Tag Archives: France

  They Could Have Been Heroes Just For One Day

Fox News Knows Obama Personally Ordered Terrorist To Ride That French Train

How a normal network might report the story
How a normal network might report the story There’s an awful lot to be happy about in the story of the three vacationing Americans, a British executive, and a French passenger who overpowered a would-be terrorist on a high-speed train Friday. Nobody got killed, and even the two people who were slashed by the bad guy’s knife are going to be fine. On Monday, four of the hero passengers were awarded France’s highest civilian medal, the Legion d’Honneur. So: a whole lot of good to say about the decency and heroism of ordinary people willing to risk their lives to protect complete strangers. Read more on Fox News Knows Obama Personally Ordered Terrorist To Ride That French Train…
  Worst Honeymoon EVER

Sad Mississippi Lovebirds Just Wanted ISIS Honeymoon Of Their Dreams, Is That Wrong?

THOSE CRAZY KIDS!
THOSE CRAZY KIDS! KIDS THESE DAYS. These two crazy Mississippi kids, Jaelyn Delshaun Young and Muhammad Oka Dakhlalla, had it all, or so they thought. They were in love, they got married, they had planned to fake a honeymoon but instead go fight with ISIS in Syria, they picked out this cute little house on the outskirts of town with a white picket, WAIT WHAT? Why you gotta do ISIS, y’all? What about “the beach” or “France” or “oh fuck it, we’re poor, let’s just drive to Memphis for the weekend?” Ugh, you idiots: Read more on Sad Mississippi Lovebirds Just Wanted ISIS Honeymoon Of Their Dreams, Is That Wrong?…
  Brosé before José

Douchebag Hipsters Named Trevor Would Like A Glass Of Your Finest Rosé Please

Yup.
First off, apologies to all the Trevors, but we had to pick a name, so we went with Trevor. Or Chase. It could easily be Chase. Would Hunter like to join us? Sup bro? What shall we do this evening, with our hipster, trend piece, easily marketed to, Instagram-American selves? Well, why don’t we drink a really disgusting wine, which marketing executives and professional trendsetters have been trying to rebrand as something OTHER than “it is TOO different from white zinfandel, because it is French, which makes it CLASSY, even though it kind of tastes like mouth herpes”? Anyway, meet some bros who are into rosé, and who call it “brosé,” because putting the word “bro” into other words is a super cute pun, but in a manly way: Read more on Douchebag Hipsters Named Trevor Would Like A Glass Of Your Finest Rosé Please…
  Not So Hard Out There For A Pimp

Former IMF Chief Dominique Strauss-Kahn May Be Gross Rapey Perv, But He’s No Pimp

On his way to shut down ACORN
Big congratulations go out today to Dominique Strauss-Kahn, the former head of the International Monetary Fund and alleged hotel-maid raper, who was found not guilty Friday on a charge of “aggravated pimping.” Strauss-Kahn had been charged back in 2012 with getting his freak on with actual sex piles of prostitutes at sybaritic rich-people sex parties at a number of hotels in Lille, France, because he is a plutocrat and that’s how he rolls. But now he is officially innocent, and is only a gross sex perv, not a criminal gross sex perv. Man leads a charmed life! Read more on Former IMF Chief Dominique Strauss-Kahn May Be Gross Rapey Perv, But He’s No Pimp…
  now it can be told

Email From Your Crazy Uncle: John Kerry Didn’t Wreck His Bike, ISIS Tried To Kill Him

Trust no one
Monday, we received an item in our email that was so mind-blowingly important that our minds were literally blown. It is rather messy in the office now. You may have thought that John Kerry was some kind of elitist sissy bicyclist who broke his effete right femur while cycling in the French Alps, but that just means that you’re another dupe of the lamestream media. Now the real story can be told, according to tipster “danielking4” at redacted dot redacted, in a message addressed to Wonkette and at least 30 other news organizations. Read more on Email From Your Crazy Uncle: John Kerry Didn’t Wreck His Bike, ISIS Tried To Kill Him…
  This Is What Happens When You Find A Danger In The Alps

Politico: Look At That Stuck-Up Elitist John Kerry With His Fancy Bicycle!

