Tag Archives: founding fathers

  America is cancelled

Bill O’Reilly Very Sad Americans Are Divorcing Jesus, Jiving On The Rap Music, And Smoking Crack

Definitely not an NWA fan.
Bill O’Reilly is very upset. A new Pew poll has shown that the super-majority of Americans who identify as Christian is not quite as super as it used to be. Just eight years ago, 78.4 percent of the population was Christian, and now that number is only 70.6 percent, sadface. So who is to blame? Is it the Jooz and the Muslims? MAYBE! Their numbers have grown by a whopping 0.2 percent and 0.5 percent, respectively. They are attacking Americans with their matzoh balls and their Sharia law! But no, the real culprit is the “unaffiliated” lot, who are now a full 22.8 percent of the population. Bill O’Reilly knows what it causing this, and it is rap music: Read more on Bill O’Reilly Very Sad Americans Are Divorcing Jesus, Jiving On The Rap Music, And Smoking Crack…
  probably the gays' fault too

Phyllis Schlafly’s Niece Pines For Olden Days When A Man Could Get A Little Ass From His Wife

Dang bitches, ruining marriage for everybody.
Marriage, it is under attack, on both sides of the Atlantic! And Phyllis Schlafly’s niece, Suzanne Venker, knows why, because Venker has spent many years studying at the base of Schlafly’s gargoyle hooves, and she’s picked up a little information along the way. Before we even get in to reading, and thus mocking, this column, let’s make a guess as to how it goes: Feminists ruined marriage by saying “Hey, we would like to be equal and also not be shamed about sex,” which led to gays taking marriage and making it more egalitarian, and now the straight men have no power, and nobody in Europe or US America gets married, and all because some pit-haired 1960s lady named Bernice wanted the freedom to fuck. Let’s see how close we are! Read more on Phyllis Schlafly’s Niece Pines For Olden Days When A Man Could Get A Little Ass From His Wife…
  pray the concussions away

Allen West Can Keep Football Players From Getting Hurt, Just By Saying A Little Prayer!

Is there nothing this man CANNOT fail at, we mean do?
Allen West, the Guardian of the Republic vile, disgraced torture fetishist and congressional race-loser who is also a creepazoid sex pervert, took some time off from those activities recently to discuss football injuries, and the best way to prevent them. No, it is not about padding or anything like that, it is prayer! You see, Allen West played football in high school, so he is an expert. Speaking to a wingnut group in Texas, West explained that back in HIS day, they made sure to pray before every single game, and because of that, he doesn’t remember ANYBODY getting injured or paralyzed. Read more on Allen West Can Keep Football Players From Getting Hurt, Just By Saying A Little Prayer!…
  Only Half As Stupid As He Sounds

Ben Carson Says ISIS Pretty Much Like American Founders, Except Maybe For The Wigs

You know who ELSE called some terrorists the moral equivalent of the founding fathers?
Speaking at the Republican National Committee’s winter meeting Thursday, Ben “I Am TOO A Serious Contender” Carson did one of those “Ben Carson says something crazy” things that we know and love so well, comparing the terrorists of ISIS to America’s Founding Fathers. But don’t you go thinking he’s nuts or anything, because he is not. Read more on Ben Carson Says ISIS Pretty Much Like American Founders, Except Maybe For The Wigs…
  Founding Fodder

Colorado Students Ditch Class, Refuse To Love America

George Washington crossing the Red River
Students at several Denver-area high schools walked out of classes Monday and Tuesday to protest a proposal by conservative school board members to make the district’s Advanced Placement U.S. History classes more patriotic and America-loving. The board, sharing widespread concerns that revisions to the AP US History framework will be nothing but liberal propaganda, recently proposed a committee that would make sure school curricula only taught Goodthink: Read more on Colorado Students Ditch Class, Refuse To Love America…
  janie's got a gun

Awesome NRA Video Explains Why Shooting Should Be Taught In Schools

It's time for this guy again
Here’s a very edgy and forward-thinking editorial video from the NRA’s Billy Johnson, explaining that we need to change the way we think about guns. After all, since guns are something that everyone in America needs, we should treat them exactly like education, public recreation, and jobs, and make them a government priority, not something government tries to suppress. It’s a fascinating “what if” that sounds like something a first-year composition teacher might receive from a student who spent all night doing “bong hits” and “rapping” with a roommate at Liberty University. If America were really serious about living up to its ideals, he says, it would promote guns, and have a gun policy that’s “driven by our need for guns.” Now, you may think you do not need a gun, but that is because you are Not American. Read more on Awesome NRA Video Explains Why Shooting Should Be Taught In Schools…
  back in suffragette city

