Tag Archives: fox & friends

  the longest cray-cray

What If Fox News Had Covered D-Day?

You guys, Fox News thinks that President Roosevelt screwed the pooch again. After yesterday’s amphibious landings in Normandy, the network grudgingly agreed that Allied troops had established a beachhead in France, but they were really not happy with how Our Boys pulled it off, insisting that the casualties were unacceptably high, speculating that “Two-Wheeler Delano” picked such a dangerous location for the invasion so that it would fail, and blaming Roosevelt for the invasion’s terrible planning, like the dropping of paratroopers dozens of miles off their target: “How would President Roosevelt face the parents of these brave fighting men who parachuted into flooded fields and drowned?” asked Sean Hannity. “Are the grieving families supposed to simply accept ‘cloud cover over the drop zone’ or ‘the planes were dodging flak’ as an excuse?” Hannity called for President Chairdaddy’s resignation, asking “why does anyone still trust this president, after his demonstrated failures in protecting Pearl Harbor? Or the Philippines?” Read more on What If Fox News Had Covered D-Day?…
  can't live with 'em can't burn 1211 avenue of the americas to the ground

Take Fox Douche Brian Kilmeade’s Wife. Please!

Remember that old Steve Allen show, Meeting of Minds, where he’d put together a panel of actors playing great historical figures and have them “discuss” some important idea? You know, like Socrates and Marx and Thomas Paine talking about freedom or something? Looks like Fox News is trying to revive the concept, only they have to work with whoever’s handy, so Monday we got Brian Kilmeade and Steve Doocy explaining to guys how to talk to their wives. Taking the Walter Mitty position was Mr. Doocy, who said, “One of the things is if you say, ‘Yes, dear,’ that’s appropriate because it derails any argument … Plus, my wife is always right anyway.” This — despite having the bizarre effect of making Wonkette like Steve Doocy for a second, which is probably the most surprising thing about the segment — seemed rather condescending to Mr. Kilmeade, who offered the Kramdenesque riposte, “That’s like saying, ‘I know my wife is wrong, but I’m going to say she’s right just so I don’t have to hear it,’ … To me, you have to give the women the respect to engage in a interplay.” Instead, suggested Kilmeade, you fellas would get a lot farther respecting her intellect, and saying, “I would like to challenge you on this, baby doll.” Kudos to whoever on the Fox & Friends staff who added the “zing” sound effect. Read more on Take Fox Douche Brian Kilmeade’s Wife. Please!…
  nitpick o' the day

Fox & Friends Botches Spelling In Story About Dictionaries; Pobody’s Nerfect!

Oh, Fox News, we love your unpaid interns, or whoever types up the chyrons for your news segments. In a Fox & Friends story about new words being added to the Merriam-Webster Dictionary, Elisabeth Hasselbeck (R-NotGretchen) some new Fox newsblonde whose name Mediaite didn’t mention told us that the latest edition of the dictionary was adding 150 new terms, including “selfie,” “baby bump,” and “Yooper” (a resident of Michigan’s Upper Penninsula). And of course, the chyron below her proclaimed “It’s Official: ‘Selife’ and ‘Yooper’ Added to Dictionary.'” Read more on Fox & Friends Botches Spelling In Story About Dictionaries; Pobody’s Nerfect!…
  9 1/2 Yards

Donald Trump Simply Does Not Care For Gay Ram Michael Sam’s Erotic Food Play

Did you magically become a St. Louis Rams fan when Michael Sam joyfully kissed his cute boyfriend after Saturday’s draft? US TOO! Donald Trump and his fellow idiots at Fox & Friends, however, did not! The several kisses were closed-mouthed and respectable, because Michael Sam only gets naughty on video when there are gay lesbian ladies throwing panties at him. (He is a lover, that Michael Sam.) Read more on Donald Trump Simply Does Not Care For Gay Ram Michael Sam’s Erotic Food Play…
  fox news unamerican committee strikes again

