Tag Archives: fox news

  Nice time in Europe anyway

Norway’s Muslims Did Not Get Fox News Memo, Will Do Nice Things For Jews

Not EVERYTHING is terrible
We all know that every single Muslim on this planet is personally responsible for terrorism because, FACT, that’s just how it works. The only exception is if Muslims denounce acts of terror carried out in the name of their faith, which they never do except for when they do actually do that — but even then, not really, let’s face it, they’re all terrorists who should go back to their own country (even if it’s America, get out anyway) because Jesus Thomas H. Jefferson didn’t write the First Amendment of the Bible to protect them. Read more on Norway’s Muslims Did Not Get Fox News Memo, Will Do Nice Things For Jews…
  You have a constitutional right to be A Idiot

Freedom-Hating Boston Mayor Asks People Not To Dive Off Buildings, Please

Not that we need any more evidence that the nanny state is totally out of control, but this week, Boston Mayor Martin Walsh proved it yet again, with his freedom-killing press conference. Apparently, what with the HUGE blizzard covering the entire city of Boston in snow — which proves global warming is a dumb liberal hoax — some patriots have decided it would be wicked fun to jump out of buildings and into all that snow, because what could possibly go wrong? But oh no, the mayor, who obviously hates fun and freedom, has asked people not to do that, what a jerk: Read more on Freedom-Hating Boston Mayor Asks People Not To Dive Off Buildings, Please…
  House Investigative committees have a well-known liberal bias

Boehner: Latest Benghazi Investigation Not Trying To Hurt Hillary, We Just Like Shouting ‘Benghazi!’

Even though the Benghazi “scandal” has been investigated approximately eleventy-nine times (seven to be specific), and even though the Republican-controlled House Intelligence Committee did their OWN investigation, and all seven of these investigations found absolutely no scandal, you are probably aware that the Republican House is currently investigating Benghazi for an eighth time. Why? Well obviously, dum-dum, because House Republican investigatin’ committees have a WELL KNOWN LIBERAL BIAS, and they just know that Republicans are trying to hide the facts about what REALLY happened in Benghazi, from themselves! Of course, we completely know what happened in Benghazi, except that NO WE DO NOT, let’s keep asking the same things until we get the answers we want, at which point, INPEACH! Read more on Boehner: Latest Benghazi Investigation Not Trying To Hurt Hillary, We Just Like Shouting ‘Benghazi!’…
  Rules are for losers

President Ben Carson Will Win All The Wars By Ignoring All Those Dumb War Rules

Dr. Ben Carson (R-Not The White House, Ever)
Very serious presidential contender Dr. Ben Carson — hey, stop laughing, we haven’t even gotten to the punchline yet! — has some very serious ideas how we can win all the wars forever if we just stop having any rules about how to do war, and also have a president who is not Obama, because of how dumb he is. Read more on President Ben Carson Will Win All The Wars By Ignoring All Those Dumb War Rules…
  And he'll lose there too

Alabama’s Roy Moore Will Appeal SCOTUS Marriage Ruling Directly To God

America’s most esteemed jurist, Alabama Supreme Court Justice Roy Moore, is not giving up his fight to save Alabama from the hordes of gays currently destroying the state by having equal marriage rights. Even though a terrible federal judge named Callie V.S. Granade (sounds like GRENADE because she GRENADED opposite marriage) not only ruled Alabama’s marriage amendment unconstitutional, but also had the audacity to order probate judges to actually DO WHAT SHE SAID, and even though the Supreme Court was okay with all of this, Roy Moore wants everybody to know that he will be forced to defy a Supreme Court ruling in favor of gayness, because “organic law” and Jesus: Read more on Alabama’s Roy Moore Will Appeal SCOTUS Marriage Ruling Directly To God…
  the commentczar's in town

Deleted Comments Of The Week: In Which The League Of The South Weeps And Whines

Princess Sunbutt Will Rise Again!
Gosh golly, Wonkers, have we got a fine load of Dumbth for you this week! We heard from global warming deniers, a creationist, an anti-vaxxer, and a genuine neo-Confederate Southern Patriot who apparently does not actually realize which side lost the War of Southern Treason. Obviously, we need to start with that special snowflake first. Our Friday story about the League of the South’s Lincoln’s-Birthday commemoration of John Wilkes Booth drew a comment from one “Pat Hines,” who has featured in previous Dear Shitferbrains columns. Read more on Deleted Comments Of The Week: In Which The League Of The South Weeps And Whines…
  Warmed-Over Science Denial

Fox News: Science Is A Hoax That Steals Our Freedom And Driving Privileges

God, that's just so dumb. Doesn't Obama even care that Americans are DYING?
Fox News found yet another reason to declare President Barack Obama totally DUMM Wednesday, because the stupidhead president made a factual statement that is also totally outrageous and stupid. In his recent interview with Vox, Obama said that yes, terrorism is bad and serious, but the media also exaggerates the threat of terrorism to the average American because it makes for good television, while threats like climate change, which will affect everyone on the planet, don’t get as much coverage because they don’t make for exciting TV. Read more on Fox News: Science Is A Hoax That Steals Our Freedom And Driving Privileges…
  Is ISIS Attacking Our Weather? We're Just Asking!

