Tag: forbes

Wonkagenda: September 28th, 2016

You get in here and read your news brief, RIGHT NOW!

Gawker Suer/Trumpkin/Libertarian Peter Thiel Is Kindest, Warmest, Most Wonderful Human Be

You know how Libertarians "love" freedom of speech and of the press and of religion and of the right to assemble and of the right to keep their homes free from quartering troops against their will? And you know...
Why don't you pass the time in the ER with a game of solitaire?

Donald Trump Will Repeal Obamacare, Replace It With Terrific Fence

Donald Trump has the YOOGEST, CLASSIEST plan ever to replace Obamacare, and it's going to be so incredible, it will probably blow his already-perfect plans for defeating ISIS out of the water, that's how good it is. On CNN...
Donald Trump built a fence around the other candidates, and it was luxurious.

I Am Donald J. Trump, TEN BILLIONAIRE, I Own A Mansion And A Yacht

Donald J. "Fuck You and Your Dumb Loser Moron Mother" Trump told us he is worth "TEN BILLION DOLLARS," and now we get to find out how much he is lying about that. Forbes says he is only worth...

Why Do All These Drunk Girls Keep Oppressing These Poor Frat Boys?

Americans, please take a moment today to think of the latest victim of the feminist web vigilantes, Bill Frezza. Until yesterday, we could have called him "Forbes contributor Bill Frezza," which we are sure he called himself many times,...

Vigilante Tax Collectors Demand $7.8 Billion From Walmart At Walton Family’s Desert Fortress

It's Tax Day, which means political entities everywhere are scrambling to graft their agendas onto something with the word "tax" in it, so people who are frantically asking their internets "what for i owe so much taxis?" will give...

Forbes Contributor Attempts Math, Finds That Obamacare Will Steal $7,450 From ‘Typical Family Of Four’

The headline piqued our curiosity: "Obamacare Will Increase Health Spending by $7,450 For A Typical Family of Four." Wow, that is a lot, considering that the "typical family of four" is pretty poor in Obama's America. Might this figure...

Jonah Goldberg: If The Kids Love Obama So Much, Let Them Sign Up For Obamacare

When yr Wonkette has an idea that doesn't pan out because a little thought or even some research reveals a fatal flaw in the premise, we spike the idea (or Editrix or Dok does it for us, coldly, like...

Your Wonkette PRISM Explainer, Part 2 Of Infinite: Which Morons Are Saying What Stupid Things About PRISM?

We decided we needed an entirely separate Explainer to discuss all the stupid morons saying dumb things about PRISM and/or the collection of All Metadata Everywhere, because so many "journalists" have been MORE THAN HAPPY to come forward, pat...

Fox News: Why Is Jerk Obama Making Walmart Cut Its Healthcare Benefits?

Is Walmart doing something horrible today? Well, it's a "day" so yes, of course Walmart is doing something horrible today. Walmart—the nation’s largest private sector employer—is joining the ranks of companies seeking to avoid their obligation to provide employees with...

Forbes Explains Why You People Need More Horrible Rich Ladies Like Gina Rinehart

Hey--remember Gina Rinehart?  Oh, sure you do! She is the world’s richest woman and by some bizarre coincidence, also seems to be one of the world’s worst people. Here she is, warning Australians that it is ‘too expensive’ to...

Ta-Da! Genius Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker Invents New Kind Of Math To Solve State’s Jobs Woes

Why is hero Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker, recently seen bitching that the governor's three-times-median-household-income salary just isn't enough cheddar, being blamed just because his awesome economic policies of "fire everyone" have made his state plumb last in job growth?...

Michelle Obama Appears on ‘Biggest Loser,’ Is Now a Kardashian

Have you seen that show on the E! television network featuring a bunch of whiny girls whose names all start with the letter "K" and their father, played by a melted-down Ken doll? It is the "Keeping Up With...

Lady Gaga vs. Nancy Pelosi, Who Will Win? (Not Nancy Pelosi)

Every campaign season in our increasingly retarded nation, potential voters are presented with many important survey and poll battles such as "What celebrity of the moment is better/worse than a completely unrelated government official?" For example: This person Lady...

Sarah Palin Barely Earning Minimum Wage

Everybody just assumes that Sarah Palin wakes up in the morning feeling like P. Diddy all the time, in a golden bed of $100 bills. This is because the lamestream media makes it seem like she's always collecting enormous...

Sheila Bair Considered Less Powerful Than That German Broad ‘Merkel’

Boo on you, Forbes meanies, for suggesting our beloved girlfriend Sheila Bair isn't the most powerful woman in the world. Still, #2 ain't bad! Who rounds out the top five? Some Pepsi person, a common mineral miner, and the...