Allen West, Fox & Friends Expose Muslim Plot To Jihad America With Votes

You guys, there is some serious UN-AMERICAN activity happening, and we bet you don’t know about it! According to Allen West on Fox & Friends, there is a secret Muslim plot in America to… wait for it… become politically organized in order to push for policies that are more friendly towards Muslims. Now is the appropriate time to FREAK THE FUCK OUT. Seriously, freak out, dammit. What’s wrong with you? Why aren’t you freaking out! Did you not click on that video? Did you not see the graphic of “Islamic Extremism on the Rise,” with totally not-racist pictures of men in turbans wielding rocket-launchers? This threat will ruin American civilization and likely cause the death of all kittens, because it is THAT BAD. If your hands aren’t shaking too much, let’s scaresplore this threat to life, liberty, and religious freedom the American way.  Read more on Allen West, Fox & Friends Expose Muslim Plot To Jihad America With Votes…
  nasty as he wanna be

Roger Ailes Did Not Spend All That Money On A Glass Desk To Not Be Able To See Your Snatch

Roger Ailes, that jowly old leftover from the Cantina scene in Star Wars, turns out to be exactly the sort of high-minded gentleman that you might expect, assuming his mind is located a few inches south of his belt buckle. We have another batch of pre-release ugly bits from that new biography from Gabriel Sherman, this time courtesy of the intrepid muck-sorters at Media Matters, who found the icky stuff so people who eagerly buy the book can plausibly say they never read it. Turns out that one of the longest categories in the book’s index is “Legs, Ailes’s fixation on.” As we already knew from Gretchen Carlson, ladies on Fox and Friends were forbidden to wear the pantaloons; now we find that no matter what was going on in the world, Ailes knew what mattered for Fair And Balanced News: gams, drumsticks, pins, alabaster pillars, stems, getaway sticks, Legs. We knew that he was kind of an extremist, but had no idea how obsessed he was with extremities. Read more on Roger Ailes Did Not Spend All That Money On A Glass Desk To Not Be Able To See Your Snatch…
  little sisters of st. ann

In Ann Coulter’s New Religious Order, Ladies Will Marry Federal Government For Free Slutbortions

So you know how when nuns take they’re vows, they’re married to Jebus? Ann Coulter has figured out that it’s pretty much the same thing when single women want insurance to cover their Whore Pills, except they’re marrying the federal government. On a special Fox & Friends tribute to the Mad Hatter’s tea party Sunday, Coulter also explained that when Nancy Pelosi said Republicans disrespect women, she was totally wrong because she said it on MSNBC, where all the hosts are committed to force-feeding dookie to Sarah Palin. They then showed a clip of Pelosi saying that Republican policies disrespect women, since R’s have opposed equal pay for equal work, raising the mininmum wage, child care, paid sick leave, and so on. Ah, but Tucker Carlson was too smart for Nancy Pelosi! He translated what all that ooga-booga about “pay equity” and “women in the work place” really means: “So why doesn’t she just say abortion? That’s what she’s talking about. Why doesn’t anybody ever use that word out loud if it’s such a great thing?” Equal pay = Abortion. Logic is fun! (By which we mean “abortion,” really.) Read more on In Ann Coulter’s New Religious Order, Ladies Will Marry Federal Government For Free Slutbortions…
  biology is density

Phyllis Schlafly’s Niece Is Back With Brand New Message For Ladies: Quit Your Jobs, Have More Babbies

Hi, ladies! Fox News brought its favorite “war on men” correspondent, Suzanne Venker, out of the locked room where they store her between guest appearances and let her do some concern-ranting about how women are ruining their lives by living them the way they want to, and not the way Suzanne Venker knows they should. On Sunday’s Fox & Friends, Venker got a nice warm welcome for her very important column (on FoxNews.com, natch) explaining that women really can “have it all” as long as they recognize that “it” shouldn’t include a career. And how could any reasonable human find her premise controversial anyway? As Tucker Carlson said, “I rely completely on my wife…but if a woman says that about her husband, somehow that’s weak?” We’re really happy to hear that Tucker Carlson has decided to only work part time and have balance in his life by spending more time doing laundry and staying home with the kids, which has to be what he meant, right, gals? Read more on Phyllis Schlafly’s Niece Is Back With Brand New Message For Ladies: Quit Your Jobs, Have More Babbies…
  sharia no longer creeping; now does backstroke

Fox & Friends Will Not Let Muslim Girls’ Swim Class Destroy America With Aquatic Sharia

