founding fathers
Matt Drudge Has Melancholy Breakup With America, Tweets Sad Poetry
Matt Drudge, long known as the man behind the homepage of the Internet for people who still think it’s 1998, has recently taken to posting on Twitter. Because he is basically just a crazy, hyperemotional shill, it turns out that what goes on under the hat is a continual teenage-lesbian-poetry breakup with America. Cold rain in DC, [...]
Emo Clarence Thomas Watches Saving Private Ryan To Buck Himself Up
Why so sad, Clarence Thomas? [Clarence] Thomas can on occasion be melancholy in his speeches, such as saying he sometimes envies the seemingly carefree lives he sees from his chamber windows. Several years ago, he told a group of high school students that he sometimes gets “morose,” and bucks himself up by reading inspirational speeches [...]
Daughter Of Regular-Guy-With-Six-Houses Scott Brown Totally Loving Her Obamacare
Regular Joe/guy with six houses/US Senator from the great state of TAXACHUSETTS Scott Brown would like to run Obamacare over with his famous pickup truck! Massachusetts already HAS health care, after all, thanks to Obamacare godfather MittRomneyCare, so why should they have to kick in for the tabs of all those other stupid states? (You [...]
New Mexico Cop Has Explosive Situation On His Hands (VIDEO)
Sergeant Mike Eiskant, a Santa Fe police officer, was caught utilizing his inch high private eye while on duty. Luckily for him, he will be able to put it behind him once the video stops going viral. Officer Eiskant is a private man, which is why he chose a marked police car with a dash [...]
Rick Santorum Does Too Love Ladies, Like Those Female Founding Fathers
No surprise here: Rick Santorum lost with every single category of woman voter in Michigan’s primary. Although, this could still be considered something of an accomplishment, seeing as how much of the nation learned only two (2) months ago that there was an unfortunate idiot with “capital-S” Santorum for a surname — what ill luck! [...]
A Brief Guide To CPAC’s Terrifying Exhibit(ion) Hall
This is a special post by longtime reader/commenter “Bilbo,” we’ll call him, who is voluntarily covering CPAC for your Wonkette! How nuts is that? Anyway here is his first post of several posts, enjoy! Jim Newell will post more things, maybe, after he kills himself. By Bilbo
CPAC Gangsta Rap Number More or Less Satan’s Cue to Destroy Earth
Here you go, dear readers, here is a little Friday warm up for whatever other terrible decisions you have planned for the weekend: watch this video of some Fox News dildo and his sidekick as they flop around in fruity wigs and rain down the musical equivalent of ten million anesthesia-free lobotomies on a delighted [...]
Founders Rise From The Dead To Discuss Our Failure, At CPAC
Did your Wonkette visit this thing, at CPAC, called “Founder Roundtable: Where Did We Go Wrong?” featuring Thomas Jefferson, James Madison, Benjamin Franklin, Alexander Hamilton, “Tom” Paine, and Patrick Henry? UMM MAYBE. Look at them all there, behind their old-timey projector. When we left, the debate was still about whether the Constitution was one big [...]
Tennessee Tea Party Don’t Want No Talk o’ Slavery In Them Schoolbooks
Tennessee teabaggers are growing tired of being corrected by their fifth-grade relatives every darn time they get a notion to holler some about how Thomas Jefferson was human history’s inventor of freedom — maybe it’s time to LEVEL THE PLAYING FIELD, HMMM KIDS? The state’s tea party leadership made an indignant request to the state [...]
Wingnuts Have New Book Proving Jefferson Never Sexed Black Lady
Certain factions of “Founding Father truthers” are still unable to reconcile themselves to the generally-accepted historical and DNA evidence that white Founding Father squad captain Thomas Jefferson was perenially knocking up one of his black slaves, mostly for the twin reasons that a) as the American reincarnation of Jesus, Thomas Jefferson was not supposed to be [...]
Washington To Close Historic Post Office In Benjamin Franklin’s Old House Because Why Not
The U.S. Postal Service is now going to close “more than 1 in 10″ of its post office locations around the country, as part of the National Shutting Down orchestrated by Washington Republicans and their extremist-libertarian corporate overlords. One such post office up for closure is in Old Philadelphia, inside a historic home that belonged [...]
Chuck Norris: Atheist National Park Service Sullying Founding Fathers
Chuck Norris has a personal pastor for all of his various organization, because, well, karate needs pastors, of course. But when that pastor visited Independence Hall in Philadelphia to learn about the religion of our nation’s founding fathers, he instead was led on a tour by a guide who, rudely, only talked about the Constitution [...]
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