Tag Archives: founding fathers

  We Watch So You Don't Have To

The Fartknocker Report: Sarah Palin Channel Announces Blowout Sale, All Derp Must Go

The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report, Presented By Fartknocker
August 1 is quittin’ time for the Sarah Palin Channel, so the gang up in Wasilla is scrambling to move existing inventory. We’ve got three videos for you this week, one on gun rights and scary home invasions, one featuring Ghost Thomas Jefferson, and one exercise in patriotic free-verse over what sounds to Yr Wonket like an old-school Casio synth track. It’s a glorious day here at The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report, Presented By Fartknocker, so let’s dive in. Read more on The Fartknocker Report: Sarah Palin Channel Announces Blowout Sale, All Derp Must Go…
  He's more like a Walmart greeter

Jesus Christ Welcomes You To Hawkins, Texas, But Not In Some ‘Religious’ Way

Maybe Jesus is a Messican guy who lives in the city.
The mean liberals at the Freedom From Religion Foundation have found their latest target, and it is the innocent residents of Hawkins, Texas, who really like the big ugly-ass sign they have at the entrance to town that says “Jesus welcomes you to Hawkins.” What’s the problem? Oh, it’s on city-owned land, which means the city is endorsing Jesus as a deity, when they are supposed to remain impartial, according to that quaint little thing called the United States Constitution. But hold on a minute, according to the mayor, this is FINE, because Jesus is not welcoming people in a RELIGIOUS way. It’s more because Jesus is so popular — guess he just likes to greet people, like at Walmart: Read more on Jesus Christ Welcomes You To Hawkins, Texas, But Not In Some ‘Religious’ Way…
  America is cancelled

Bill O’Reilly Very Sad Americans Are Divorcing Jesus, Jiving On The Rap Music, And Smoking Crack

Definitely not an NWA fan.
Bill O’Reilly is very upset. A new Pew poll has shown that the super-majority of Americans who identify as Christian is not quite as super as it used to be. Just eight years ago, 78.4 percent of the population was Christian, and now that number is only 70.6 percent, sadface. So who is to blame? Is it the Jooz and the Muslims? MAYBE! Their numbers have grown by a whopping 0.2 percent and 0.5 percent, respectively. They are attacking Americans with their matzoh balls and their Sharia law! But no, the real culprit is the “unaffiliated” lot, who are now a full 22.8 percent of the population. Bill O’Reilly knows what it causing this, and it is rap music: Read more on Bill O’Reilly Very Sad Americans Are Divorcing Jesus, Jiving On The Rap Music, And Smoking Crack…
  probably the gays' fault too

Phyllis Schlafly’s Niece Pines For Olden Days When A Man Could Get A Little Ass From His Wife

Dang bitches, ruining marriage for everybody.
Marriage, it is under attack, on both sides of the Atlantic! And Phyllis Schlafly’s niece, Suzanne Venker, knows why, because Venker has spent many years studying at the base of Schlafly’s gargoyle hooves, and she’s picked up a little information along the way. Before we even get in to reading, and thus mocking, this column, let’s make a guess as to how it goes: Feminists ruined marriage by saying “Hey, we would like to be equal and also not be shamed about sex,” which led to gays taking marriage and making it more egalitarian, and now the straight men have no power, and nobody in Europe or US America gets married, and all because some pit-haired 1960s lady named Bernice wanted the freedom to fuck. Let’s see how close we are! Read more on Phyllis Schlafly’s Niece Pines For Olden Days When A Man Could Get A Little Ass From His Wife…
  pray the concussions away

Allen West Can Keep Football Players From Getting Hurt, Just By Saying A Little Prayer!

