Wonkette

OBVIOUS UPDATE: Ha ha, fucking Bill Kristol. "I do not have time to waste on Bill Kristol’s musings,” Powell told ABC News. “I am not going to the convention. I have made this clear." [ABC News]

Here’s a clip from Fox News’ Fox & Friends program last Thursday in which they discuss a KFC opening in Fallujah, in Iraq. They are so excited about the fast food wage-slave chain being opened in this awful city, because it means “things are working” in Iraq, democracy and economics, what have you; the little brown terrorists can all now eat greasy chicken and be fat slobs like us. General Tommy Franks is interviewed and says this is great, hurrah. But it turns out there is no real KFC in Fallujah after all; it’s just some black market chop-shop that they probably threw together to make Barack Obama feel welcome during his visit. [TPM Muckraker]

What is dumb Fox News doing now, hmm? It appears they aired a segment over the weekend called “Will High Gas Prices Cost Your Kids Their Education?” This, presumably, was to explain this secret classified report: If you have to spend more money on one thing, there is less money to spend on another thing. Fox News illegally leaked this homeland security information and, in doing so, spelled “education” as “eductaion.” We hope that this was not meant as satire — which the New Yorker magazine invented only last week and now look, IT’S EVERYWHERE — because a child’s education is no laughing matter. The thought of children being so illiterate that they cannot spell a common, phonetic word… well, just imagine living in a country of adult retards! [YouTube via Think Progress]

That jabbering nitwit on Fox just signed a $100 million, five-year deal that will distribute his radio show through Citadel and Clear Channel networks. It’s significantly less than Rush Limbaugh’s recent $400 million, eight-year contract — but still, nothing to sneeze at. So what might Sean Hannity spend his truckloads of cash on? MORE »

JESSE JACKSON IS A TRAITOR TO HIS RACE: While not-so-discreetly attacking Barack Obama, who also won South Carolina, Jesse Jackson said the most terrible word of all. MORE »

Jesus, we almost feel sorry for John McCain having to deal with these hacks on the right who are agreeing with Phil Gramm’s characterization of America as a “nation of whiners.” Here’s Fred Barnes, executive editor of Bill Kristol’s Weekly Standard, calling Gramm’s comments “straight talk” and saying that American’s are “whining all the way through” the current Great New Depression. Surely keeping this issue alive and expanding on it is a great way for the Republicans to overtake Barack Obama in the polls. [YouTube via Think Progress]

Mike Huckabee appeared on Hannity & Colmes last night to weigh in on Barack Obama’s complete move to the center in the last few weeks. Now, we made up our minds about this slimeball Obama after Charles Krauthammer observantly noted that Obama “assiduously obliterates all differences with McCain on national security and social issues” in his positioning these days. If one thing is true in this life, it’s that Charles Krauthammer HAS THE MIND OF TWENTY EINSTEINS. And yet here comes Mike Huckabee, offering yet another take on Obama’s all-encompassing triangulation. Huckabee says everything we’ve always thought but never quite realized: Barack Obama — to his detriment — is becoming less and less like Jesse Helms every single day. MORE »

Poor Howard Wolfson. The former Clinton toady was born with only one testicle, half a human soul, and twice the normal complement of genes coding for poor taste in sweaters. But finally it looks like a little ray of lucky light is shining on our Wolfie: he got himself a job! After months of volunteering, he will now be officially paid to appear on Fox News. MORE »

We all remember Fred Hobbs, the proud member of Tennessee’s Democratic Executive Committee who recently confessed that he thought Barack Obama was “terrorist-connected.” He has been apologizing all week, and in a letter to colleagues he explained what was running through his mind: his comments “did reflect questions I had after what I had seen reported on Fox News, but I should have taken some time to check the accuracy of what I saw on television before speaking publicly.” Fred added that he also doesn’t know how to drink water or walk without falling sideways, or whatever it is the human beings are doing these days. [Chattanooga Times Free Press]

So that’s John McCain on the left, you knew that, but who is that “elderly American woman” wearing the sunglasses indoors while posing for a photo? That’s Harriet Christian, the famous Hillary Clinton diehard who threw a fit at the DNC Rules and Bylaws Committee over its perceived bias towards the Democrats’ “inadequate black male” of a nominee, which landed her a Fox News appearance during which she said black people don’t even know why they voted for Obama. And now she will protest-vote for John McCain, who hosted a party for bitter Hilltards like Christian at his campaign headquarters over the weekend. They may look like a happy pair now, but soon enough she’ll be making wisecracks about his withering hair, and he’ll respond with a wisecrack of his own. [Via Kevin K. at Rumproast]

Passionate Clinton promoter Lanny Davis is an endearing toady who wears comical pin-striped suits and says things like “Hillary can still win” while everybody else on the teevee panel laughs and laughs. And now he will bring his wonderful brand of aggrieved DLC hackery to Fox News, where he will get to spend the rest of his days blaming the network’s continuing bedbug problems on Barack Obama and Florida’s half-seated delegation. [Media Notes]

Here it is, the terrible bit of “word play” that has offended everybody with its obvious lack of racial transcendence. A “baby mama” is the term for a lady who has mothered some or all of a gentleman’s illegitimate children, and clearly does not apply to Michelle Obama. Now please quit sending us this thing. [Salon]

Here is old former president George (H.W.) Bush Senior, enjoying a gay game of Yale Tennis with this young thing (Communist Soviet sex spy Anna Kournikova) who is also not his scary old crone wife. They are giving each other a sexy Terrorist Fist Jab, like all the Bushes do with all their girlfriends and boyfriends. Oh and that dipshit lady at Fox News got fired, haw haw.

FOX NEWS DISCOVERS ‘TERRORIST FIST JAB’: Yes they can! Our favorite teevee news says Michelle and Barack Obama’s cool move with the Respect Knuckles is actually a secret Muslim fisting ritual for Terror. Jesus fucking christ these Fox News people need to die, of terror fisting AIDS, because they’re not even funny anymore. [Gawker]