Tag: founding fathers

Who Wants To Repeal The Second Amendment? Wonkette Raises Both Hands!

A sentence that determines our laws shouldn't be as open to interpretation as Ophelia's flower speech.

Seven Times The Media Lied About Trump’s New HUD Pick, Ben Carson, By Quoting Him

The media's always misunderstood poor Ben Carson. Thanks to Donald Trump, he can keep on making no sense at all.
David Brooks, serious typist for the Times

David Brooks Would Like Young Black Football Players To Stop Kneeling On His Lawn

Won't somebody please think of the white people?

Jerk America-Haters Won’t Wish Allen West Happy Independence Day

Allen West is here to police your holiday greeting habits.

Second Amendment Nuts So Mad Bill O’Reilly Doesn’t Want Them To Overthrow The Government

Yes, apparently Bill O'Reilly is far too liberal now!

Maybe Ted Cruz Should Shoot Donald Trump In The Face, As Our Founders Intended

Things sure have heated up in the Republican presidential primary! Harsh words have been spoke, mean names have been called, and uncouth lout Donald J. Trump is accusing decent gentleman Ted Cruz of being an "unhinged" and "unstable" liar...
And remember, sweetie, the termites go in after we bake it.

You Know Who Had It Pretty Good? George Washington’s Slaves

For inclusion in your "How did anyone think THAT was a good idea?" files (Martin Luther King Holiday edition): Scholastic Books has recalled a children's book depicting happy slaves joyfully preparing a cake for their owner's birthday. Apparently some...

President Marco Rubio’s Constitutional Convention Is Gonna Be So Cool You Guys

It's a regrettably completely true truism that Republicans absolutely hate government, even as they've spent their entire careers swaddled in the warm embrace of a state or federal paycheck. In fact, it is really only the Terrible Tyrant Trump...

Ben Carson Remembers That Time Ben Franklin Gave God A Beej

Brilliant brain doctor Ben Carson is not only great at butchering live baby parts in half (true story!), but he is also great at historical fiction. And not just the Bible kind, though that is his specialty. In October, Carson appeared on Jesus...

Ben Carson Big Fan Of Guy Who Did Constitution, Old Whatshisname

Brilliant neurosurgeon Dr. Ben Carson might not be "briefed fully" on how the rest of the world works, and his own advisers might be struggling making his brain smart on the "complex" foreign stuff, but when it comes to...
bringing out the best in us since 2005

Walmart And Pals Trying To Lower Black Friday Body Count, How Nice!

Among our country's holidays, perhaps none is truly more American than Black Friday. After a day of food, football, and listening to an uncle say "that Ted Cruz makes some good points about the Gold Standard," we are given the option to unleash our...
This picture terrifies us, but it came from here (IMAGE CREDIT!) so blame them.

Jesus Endorses Mike Huckabee For President, Sends All Other Candidates To Hell

Hey there, fundamentalist Christian fuckweasels, how ya doing? Confused about election season? Wanting to make sure you've picked the right candidate, and won't accidentally support somebody who'll make you ride Kim Davis like a donkey all the way to...
The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report, Presented By Fartknocker

The Fartknocker Report: Sarah Palin Channel Announces Blowout Sale, All Derp Must Go

August 1 is quittin' time for the Sarah Palin Channel, so the gang up in Wasilla is scrambling to move existing inventory. We've got three videos for you this week, one on gun rights and scary home invasions, one featuring...
Maybe Jesus is a Messican guy who lives in the city.

Jesus Christ Welcomes You To Hawkins, Texas, But Not In Some ‘Religious’ Way

The mean liberals at the Freedom From Religion Foundation have found their latest target, and it is the innocent residents of Hawkins, Texas, who really like the big ugly-ass sign they have at the entrance to town that says...
Definitely not an NWA fan.

Bill O’Reilly Very Sad Americans Are Divorcing Jesus, Jiving On The Rap Music, And Smoking Crack

Bill O'Reilly is very upset. A new Pew poll has shown that the super-majority of Americans who identify as Christian is not quite as super as it used to be. Just eight years ago, 78.4 percent of the population was Christian,...
Dang bitches, ruining marriage for everybody.

Phyllis Schlafly’s Niece Pines For Olden Days When A Man Could Get A Little Ass From His Wife

Marriage, it is under attack, on both sides of the Atlantic! And Phyllis Schlafly's niece, Suzanne Venker, knows why, because Venker has spent many years studying at the base of Schlafly's gargoyle hooves, and she's picked up a little...