Here is Fox & Friends’ Heather Nauert on the teevee yesterday, explaining how “sharia law” is taking over, because a YMCA in Minneapolis-St. Paul is going to hold a girls-only swim class one hour a week, providing Somali refugee girls the chance to learn to swim. BUT! Since men won’t be allowed in the pool area and the only lifeguards and instructors will be women, this is obviously evidence of, as Nauert puts it, “the minority becoming the majority at one community pool. Sharia law is now changing everything.” Oh, mercy — what do you want to bet that during that hour of swimming classes, they’re going to learn underwater bomb-making, too! Because in Fox Math, a class for girls aged 5 to 17 is now, somehow, the tyrannic “majority.” Read more on Fox & Friends Will Not Let Muslim Girls’ Swim Class Destroy America With Aquatic Sharia…
  do not think that word ... blah blah blah

Elisabeth Hasselbeck Knows Who Is ‘Smart,’ And That Is Young People Who Don’t Buy Insurance Because They Will Never Get Sick

Founding Mensa member and Fox & Friends cohost Elisabeth Hasselbeck knows genius when she sees it. Where has Elisabeth Hasselbeck seen genius today? In “young invincibles” refusing to buy insurance! “You know who is playing it smart?” Hasselbeck began. “Young invincibles. The young set out there who are not buying into Obamacare because they’re seeing situations like this and saying, ‘I’m not going to be the one responsible for paying for everybody else. That’s not what was sold to me.’ So they’re not signing up. Government’s freaking out because they need the young people to pay for Obamacare.” We have never heard that particular formulation before, but who are we to question what is “smart” and what is “the opposite of that.” Read more on Elisabeth Hasselbeck Knows Who Is ‘Smart,’ And That Is Young People Who Don’t Buy Insurance Because They Will Never Get Sick…
  Why don't you look under your seat and find a clue?

Elisabeth Hasselbeck Outraged That Oprah Winfrey Would ‘Undermine Racism’ By Discussing Racism

Thank American Jesus for Fox “News,” the great arbiter of what is and is not racist. (President Barack HUSSEIN Oblackma presidenting while black? Racist. George Zimmerman shooting a black kid for blacking while black? Not racist. Now we have cleared that up for you, you’re welcome!) Just in case you were unclear on how racism works, here is another lesson, courtesy of the Mensa society of race theorists known as Fox & Friends, who — sigh — cannot believe they have to explain to Oprah Winfrey that there is, like, almost no racism in America, so she really needs to stop crazy talking about how certain criticisms of the president are “maybe even in many cases because he’s African American.” “I don’t know that Barack Obama could have been elected president if he was living in a racist nation,” co-host Steve Doocy opined. “Are there racists out there? Absolutely. Is it a majority of people? No. A majority of the people, according to the polls, simply don’t like his policies.” Clap clap clap, Steve! Excellent rebuttal to a thing Oprah did not actually say. How about you, Elisabeth Hasselbeck? Do you have any brilliant insight to share with dumb doesn’t-understand-how-racism-works Oprah? Read more on Elisabeth Hasselbeck Outraged That Oprah Winfrey Would ‘Undermine Racism’ By Discussing Racism…
  you cannot argue with the facts i just made up

Fox’s Jon Stossel Applies Science To Obamacare, Says Ladies Should Pay More Since They’re Always Faking It

Fox Business Network’s resident Libertarian troll John Stossel dropped by the Murdoch Morning Mishegas today to explain to human snot otter Steve Doocy that Obamacare “kills the market” for health insurance by requiring a market for health insurance plans. See, the dealio is, by telling insurers they have to comply with some minimum standards, the Government is making it impossible for them to truly compete, because now people can’t get worthless junk insurance that covers nothing. The competition of the market is the only thing that makes things better,” he explained. “Yesterday, President Obama stood in front of a bunch of women in Massachusetts and said, ‘No longer will those evil insurance companies be able to charge you women more.’” We’re pretty sure that’s a verbatim quote of what Obama said, all right. And then Stossel brought the Science, which of course the market always responds to with perfect rational logic: “Women go to the doctor much more often than men! Maybe they’re smarter or maybe they’re hypochondriacs,” Stossel continued. “They live longer. Who knows? But if it’s insurance, you ought to be able to charge people who use the services more, more.” It is also a Known Fact that women can’t go as long without having to get up from their desks to pee, which is why employers should be allowed to pay them less for all that lost productivity. And don’t even get us started on the unknowable nightmare mystery that is the Female Ladypart System of Squishy Stuff! Read more on Fox’s Jon Stossel Applies Science To Obamacare, Says Ladies Should Pay More Since They’re Always Faking It…
  lucky duckies

