Tag Archives: fox & friends

  The real killer is still out there

Fox ‘Psychiatrist’ Keith Ablow: Let’s Charge Michael Brown’s Family With His Murder!

This crack team is on the case to find the real killer
In the ongoing competition to blame every single person in America for the death of Ferguson teenager Michael Brown — except, of course, for the guy who actually shot him to death — Fox News “psychiatrist” Keith Ablow has the new, niftiest theory of all: it was Brown’s family what done it! Read more on Fox ‘Psychiatrist’ Keith Ablow: Let’s Charge Michael Brown’s Family With His Murder!…
  Why are we hating Obama today?

Donald Trump Demands To Know Why Obama’s Doing All That Thuggy Violence In Ferguson

They're just asking what no one's thinking
The brain trust that is Fox & Friends has a very important question for America: “Is Obama administration inciting violence in Ferguson?” The answer is yes, duh, that’s a rhetorical question, but let’s turn to YOOOOGE brain guy Donald Trump to further explain. With all hell breaking loose in Ferguson, Missouri, how can we blame this on President Obama? Trump knows just how! Read more on Donald Trump Demands To Know Why Obama’s Doing All That Thuggy Violence In Ferguson…
  How To Get A Head At Newscorp

Fox Idiot: Why Does Barack Obama Want You To Get Beheaded?

Just like the Rapture, any day now...
Hey, did you hear about that beheading in Oklahoma last week? Did you know that beheadings are on the rise here in U.S. America, with over 100% more beheadings by fired ex-convicts in September 2014 than in the whole rest of the year? Fortunately, killer Alton Nolen was stopped from attacking a second worker at Vaughan Foods when the company’s Chief Operating Officer, Mark Vaughan, shot him. This proves that if your executive staff includes an off-duty Sheriff’s Reserve deputy who is nearby with his or her weapon handy, you will never ever have to worry about more than one person at your business getting beheaded. Read more on Fox Idiot: Why Does Barack Obama Want You To Get Beheaded?…
  Won't someone PLEASE think of the children's cartoons?

Tucker Carlson Will Not ‘Bate To Wonder Woman Any More. Thanks Obama.

The liberals stole his pipe
Is there nothing sacred that liberals won’t destroy with their liberal liberalism like a bunch of liberal liberals? No, of course not, that’s a stupid question, back of the classroom for you, and don’t forget your dunce cap. Read more on Tucker Carlson Will Not ‘Bate To Wonder Woman Any More. Thanks Obama….
  You have a First Amendment right to pray to any Jesus you want

Fox News So Mad At Oklahoma Satanists

He is A Expert
The Fox gang was having a nice Sunday morning chat about Adam McDaniel, the leader of the Dakhma of Angra Mainyu Syndicate, a Satanic group in Oklahoma that organized a public mass to be held in Oklahoma City’s Civic Center. You’ll be shocked to know that Fox and its official religion contributor have all of a sudden discovered just how wrong it is to allow a religious service on public property. So. Very. Wrong. Read more on Fox News So Mad At Oklahoma Satanists…
  Ready For ISIS...But What About Shazam?

Crazy Fox & Friends Sheriff Will Make ISIS Pee Themselves, Ayup!

Sheriff Elmer Fudd
Meet Sheriff Gary Painter of Midland County, Texas. He is not going to let ISIS invade his beautiful American Texas of the United States, no sir! In what can only be described as performance art, Fox & Friends’ Elizabeth Hasselbeck and the sheriff traded rightwing blog rumors about the imminent — or perhaps already underway!!!! — ISIS invasion of America. That would be the invasion that Homeland Security has said is not happening and is not a threat, but why would you believe the Department of Homeland Security over a local Texas sheriff? Read more on Crazy Fox & Friends Sheriff Will Make ISIS Pee Themselves, Ayup!…
  Do The Rice Thing

Fox & Friends Really Hurt You Thought They Were Joking About Wifebeating When They Joked About Wifebeating

Screenshot from Fox News employee training video
Women, huh? You can’t live with ’em, you can’t punch ’em unconscious in an elevator, know what I mean, fellas? And now it seems that a lot of sniveling liberals just can’t take a joke, as seen in the internet’s complete overreaction to some innocent banter on Fox & Friends yesterday, when Steve Doocy and Brian Kilmeade shared a harmless chuckle over the video of Ray Rice coldcocking Janay Palmer. Read more on Fox & Friends Really Hurt You Thought They Were Joking About Wifebeating When They Joked About Wifebeating…
  Violence In The NFL?

