Tag Archives: France

  kooks

Vatican Advisor Says True Thing

We here at Wonkette mostly luuuuurve our new pope, New Pope. He is a communist (communism!)! He saved and returned all his newspaper rubber bands every month (loves the environment!)! He went to the slums and did Mass for hookers (like Bizarro American Jesus!)! He did his own cooking and lived in a little apartment and took the bus instead of living in the bishop’s mansion (not greedy!)! He was against priests diddling little children (totally weird!)! He washed girl feet, and Muslim feet, and told the priests to get over themselves already (totally blasphemous!)! He was almost the pope last time around, which meant he was the choice of the liberal cardinals as opposed to Pope Nazi, FOR WHOM WE DID NOT PARTICULARLY CARE. Some of you have your cavils with New Pope, including his reported participation in Argentina’s Dirty War. But others, including the Nobel winner who exposed it, said he was working behind the scenes to pressure the junta. (Perhaps he was not saintly enough to be martyred, but he was not an accomplice.) Do you care? No, you would like to believe the worst, because sometimes you are TERRIBLE. (Also, the billion-member Catholic Church isn’t going away anytime soon, so maybe stop being Naderites letting the perfect be the enemy of the good. Lecture over? MAYBE.) Anyway, the Vatican’s US legal advisor, Edward Peters, whom we do not luuuuurve quite so much as New Pope, said a true thing, and that true thing was this: He said that the dude who shot himself on Notre Dame’s altar, to protest France legalizing gay marriage, made anti-gay-marriage folk look like “kooks.” That is about right, Edward Peters! Read more on Vatican Advisor Says True Thing…
  le sigh

Right-Wing Bigot Commits Le Suicide To Wake Up France About Les Gays

There are many wonderful ways to voice your dissent on political issues of the day. You could, for example, put a bumper sticker on your car, which is highly effective. Or you could write a sternly worded letter to the powers that be. Or wave signs. Or put on a funny-looking hat with teabags hanging from it. But you know what is ALL KINDS OF FUCKED UP? Shooting yourself in the head on the altar at Notre Dame (the actual Notre Dame, not that college in the middle of Nowhere, Indiana) because of THE GAYS. That, friends, is ALL KINDS OF FUCKED UP. Unless you’re Madame La le Bigot, in which case, it is a “spectacular” and peachy way to wake up your fellow countrymen to the imminent threat of les gays. Read more on Right-Wing Bigot Commits Le Suicide To Wake Up France About Les Gays…
  manger le riche

Gerard Depardieu Pees On France

The last time we heard from potato-faced “sex” symbol Gerard Depardieu, he was peeing all over the aisle of an airplane because a stewardess didn’t wash his socks or something. Now he is peeing on the entire nation of France, because he doesn’t like paying his taxes. That’s right, France, your gain (of having Gerard Depardieu move to Belgium) is Belgium’s loss (having Gerard Depardieu move to Belgium). Read more on Gerard Depardieu Pees On France…
  the horror

CNN Tells Of Harrowing Dangers Mitt Romney Faced In 1968 France (While Avoiding The Vietnam War)

Perhaps you thought Mitt Romney’s time in France, in 1968, while raking in Dick Cheney-level numbers of military deferments from serving in Vietnam, was all sunshine and brie. Well CNN’s “Romney Revealed” has another think coming at you! “In 1968, France was a dangerous place to be for a 21-year-old American, but Mitt Romney was right in the middle of it,” says Gloria Borger. You guys, there were “protests, and there were marches”! There weren’t napalmings or burning villages or fraggings or snipers, but there were definitely marches! Read more on CNN Tells Of Harrowing Dangers Mitt Romney Faced In 1968 France (While Avoiding The Vietnam War)…
  You Say You Want A Revolution?

Sundays With The Christianists: A ‘World History’ Textbook For Your Home-Schooled Darlings

Welcome back, hearty Time Tourists, to our continued explorations of a 10th-grade textbook for homeschoolers, World History and Cultures In Christian Perspective (A Beka Book, 1997). We’re up to the 18th century now, so you know what that means! The Age Of Enlightenment, that heady time when brilliant thinkers like Locke, Voltaire, Rousseau, Jefferson, and Paine freed the human mind from the darkness of superstition and tyranny, bringing a new spirit of egalitarianism and liberty! Or, more likely, tyranny, atheism, and death! Read more on Sundays With The Christianists: A ‘World History’ Textbook For Your Home-Schooled Darlings…
  flotus files