Elizabeth Hasselbeck So Mad About All These Gross Lazy Poor People With Their Fancy ‘Television’ And ‘Cell Phones’ And ‘Food’

Elizabeth Hasselbeck is doing a pretty great job as Fox & Friends’ new Gretchen. Like, first, she totally has blond hair. Second, she is also possessed of a vag. Third, she can completely say idiotic things about whatever Fox wants her to say idiotic things about, and today that idiotic thing is the Poors. Read more on Elizabeth Hasselbeck So Mad About All These Gross Lazy Poor People With Their Fancy ‘Television’ And ‘Cell Phones’ And ‘Food’…
  shouldn't fair and balanced include both reality and fiction?

Fox & Friends Falls For Dumb Fake News Story Saying Obama Funded Muslim Museum Himself

Fox & Friends continued to stand up for World War II vets who are “suffering” by being kept out of the WWII Memorial on the Mall — which they aren’t, of course, but that doesn’t fit The Victim Narrative that Fox is pushing. And here’s proof of Barack Obama’s terrible double standards, said host Anna Kooiman on Saturday: he won’t even allow the Republican National Committee to pay to keep the WWII Monument open, even though “President Obama has offered to pay out of his own pocket for the museum of Muslim culture” during the shutdown. That little detail, of course, came from the fake-news site National Report, which is like a dollar-store version of The Onion, only proudly not openly funny. Kooiman’s gaffe has been widely mocked, though not, of course, before the story got repeated in emails and on Free Republic, where people knew it had to be fake because Obama would never spend his own money, haw-haw. Read more on Fox & Friends Falls For Dumb Fake News Story Saying Obama Funded Muslim Museum Himself…
  all the derp that's fit to herp

Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Slog Through The Slushpile

Welcome to a Gummint Shutdown Edition of the Derp Roundup, your weekly accumulation of asinine asshattery from the aether that was too stoopid to ignore completely but that we weren’t inclined to waste a full-length post on. To start off, let’s do a little bit of mythbusting! We caught Tucker Carlson’s Home for Lying Liars in a bit of a lie! On Wednesday, the Daily Caller proclaimed, based on a single photograph apparently, that Washington DC’s monuments and memorials were all kept open during the 1995/96 shutdowns: The administration’s decision to barricade the Lincoln Memorial marks the first time in its history the memorial has been totally off limits to visitors during a shutdown. As proof, they offer a photo of the interior of the Lincoln Memorial in 1995, showing that the information booth was closed, but tourists were still able to enter the memorial. It took us all of seven minutes,* however, to find this photo from the Denver Post showing a Park Service Police officer standing in front of a completely closed Lincoln Memorial on November 15, 1995. The AP slideshow also includes a photo of the fenced-off National Christmas Tree — with nary a single Republican congresscritter tearing down the fence while decrying Bill Clinton’s War on Christmas. And the Washington Post also has a photo of tourists leaving the Lincoln Memorial as it was being closed down on November 14. So, yeah, Daily Caller – utterly unprecedented.** At least they didn’t argue that Clinton never closed the World War II memorial in 1995-96.*** Read more on Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Slog Through The Slushpile…
  all the derp that's fit to herp

Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Compendium Of Contemptible Contretemps

Happy Saturday, you slugabeds! As you blearily try to shake off the residue of last night’s revelries, pour yourself another cuppa joe and treat yourself to a serving of our weekly concatenation of clinking, clanking, caligenous junk from the interwebs that was too stoopid to ignore altogether but that didn’t quite merit a full-length post. And we’ll even start your descent into hell gently, with a bad-news story that’s got a Nice Times kicker. By now, you’ve probably heard that Guido Barilla, the chairman of Italy’s Barilla pasta proudly joined the asshat brigade last week with his vow that the company’s ads would never feature same-sex families: “I would never do (a commercial) with a homosexual family, not for lack of respect but because we don’t agree with them. Ours is a classic family where the woman plays a fundamental role … In the interview, Barilla said he opposed adoption by gay parents, but was in favour of allowing gay marriage, which is not legal in Italy. … If gays “like our pasta and our advertising, they’ll eat our pasta, if they don’t like it then they will not eat it and they will eat another brand,” he said. Pretty impressive how he manages to dismiss both gays and women in a single statement there. The inevitable agita and talk of boycotts ensued, and Barilla issued one of those “sorry if anyone was offended” not-pologies. So there’s that. Read more on Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Compendium Of Contemptible Contretemps…
  brian kilmeade to seek election to municipal council of gigante colombia