Climate Scientists Do Normal Science Thing, Proving Global Warming A Total Hoax

Among climate deniers, these are usually in a twist.
Well, here’s a hell of a surprise. Fox News has presented a misleading story bout climate science! Yes, you may want to sit down before reading any further! Media Matters does the heavy lifting on this one, tracing how one seriously misleading op-ed column by Christopher Booker in the right-leaning London Telegraph on Jan. 7 has spread throughout the Right-o-sphere. And Booker makes it sound like one hell of a scandal all right: Climate scientists have been systematically adjusting temperature readings from weather stations all over the world! Booker called it a “wholesale manipulation of the official temperature record” and “one of the greatest scientific scandals of all time.” And by golly, he sure did prove that a blogger looked at many temperature readings and found the original records were indeed adjusted in later publications, which is all the proof you need to know that the scientists are just making things up to scare people. In particular, daily temperature readings from stations in Paraguay had been adjusted to show higher temperatures than the original readings. Fraud! Fraud! Read more on Climate Scientists Do Normal Science Thing, Proving Global Warming A Total Hoax…
  You Actually Are Allowed To Have Your Own Facts

Ben Carson Will Not Have You Slurring The GOP As Anti- Science, Sir

Science has preserved Chris Wallace in wax since 1997
For all of his entertaining lunacy on everything else, Ben Carson has mostly been one of the most reasonable Republican voices in the most recent weirdness over childhood vaccines. It’s almost as if he knows a whole lot about doctoring and jack shit about everything else. For instance, he quite sanely said, yes, every child should be immunized – and then, the moment the conversation turned beyond actual medicine, he added that maybe it was undocumented immigrants spreading the disease around because Obama won’t control the border. Read more on Ben Carson Will Not Have You Slurring The GOP As Anti- Science, Sir…
  a greeter in every camp

Fox’s John Stossel Will Turn Over All Disaster Relief To Our Benevolent Walmart Overlords

always with the props, dude
Insipid Libertarian Mario Brother John Stossel once again showed why he sits at the Smart Kids’ table on Fox News trips to Dave & Busters’. Speaking to Frozen Meatloaf scion Tucker Carlson, Stossel made the case that we’d all be much better off with a government small enough to drown in a bathtub, especially if our compassionate brothers and sisters at Walmart Inc. were tabbed to be first responders for all future drownings. Read more on Fox’s John Stossel Will Turn Over All Disaster Relief To Our Benevolent Walmart Overlords…
  Fox Hix Nix Vax Fax

Fox News Injects Known Toxins Into Vaccination Discussion

The stupid is growing
Now that at least a part of the Wingnut Wing of the Republican Party has decided there’s a debate about basic medical facts, like whether vaccines or even hand-washing should be mandatory, it stands to reason that Fox News wants in on the fun as well. Read more on Fox News Injects Known Toxins Into Vaccination Discussion…
  never mind

Obamacare Fails To Ruin Another Person’s Life And Fox News Is ON IT

looking...for...unicorn
How is Obamacare ruining your life today? Fox News host Tucker Carlson thinks that he knows how Obamacare is ruining your life if you live in Colorado, let’s see if he is correct! Colorado’s health care exchange, Connect for Health Colorado, glitched out last week and cancelled the health insurance of 3,600 Coloradans who went on the state’s exchange to shop for another plan. Tucker Carlson invited perfect Fox News victim Steven Roussel, an articulate white guy, to describe the absolute horror of this bureaucratic glitch, or, as Tucker Carlson put it, “Kafka comes to Colorado!” Indeed! Tell us more, Steven Roussel: Read more on Obamacare Fails To Ruin Another Person’s Life And Fox News Is ON IT…
  fuckabee

Megyn Kelly To Mike Huckabee: We’re Just Whoring It Up All Over The Place At Fox News!

Sometimes Megyn Kelly does a thing where we don’t hate her, and then we write “Megyn Kelly did a thing and we didn’t hate her” and the commenters go URGGGH UGHHHH WHY CAN’T YOU BE MORE VENGEANCIER WE HATE YOU FOR NOT HATING HER REEDUCATION CAMPS FOR MEGYN KELLY AND ALSO FOR YOUUUUU! So boring you guys. Why not appreciate when terrible people are unterrible for a second? Why not give them gentle back-pats, and then they might like their gentle back-pats, and try to get more of them, by not being Megyn Kelly once in a while? Read more on Megyn Kelly To Mike Huckabee: We’re Just Whoring It Up All Over The Place At Fox News!…
  Papa Bear versus Mama Grizzly