Is there nothing this man CANNOT fail at, we mean do?
Allen West, the Guardian of the Republic vile, disgraced torture fetishist and congressional race-loser who is also a creepazoid sex pervert, took some time off from those activities recently to discuss football injuries, and the best way to prevent them. No, it is not about padding or anything like that, it is prayer! You see, Allen West played football in high school, so he is an expert. Speaking to a wingnut group in Texas, West explained that back in HIS day, they made sure to pray before every single game, and because of that, he doesn’t remember ANYBODY getting injured or paralyzed. Read more on Allen West Can Keep Football Players From Getting Hurt, Just By Saying A Little Prayer!…
  Only Half As Stupid As He Sounds

Ben Carson Says ISIS Pretty Much Like American Founders, Except Maybe For The Wigs

You know who ELSE called some terrorists the moral equivalent of the founding fathers?
Speaking at the Republican National Committee’s winter meeting Thursday, Ben “I Am TOO A Serious Contender” Carson did one of those “Ben Carson says something crazy” things that we know and love so well, comparing the terrorists of ISIS to America’s Founding Fathers. But don’t you go thinking he’s nuts or anything, because he is not. Read more on Ben Carson Says ISIS Pretty Much Like American Founders, Except Maybe For The Wigs…
  Founding Fodder

Colorado Students Ditch Class, Refuse To Love America

George Washington crossing the Red River
Students at several Denver-area high schools walked out of classes Monday and Tuesday to protest a proposal by conservative school board members to make the district’s Advanced Placement U.S. History classes more patriotic and America-loving. The board, sharing widespread concerns that revisions to the AP US History framework will be nothing but liberal propaganda, recently proposed a committee that would make sure school curricula only taught Goodthink: Read more on Colorado Students Ditch Class, Refuse To Love America…
  janie's got a gun

Awesome NRA Video Explains Why Shooting Should Be Taught In Schools

It's time for this guy again
Here’s a very edgy and forward-thinking editorial video from the NRA’s Billy Johnson, explaining that we need to change the way we think about guns. After all, since guns are something that everyone in America needs, we should treat them exactly like education, public recreation, and jobs, and make them a government priority, not something government tries to suppress. It’s a fascinating “what if” that sounds like something a first-year composition teacher might receive from a student who spent all night doing “bong hits” and “rapping” with a roommate at Liberty University. If America were really serious about living up to its ideals, he says, it would promote guns, and have a gun policy that’s “driven by our need for guns.” Now, you may think you do not need a gun, but that is because you are Not American. Read more on Awesome NRA Video Explains Why Shooting Should Be Taught In Schools…
  back in suffragette city

‘Historian': If You Let Women Vote, Next They Will Drive Roadsters And Smoke Virginia Slims

It’s been a little while since we’ve checked in with America’s Worst “Historian,” David Barton; last time we talked about him was in November, when he was explaining the science of how Abortion causes climate change. Following that detour into the sciences, he seems to have returned to his primary field of study, lying about American history. On his exciting “Wallbuilders Live” podcast Thursday — which you should listen to if only for the red-white-and-bluegasm theme song, complete with fighter jet flyover — Barton made up a nice story about why women weren’t given the vote when the Constitution was written: It’s because the Founders wanted to preserve the American family, which would be riven by strife if women were allowed to vote differently from their husbands. How very true this might be, if only you close your eyes and wish hard enough! Read more on ‘Historian': If You Let Women Vote, Next They Will Drive Roadsters And Smoke Virginia Slims…
  founding feathers

Matt Bevin Respects Founding Fathers’ Devotion To Chicken Fighting

Kentucky Senate candidate Matt Bevin just can’t seem to stop talking about the fundamental American right to make a sport out of watching animals tear each other to pieces, because god knows he needs to try to find some way of spinning that speech he gave at a pro-cockfighting rally last weekend. First he tried to explain that as far as he knew, it was just a pro-states’ rights group, even though the organizers said that legalizing cockfighting was pretty much the focus of the whole shebang. But now Bevin’s going to see if invoking the Founding Fathers will do him any good, since everyone knows that all true Americans want to return to the late 18th century, as long as we can still have Twitter, microwave pizza, and NASCAR. Read more on Matt Bevin Respects Founding Fathers’ Devotion To Chicken Fighting…
  a confederacy of dunces

Congresscritters Bachmann, Gohmert, & King Love Egyptian Coup, Think Muslim Brotherhood Did 9/11

