Tag Archives: foreign policy

  monday game post

Fill In The Blank: John McCain Says U.S. Should _____ Syria

It is now time for your Wonkette Monday Game Post! So: what does war-loving Sen. John McCain think the United States should do about Syria? Negotiate with? Mate with? Appease? Wine and dine? Hug? Kiss? Apply crippling sanctions to? Ignore? Ignore? Ignore? Send aid to? Grundle-pump? Send to private school, basketball camp, or the Applebee’s salad bar? Sump’m else? Make your guesses now. Read more on Fill In The Blank: John McCain Says U.S. Should _____ Syria…
  he is still running?

Why Won’t Afghanistan Just Listen to Newt Gingrich About Everything?

In case America was wondering, and it wasn’t, the root problem behind Afghanistan’s myriad sociopolitical and economic challenges in achieving a better standard of living for its citizens is that it fucking cold refuses to hear Newt Gingrich out on how to fix those problems. Those riots in Afghanistan over the burning of the Muslim holy book at a U.S. military base that have killed 28 people and wounded hundreds more are an important reminder of this fact, that Newt Gingrich is the smartest human who has ever lived by a factor of one billion. Newt, in an exciting move from merely hyperbolic language to incredibly boring invented words, told an audience in Tennessee (where, incidentally, Ron Paul is beating him in the polls) that Newt Gingrich could successfully make Afghanistan “unmiserable” if only he were the wicked king of Afghanistan. But instead, Afghanistan insists on sucking and not making him their ruler and “hating foreigners,” unlike everyone belonging to the party whose presidential nomination Newt Gingrich would still like to receive. Read more on Why Won’t Afghanistan Just Listen to Newt Gingrich About Everything?…
  an open invitation to the cia

Newspaper Editor Suggests Israel Assassinate Obama

Andrew Adler, who owns an Atlanta-based newspaper called the Atlanta Jewish Times, wrote an op-ed last week in which he theorized on what Israel could do about its relationship with the United States vis à vis Iran. As Adler sees it, Israel has three options, and one of them involves “ordering a hit on” President Obama. Uhhhh. Read more on Newspaper Editor Suggests Israel Assassinate Obama…
  please go home

Rick Perry Continues to Think He’s a Scholar of Turkey

In Monday night’s debate, Rick Perry made the claim that Turkey was “ruled by what many would perceive to be Islamic terrorists.” Just as bafflingly, people from as far and wide as actual Turkey and D.C. have taken time out of their busy days Tuesday to condemn Perry’s par-for-the-course proclamation. But he’s been to Turkey, for god’s sake. He lived there. Have you? Read more on Rick Perry Continues to Think He’s a Scholar of Turkey…
  true facts

Ron Paul Correctly Observes That Newt Gingrich Is Massive Wimp

Remember back when Newt Gingrich was the confident, tuff-talking historarian lecturing anyone in sight on the dire stupidity of their every thought? Times have changed, since fourteen days ago! After having a thorough pout in Iowa, he quickly fled the state in shame and tears before the caucus results had even finished arriving. Newtie tried insulting bronze-medal-stealer Ron Paul with his usual barrage of extraneous mean adverbs and called Paul “stunningly dangerous” for being against Eternal Wars abroad, to which the DOKTOR gave a hilarious SNORT and reminded everyone that Newt Gingrich’s original Vietnam-era stance on Wars was “draft-dodging.” Put a more fun way, Paul noted that this makes Newt a “chickenhawk.” Read more on Ron Paul Correctly Observes That Newt Gingrich Is Massive Wimp…
  ironclad logic

Newt Gingrich Wants Everyone To Know Palestinians Are Pretend People

This is a Thing People Are Discussing, today: smartest being of all time Newt Gingrich declared in an interview that the Palestinian people are “invented” in his grand historical estimation, sort of like how all peoples with their fancy national identities are at one point or another in history also “invented” out of thin air. “Americans,” for example. But let’s not let this latter detail ruin Newt’s main point: why haven’t Palestinians discovered that they are fake yet? Read more on Newt Gingrich Wants Everyone To Know Palestinians Are Pretend People…
  major breaking news

Heritage Foundation Dweeb Bravely Notices Obama Nearly Made a Gaffe

One lonely little Heritage Foundation blogger weenie has stumbled upon the ultimate smoking gun of rock solid evidence that Barack Obama is a hopeless fool who could not pass the fifth grade: he accidentally said “English Embassy,” a thing which does not exist, when he was dutifully expressing his required disapproval of recent attacks on the British Embassy in Tehran. The actual next words out of Obama’s mouth if you watch the video corrected the error with “the Embassy of the United Kingdom in Iran,” but WHATEVER NO TAKEBACKS HUGE SCREW UP. Read more on Heritage Foundation Dweeb Bravely Notices Obama Nearly Made a Gaffe…
  the next kissinger

Why Does Herman Cain Think China Is North Korea?

