Tag Archives: France

  I see England I see France I can see Russia from my house

Scott Walker Will Be Best President Of America, Because He’s Been To Europe Like Twice

Less charisma than a sleeping basset hound, and nowhere near as cute.
Despite the fact that presidential candidate Carly Fiorina (R-LOL) has explained that going places on airplanes — like that know-nothing Hillary Clinton, who used to be Secretary of State — is not the same thing as actual foreign policy experience, her likely rival for the nomination, Gov. Scott Walker of Wisconsin (R-Zzzzzzz), apparently is not paying attention, because he told Bob Schieffer on Face The Nation that he will be so much better of a president than Hillary Clinton, because the places he went to on airplanes are nice, and the places Hillary Clinton went to on airplanes suckity suck, and are also Benghazi: Read more on Scott Walker Will Be Best President Of America, Because He’s Been To Europe Like Twice…
  Fox To Call For French Tort Reform

Paris To Fox News: See You In Court For Being Lying Liars

Terrifying real news that's verified... to be fake
Now that Fox News has admitted it completely made up a series of stories about supposed “no go zones” in France and England — districts where the police and other officials supposedly leave local Muslims to run things on their own and create little islands of Sharia where no non-Muslim dare enter — the mayor of Paris, Anne Hidalgo, says she’s planning to sue Fox News for lying about Her Fair City: Read more on Paris To Fox News: See You In Court For Being Lying Liars…
  Fox Apology For Benghazi Coverage Scheduled For June 2019

Fox News’ Statements No Longer Operative, Osama Bin Laden Not Holed Up In Buckingham Palace

It's like a French TV version of Wonkette!
Drudge Sirens! Fox News actually apologized for spreading a completely made-up story about supposed “no-go zones” in England and France — areas where officials supposedly have agreed to let Muslims run things according to the dictates of Sharia, without interference from police or fire services, and where non-Muslims enter at the risk of their own lives. On Saturday night, when even Fox News addicts aren’t watching TV, Fox’s Julie Banderas offered this “correction” to a myth the network had been pushing since shortly after the terrorist attacks in Paris: Read more on Fox News’ Statements No Longer Operative, Osama Bin Laden Not Holed Up In Buckingham Palace…
  With Protectors Like This...

Obama ‘Petulant Child’ For Depriving Secret Service Of Old French Whores

'Hey there, petulant child.' 'Hey there, failed congressional candidate.'
Image from “The Secret Service Agent Workout Routine,” Muscle & Fitness Magazine Hey, you know how Obama completely destroyed American credibility by not flying to Paris for that not-quite-a-march “March of Unity” of world leaders earlier this week? Never mind that if he had gone, we’d be hearing nothing but “How dare he waste all our taxpayer moneys gallivanting around with cheese-eaters who weren’t even in the actual march!” Read more on Obama ‘Petulant Child’ For Depriving Secret Service Of Old French Whores…
  Must Be A Day Ending In Y

Literally Every Sentence David Brooks Says About Paris Shootings Is Wrong (VIDEO)

David Brooks Is Wrong
Sometimes David Brooks says things that are true or correct. However, this does not occur in the above clip from Meet the Press, a popular television fiasco. Not even once! Can we divide David Brooks’ clump of TV words into complete sentences and explain why each of them is wrong? We can. Read more on Literally Every Sentence David Brooks Says About Paris Shootings Is Wrong (VIDEO)…
  Your Morning Maddow

Morning Maddow: Paris Attackers Didn’t Just Come Out of Nowhere, Imagine That (Video)

Friday’s Rachel Maddow Show led off with the kind of reporting you don’t see enough of, but that you’d think 24-hour news would be ideally suited for: a fairly in-depth look at the modern history of terror by Islamic radicals in France (which is also wrapped up with that country’s former colony, Algeria), and how it connects to the attacks in Paris last week. As it turns out, two of the terrorists in that attack were involved in a failed 2010 prison break plot to free one of the perpetrators of a 1995 train station bombing in Paris. It’s fascinating stuff, and a reminder that terrorism and terrorists don’t just come out of nowhere. And no, Fox News, knowing the history and motivations is not “making excuses” for terrorism. Read more on Morning Maddow: Paris Attackers Didn’t Just Come Out of Nowhere, Imagine That (Video)…
  Yup this should work