NFL Fires Ray Rice After Realizing Beating Up Women Is Bad, At Least If It’s On Video

People Not To Date, #762 in a series
There is absolutely nothing funny about the new video that TMZ acquired, showing Ray Rice’s actual assault on his then-fiancée, Janay Palmer, back in February. It’s reprehensible, and the only good news in the whole horrible story is that Rice has been fired by the Baltimore Ravens. He’s also been placed on indefinite suspension by the NFL, and maybe on extra double-secret probation, too. We were a bit astonished when we saw that, and assumed that Rice must have been caught smoking pot or something. Read more on NFL Fires Ray Rice After Realizing Beating Up Women Is Bad, At Least If It’s On Video…
  Your morning cup of wut?

Fox Solves All Your Selfie Problems, Alaska Is REALLY Weird, And Other News You Can Maybe Use

Just look in the mirror
It’s hump day. So, uh, hump something? While some people are upset about nekkid self-portraits (what the kids these days who should get off our lawn call “selfies”) floating around the interwebs without their consent, Fox News has the perfect solution, as usual. Tell us what it is, Fox & Friends host Steve Doocy (he’s the blond one, we think): Read more on Fox Solves All Your Selfie Problems, Alaska Is REALLY Weird, And Other News You Can Maybe Use…
  I know you are but what am I?

Fox & Friends: God Hates Feminists

Attention ladies! Do you know what you want, what you really really want? Probably not, so how about you listen to these three hotties – WHOM YR WONKETTE RESPECTS FOR THEIR MINDS AS WELL AS THEIR FEMININITY – yap at you about some feminist idea or other that’s floating through their well-coiffed heads while they show some leg to the geriatric shut-ins who make up the Fox & Friends audience. Read more on Fox & Friends: God Hates Feminists…
  things that go bump in the night

Conservatives Cranking Terror Alert Level Up To OMG! WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!!

Wonketteers, we do not wish to alarm you about the threat from ISIS, but you should be SHITTING YOUR PANTS IN TERROR BECAUSE THEY ARE COMING FOR YOU AND EVERYTHING YOU HAVE EVERY LOVED. Or at least that seems to be the conservative talking point for the week after the tragic beheading of photojournalist James Foley by militants in Syria. Which is not to play down the insanity of ISIS at all; it is a vicious bunch of assholes. (Even Peggy Noonan was appropriately clear-eyed about the group in today’s column – pants-shitting terror has a way of sobering up even the most wasted of drunks.) But still, some of this might be a bit excessive. Read more on Conservatives Cranking Terror Alert Level Up To OMG! WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!!…
  Thugghazi

Laura Ingraham Explains That Thugs Gonna Thug

Think tank is so thinky
In times of civil unrest and racial tension and cops killing unarmed black teenagers, the number one expert you want to explain it to you is wingnut radio gum-flapper Laura Ingraham. That’s just obvious, at least if you are a Fox & Friends bobblehead: Read more on Laura Ingraham Explains That Thugs Gonna Thug…
  once you see you can't unsee

Tucker Carlson Would Like You To Know He’d Totally Fap To This Girl Who Shot A Gazelle

So earlier in the World Cup (sportsball! woo!) there was a girl that was apparently the most beautiful-est sportsball fan, and she got offered a hair modeling contract with L’Oreal. But then she posted a super cool photo on her Facebook account posing with a gazelle she had shot on a big game hunting trip. This made people sad, and when people get sad on the Internet, they yell at companies that are making them sad, so L’Oreal made her contract go away. This, in turn, made Tucker Carlson and his posse of stupid very mad and very sad. Read more on Tucker Carlson Would Like You To Know He’d Totally Fap To This Girl Who Shot A Gazelle…
  live remote comes a crapper

Unhelpful Fox Fans Fail To Get Outraged By Gender-Neutral Restroom Sign

Poor Fox Newsdouche Steve Doocy clearly didn’t prep his group of “Fox fans” well enough for this segment on Wednesday’s Fox & Friends. The point of the segment was to profess shock and horror at the “PC Police” at Illinois State University, which recently announced it would be re-designating “family restrooms” as “all-gender” restrooms, and putting up new signs on the doors, which every single member of the Fox & Friends cast professed to be utterly impossible to understand, because what are these crazy PC lunatics trying to cram down our throats in the bathroom anyway? Read more on Unhelpful Fox Fans Fail To Get Outraged By Gender-Neutral Restroom Sign…
  life tips for ladies

Princeton Mom Plus Fox & Friends Is Your New Match Made In Hell, America

Remember Princeton Mom? We love the Princeton Mom, Susan Patton! She’s that delightfully deluded anger lady that shamesplained to all the women about how college is a time for meeting men, not for book learning, and how you should stop waiting for that promotion at work and start making eyes at your handsome man boss. Of course she’s a living breathing made-for-Fox-TV movie, so she showed up on Fox & Friends on a segment that was titled, apparently completely unironically, “Husband Appreciation: Sage Advice For Wives.” Read more on Princeton Mom Plus Fox & Friends Is Your New Match Made In Hell, America…
  the longest cray-cray

What If Fox News Had Covered D-Day?

