Tag Archives: fox news

  It's like he's obsessed! Obsessed with cumulus clouds!!!

Fox News Tells Obama To Go Be A Weather Girl If He’s So Worried About Climate

Why does anyone care about permafrost? You can always get a touch-up at the salon.
Why does anyone care about permafrost? You can always get a touch-up at the salon. Barack Obama may be visiting the Arctic this week to call attention to climate change — even though self-appointed Alaska spokestwit Bristol Palin told him to stay away — but Fox News is not impressed with a bunch of dumb stories about vanishing permafrost and coastal villages being eaten by the sea. Fox wants to know why Obama thinks climate is even a thing, when there are other bad things he should be stopping, like crime. Sure, yes, how about crime, Obama? On “The Five” Tuesday, host Kimberly Guilfoyle wanted to know just why Obama is wasting his time talking about something that might not even be real! Read more on Fox News Tells Obama To Go Be A Weather Girl If He’s So Worried About Climate…
  Unfair!

So Lame How CNN Won’t Let Carly Fiorina Be President Already

Remember, you guys, when we guesstimated Carly Fiorina was not one of the hopping-so-mad second-tier Republican candidates who anonymously baby-cried to POLITICO that Fox News made them sit at the kids’ table and not get to do real prime time debating with Donald Trump and the other grown-ups? Read more on So Lame How CNN Won’t Let Carly Fiorina Be President Already…
  If you could just not

Rand Paul Suggests Black Lives Matter Focus On Other Lives Instead

Who understands race better than these guys? Noted race expert Rand Paul chatted with fellow race expert Sean Hannity the other night, and the senator from Kentucky had some terrific advice for Black Lives Matter, for which its leaders will no doubt be sending him an Edible Arrangement to express their gratitude. Sure, the movement has recently released its own platform, called “Campaign Zero,” detailing 10 policy solutions, none of which are “cut taxes” or “more dads and better morals.” So clearly, they’re in need of Rand’s expertise. Tell ’em how they can best achieve their goals of combating police violence in their communities, Senator: Read more on Rand Paul Suggests Black Lives Matter Focus On Other Lives Instead…
  Clash Of The Titans

Fox News Dudes Being Total Girls About Donald Trump’s Sexism

Two minds with but a single thought
Two minds with but a single thought Oh, golly goodness, it would appear that there is once again discord in the House That Ailes Built. After taking a brief vacation, Fox’s Megyn Kelly returned to the network Monday night, and Donald Trump drunk-tweeted a bunch of mean stuff about her. (We are not accusing Mr. Trump of being a drunkard, of course — we know he only drinks at church. We just assume that anyone on Twitter is drunk, because it is Twitter). Read more on Fox News Dudes Being Total Girls About Donald Trump’s Sexism…
  do not pass go

Bernie Fans And Republicans Agree: Hillary Clinton Should Drop Out NOW!

Democratic frontrunner Hillary Clinton's real face, we guess.
Democratic frontrunner Hillary Clinton’s real face, we guess. Oh look, it is another extremely meaningful poll to tell us the extremely meaningful things about what might happen if the 2016 election were held today, even though it’s not going to be held for (hold on, back-of-the-napkin calculations happening) at least eleventy thousand more days. Considering how Hillary Clinton is probably a ginormous email criminal, who insists on changing her email address every single time she fires up a new AOL free trial CD-ROM, should she drop out of the race RIGHT THIS SECOND? Glad we have a poll from the ever-reliable Rasmussen to tell us these things: Read more on Bernie Fans And Republicans Agree: Hillary Clinton Should Drop Out NOW!…
  They Could Have Been Heroes Just For One Day

Fox News Knows Obama Personally Ordered Terrorist To Ride That French Train

How a normal network might report the story
How a normal network might report the story There’s an awful lot to be happy about in the story of the three vacationing Americans, a British executive, and a French passenger who overpowered a would-be terrorist on a high-speed train Friday. Nobody got killed, and even the two people who were slashed by the bad guy’s knife are going to be fine. On Monday, four of the hero passengers were awarded France’s highest civilian medal, the Legion d’Honneur. So: a whole lot of good to say about the decency and heroism of ordinary people willing to risk their lives to protect complete strangers. Read more on Fox News Knows Obama Personally Ordered Terrorist To Ride That French Train…
  Make America Great Again Before It's Too Late

Donald Trump Gives YOOOGE Boner To Stupid Racist Americans

You know you want it Donald Trump held a rally in Alabama on Friday, a real classy event, the biggest one yet, with tens of thousands of people in attendance, all of them terrific — even the one dude at the rally who shouted “White power!” Because if there’s one place in U.S. America where you should be able to proudly express yourself, even if your self is a white supremacist dickbag in Mobile, Alabama, it’s definitely at a campaign event for the presidential candidate who claims in every speech, “It turned out I was right” to accuse Mexico of importing rapists and murderers to America, all the time, every day, because someone is doing the raping, and, Trump has insisted, it’s not him. Read more on Donald Trump Gives YOOOGE Boner To Stupid Racist Americans…
  Waaaaaaaaah

GOP Losers So Mad At GOP For Treating Them Like Losers

Now we just need a tiny violin Oh, look at these poor little cry babies, all in need of a nap: Two weeks after the first Republican presidential debate in Cleveland, several candidates scraping the bottom of primary polls are still seething about their treatment — and ripping party leadership for what they describe as, at best careless, and at worst intentional, decisions that embarrassed them on national TV. Seems the biggest losers in the Republican race — the dried puppy turds on the bottom of your shoe, as it were — are still pouting about how they had to stand in an empty room and pretend to debate each other while most of America was stopping by Kool Chain Bar & Grill for some happy hour apps and frozen blended umbrella drinks before heading home to watch the real Republican presidential debate, starring Donald Trump and nine other people who are not Donald Trump. Read more on GOP Losers So Mad At GOP For Treating Them Like Losers…
  Brother can you spare a note?

