Tag Archives: forbes

  a kiss on the forehead and a cab ride home

Why Do All These Drunk Girls Keep Oppressing These Poor Frat Boys?

Americans, please take a moment today to think of the latest victim of the feminist web vigilantes, Bill Frezza. Until yesterday, we could have called him “Forbes contributor Bill Frezza,” which we are sure he called himself many times, but he’s been unceremoniously booted from their editor-free content farm just for getting too real about “the gravest threat” to his beloved MIT fraternity and frats everywhere: drunk female party guests. Read more on Why Do All These Drunk Girls Keep Oppressing These Poor Frat Boys?…
  whose walmart?

Vigilante Tax Collectors Demand $7.8 Billion From Walmart At Walton Family’s Desert Fortress

It’s Tax Day, which means political entities everywhere are scrambling to graft their agendas onto something with the word “tax” in it, so people who are frantically asking their internets “what for i owe so much taxis?” will give them their email addresses. Us here, we got this nice thing in our email, says “TAXPAYERS DELIVER $7.8 BILLION TAX BILL TO WALMART CHAIRMAN”. And they did! The taxpayers went to Rob Walton’s compound in Paradise Valley, AZ, with a piece of paper, and now you are reading about it, so they did a good job. The $7.8 billion that Walmart “owes” is a figure from a report by Americans for Tax Fairness (pdf). It includes billions in welfare payments to low-wage Walmart workers, as well as money saved by exploiting accounting loopholes. Nobody would probably care much about this, except “Walmart made a $16 billion profit in 2013, and the six Walton heirs, who own more than 50 percent of Walmart shares, saw their wealth grow to $148.8 billion—more wealth than 49% of American families combined.” So there’s that. Read more on Vigilante Tax Collectors Demand $7.8 Billion From Walmart At Walton Family’s Desert Fortress…
  add it up

Forbes Contributor Attempts Math, Finds That Obamacare Will Steal $7,450 From ‘Typical Family Of Four’

The headline piqued our curiosity: “Obamacare Will Increase Health Spending by $7,450 For A Typical Family of Four.” Wow, that is a lot, considering that the “typical family of four” is pretty poor in Obama’s America. Might this figure be chicanery, we wondered? Shenanigans, perhaps? Bull-hockey? So we clicked the link that some crusading #Obamacare twit had tweeted on the Twitter and suddenly, oh no, it was a Forbes! Did Forbes used to be good? We vaguely remember them being good once. Anyway, yes it’s pure nonsense, because here, in author Chris Conover’s own words, is how the $7,450 figure was figgered: So I have taken the latest year-by-year projections [of additional health spending attributable to the Affordable Care Act], divided by the projected U.S. population to determine the added amount per person and multiplied the result by 4. Interesting, and we have taken a ham sandwich, divided by the number of angels that can dance on the head of a pin (to determine the sound of one hand clapping) and multiplied the result by You Lie! Read more on Forbes Contributor Attempts Math, Finds That Obamacare Will Steal $7,450 From ‘Typical Family Of Four’…
  won't they just shut up and let obamacare fail already?

Jonah Goldberg: If The Kids Love Obama So Much, Let Them Sign Up For Obamacare

When yr Wonkette has an idea that doesn’t pan out because a little thought or even some research reveals a fatal flaw in the premise, we spike the idea (or Editrix or Dok does it for us, coldly, like we’ve been bad, the way we like it.) The National Review does  things differently, we guess. Example: Jonah Goldberg. For some reason, Jonah Goldberg apparently thought it would be fun to write his latest column from the perspective of a man who thinks “Obamacare” is something akin to a loyalty oath, because his whole premise is: “You darn kids, you’re the reason we’re stuck with this Obama, so get off my lawn and get yourselves some Obamacare if you love him so much!” Read more on Jonah Goldberg: If The Kids Love Obama So Much, Let Them Sign Up For Obamacare…
  secret agent mansplaining

Your Wonkette PRISM Explainer, Part 2 Of Infinite: Which Morons Are Saying What Stupid Things About PRISM?

We decided we needed an entirely separate Explainer to discuss all the stupid morons saying dumb things about PRISM and/or the collection of All Metadata Everywhere, because so many “journalists” have been MORE THAN HAPPY to come forward, pat America on its pretty head and mansplain that this is no big deal, and also, isn’t it nice that we are somehow magically so much SAFER due to the technological marvels of a top secret program? Also, which is it? A technological marvel whose penetration into our privacy is necessary to Keep Us Safe, or alternatively, a piddly little exercise in security theater that is No Big Deal (unless you are a terrorist, in which case, watch out!)? We are still not sure! Here, let us run through all a selection of the Op-Ed columnists who CANNOT WAIT to tell us how wonderful it is that the government is invading our privacy, and then we will get to the elected officials who are shocked, SHOCKED to discover the existence of a program they supported and voted for or alternatively, can’t figure out why everyone is so upset. Read more on Your Wonkette PRISM Explainer, Part 2 Of Infinite: Which Morons Are Saying What Stupid Things About PRISM?…
  welcome to walmart we love you

Fox News: Why Is Jerk Obama Making Walmart Cut Its Healthcare Benefits?

Is Walmart doing something horrible today? Well, it’s a “day” so yes, of course Walmart is doing something horrible today. Walmart—the nation’s largest private sector employer—is joining the ranks of companies seeking to avoid their obligation to provide employees with health insurance as required by Obamacare. OF COURSE THEY ARE. See, there is pretty much only one way that a large employer can dodge the responsibility of insuring its workers, and that’s if their employees qualify for Medicaid. Who can make SURE that their employees earn low enough wages to qualify for Medicaid? Why, the employer, isn’t that convenient? Read more on Fox News: Why Is Jerk Obama Making Walmart Cut Its Healthcare Benefits?…
  Please Sir May We Have Another?