Michelle Obama Does Topless Magazine Cover For Filthy Europeans

Here is the great news for those of us who have longed for some FLOTUS in our lives these past few days: Michelle Obama is involved in another scandal again, and surprise surprise, it involves Spain and France and being an African and, oh wait, NUDITY. And once our nation’s bucket hat-wearing slobs and zombie white ladies finish fantasizing about what Clint Eastwood would say to them if they were an empty chair (gross!) they will probably get around to being “appalled” that our First Lady is a naked slave on a foreign magazine. Or they will fight for as many copies as they can get their creepy, trembling hands on. Actually, they will probably experience both of these reactions simultaneously. So what now, Ann Romney, homemaker/equestrian? Read more on Michelle Obama Does Topless Magazine Cover For Filthy Europeans…
  oooh la la

Arab Media Chokes On ‘His Penis’

As France’s new president, François Hollande (in his little suit), is busy making German Chancellor Angela Merkel believe in stimulation, he’s also been filling up his 34-person cabinet with women (17!), non-Parisians (18!), people under 40 (7!), and fierce anti-globalists (1!). His picks have been described as “moderates,” but the wingnuts over at The Independent Sentinel are probably saying pfftttt! to that because “They are already beyond the pale in France. A friend of mine just told me that if you have four children on welfare in France, they give you a car.” Réveillez-vous, moutonnes! (Wake up, sheeple!) The world media is trying to keep up with it all, feverishly doing backgrounders about each new appointee, including a certain Jean-Marc Ayrault, who was selected as the new French Prime Minister. This created a leetle problem for the Arabic media because… Mr. Ayrault’s name is pronounced Ayro, which in Arabic translates to “his penis.” Read more on Arab Media Chokes On ‘His Penis’…
  all hail presidente cuervo

Happy ‘It’s Not Mexican Independence’ Day!

It is Tequila and Mini-Sombreros Day in America, hooray! It always seems like Cinco de Mayo should be Mexican Independence Day — dressing to match a national flag and getting wasted on a holiday named after its date on the calendar is how independence days are done, right? But today is actually the day when much of the United States unwittingly celebrates a Mexican military victory in 1862 over the asshole French army of Napoleon III that was in the process of trying to swoop in for some colonial sloppy seconds and take over the country (which they did, briefly). How did this become an American holiday? New historical research from a UCLA professor provides an idea of the celebration’s earliest appearance in the United States, and it is lovely. Read more on Happy ‘It’s Not Mexican Independence’ Day!…
  colonel of truth

Nicolas Sarkozy In Bedouin With Gaddafi

With only seven days to go until the final round of voting in France’s presidential election, some lefty terrorist media organization published documentary evidence that Nicolas Sarkozy was promised 50 Million freedom fries in campaign contributions from snappy dresser and all around nice guy Muammar Gaddafi. Here’s what’s in the little letter of money promises, from the BBC: The document – dated 2006 and written in Arabic – appears to have been signed by the then Libyan foreign intelligence chief Musa Kusa. It refers to an “agreement in principle to support the campaign for the candidate for the presidential elections, Nicolas Sarkozy, for a sum equivalent to 50m euros.” The first sniff of intrigue actually came in March 2011 in the form of a TeeVee interview with mad dog’s puppy, Saif al-Islam Gadhafi, after Sarkozy recognized the Libyan opposition’s National Transition Council as a legitimate government. Son of a madman had this to say to Monsieur Sarkozy: “Sarkozy must first give back the money he took from Libya to finance his electoral campaign. We funded it and we have all the details and are ready to reveal everything. … The first thing we want this clown to do is to give the money back to the Libyan people. He was given the assistance so he could help them, but he has disappointed us. Give us back our money.” Read more on Nicolas Sarkozy In Bedouin With Gaddafi…
  history is for crazy people

Rick Santorum Describes First Amendment As … French Guillotine?

What is loopy church lady Rick Santorum whining about now? As he goes crazier, in public, Santorum has stopped bothering with traditional approaches to speaking and now just tosses out “They” a couple of times, mentions religion and then throws in France, for weird measure — and he pronounces “France” as guillotine. It’s marvelous. But he is attacking the First Amendment of the U.S. Constitution here, is he not? Will Rick Santorum finally demand the repeal of the Bill of Rights? Read more on Rick Santorum Describes First Amendment As … French Guillotine?…
  energy in the news

French Nuclear Waste Dump Explodes, Kenyan Oil Pipeline Explodes

How is the world of energy going, today? Not so well! In the non-German, still-nuke-having European land of France, a nuclear waste dump in Marcoule exploded. At least one person is dead and several are injured and of course there is “no danger” until, like every recent nuclear disaster, the entire province is pronounced off limits to humanity for the next 10,000 years. (The Fox News-esque British deadpan comedy blog Daily Mail marks the explosion with the headline, “Marcoule explosion: Is the tide of anti-nuclear irrationality on the turn?”) And in Barack Obama’s socialist “Aloha State” of Kenya, a gigantic oil pipeline exploded in a heavily populated slum of Nairobi, killing at least a hundred. Read more on French Nuclear Waste Dump Explodes, Kenyan Oil Pipeline Explodes…
  freedom comes to town

