Cursed’…
  quaint international quibbles

Nicolas Sarkozy Might Have Sadly Photoshopped His Facebook Photo!

Here is your annual bit of foreign news from the foreign country of France! France’s “President”—think: the equivalent of America’s “minority whip”—Nicolas Sarkozy posted a Facebook photo on his French Facebook in which he is shown personally destroying the Berlin Wall with a Nicolas Sarkozy-sized ax. Except according to historical evidence dating back to November 9th, 1989 A.D., Sarkozy was actually in Paris at the time. According to European-style geography, it would have been impossible for Sarkozy to be both in Paris and also knocking down the Berlin Wall, located in Berlin. Read more on Nicolas Sarkozy Might Have Sadly Photoshopped His Facebook Photo!…
  cocktober

French Culture Minister Loves Doing Thai Boys

Apparently this wasn’t much of a news story when France’s Culture Minister Frederic Mitterrand actually wrote it in 2005, but now that he has supported Roman Polanski, everyone is pointing out the part of his memoir where he admits to loving little boy prostitute cock, in Thailand — the very same crime that Roman Polanski committed in the ’70s at Jack Nicholson’s house. Read more on French Culture Minister Loves Doing Thai Boys…
  le footstool c'est moi

France’s Nicholas Sarkozy Is Starting A World War Of Smalls vs. Talls, In Normandy

“¡Bonjour!” Here is your bit of Foreign News, from the International country of France. France’s “President” (which is like the equivalent of America’s President), Nicholas Sarkozy, went to speak at some auto plant in the Detroit, Michigan region of Normandy. Sarkozy then had the French police divvy up the plant workers into groups of short people and “undesirables.” The undesirables were told to stay away if they know what’s good for them, while the short people were arranged about the 5’5″ Sarkozy in such a way as to make him look taller by comparison. This is called a Sarkozy Complex, and it has plagued many of France’s historical leaders going all the way back to Napoleon. Read more on France’s Nicholas Sarkozy Is Starting A World War Of Smalls vs. Talls, In Normandy…
  wacky bible stories

George W. Bush Asked Jacques Chirac To Invade Iraq With Him Because Of Biblical Alien Space Monsters

A number of you have been sending us this amazing thing out of the blue — Ahh, it was on Sullivan this morning, GOT IT — about a secret chat between French queer Jacques Chirac and American dynamo George W. Bush before the Iraq war, the details of which Chirac has supposedly confirmed: “Incredibly, President George W. Bush told French President Jacques Chirac in early 2003 that Iraq must be invaded to thwart Gog and Magog, the Bible’s satanic agents of the Apocalypse.” Read more on George W. Bush Asked Jacques Chirac To Invade Iraq With Him Because Of Biblical Alien Space Monsters…