Forbes Explains Why You People Need More Horrible Rich Ladies Like Gina Rinehart

Hey–remember Gina Rinehart?  Oh, sure you do! She is the world’s richest woman and by some bizarre coincidence, also seems to be one of the world’s worst people. Here she is, warning Australians that it is ‘too expensive’ to mine there because she can hire Africans for less than $2 per day and oh, here she is again, suggesting that Australia make itself more profitable to her by passing a healthy wage cut. And before that, on Thursday, August 30, she advised us Poors to shut up and eat our gruel. No, really!  “If you’re jealous of those with more money, don’t just sit there and complain,” she said in a magazine piece. “Do something to make more money yourself — spend less time drinking or smoking and socialising, and more time working.” What a nice lady! Isn’t she charming? What a national treasure for Australia, they must be so glad they have her all to themselves. Oh you do not find this charming? Well here, Mark Hendrickson has published a nice long essay in Forbes about how awesome Gina Rinehart is and why we should defend her specific brand of horribleness and praise her for telling the TRUTH, yes, the TRUTH, about Poors and how much we love our drinking and our socializing. Also? We should stop demonizing rich people because there are “good” rich people and “bad” rich people, and you’ll never guess which one Gina Rinehart is. Read more on Forbes Explains Why You People Need More Horrible Rich Ladies Like Gina Rinehart…
  lies damn lies and statistics

Ta-Da! Genius Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker Invents New Kind Of Math To Solve State’s Jobs Woes

Why is hero Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker, recently seen bitching that the governor’s three-times-median-household-income salary just isn’t enough cheddar, being blamed just because his awesome economic policies of “fire everyone” have made his state plumb last in job growth? (Koch economic policies are obviously THE GREATEST economic policies, and every state should have more of them.) Does not everyone understand that if this is not Barack Obama’s fault, then it is the fault of the Union Thugz he fired, for protesting him? (That is a true thing Scott Walker said: that the mighty Wisconsin protests last year caused businesses to have “uncertainty,” thus forcing them to fire all their workers and flee the state.) Well, since nobody will believe him about that, Scott Walker has decided to do things a little more out-of-the-box: instead of being enslaved by these fuddy-duddy old-and-busted Department of Labor statistics, he is going to make up his own! So now his employment numbers will be slightly above zero, instead of slightly below! Does this change everything? THIS CHANGES EVERYTHING. Tell us about it, Forbes! Read more on Ta-Da! Genius Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker Invents New Kind Of Math To Solve State’s Jobs Woes…
  flotus files

Michelle Obama Appears on ‘Biggest Loser,’ Is Now a Kardashian

Have you seen that show on the E! television network featuring a bunch of whiny girls whose names all start with the letter “K” and their [step]father, played by a melted-down Ken doll? It is the “Keeping Up With the Kardashians” show, and somehow, it is one of the most highly rated reality television programs that exists, so let’s all poison ourselves, after we discuss FLOTUS. We live in an age of “reality” television, because reality is so horrifying these days, it tends to make for a fairly entertaining hour of television without much extra work required. Our obesity crisis is of course one element of our terrible reality, which is why there is a program on NBC called ‘The Biggest Loser,’ which is some sort of program about fat people (your FLOTUS correspondent does not watch this program, because it disgusts her). These days, where there’s a camera and fat people, there’s our First Lady Michelle Obama, making them wish they had never heard of a Double Down Sandwich. Our Michelle appeared on ‘The Biggest Loser’ last night, so it’s pretty much next stop: workouts with Bruce Jenner and hijinks about Kendall’s Super Sweet 16, etc. etc. Read more on Michelle Obama Appears on ‘Biggest Loser,’ Is Now a Kardashian…
  year of the woman

Lady Gaga vs. Nancy Pelosi, Who Will Win? (Not Nancy Pelosi)

Every campaign season in our increasingly retarded nation, potential voters are presented with many important survey and poll battles such as “What celebrity of the moment is better/worse than a completely unrelated government official?” For example: This person Lady Gaga, who seems to be mentioned a lot more than actually heard, could she defeat San Francisco grandmother and Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi, in a dance-off? What does this say about the Republicans’ midterm chances? Read more on Lady Gaga vs. Nancy Pelosi, Who Will Win? (Not Nancy Pelosi)…
  Working women

Sarah Palin Barely Earning Minimum Wage

Everybody just assumes that Sarah Palin wakes up in the morning feeling like P. Diddy all the time, in a golden bed of $100 bills. This is because the lamestream media makes it seem like she’s always collecting enormous wads of cash in exchange for her hardcore mama grizzlin’ services (speechin’, hangin’ tough, Teabaggin’). But according to Forbes investigative reporter Dirk Smillie (né Dirksen Smilloszewskiwicz), Palin has earned only $10 million in the past 12 months, “at best.” AT BEST, people. Read more on Sarah Palin Barely Earning Minimum Wage…
  she wuz robbed

Sheila Bair Considered Less Powerful Than That German Broad ‘Merkel’

Boo on you, Forbes meanies, for suggesting our beloved girlfriend Sheila Bair isn’t the most powerful woman in the world. Still, #2 ain’t bad! Who rounds out the top five? Some Pepsi person, a common mineral miner, and the chief executive of Singapore’s sovereign wealth fund. In other words, a pack of nobodies who are probably a real drag at parties, all “I’ll just have a club soda with a slice of lime,” and with nothing to talk about except their work and the INSANE number of frequent flier miles they racked up last year. Sheila Bair, on the other hand, does not get along so well with Tim Geithner, which suggests she has at least the rudimentary genetic material required to grow a Soul. [Forbes] Read more on Sheila Bair Considered Less Powerful Than That German Broad ‘Merkel’…