Actual Palin/Beck Reign of Terror To Kick Off With Night of Family Fun

Good thing you did not waste your pathetic paycheck on those Donny and Marie tickets, because America’s other tragic duo is heading to good ol’ St. Louis this October, to sing some songs about Freedom! “Defending the Republic” promises fun for the whole family, and will feature lessons, comedy, and Sarah Palin scratching her fingernails across Glenn Beck’s chalkboard. The name of this rally seems to suggest that perhaps there will also be some French people guillotining each others’ heads off, but probably not because Glenn Beck does not like the French, except for the ones that are fried. How will America handle so much raw, unapologetic patriotism in one Family Arena? Read more on Actual Palin/Beck Reign of Terror To Kick Off With Night of Family Fun…
  robots running everything

From France, Obama Forces His Robot To Sign Patriot Act Renewal

Republicans and Democrats came together to oppose the renewal of the Patriot Act — which lets the government do literally whatever it wants to anyone, anywhere — and then other Republicans and Democrats came together in bigger numbers to approve the renewal of the Patriot Act. So if you were planning on doing anything vaguely terrorist-y like talking on the phone or using public transportation, rest assured that you are still under surveillance. But the interesting part of this story is that President Obama couldn’t sign the bill because he is in France, having a very lovely vacation. Couldn’t Joe Biden sign off? Apparently not! Plus, he is super busy returning Obama’s calls. So Barack Obama ordered his handwriting robot to sign the bill into law, and that’s apparently okey-dokey with the Constitution. A robot! Let’s hope it was at least assembled in the USA. Read more on From France, Obama Forces His Robot To Sign Patriot Act Renewal…
  L'hotel particulier

Guy In Charge of World’s Money Jailed For Sex Attack On Hotel Maid

How are the people in charge of the money treating the people who serve the people in charge of the money these days? Still not so good, it seems! International Monetary Fund chief Dominique Strauss-Kahn was hauled off an Air France flight just before departing New York, all because the cops say he tried to rape a hotel maid and then made a hasty departure for the airport. (Also: These sorts of people have “standing access to Air France’s business class,” so there’s no need to make reservations or whatever. The good life!) Maybe some world leader did something nice over the weekend, too. Who knows. Does Google News have a section for that? Read more on Guy In Charge of World’s Money Jailed For Sex Attack On Hotel Maid…
  madam i'm adam too hot to hoot

Subterranean Romney Blues

On this dumb American night when Tracy Morgan is announcing his exploratory committee and an “anal sex joke” named Rick Santorum still gets Campaign 2012 news coverage, let’s all remember poor little rich boy Mitt Romney. He’s been running for president since approximately 1965, which was just about when Maureen Dowd first heard “Subterranean Homesick Blues” and freaked the hell out because Dylan “went electric” and also hired Chairman Mao to play the Hammond B-3 organ. Mitt Romney did not care for the radical-socialist peace-nik culture, however. He did not care for this at all! The America of 1965 was such an assault on Mitt’s delicate sensibilities that he moved to France in 1966. This is completely true and a tragically forgotten part of The Mitt Romney Story. Read more on Subterranean Romney Blues…
  it's morning in america

World Powers Deeply Concerned For Humanity, Debate No-Fly Zone

Gadhafi has tens of billions of dollars stashed all over Tripoli, according to anonymous “American intelligence officials” who probably just pulled that estimate out of their hairy cornholes. So despite an international freeze on all of Gadhafi’s assets, The Crazy Colonel could still easily bankroll his mercenary army for 1,000 years, unless of course NATO reluctantly intervenes and saves all that delicious oil, reluctantly. Meanwhile, NATO defense ministers are meeting today to discuss the possibility of implementing a no-fly zone over Libya, and other “international responses” to this civil war. France has already recognized Libya’s rebel leadership, and Obama says he will wait for “European and Arab support” before we invade — what a gentleman! When NATO does eventually intervene, it will be for “humanitarian purposes,” just like when the Concerned World Powers invaded Sudan and stopped the ongoing genocide in Darfur! Haha. [NYT/CNN] Read more on World Powers Deeply Concerned For Humanity, Debate No-Fly Zone… Read more on World Powers Deeply Concerned For Humanity, Debate No-Fly Zone…