Jeb! Bush Failing So Hard He Needs His Brother’s Help, LOL

He's with stupid
Brotherly love This is just sad. Like, we almost feel bad for this guy, that’s how sad. (Calm down, we said almost.) While Jeb! Bush has already lost the presidential election, because we said so, he’s now in such deep manure, with those polling numbers racing toward zero faster than a Bush races into Iraq, that Big Brother Dubya has to lend a hand. You know, the brother whose name is so toxic in Republican circles that they dare not speak it aloud. The brother who’d said in April that we probably wouldn’t see much of him during this election, because hoo boy, it wouldn’t help Jeb none to remind voters that he came from the same gene pool as President A Idiot, who broke the whole US of A to death, practically. Read more on Jeb! Bush Failing So Hard He Needs His Brother’s Help, LOL…
  anchors away

Donald Trump Is The Greatest Constitutional Scholar, He Is Really Terrific

Trouble with Trumps Hey, you know how Donald Trump is really, really, super and terrifically dumb? Well, funny story: BOY HOWDY IS DONALD TRUMP STUPID. You know how he always has moron “experts” who tell him things like Obama is definitely a Martian, from Mars? Well, now he has “experts” who are teaching him why the Constitution is wrong when it says little brown babies born here are “citizens,” as if. Read more on Donald Trump Is The Greatest Constitutional Scholar, He Is Really Terrific…
  MAN she wants to be his running mate

Sarah Palin Likes Her Men Dumb And Drunk, Like Donald Trump

The blouse really complements her derp.
Sarah Palin loves Donald Trump, because he’s a BIG PICTURE, Joe Six-Pack kind of pompous billionaire asshole HERO, who doesn’t get mired down in little details like “policy” and “actual opinions” about stuff and things. And you know how Joe Six-Pack is, he’s a regular guy who just downed a six pack of Keystone Light and now he’s telling you what he thinks about America and you betcha, we need more people like like Joe Six-Pack, who is Donald Trump. Donald Trump! Read more on Sarah Palin Likes Her Men Dumb And Drunk, Like Donald Trump…
  Unfair!

Donald Trump Copied Scott Walker’s Immigration Homework, Says Scott Walker

As we already told you (sheesh, do you people EVER listen?), Donald Trump released his terrifically detailed immigration policy, and it’s terrific. And classy. And beautiful. And tremendous. And the most brilliant policy you ever did read. And in case you didn’t bother, it goes something like this: Read more on Donald Trump Copied Scott Walker’s Immigration Homework, Says Scott Walker…
  He's equal opportunity

Ben Carson Will Protect Jews, No Matter What Religion They Are

Thinking about how to protect Jewish people.
Protector of the Jews, even if they’re not Jewish. Hey, remember that time “presidential candidate” Ben Carson got all confused about Israel’s system of government, and why don’t they just do a normal Congress with a Senate and a House and a Democrat Party and a Republican Party, like American countries do? Well, why don’t they? Why the Jewishes gotta be all confusing with multiple “parties” and foreign nerd words like “Knesset”? It’s just too much, and Ben Carson did that thing where he separated conjoined twins at the head that one time, so he knows when stuff is TOO complicated. Read more on Ben Carson Will Protect Jews, No Matter What Religion They Are…
  Money money money

The Snake Oil Bulletin: Why Did Jesus Send Us To Collections, Mommy?

PAY UP. Welcome back, sinners. It’s time once again for the Snake Oil Bulletin! We would like to take this time to remind our readers that unless you’ve paid your monthly $7.99 readers’ fee, in addition to keeping up on your annual $150 membership fee to our 2 Smart 4 Scammers Club, and thrown in a couple extra bucks towards Donna Rose’s college fund while you’re at it, you are forbidden to read this week’s edition of the Snake Oil Bulletin. We tried to erect a paywall like some sort of real newspaper, but we can’t afford to build that paywall unless you pay us the money to keep you away from our content! Read more on The Snake Oil Bulletin: Why Did Jesus Send Us To Collections, Mommy?…
  So wasteful!

Fox News Jackass Greg Gutfeld Will Keep Fetuses In Wastebaskets Where They Belong

This is what Greg Gutfeld looks like when he thinks he just made a point.
This is what Greg Gutfeld looks like when he thinks he just made a point. Yr Wonkette, as you know, is a pro-life mommyblog. HEAR US OUT. We’re pro-life in the REAL, grown-up way, the one where abortion is legal, and women should have a right to do with their living bodies as they please, and we believe in doing all that we can to support living, breathing human beings. Also, fetal tissue research is VITAL to finding cures for cancer and developing vaccines and all sorts of other things. Heck, it’s so great that wingnut presidential candidate Ben Carson used to do it all the time! So, considering these facts, it’s very PRO-LIFE to support women in their choices to donate fetal tissue after abortions, so that tissue can be used to SAVE THE WORLD! Read more on Fox News Jackass Greg Gutfeld Will Keep Fetuses In Wastebaskets Where They Belong…
  We Now Return You To Your Regularly Scheduled Programming

Great Feminist Blog RedState Says Hillary Clinton Is An Ugly Ho

Talk to the hand, and also YOUR MOM Once upon a time, there was a guy with with a real dumb redundant name that is dumb, and for an entire millisecond, he fancied himself a great defender of womenfolk and decency. And fellow feminist icon Jeb! Bush declared him to be “on the side of women,” so it must be true. Read more on Great Feminist Blog RedState Says Hillary Clinton Is An Ugly Ho…