Republicans Demand Obama Declare Holy War, Invade France

Good plan
It used to be that Republicans wouldn’t have to hate President Obama so much if only he had the Dad Jeans to call terrorist attacks by their rightful name, which he has never done. But that was ages ago, and now that the president, ever the appeaser, has started using the T-word for the first time ever, there’s a whole new standard. Sure, the president said the slaughter at Parisian satirical magazine Charlie Hebdo’s office was a “terrorist attack” and that his administration would “help bring these terrorists to justice.” But that’s still sort of wishy-washy in today’s even more terroristical climate, don’t you think? How do we know he really, truly understands the seriousness of a terrorist attack if he’s only willing to call it a terrorist attack? Read more on Republicans Demand Obama Declare Holy War, Invade France…
  Wouldn't A Strongly Worded Letter Have Been Enough?

All Muslims Everywhere Murder French Satirists; Lone Wolf Acting Alone ‘Bombs’ NAACP, Alone

the very definition of 'milling around'
We’ve got all sorts of international and domestic terrorism for you this morning; please make use of kitten photos as needed. In Paris Tuesday, 12 people were shot to death at a satirical newspaper that had frequently run cartoons making fun of Islam: Read more on All Muslims Everywhere Murder French Satirists; Lone Wolf Acting Alone ‘Bombs’ NAACP, Alone…
  You know who else yadda yadda

French City Real Mad They’re Not Allowed To Put Nazi Triangles On The Homeless, TO HELP THEM

Maybe they just need some health care?
You would think we’ve all learned our lesson about forcing certain segments of the population to wear yellow thingies on their clothes so we can easily identify them and say “Ewwwwww, you’re one of those people.” But in the French city of Marseille, officials forgot history and were condemned to try to repeat it. Read more on French City Real Mad They’re Not Allowed To Put Nazi Triangles On The Homeless, TO HELP THEM…
  humanum

Vatican Throws Festival Of Homophobia

  What you see above is not, despite all appearances, your freshman roomie’s botched and infected yin-yang tattoo, but a symbol of unity and celebration! It celebrates the matched sets of opposite-sexers who keep our planet from flying apart, according to the organizers of “Humanum: An International Interreligious Colloquium on the Complementarity of Man and Woman,” held this week at the Vatican. Read more on Vatican Throws Festival Of Homophobia…
  Liberte Egalite Aborte

France To Abort Everyone For Free Now, Pretty Much

Something seems a little off here...
France is enacting a new abortion law that seems aimed at reinforcing every possible rightwing American stereotype of that country, except perhaps for surrendering in a war: It amends the country’s current law, which allows abortion only if a pregnant women can prove “distress.” The new law also bans any attempt to restrict women from getting information about abortion services. The National Assembly voted in January to change the law, despite the country’s Roman Catholic majority. The Minister for Women’s Rights, Najat Vallaud-Belkacem, said during debate that “abortion is a right in itself and not something that is allowed subject to conditions.” Read more on France To Abort Everyone For Free Now, Pretty Much…
  never-surrender monkeys

Snotty French Tire Factory Workers Take Bosses Hostage, Demand All The Brie

Hey, Fox News! You know what class warfare is? Class warfare is not someone pointing out that CEO pay has increased enormously while middle-class wages have stagnated or fallen in real terms. Class warfare is maybe something a little more like this: Workers at a French tyre factory threatened with closure have taken two company executives hostage and promised to hold them until given “enormous amounts of money”. The two managers were scheduled to meet with union representatives Monday at the Goodyear factory in north Amiens, but instead about 200 workers showed up and blocked the door of the conference room with a huge tractor tire. It’s still not lopping off heads, but yes, definitely closer to class war, we would say, n’est-ce pas? Also, Yr Wonkette fully endorses the use of big honkin’ tractor tires as tools of class struggle. Read more on Snotty French Tire Factory Workers Take Bosses Hostage, Demand All The Brie…
  kooks