‘Historian': If You Let Women Vote, Next They Will Drive Roadsters And Smoke Virginia Slims

It’s been a little while since we’ve checked in with America’s Worst “Historian,” David Barton; last time we talked about him was in November, when he was explaining the science of how Abortion causes climate change. Following that detour into the sciences, he seems to have returned to his primary field of study, lying about American history. On his exciting “Wallbuilders Live” podcast Thursday — which you should listen to if only for the red-white-and-bluegasm theme song, complete with fighter jet flyover — Barton made up a nice story about why women weren’t given the vote when the Constitution was written: It’s because the Founders wanted to preserve the American family, which would be riven by strife if women were allowed to vote differently from their husbands. How very true this might be, if only you close your eyes and wish hard enough! Read more on ‘Historian': If You Let Women Vote, Next They Will Drive Roadsters And Smoke Virginia Slims…
  founding feathers

Matt Bevin Respects Founding Fathers’ Devotion To Chicken Fighting

Kentucky Senate candidate Matt Bevin just can’t seem to stop talking about the fundamental American right to make a sport out of watching animals tear each other to pieces, because god knows he needs to try to find some way of spinning that speech he gave at a pro-cockfighting rally last weekend. First he tried to explain that as far as he knew, it was just a pro-states’ rights group, even though the organizers said that legalizing cockfighting was pretty much the focus of the whole shebang. But now Bevin’s going to see if invoking the Founding Fathers will do him any good, since everyone knows that all true Americans want to return to the late 18th century, as long as we can still have Twitter, microwave pizza, and NASCAR. Read more on Matt Bevin Respects Founding Fathers’ Devotion To Chicken Fighting…
  a confederacy of dunces

Congresscritters Bachmann, Gohmert, & King Love Egyptian Coup, Think Muslim Brotherhood Did 9/11

America’s three stupidest congresscritters, Michele Bachmann, Louie Gohmert, and Steve King (the cantaloupe guy, not the IRA guy), held a press conference Saturday to praise the Egyptian military for overthrowing the elected government and for its recent attempt to eliminate the Muslim Brotherhood; they also expressed their support for continued arms sales to the military government and urged it to “stand firm” against terrorism. The three appeared to attribute all terrorism to the Muslim Brotherhood, because it has the scary name “Muslim Brotherhood” after all. Read more on Congresscritters Bachmann, Gohmert, & King Love Egyptian Coup, Think Muslim Brotherhood Did 9/11…
  help help i'm being repressed

Pennsylvania Proves Government Can Work! (At Passing Laws That Suppress The Minority Vote)

Remember all that conspiracy around the election when Democrats were saying that Republicans were trying to suppress democratic voters and Republicans were all, “Naw, mang, we just really care about voter fraud from predominantly minority populations.” But then officials kept accidentally spilling the beans on the true intent, like Pennsylvania GOP House Leader Mike Turzai who said that the new voter ID law, “is gonna allow Governor Romney to win the state of Pennsylvania.” Whoopsie. Now it turns out that the voter ID law meant to purely prevent fraud actually did help suppress (oppress? repress?) Democratic voters, according to Pennsylvania GOP Chairman Rob Gleason (via ThinkProgress): As Pennsylvania’s GOP Chairman Rob Gleason told Pennsylvania Cable Network earlier this week, the party “cut Obama by 5 percent” in 2012 and “probably Voter ID had helped a bit in that.” Good thing we have that Voting Rights Act* to protect voters. HAHAHA, JUST KIDDING motherfuckers because the Supreme Court said the Voting Rights Act was unconstitutional!! More good times ahead.   Read more on Pennsylvania Proves Government Can Work! (At Passing Laws That Suppress The Minority Vote)…
  violent love (of freedumb)

Ted Nugent Is Very Concerned About All This Rape. Of the Constitution. By Libruls.