Eat my Lycra bike shorts...which I have the sense not to wear near a photographer
As you may have heard, Secretary of State John Kerry broke his right femur in a bicycle accident Sunday, and had to stay in a hospital overnight. Ah, but that accident happened in the snotty French country of France, while Kerry was riding a portion of the fancy la-dee-dah French Tour de France route in the Alps, where only rich snobs ride bikes. And it wasn’t just any hospital, it was a hospital in Geneva, Switzerland, which is where rich Eurotrash go when they fall off their elitist skis, too. This is obviously worth some bigtime Think Piecing, which is why Politico treated us Monday to a whole long analysis piece of how John Kerry’s career has been “marked by physical and political mishaps.” Or, in tl;dr form: Guy crashes bike, what a snob! Still, Politico sure has some damning evidence that John Kerry is America’s Greatest Wealthy Fuckup: Read more on Politico: Look At That Stuck-Up Elitist John Kerry With His Fancy Bicycle!…
  I see England I see France I can see Russia from my house

Scott Walker Will Be Best President Of America, Because He’s Been To Europe Like Twice

Less charisma than a sleeping basset hound, and nowhere near as cute.
Despite the fact that presidential candidate Carly Fiorina (R-LOL) has explained that going places on airplanes — like that know-nothing Hillary Clinton, who used to be Secretary of State — is not the same thing as actual foreign policy experience, her likely rival for the nomination, Gov. Scott Walker of Wisconsin (R-Zzzzzzz), apparently is not paying attention, because he told Bob Schieffer on Face The Nation that he will be so much better of a president than Hillary Clinton, because the places he went to on airplanes are nice, and the places Hillary Clinton went to on airplanes suckity suck, and are also Benghazi: Read more on Scott Walker Will Be Best President Of America, Because He’s Been To Europe Like Twice…
  Fox To Call For French Tort Reform

Paris To Fox News: See You In Court For Being Lying Liars

Terrifying real news that's verified... to be fake
Now that Fox News has admitted it completely made up a series of stories about supposed “no go zones” in France and England — districts where the police and other officials supposedly leave local Muslims to run things on their own and create little islands of Sharia where no non-Muslim dare enter — the mayor of Paris, Anne Hidalgo, says she’s planning to sue Fox News for lying about Her Fair City: Read more on Paris To Fox News: See You In Court For Being Lying Liars…
  Fox Apology For Benghazi Coverage Scheduled For June 2019

Fox News’ Statements No Longer Operative, Osama Bin Laden Not Holed Up In Buckingham Palace

It's like a French TV version of Wonkette!
Drudge Sirens! Fox News actually apologized for spreading a completely made-up story about supposed “no-go zones” in England and France — areas where officials supposedly have agreed to let Muslims run things according to the dictates of Sharia, without interference from police or fire services, and where non-Muslims enter at the risk of their own lives. On Saturday night, when even Fox News addicts aren’t watching TV, Fox’s Julie Banderas offered this “correction” to a myth the network had been pushing since shortly after the terrorist attacks in Paris: Read more on Fox News’ Statements No Longer Operative, Osama Bin Laden Not Holed Up In Buckingham Palace…
  With Protectors Like This...