Gretchen Carlson’s Pants, Gretchen Carlson’s Pants, Gretchen Carlson’s Pants

On Thursday’s Kilmeade and Friends radio program (a thing which apparently exists), former Fox & Friends cohost Gretchen Carlson talked about pants and how the dress code on Fox’s morning show was apparently dictated by that place in France: BRIAN KILMEADE: Guess who just walked in? If you’re watching — if you have the podcast. Gretchen Carlson’s in, dressed casual, kind of. Very nice. CARLSON: Wait a minute. Nobody’s going to recognize me because not only am I dressed casually, I have on pants. KILMEADE: Well, pants, what is — CARLSON: Now, pants were not allowed on Fox & Friends, remember? KILMEADE: Yeah, what happened with that? CARLSON: So I have jeans on, Brian. Welcome — welcome to the new Gretchen. Read more on Gretchen Carlson’s Pants, Gretchen Carlson’s Pants, Gretchen Carlson’s Pants…
  all the derp that's fit to herp

A Children’s Treasury Of Derp: Your Labor Day Loonworld Roundup

Welcome to a special Labor Day edition of picked-up pieces, a baggy collection of stories that were too stoopid to ignore altogether, but that we couldn’t quite manage a full post on. Or just didn’t wanna. At the top of the list, Tucker Carlson snoozing on the set of Fox & Friends, because there’s really not much more to say about it, other than “Hey, look at this professional teevee idjit sleeping on a couch!” Carlson’s thoughts on the matter were limited to “Is this honestly live?” and “I was having these happy thoughts and I dozed off … Is this honestly on TV?” There’s probably a metaphor here, we think.  Stay in school, kids. Read more on A Children’s Treasury Of Derp: Your Labor Day Loonworld Roundup…
  yeah that makes sense

Mike Huckabee: Kill Obamacare By Increasing Government Funding For Healthcare

This week on “Fox & Friends’ Argle Bargle Hate & Pray in the Morning” show, yo-yo-dieting expert Mike Huckabee wide-angle remoted in to talk to the one guy who is even dumber than Steve Doocy about his sure-fire way to shut up the Pres about how all the GOP wants to do is kill Obamacare, and finally getting down to the business of killing Obamacare once and for all. How would they do this? By letting the GOP go ahead and cure cancer. Huckabee said the GOP should [instead] advocate for a government-funded Manhattan-style project to “focus on a cure [for disease] rather than just focus on a treatment. Hey, now you’re thinking Mike! Let’s go nuclear on cancer’s ass! (Like radiation? Or chemo?) Yes Governor Huckabee, we agree. Someone should really go ahead and start some government funded programs that focus on curing diseases like the cancer. We could call them the “National Institutes of Health” or maybe the “National Cancer Institute” and finally get some fucking research started on curing shit! That could be a thing! Why hasn’t anyone done this? Stupid government. Read more on Mike Huckabee: Kill Obamacare By Increasing Government Funding For Healthcare…
  can't something be done about these liberal race baiters?

Forget ‘White Hispanic'; Daily Caller, Fox, Find White Teen Who Is ‘Black’

So, you may have heard about the awful murder of an Australian baseball player by three teens in Duncan, Oklahoma. The killers more or less admitted to killing Chris Lane for the fun of it as he was out for a jog. It’s sick and disgusting. But what’s really outrageous, according to Fox & Friends, Fox Nation, WND, the Daily Caller, and former congresscritter Allen West, is the horrifying double standard of the national media and professional race-baiters like Jesse Jackson, Al Sharpton, and Barack Obama, because they aren’t treating this murder of a white man by three black teens as an outrage, like they did the shooting of Trayvon Martin. Oh, except one of the “three black teens” is white. Also, they were arrested and charged right away, not given a handshake and a “Good job standing your ground, dude!” by the police. Otherwise, the two killings are virtually identical. Read more on Forget ‘White Hispanic'; Daily Caller, Fox, Find White Teen Who Is ‘Black’…