Bill O’Reilly And Sarah Palin Engage In War Of Wits. Both Lose

Sore loser, winner, whatever
Who would win a battle o’ the brains: Bill O’Reilly or Sarah Palin? Ha, that’s a trick question because the correct answer is “Who cares? Just pass the popcorn!” The other day, Bill O’Reilly, winner of all the Very Serious Journalism awards, reported that lol, a bunch of doofus idiots are pretending to maybe run for president in 2016, like Sarah Palin and Donald Trump and Chris Christie, who apparently is as absurd a maybe-candidate as Palin and Trump, though we’re not sure how that works since Christie at least has a real job, but OK, why not? Read more on Bill O’Reilly And Sarah Palin Engage In War Of Wits. Both Lose…
  pee-drinkin' patriots

Todd Starnes Has Some Thoughts On American Jesus We Mean American Sniper

I see dead people.
Here’s a true story about Todd Starnes. Recently, I was at a party and mentioned that I was writing about Todd Starnes. The person I was talking to didn’t quite know who Todd Starnes was until I said, “People make jokes about him drinking pee on Twitter. Pee jokes guy. Big hat.” Then she was like “ohh, that guy! Yeah. That’s the only reason I know who he is. The pee jokes.” So good work everyone, I guess. Read more on Todd Starnes Has Some Thoughts On American Jesus We Mean American Sniper…
  Joe Arpaio Better Watch His Back

Wingnut Sheriff To Single Black Moms: Stop Making Cops Shoot Kids!

Meet your 2020 Republican primary contender, America
David Clarke is the sheriff of Milwaukee County in Wisconsin, and he has been a hero to Wingnut America ever since he ran radio ads a couple years back encouraging people to arm themselves instead of calling 911. On Tuesday, he played to his real constituency, the Fox News audience, when host Brian Kilmeade asked Clarke to comment on yet another shooting of a black suspect by a police officer, and instead launched into a rant against the NAACP and single black mothers. Read more on Wingnut Sheriff To Single Black Moms: Stop Making Cops Shoot Kids!…
  Eating their own

People Who Think About Gay Sex A Lot Uncover Massive Gay Conspiracy At Fox News

Some people say...
The truth is out there, man, and the truth is pretty damn gay. Fox News’s anti-Christian, pro-butt-sechs bias has been exposed by a handful of brave truth warriors, and we now have completely verifiable and not at all made up evidence Fox has been engaged for years in a massive gay conspiracy that goes all the way to the top! How has this dastardly organization conspired for years to push the gayness onto your children and unsatisfied wives? Let’s Wonksplore. Read more on People Who Think About Gay Sex A Lot Uncover Massive Gay Conspiracy At Fox News…
  Do You Love America Enough? You Probably Don't Love America Enough

Fox News Explains How American Snipers Saved India From Saddam Hussein

And is India even grateful that we saved them from Saddam Hussein? No they are not.
In case you missed it, the latest litmus test for whether you Love America Enough is whether you are an enthusiastic supporter of the movie American Sniper, which you have to love or you are a hater. You see, Michael Moore said unkind things about the movie’s glorification of snipers, who are the kindest, bravest, warmest most wonderful Americans you’ve never seen because they are invisible like ninjas, and therefore The Entire Left hates America all over again, and now it is the sacred duty of all rightwing media to RAGESCREAM AT THE AMERICA HATERS WHO HATE CHRIS KYLE PERSONALLY AND ARE PISSING ON OUR BOYS’ GRAVES. Read more on Fox News Explains How American Snipers Saved India From Saddam Hussein…
  Reagan would never talk to real people

Watch President Obama Insult America By Talking To Regular People Instead Of Chuck Todd

The terrorists have won, obviously
President Obama took a break from his golf game and destroying America to be interviewed by some YouTube famous people who are famous for being famous on the YouTubes. Aw, that’s a nice thing of the president to do, isn’t it? Instead of just talking to Very Serious Journalists all the time, with their Very Serious Journalist questions, like “Why do you only say ‘terrorism’ instead of ‘Super Extra Bad Islamofascist Muslamic Terrorism?'” Read more on Watch President Obama Insult America By Talking To Regular People Instead Of Chuck Todd…
  strange fruit

Fox News Takes Insane Acid Trip About Eric Holder Lynching Darren Wilson In Yemen, It Is Just Wow

Huh, he looks all right to us
Yes, Ferguson cop Darren Wilson killed an unarmed black teenager, to death, but in addition to getting a “Nah, man, it’s cool, we get it” from the local grand jury, he likely won’t have charges filed against him by the Department of Justice, either. Ergo, as Fox News has been spewing at us since the non-charges news was first leaked, it is an obvious simple fact that the DOJ never had any legitimate reason to investigate the Ferguson Police Department or Darren Wilson in the first place. It was all a scheme, man, nefariously plotted by Attorney General Eric Holder and Co-Attorney General Al Sharpton and Thinks He’s So President Obama, to start some riots an do some reverse racism. Read more on Fox News Takes Insane Acid Trip About Eric Holder Lynching Darren Wilson In Yemen, It Is Just Wow…