Vatican Advisor Says True Thing

We here at Wonkette mostly luuuuurve our new pope, New Pope. He is a communist (communism!)! He saved and returned all his newspaper rubber bands every month (loves the environment!)! He went to the slums and did Mass for hookers (like Bizarro American Jesus!)! He did his own cooking and lived in a little apartment and took the bus instead of living in the bishop’s mansion (not greedy!)! He was against priests diddling little children (totally weird!)! He washed girl feet, and Muslim feet, and told the priests to get over themselves already (totally blasphemous!)! He was almost the pope last time around, which meant he was the choice of the liberal cardinals as opposed to Pope Nazi, FOR WHOM WE DID NOT PARTICULARLY CARE. Some of you have your cavils with New Pope, including his reported participation in Argentina’s Dirty War. But others, including the Nobel winner who exposed it, said he was working behind the scenes to pressure the junta. (Perhaps he was not saintly enough to be martyred, but he was not an accomplice.) Do you care? No, you would like to believe the worst, because sometimes you are TERRIBLE. (Also, the billion-member Catholic Church isn’t going away anytime soon, so maybe stop being Naderites letting the perfect be the enemy of the good. Lecture over? MAYBE.) Anyway, the Vatican’s US legal advisor, Edward Peters, whom we do not luuuuurve quite so much as New Pope, said a true thing, and that true thing was this: He said that the dude who shot himself on Notre Dame’s altar, to protest France legalizing gay marriage, made anti-gay-marriage folk look like “kooks.” That is about right, Edward Peters! Read more on Vatican Advisor Says True Thing…
  le sigh

Right-Wing Bigot Commits Le Suicide To Wake Up France About Les Gays

There are many wonderful ways to voice your dissent on political issues of the day. You could, for example, put a bumper sticker on your car, which is highly effective. Or you could write a sternly worded letter to the powers that be. Or wave signs. Or put on a funny-looking hat with teabags hanging from it. But you know what is ALL KINDS OF FUCKED UP? Shooting yourself in the head on the altar at Notre Dame (the actual Notre Dame, not that college in the middle of Nowhere, Indiana) because of THE GAYS. That, friends, is ALL KINDS OF FUCKED UP. Unless you’re Madame La le Bigot, in which case, it is a “spectacular” and peachy way to wake up your fellow countrymen to the imminent threat of les gays. Read more on Right-Wing Bigot Commits Le Suicide To Wake Up France About Les Gays…
  manger le riche

Gerard Depardieu Pees On France

The last time we heard from potato-faced “sex” symbol Gerard Depardieu, he was peeing all over the aisle of an airplane because a stewardess didn’t wash his socks or something. Now he is peeing on the entire nation of France, because he doesn’t like paying his taxes. That’s right, France, your gain (of having Gerard Depardieu move to Belgium) is Belgium’s loss (having Gerard Depardieu move to Belgium). Read more on Gerard Depardieu Pees On France…
  the horror

CNN Tells Of Harrowing Dangers Mitt Romney Faced In 1968 France (While Avoiding The Vietnam War)

Perhaps you thought Mitt Romney’s time in France, in 1968, while raking in Dick Cheney-level numbers of military deferments from serving in Vietnam, was all sunshine and brie. Well CNN’s “Romney Revealed” has another think coming at you! “In 1968, France was a dangerous place to be for a 21-year-old American, but Mitt Romney was right in the middle of it,” says Gloria Borger. You guys, there were “protests, and there were marches”! There weren’t napalmings or burning villages or fraggings or snipers, but there were definitely marches! Read more on CNN Tells Of Harrowing Dangers Mitt Romney Faced In 1968 France (While Avoiding The Vietnam War)…
  You Say You Want A Revolution?