The lamestream media has bedeviled Herman Cain with another one of its merciless “gotcha” questions: how does the Herman Cain view China’s military? Aww, shit…. hm. They’re bad? They’re just really bad, super seriously awful and peace, Herman wants peace, so more money for more American bombs, for peace, America is awesome, we rule, God, is this question over yet? OH WAIT, and, uh, this: we must prevent them from getting nukes! They want nukes, like all filthy unsmiling communists, according to “indications.” There, is that enough of a platform? Sure, sort of, if he were talking about North Korea. China has had nuclear weapons since 1964. Read more on Why Does Herman Cain Think China Is North Korea?…
  churchill he is not

Ask Herman Cain a Foreign Policy Question And He’ll Respond In Tongues

Pizza shill vanity campaigner Herman Cain has inexplicably not yet exhausted his six seconds of GOP presidential field relevancy, so we must listen to him doing this thing… speaking in tongues here, in an interview, in a dark cave? “UBEKI BEKI BEKI BEKI BAH BAH STAN O BAN STAN SO WHUT WHUT,” he says. Hm, maybe it’s a sex magick spell, against Mitt Romney’s Moon Jesus? No, it’s some kind of teatard gibberish about how the country formerly called “Uzbekistan” is lame, because Herman Cain is a proudly illiterate fop when it comes to foreign policy issues and from now on anyone asking him Gotcha Questions™ (please make your twenty-three cent royalty check payable to Sarah Palin) about “the other countries on earth” will be harangued with a series of nonsense syllables for their trouble.  Read more on Ask Herman Cain a Foreign Policy Question And He’ll Respond In Tongues…
  we only support strong dictators

White House Forced To Turn Against Another One of America’s Dictator Friends

The United States, which long supported Yemen’s president, even in the face of recent widespread protests, has now quietly shifted positions and has concluded that he is unlikely to bring about the required reforms and must be eased out of office, according to American and Yemeni officials. Read more on White House Forced To Turn Against Another One of America’s Dictator Friends…
  decisive moves

U.S., Other Sharia-Based Countries Destroying Israel With UN

The Obama administration is trying very hard at the moment to not have to call the Israeli settlements in Palestine illegal. Oh, diplomacy, you’re so silly. In order to do so, the U.S. has tried to make a deal with Arab countries to vote for a statement saying it “does not accept the legitimacy of continued Israeli settlement activity.” What is the difference between calling something illegal and saying you don’t accept its legitimacy? A lot, apparently. Enough to get all upset about. So much so that if this “settlements are illegal” resolution gets to the Security Council, the Obama administration may make its first veto. Does Obama really want the Palestine issue to be resolved, or does he want things to just stop happening in Palestine and for everybody to shut up their countries? It’s confusing. Let’s just say he’s a secret Arab Muslim because he doesn’t scream out “OH, ISRAEL, YES” when he’s having sex with Michelle, okay? Read more on U.S., Other Sharia-Based Countries Destroying Israel With UN…
  your next secretary of state

Sarah Palin: Don’t Trust the People of Egypt

“We want to be able to trust those who are screaming for democracy there in Egypt, that it is a true sincere desire for freedoms. And the challenge that we have though, is how do we verify what it is that we are being told?” Aha! Those people couldn’t truly want democracy. They’re Muslim. Nice catch, Sarah. Read more on Sarah Palin: Don’t Trust the People of Egypt…
  it's morning in america

At Least Israel Thinks the U.S. Is Standing With the People of Egypt

Israel has pundits, like every uncivilized civilized country on Earth. And they no longer care for this Obama fellow. “A Bullet in the Back from Uncle Sam,” writes one, Aviad Pohoryles, who sounds alternatively very Jewish and like he’s a friend of Harry Potter. Yes, it turns out the United States is supposed to support Mubarak at all costs, even though he is a corrupt dictator who is currently being toppled. Why? Can you guess? “I don’t say everything that he did was right, but he did one thing which all of us are thankful to him for: he kept the peace in the Middle East,” says Benjamin Netanyahu. Oh: Israel. Mubarak was nice to Israel. Read more on At Least Israel Thinks the U.S. Is Standing With the People of Egypt… Read more on At Least Israel Thinks the U.S. Is Standing With the People of Egypt…
  voice of america

Obama: Anti-Dictator Demonstrators Should Stand Down

In Tuesday’s State of the Union address, Barack Obama did what every president does in that thing: He praised people around the world who rose up for democracy and against authoritarian regimes. It was because these people Thought Big and American that freedom would Win the Future! But though Obama praised voters in Sudan and demonstrators in Tunisia, he said nothing about what was going on in Egypt. In fact, he’s been completely quiet about Egypt. That is, until he was cornered on YouTube yesterday, of all things, by noted journalist the Keyboard Cat or whatever. According to Obama, the regime in Egypt is trying to be more democratic. And as for the demonstrators? He’s not going to say they shouldn’t want democracy. But he’s not supporting what they’re doing. Read more on Obama: Anti-Dictator Demonstrators Should Stand Down…
  ya burnt jimmy carter