You guys, Fox News thinks that President Roosevelt screwed the pooch again. After yesterday’s amphibious landings in Normandy, the network grudgingly agreed that Allied troops had established a beachhead in France, but they were really not happy with how Our Boys pulled it off, insisting that the casualties were unacceptably high, speculating that “Two-Wheeler Delano” picked such a dangerous location for the invasion so that it would fail, and blaming Roosevelt for the invasion’s terrible planning, like the dropping of paratroopers dozens of miles off their target: “How would President Roosevelt face the parents of these brave fighting men who parachuted into flooded fields and drowned?” asked Sean Hannity. “Are the grieving families supposed to simply accept ‘cloud cover over the drop zone’ or ‘the planes were dodging flak’ as an excuse?” Hannity called for President Chairdaddy’s resignation, asking “why does anyone still trust this president, after his demonstrated failures in protecting Pearl Harbor? Or the Philippines?” Read more on What If Fox News Had Covered D-Day?…
  can't live with 'em can't burn 1211 avenue of the americas to the ground

Take Fox Douche Brian Kilmeade’s Wife. Please!

Remember that old Steve Allen show, Meeting of Minds, where he’d put together a panel of actors playing great historical figures and have them “discuss” some important idea? You know, like Socrates and Marx and Thomas Paine talking about freedom or something? Looks like Fox News is trying to revive the concept, only they have to work with whoever’s handy, so Monday we got Brian Kilmeade and Steve Doocy explaining to guys how to talk to their wives. Taking the Walter Mitty position was Mr. Doocy, who said, “One of the things is if you say, ‘Yes, dear,’ that’s appropriate because it derails any argument … Plus, my wife is always right anyway.” This — despite having the bizarre effect of making Wonkette like Steve Doocy for a second, which is probably the most surprising thing about the segment — seemed rather condescending to Mr. Kilmeade, who offered the Kramdenesque riposte, “That’s like saying, ‘I know my wife is wrong, but I’m going to say she’s right just so I don’t have to hear it,’ … To me, you have to give the women the respect to engage in a interplay.” Instead, suggested Kilmeade, you fellas would get a lot farther respecting her intellect, and saying, “I would like to challenge you on this, baby doll.” Kudos to whoever on the Fox & Friends staff who added the “zing” sound effect. Read more on Take Fox Douche Brian Kilmeade’s Wife. Please!…
  nitpick o' the day

Fox & Friends Botches Spelling In Story About Dictionaries; Pobody’s Nerfect!

Oh, Fox News, we love your unpaid interns, or whoever types up the chyrons for your news segments. In a Fox & Friends story about new words being added to the Merriam-Webster Dictionary, Elisabeth Hasselbeck (R-NotGretchen) some new Fox newsblonde whose name Mediaite didn’t mention told us that the latest edition of the dictionary was adding 150 new terms, including “selfie,” “baby bump,” and “Yooper” (a resident of Michigan’s Upper Penninsula). And of course, the chyron below her proclaimed “It’s Official: ‘Selife’ and ‘Yooper’ Added to Dictionary.'” Read more on Fox & Friends Botches Spelling In Story About Dictionaries; Pobody’s Nerfect!…
  9 1/2 Yards

Donald Trump Simply Does Not Care For Gay Ram Michael Sam’s Erotic Food Play

Did you magically become a St. Louis Rams fan when Michael Sam joyfully kissed his cute boyfriend after Saturday’s draft? US TOO! Donald Trump and his fellow idiots at Fox & Friends, however, did not! The several kisses were closed-mouthed and respectable, because Michael Sam only gets naughty on video when there are gay lesbian ladies throwing panties at him. (He is a lover, that Michael Sam.) Read more on Donald Trump Simply Does Not Care For Gay Ram Michael Sam’s Erotic Food Play…
  fox news unamerican committee strikes again

Allen West, Fox & Friends Expose Muslim Plot To Jihad America With Votes

You guys, there is some serious UN-AMERICAN activity happening, and we bet you don’t know about it! According to Allen West on Fox & Friends, there is a secret Muslim plot in America to… wait for it… become politically organized in order to push for policies that are more friendly towards Muslims. Now is the appropriate time to FREAK THE FUCK OUT. Seriously, freak out, dammit. What’s wrong with you? Why aren’t you freaking out! Did you not click on that video? Did you not see the graphic of “Islamic Extremism on the Rise,” with totally not-racist pictures of men in turbans wielding rocket-launchers? This threat will ruin American civilization and likely cause the death of all kittens, because it is THAT BAD. If your hands aren’t shaking too much, let’s scaresplore this threat to life, liberty, and religious freedom the American way.  Read more on Allen West, Fox & Friends Expose Muslim Plot To Jihad America With Votes…