Obama ‘Petulant Child’ For Depriving Secret Service Of Old French Whores

'Hey there, petulant child.' 'Hey there, failed congressional candidate.'
Image from “The Secret Service Agent Workout Routine,” Muscle & Fitness Magazine Hey, you know how Obama completely destroyed American credibility by not flying to Paris for that not-quite-a-march “March of Unity” of world leaders earlier this week? Never mind that if he had gone, we’d be hearing nothing but “How dare he waste all our taxpayer moneys gallivanting around with cheese-eaters who weren’t even in the actual march!” Read more on Obama ‘Petulant Child’ For Depriving Secret Service Of Old French Whores…
  Must Be A Day Ending In Y

Literally Every Sentence David Brooks Says About Paris Shootings Is Wrong (VIDEO)

David Brooks Is Wrong
Sometimes David Brooks says things that are true or correct. However, this does not occur in the above clip from Meet the Press, a popular television fiasco. Not even once! Can we divide David Brooks’ clump of TV words into complete sentences and explain why each of them is wrong? We can. Read more on Literally Every Sentence David Brooks Says About Paris Shootings Is Wrong (VIDEO)…
  Your Morning Maddow

Morning Maddow: Paris Attackers Didn’t Just Come Out of Nowhere, Imagine That (Video)

Friday’s Rachel Maddow Show led off with the kind of reporting you don’t see enough of, but that you’d think 24-hour news would be ideally suited for: a fairly in-depth look at the modern history of terror by Islamic radicals in France (which is also wrapped up with that country’s former colony, Algeria), and how it connects to the attacks in Paris last week. As it turns out, two of the terrorists in that attack were involved in a failed 2010 prison break plot to free one of the perpetrators of a 1995 train station bombing in Paris. It’s fascinating stuff, and a reminder that terrorism and terrorists don’t just come out of nowhere. And no, Fox News, knowing the history and motivations is not “making excuses” for terrorism. Read more on Morning Maddow: Paris Attackers Didn’t Just Come Out of Nowhere, Imagine That (Video)…
  Yup this should work

Republicans Demand Obama Declare Holy War, Invade France

Good plan
It used to be that Republicans wouldn’t have to hate President Obama so much if only he had the Dad Jeans to call terrorist attacks by their rightful name, which he has never done. But that was ages ago, and now that the president, ever the appeaser, has started using the T-word for the first time ever, there’s a whole new standard. Sure, the president said the slaughter at Parisian satirical magazine Charlie Hebdo’s office was a “terrorist attack” and that his administration would “help bring these terrorists to justice.” But that’s still sort of wishy-washy in today’s even more terroristical climate, don’t you think? How do we know he really, truly understands the seriousness of a terrorist attack if he’s only willing to call it a terrorist attack? Read more on Republicans Demand Obama Declare Holy War, Invade France…
  Wouldn't A Strongly Worded Letter Have Been Enough?

All Muslims Everywhere Murder French Satirists; Lone Wolf Acting Alone ‘Bombs’ NAACP, Alone

the very definition of 'milling around'
We’ve got all sorts of international and domestic terrorism for you this morning; please make use of kitten photos as needed. In Paris Tuesday, 12 people were shot to death at a satirical newspaper that had frequently run cartoons making fun of Islam: Read more on All Muslims Everywhere Murder French Satirists; Lone Wolf Acting Alone ‘Bombs’ NAACP, Alone…
  You know who else yadda yadda

French City Real Mad They’re Not Allowed To Put Nazi Triangles On The Homeless, TO HELP THEM

Maybe they just need some health care?
You would think we’ve all learned our lesson about forcing certain segments of the population to wear yellow thingies on their clothes so we can easily identify them and say “Ewwwwww, you’re one of those people.” But in the French city of Marseille, officials forgot history and were condemned to try to repeat it. Read more on French City Real Mad They’re Not Allowed To Put Nazi Triangles On The Homeless, TO HELP THEM…
  humanum

Vatican Throws Festival Of Homophobia

  What you see above is not, despite all appearances, your freshman roomie’s botched and infected yin-yang tattoo, but a symbol of unity and celebration! It celebrates the matched sets of opposite-sexers who keep our planet from flying apart, according to the organizers of “Humanum: An International Interreligious Colloquium on the Complementarity of Man and Woman,” held this week at the Vatican. Read more on Vatican Throws Festival Of Homophobia…