Kim Jong-Il Lets Jimmy Carter Run Country While He’s Away

Oh, Jimmy Carter is in North Korea right now? That’s funny, because Kim Jong-il is in China with his son. Yeah, hope you enjoy talking to a country full of Kim Jong-il’s servants, peanut man, because ol’ Jong face can’t make it in today. Too busy with his gay life partner China. JIMMY CARTER, YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE IN THAT COUNTRY WITH POLITICAL SKILLZ. START A COUP! You may be old and peaceful and old, but he has basically handed you that country for the taking, and you are the only one who has lived your life making decisions for yourself. You are the only one who has run a government! NEW USA! NEW USA! NEW USA! Read more on Kim Jong-Il Lets Jimmy Carter Run Country While He’s Away…
  would you like a hard caramel jong-il?

Jimmy Carter Arrives In North Korea To Build Peanut Houses of Peace

Oh, thank you, North Korean YouTube, that almost looks like a real news segment! Yes, Kim Jong-il gets to paste together another fun photo collage of him with a former American president, and America gets back one of its citizens. It’s a win-win situation! So Jimmy Carter has arrived, and here he is receiving flowers and an angry communist salute from the president of North Korea’s child trade union. Read more on Jimmy Carter Arrives In North Korea To Build Peanut Houses of Peace…
  putting things in perspective

While We Sit Around Yelling About Mosques, Our Moon Is SHRINKING

The Moon: it’s America’s moon! We put our flag there, and thus according to the international legal principles of “firsties” and “fuck off, we’re using it,” it is OURS. But according to NASA, the Moon is shrinking. SHUT UP, NASA. Our moon is fine. Every country we’ve ever shown it to says so. You know, some aliens even prefer a smaller moon, so there. Yes, our government has seen those late-night commercials with Jimmy Johnson and ordered those moon pills, but it’s to make our moon PERFORM better, okay? Any added size is just a bonus and is totally not why we bought them. Read more on While We Sit Around Yelling About Mosques, Our Moon Is SHRINKING…
  original originalism

Certainly You Assumed Sharron Angle Likes The U.N., But You Were Wrong

Sharron Angle was forced to speak words yesterday, as she has yet to come up with the brilliant idea to have her campaign say she has a throat infection that makes her mute for the next few months. “The United Nations resides on our soil and costs us money. We are — I don’t see any place in the Constitution with those priorities about the United Nations. So when we start talking about cutting programs, 5-percent per year, I think the United Nations fits into that category, yes,” she said. How can we be members of the United Nations when the Constitution and Bible don’t even MENTION it? Read more on Certainly You Assumed Sharron Angle Likes The U.N., But You Were Wrong…
  politely changing the subject

Obama Is Just As Bored With All This Policy-y Health Care Whatever As Everyone Else

The health care debate’s fifteen minutes are finally, finally up. Ugh, do you even remember all that? Anyway, Obama will now solve the Israeli-Palestinian conflict, America’s original synonym for “unable to be fixed with one swift gesture.” Obama’s (alleged!) new peace plan includes TEN swift gestures, which he will (allegedly!) present at a peace conference in Egypt at the end of the month. This does not leave much time for every person on Earth to begin absolutely despising each clause of the hated plan for quasi-personal reasons of varying legitimacy! Let’s begin immediately. Read more on Obama Is Just As Bored With All This Policy-y Health Care Whatever As Everyone Else…
  dodging snipers

Hillary Clinton’s Major Speech(!): ‘Remember, We Are Still Very Capable Of Bombing Everyone, For Fun’

America’s top bone-shattering Moral Megaphone to the Foreigns, Hillary Clinton, after months of begging, has finally been granted Nobama’s permission to deliver her first major speech as Secretary of State! (18 million cracks, natch.) In her address this afternoon at the Council on Foreign Relations, the famous lady will declare America’s ardent support for capturing terrorists, not capturing non-terrorist muslins (like four people total), preserving human rights everywhere all the time, fixing some minor Israeli/Palestinian tiff, nonproliferation of rad nukes, saving economics, and the climate changes — you know, gay stuff. And yet there is still one comical bit about how America can still just bomb the fuck out of everybody when all else fails, leading Politico‘s Mike Allen to label this a “muscular” speech in his definitive preview. Read more on Hillary Clinton’s Major Speech(!): ‘Remember, We Are Still Very Capable Of Bombing Everyone, For Fun’…