Tag: France

Egypt Does Archaeological Dig On Ben Carson’s Brain, Discovers A Idiot

Brilliant neurosurgeon (OR IS HE?) Ben Carson is officially an international disgrace. Congratulations, doctor! You have now joined the elite ranks of several other Republican presidential candidates who have forced foreign nations to "Well, ACTUALLY" them, for their stupidity. Other...

Jeb Bush Surrenders To France, Declares War On Questions

Oh, Jeb. Poor dumb sad sack of cringe-inducing pathetic loser J.E.B. Bush. What kind of stupid did you trip and fall into now? Trying to explain away a prior stupid and just making it worse, as per usual and also as...
Tough questions

Fox News Teaches Dumbass Viewers How To Use New ‘Facebook’ Thing Real Good

BREAKING "FOX & FRIENDS" UPDATE, EVERYONE! Have you heard about the new thing making waves during this election season? It is called "Internets" and it just came out today! And included free of charge on Internets is a new...
How a normal network might report the story

Fox News Knows Obama Personally Ordered Terrorist To Ride That French Train

There's an awful lot to be happy about in the story of the three vacationing Americans, a British executive, and a French passenger who overpowered a would-be terrorist on a high-speed train Friday. Nobody got killed, and even the two...
THOSE CRAZY KIDS!

Sad Mississippi Lovebirds Just Wanted ISIS Honeymoon Of Their Dreams, Is That Wrong?

KIDS THESE DAYS. These two crazy Mississippi kids, Jaelyn Delshaun Young and Muhammad Oka Dakhlalla, had it all, or so they thought. They were in love, they got married, they had planned to fake a honeymoon but instead go...
Yup.

Douchebag Hipsters Named Trevor Would Like A Glass Of Your Finest Rosé Please

First off, apologies to all the Trevors, but we had to pick a name, so we went with Trevor. Or Chase. It could easily be Chase. Would Hunter like to join us? Sup bro? What shall we do this...
On his way to shut down ACORN

Former IMF Chief Dominique Strauss-Kahn May Be Gross Rapey Perv, But He’s No Pimp

Big congratulations go out today to Dominique Strauss-Kahn, the former head of the International Monetary Fund and alleged hotel-maid raper, who was found not guilty Friday on a charge of "aggravated pimping." Strauss-Kahn had been charged back in 2012...
Trust no one

Email From Your Crazy Uncle: John Kerry Didn’t Wreck His Bike, ISIS Tried To Kill Him

Monday, we received an item in our email that was so mind-blowingly important that our minds were literally blown. It is rather messy in the office now. You may have thought that John Kerry was some kind of elitist...
Eat my Lycra bike shorts...which I have the sense not to wear near a photographer

Politico: Look At That Stuck-Up Elitist John Kerry With His Fancy Bicycle!

As you may have heard, Secretary of State John Kerry broke his right femur in a bicycle accident Sunday, and had to stay in a hospital overnight. Ah, but that accident happened in the snotty French country of France, while...
Less charisma than a sleeping basset hound, and nowhere near as cute.

Scott Walker Will Be Best President Of America, Because He’s Been To Europe Like Twice

Despite the fact that presidential candidate Carly Fiorina (R-LOL) has explained that going places on airplanes -- like that know-nothing Hillary Clinton, who used to be Secretary of State -- is not the same thing as actual foreign policy...
Terrifying real news that's verified... to be fake

Paris To Fox News: See You In Court For Being Lying Liars

Now that Fox News has admitted it completely made up a series of stories about supposed "no go zones" in France and England -- districts where the police and other officials supposedly leave local Muslims to run things on...
It's like a French TV version of Wonkette!

Fox News’ Statements No Longer Operative, Osama Bin Laden Not Holed Up In Buckingham Palace

Drudge Sirens! Fox News actually apologized for spreading a completely made-up story about supposed "no-go zones" in England and France -- areas where officials supposedly have agreed to let Muslims run things according to the dictates of Sharia, without...
'Hey there, petulant child.' 'Hey there, failed congressional candidate.'

Obama ‘Petulant Child’ For Depriving Secret Service Of Old French Whores

Hey, you know how Obama completely destroyed American credibility by not flying to Paris for that not-quite-a-march "March of Unity" of world leaders earlier this week? Never mind that if he had gone, we'd be hearing nothing but "How...
David Brooks Is Wrong

Literally Every Sentence David Brooks Says About Paris Shootings Is Wrong (VIDEO)

Sometimes David Brooks says things that are true or correct. However, this does not occur in the above clip from Meet the Press, a popular television fiasco. Not even once! Can we divide David Brooks' clump of TV words into...

Morning Maddow: Paris Attackers Didn’t Just Come Out of Nowhere, Imagine That (Video)

Friday's Rachel Maddow Show led off with the kind of reporting you don't see enough of, but that you'd think 24-hour news would be ideally suited for: a fairly in-depth look at the modern history of terror by Islamic...
Good plan

Republicans Demand Obama Declare Holy War, Invade France

It used to be that Republicans wouldn't have to hate President Obama so much if only he had the Dad Jeans to call terrorist attacks by their rightful name, which he has never done. But that was ages ago, and...