America’s three stupidest congresscritters, Michele Bachmann, Louie Gohmert, and Steve King (the cantaloupe guy, not the IRA guy), held a press conference Saturday to praise the Egyptian military for overthrowing the elected government and for its recent attempt to eliminate the Muslim Brotherhood; they also expressed their support for continued arms sales to the military government and urged it to “stand firm” against terrorism. The three appeared to attribute all terrorism to the Muslim Brotherhood, because it has the scary name “Muslim Brotherhood” after all. Read more on Congresscritters Bachmann, Gohmert, & King Love Egyptian Coup, Think Muslim Brotherhood Did 9/11…
  help help i'm being repressed

Pennsylvania Proves Government Can Work! (At Passing Laws That Suppress The Minority Vote)

Remember all that conspiracy around the election when Democrats were saying that Republicans were trying to suppress democratic voters and Republicans were all, “Naw, mang, we just really care about voter fraud from predominantly minority populations.” But then officials kept accidentally spilling the beans on the true intent, like Pennsylvania GOP House Leader Mike Turzai who said that the new voter ID law, “is gonna allow Governor Romney to win the state of Pennsylvania.” Whoopsie. Now it turns out that the voter ID law meant to purely prevent fraud actually did help suppress (oppress? repress?) Democratic voters, according to Pennsylvania GOP Chairman Rob Gleason (via ThinkProgress): As Pennsylvania’s GOP Chairman Rob Gleason told Pennsylvania Cable Network earlier this week, the party “cut Obama by 5 percent” in 2012 and “probably Voter ID had helped a bit in that.” Good thing we have that Voting Rights Act* to protect voters. HAHAHA, JUST KIDDING motherfuckers because the Supreme Court said the Voting Rights Act was unconstitutional!! More good times ahead.   Read more on Pennsylvania Proves Government Can Work! (At Passing Laws That Suppress The Minority Vote)…
  violent love (of freedumb)

Ted Nugent Is Very Concerned About All This Rape. Of the Constitution. By Libruls.

Constitutional scholar, NRA board member, and serial fact assaulter Ted Nugent, miraculously still neither dead nor in jail, would just like America to know that we do not need to fear easy access to guns by ordinary Americans like Adam Lanza (no prior convictions) or James Holmes (no priors) or Jared Loughner (possession of drug paraphernalia and defacing a street sign). No, what Americans really need to fear are the “subhuman maggots” who “belong in cages,” but who Liberals constantly let out of prison alla time because liberals just love letting felons out of prison. So by focusing instead on trying to make deadly weapons just a little bit more difficult to obtain, Liberals are the real criminals who “rape our Constitution and urinate on the vision of our Founding Fathers.” Sounds like a thesis! Liberals are always the ones who want to try reasoning with the slime-drooling alien monsters in science fiction movies, after all. Read more on Ted Nugent Is Very Concerned About All This Rape. Of the Constitution. By Libruls….
  never ever getting back together

Matt Drudge Has Melancholy Breakup With America, Tweets Sad Poetry

Matt Drudge, long known as the man behind the homepage of the Internet for people who still think it’s 1998, has recently taken to posting on Twitter. Because he is basically just a crazy, hyperemotional shill, it turns out that what goes on under the hat is a continual teenage-lesbian-poetry breakup with America. Read more on Matt Drudge Has Melancholy Breakup With America, Tweets Sad Poetry…
  why can't i be you?

Emo Clarence Thomas Watches Saving Private Ryan To Buck Himself Up

Why so sad, Clarence Thomas? [Clarence] Thomas can on occasion be melancholy in his speeches, such as saying he sometimes envies the seemingly carefree lives he sees from his chamber windows. Several years ago, he told a group of high school students that he sometimes gets “morose,” and bucks himself up by reading inspirational speeches or retreating to the basement to watch the movie “Saving Private Ryan.” What are some happier movies with which Clarence Thomas can console himself for the terrible burden of having a lifelong gig bossing presidents and snuggling with ol’ Cuddles Scalia? Read more on Emo Clarence Thomas Watches Saving Private Ryan To Buck Himself Up…