Constitutional scholar, NRA board member, and serial fact assaulter Ted Nugent, miraculously still neither dead nor in jail, would just like America to know that we do not need to fear easy access to guns by ordinary Americans like Adam Lanza (no prior convictions) or James Holmes (no priors) or Jared Loughner (possession of drug paraphernalia and defacing a street sign). No, what Americans really need to fear are the “subhuman maggots” who “belong in cages,” but who Liberals constantly let out of prison alla time because liberals just love letting felons out of prison. So by focusing instead on trying to make deadly weapons just a little bit more difficult to obtain, Liberals are the real criminals who “rape our Constitution and urinate on the vision of our Founding Fathers.” Sounds like a thesis! Liberals are always the ones who want to try reasoning with the slime-drooling alien monsters in science fiction movies, after all. Read more on Ted Nugent Is Very Concerned About All This Rape. Of the Constitution. By Libruls….
  never ever getting back together

Matt Drudge Has Melancholy Breakup With America, Tweets Sad Poetry

Matt Drudge, long known as the man behind the homepage of the Internet for people who still think it’s 1998, has recently taken to posting on Twitter. Because he is basically just a crazy, hyperemotional shill, it turns out that what goes on under the hat is a continual teenage-lesbian-poetry breakup with America. Read more on Matt Drudge Has Melancholy Breakup With America, Tweets Sad Poetry…
  why can't i be you?

Emo Clarence Thomas Watches Saving Private Ryan To Buck Himself Up

Why so sad, Clarence Thomas? [Clarence] Thomas can on occasion be melancholy in his speeches, such as saying he sometimes envies the seemingly carefree lives he sees from his chamber windows. Several years ago, he told a group of high school students that he sometimes gets “morose,” and bucks himself up by reading inspirational speeches or retreating to the basement to watch the movie “Saving Private Ryan.” What are some happier movies with which Clarence Thomas can console himself for the terrible burden of having a lifelong gig bossing presidents and snuggling with ol’ Cuddles Scalia? Read more on Emo Clarence Thomas Watches Saving Private Ryan To Buck Himself Up…
  got me on my knees ayla

Daughter Of Regular-Guy-With-Six-Houses Scott Brown Totally Loving Her Obamacare

Regular Joe/guy with six houses/US Senator from the great state of TAXACHUSETTS Scott Brown would like to run Obamacare over with his famous pickup truck! Massachusetts already HAS health care, after all, thanks to Obamacare godfather MittRomneyCare, so why should they have to kick in for the tabs of all those other stupid states? (You know: like blue states always kick in for the welfare of Alabammy and Alaska, even though Alaska is already socialist.) But maybe until Scott Brown has killed Bammerzcares dead his hot rock star daughter could take advantage of staying on her parents’ insurance until she turns 26? Sure, why the hell not! Read more on Daughter Of Regular-Guy-With-Six-Houses Scott Brown Totally Loving Her Obamacare…
  filmed before a live studio audience

New Mexico Cop Has Explosive Situation On His Hands (VIDEO)

Sergeant Mike Eiskant, a Santa Fe police officer, was caught utilizing his inch high private eye while on duty. Luckily for him, he will be able to put it behind him once the video stops going viral. Officer Eiskant is a private man, which is why he chose a marked police car with a dash cam. Although the dash cam was pointed in another direction, the audio is clear. Almost a dozen hours of the video was obtained, but only a sample of audio was released. Seargant Eiskant is actually for real badge #69. He is considered to be armed and relaxed. His dedication to masturbation in public and being a police officer has caused him recognition in the past according to former officer Shannon Brady. The former officer recalls his bad reputation as a stalker of women and a ‘creeper’. Brady claims to have been harassed by Sgt. Eikant and even filed a complaint with Human Resources. Nothing seems to have come of the complaint other than having been used as a napkin during Officer Eikant’s ‘lunch hour’. Wonkette has gathered enough masturbation resources over the years and was able to reconstruct the missing transcripts: Read more on New Mexico Cop Has Explosive Situation On His Hands (VIDEO)…
  great historarians of our time