Sundays With The Christianists: A ‘World History’ Textbook For Your Home-Schooled Darlings

Welcome back, hearty Time Tourists, to our continued explorations of a 10th-grade textbook for homeschoolers, World History and Cultures In Christian Perspective (A Beka Book, 1997). We’re up to the 18th century now, so you know what that means! The Age Of Enlightenment, that heady time when brilliant thinkers like Locke, Voltaire, Rousseau, Jefferson, and Paine freed the human mind from the darkness of superstition and tyranny, bringing a new spirit of egalitarianism and liberty! Or, more likely, tyranny, atheism, and death! Read more on Sundays With The Christianists: A ‘World History’ Textbook For Your Home-Schooled Darlings…
  flotus files

Michelle Obama Does Topless Magazine Cover For Filthy Europeans

Here is the great news for those of us who have longed for some FLOTUS in our lives these past few days: Michelle Obama is involved in another scandal again, and surprise surprise, it involves Spain and France and being an African and, oh wait, NUDITY. And once our nation’s bucket hat-wearing slobs and zombie white ladies finish fantasizing about what Clint Eastwood would say to them if they were an empty chair (gross!) they will probably get around to being “appalled” that our First Lady is a naked slave on a foreign magazine. Or they will fight for as many copies as they can get their creepy, trembling hands on. Actually, they will probably experience both of these reactions simultaneously. So what now, Ann Romney, homemaker/equestrian? Read more on Michelle Obama Does Topless Magazine Cover For Filthy Europeans…
  oooh la la

Arab Media Chokes On ‘His Penis’

As France’s new president, François Hollande (in his little suit), is busy making German Chancellor Angela Merkel believe in stimulation, he’s also been filling up his 34-person cabinet with women (17!), non-Parisians (18!), people under 40 (7!), and fierce anti-globalists (1!). His picks have been described as “moderates,” but the wingnuts over at The Independent Sentinel are probably saying pfftttt! to that because “They are already beyond the pale in France. A friend of mine just told me that if you have four children on welfare in France, they give you a car.” Réveillez-vous, moutonnes! (Wake up, sheeple!) The world media is trying to keep up with it all, feverishly doing backgrounders about each new appointee, including a certain Jean-Marc Ayrault, who was selected as the new French Prime Minister. This created a leetle problem for the Arabic media because… Mr. Ayrault’s name is pronounced Ayro, which in Arabic translates to “his penis.” Read more on Arab Media Chokes On ‘His Penis’…
  all hail presidente cuervo

Happy ‘It’s Not Mexican Independence’ Day!

It is Tequila and Mini-Sombreros Day in America, hooray! It always seems like Cinco de Mayo should be Mexican Independence Day — dressing to match a national flag and getting wasted on a holiday named after its date on the calendar is how independence days are done, right? But today is actually the day when much of the United States unwittingly celebrates a Mexican military victory in 1862 over the asshole French army of Napoleon III that was in the process of trying to swoop in for some colonial sloppy seconds and take over the country (which they did, briefly). How did this become an American holiday? New historical research from a UCLA professor provides an idea of the celebration’s earliest appearance in the United States, and it is lovely. Read more on Happy ‘It’s Not Mexican Independence’ Day!…
  colonel of truth

Nicolas Sarkozy In Bedouin With Gaddafi

With only seven days to go until the final round of voting in France’s presidential election, some lefty terrorist media organization published documentary evidence that Nicolas Sarkozy was promised 50 Million freedom fries in campaign contributions from snappy dresser and all around nice guy Muammar Gaddafi. Here’s what’s in the little letter of money promises, from the BBC: The document – dated 2006 and written in Arabic – appears to have been signed by the then Libyan foreign intelligence chief Musa Kusa. It refers to an “agreement in principle to support the campaign for the candidate for the presidential elections, Nicolas Sarkozy, for a sum equivalent to 50m euros.” The first sniff of intrigue actually came in March 2011 in the form of a TeeVee interview with mad dog’s puppy, Saif al-Islam Gadhafi, after Sarkozy recognized the Libyan opposition’s National Transition Council as a legitimate government. Son of a madman had this to say to Monsieur Sarkozy: “Sarkozy must first give back the money he took from Libya to finance his electoral campaign. We funded it and we have all the details and are ready to reveal everything. … The first thing we want this clown to do is to give the money back to the Libyan people. He was given the assistance so he could help them, but he has disappointed us. Give us back our money.” Read more on Nicolas Sarkozy In Bedouin With Gaddafi…