Wonkette

Oh flippeter floppeter! Remember how Barack Obama made so much fun of John McCain for wanting to form a “9/11 Commission” to investigate the terrorist financial bomb that hit Wall Street this weekend so that the commission could, in a year or two, make a bunch of recommendations for everyone to ignore? Well it turns out that Obama used to love commissions and voted in favor of a number of them over the years, so now he will be found guilty of treason and banished to outer space to count rats forever. [YouTube via Instapundit]

It’s hard to imagine the primitive world of, say, 2000, when we didn’t have “smart phones” with web browsers and breaking news updates from CNN about a motherfucking horse in a ditch somewhere. Besides, Fox News broke this breaking story a year and a half ago. Fuck you, CNN Mobile. (Thanks, “Zach E.,” for sharing.)

A while back our boyfriend Alec Baldwin said he would go to Canada if George W. Bush was elected, but he ended up staying in country and calling his daughter a pig and Redeeming himself on a funny television show. Now his stupider brother Stephen is threatening to leave America one Baldwin poorer if Barack Obama gets elected. MORE »

So your editor had to get the satellite teevee because he just moved his entire family including small children and a dog to the Mojave Desert far from your evil civilization. And check it out: The Direct TV has this “News Mix” channel which is what you see pictured. All the news channels! You can just move through them with the little buttons on your remote, and get the audio off whichever you need/have to hear at that moment. This is some kind of techmologies revolution! [NewsMix]

Oh hey those FASCISTS at FOX censored SALLY FIELD. We figure she owes them big-time because jesus christ that’s one crazy lady. These awards shows are on a short broadcast delay so that when whatever crazy actor starts screaming “FUCK JESUS” it can be bleeped so poor people won’t lose their faith or whatever — the Flying Nut apparently said “goddamned war.” Anyway, if your MOM RULED THE WORLD it would kind of suck, too. Also, this is apparently from last night. Sally Field’s still alive? Did they finally make “Smokey and the Bandit IV?”

Sally Field, Ray Romano bleeped at Emmys [Reuters]

A big-ass bridge collapsed for no apparent fucking reason in your East Coast editor’s hometown yesterday. Nine people are confirmed dead, but with fifty cars tumbling into the river and at least twelve still at the bottom of the fucking Mississippi and 20 (30? 65?) people missing, you can bet that number’s gonna rise a bit over the course of the week.

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Roger Ailes, Fox News head, is BFF with Rudy Giuliani, adulterous abortion-funding GOP front-runner. Roger was Rudy’s first media consultant, Rudy officiated Roger’s wedding. Now, for come crazy reason, Rudy spends more time on Fox News than any of the other 600 candidates running for the Republican nomination! How could that be? MORE »

Due to the fact that “Larry” is not even remotely easy to confuse with “Billy” we’re forced to assume that the Fox News team was the first in the nation to break the story of the tragic death of Larry Graham’s wife. MORE »

Ohio crackpot Thomas Potter doesn’t believe the government’s official story of what happened on 9/11, and to prove his point, he found three listings for “Usama bin Laden” in an internet phone book. MORE »

If you missed the Republican debate last night, well, we envy you. The mildly amusing bits included:

* The chimes indicating that a question’s alloted time was through, or that a candidate had gone on long enough, prompting a member of the celebrity panel of judges to “gong” them.
* John Edwards gay jokes.
* Ron Paul blaming America first.

The most wrist-slittingly entertaining moment, though, came not from any candidate, but from the debate organizers. To close out the debate, Fox News’ Brit Hume asked each candidate about “a fictional, but we think plausible scenario”: Three malls near “major US cities” attacked by suicide bombers. The would-be bombers of a fourth mall have been captured and sent to Guantamo. HOW HARD WILL YOU TORTURE THEM?

As you can see in the above clip, John McCain stumbled, and Mitt Romney promised to lock up thousands more in a hundred new Guantanamo Bays.

After the jump, Republicans applaud waterboarding.

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It’s Friday, so here’s the General Counsel for the Black Panther Party calling Michelle Malkin a whore on Fox. MORE »

FishbowlDC reports: MORE »

Quitcher bitchin’, libtards! There hasn’t been a single US death in Iraq since the new year, according to Fox’s constantly-updated list! MORE »