Rick Santorum Does Too Love Ladies, Like Those Female Founding Fathers

No surprise here: Rick Santorum lost with every single category of woman voter in Michigan’s primary. Although, this could still be considered something of an accomplishment, seeing as how much of the nation learned only two (2) months ago that there was an unfortunate idiot with “capital-S” Santorum for a surname — what ill luck! — and seeing also that the candidate lacks the obvious sleaziness of a Newt Gingrich with his collection of wives or a Herman Cain trying to practice his love all over the place, gross. But Rick Santorum is just that solid a lady-repelling lunatic. Except that, aren’t elections about winning votes? SHIT, when did that memo go around? Quick, Rick, say something to win the women back to your side, something great about women that no wingnut can possibly get upset about. Here goes: “The men and women who signed that [Declaration of Independence] wrote the final phrase, ‘We pledge to each other our lives, our fortune, and our sacred honor,” he says. No, Rick, you cannot just pick something you like that men got to do and pretend some ladies got to do it also. Read more on Rick Santorum Does Too Love Ladies, Like Those Female Founding Fathers…
  guest cpacalypse

A Brief Guide To CPAC’s Terrifying Exhibit(ion) Hall

This is a special post by longtime reader/commenter “Bilbo,” we’ll call him, who is voluntarily covering CPAC for your Wonkette! How nuts is that? Anyway here is his first post of several posts, enjoy! Jim Newell will post more things, maybe, after he kills himself. By Bilbo Read more on A Brief Guide To CPAC’s Terrifying Exhibit(ion) Hall…
  burning man for bigots

CPAC Gangsta Rap Number More or Less Satan’s Cue to Destroy Earth

Here you go, dear readers, here is a little Friday warm up for whatever other terrible decisions you have planned for the weekend: watch this video of some Fox News dildo and his sidekick as they flop around in fruity wigs and rain down the musical equivalent of ten million anesthesia-free lobotomies on a delighted CPAC audience. Don’t miss the part near the end with the hysterical screams of “KNICKERS! I CAN SAY KNICKERS!!” as the black guy walks out. Read more on CPAC Gangsta Rap Number More or Less Satan’s Cue to Destroy Earth…
  old-timey cpacalypse

Founders Rise From The Dead To Discuss Our Failure, At CPAC

Did your Wonkette visit this thing, at CPAC, called “Founder Roundtable: Where Did We Go Wrong?” featuring Thomas Jefferson, James Madison, Benjamin Franklin, Alexander Hamilton, “Tom” Paine, and Patrick Henry? UMM MAYBE. Look at them all there, behind their old-timey projector. When we left, the debate was still about whether the Constitution was one big old dumb mistake. “It was the human beings that destroyed it,” some Founder said. And that’s what he said to defend the Constitution! What a shitty country. Read more on Founders Rise From The Dead To Discuss Our Failure, At CPAC…
  dept. of edumacation reform

Tennessee Tea Party Don’t Want No Talk o’ Slavery In Them Schoolbooks

Tennessee teabaggers are growing tired of being corrected by their fifth-grade relatives every darn time they get a notion to holler some about how Thomas Jefferson was human history’s inventor of freedom — maybe it’s time to LEVEL THE PLAYING FIELD, HMMM KIDS? The state’s tea party leadership made an indignant request to the state legislature demanding schools quit teaching children that the Founding Fathers owned slaves or killed Indians or made any mistakes whatsoever at any time, which they expressed with a statement notable firstly for its losing battle with grammar and syntax: “We seek to compel the teaching of students in Tennessee the truth regarding the history of our nation and the nature of its government.” It has sort of a drunk Yoda ring to it, no? “Compel to teach the truth the students we will!” And then it’s pretty much downhill from there. Read more on Tennessee Tea Party Don’t Want No Talk o’ Slavery In Them Schoolbooks…
  our nation's greatest legislative achievements

GOP Rep. Explains Point of ‘In God We Trust’ Bill Was To Annoy Obama

House representatives thought fit to claim their salary today by overwhelmingly passing a bill “reaffirming” that “In God We Trust” is still the official slogan of the United States, even though this has been the case every single day since 1956. Why bother with this routine bit of depraved political theater? Because according to the goober Republican who sponsored it, Rep. Randy Forbes, “Almost a year ago, the president in making a speech across the world said that our national motto was ‘E pluribus unum.'” Which is not even in English! So screw Barack Obama if he can’t remember what America’s tagline is, Congress will pass an entire resolution to teach him a dumb lesson about it. But just as importantly, perhaps, it will also help remind citizens to file their numerous complaints about the country with God.  Read more on GOP Rep. Explains Point of ‘In God We Trust’ Bill Was To Annoy Obama…