football

This is just gross: Baltimore Ravens running back Ray Rice has been suspended for the first two games of this season for violating the NFL’s personal conduct policy following his offseason arrest for domestic violence. The suspension, which was announced Thursday by the league, stems from Rice’s altercation with then-fiancée Janay Palmer at an Atlantic […]

Rush Limbaugh had a supportive shout-out today for Superbowl-winning sportsball coach and NBC sportsball analyst Tony Dungy, who told the Tampa Tribune yesterday that he would never have drafted Michael Sam, who’s just too darn gay. Said Dungy, “I wouldn’t have taken him … Not because I don’t believe Michael Sam should have a chance […]

Today’s match is Hitler’s nightmare scenario: a US team with a German national hero as a coach plus a bunch of international players with dual citizenship, including five guys with German moms and African-American service member dads. It is also master troll Ann Coulter’s nightmare scenario because she hates soccer, and immigrants, and fun. They […]

Whew! What a day it’s been! We’ve got singing mayors, sorry restaurants, and sexy boobs! Get into the magic, the beauty, the mayhem and the luscious madness of today’s Happy Nice Time People goodness. It’s piping hot, and at the end you get boobs! KFC said it was sorry to a little girl with facial […]

You know the biggest problem with conservatives and humor? Did you answer “because they’re such bullies and boors you can never figure out if they’re being serious or not”? You are exactly right! Congratulations to you! As a perfect example of our inability to distinguish between whether one of their ilk is engaging in actual […]

From the Washington Free Beacon comes this shocking revelation: President Obama referred to the sport of soccer as “football” during a press conference in Brussels on Thursday, raising questions about his commitment to America. For a publication usually devoted to general wingnuttery, Andrew Stiles’s piece is actually a pretty good parody of wingnuttery, and for […]

We guess this is a new one. Sure, the old argument goes that team names like that of the Washington sportsball franchise somehow “honor” Native Americans, but on Outnumbered Monday, Fox’s Pete Hegseth went one better and insisted that the term “Redskins” was itself a pretty nice thing to call your noble savages:

How’d you guys spend Easter? Dinner with the family? Avoiding dinner with the family? Being a heathen or a Jew? No matter, because now you’re sad that you did not celebrate Easter chopping wood, like Jesus did (carpenters chopped their own wood, right?), with a beswollen Tim Tebow and a bearded dude from Duck Dynasty. […]

The National Labor Relations Board handed down a 24-page decision saying Northwestern University sportsball players are employees of the university and may form a union. Quarterback Kain Colter has been the face of the pro-unionization campaign. It’s no surprise this happened in Chicago, one of the last bastions of organized labor activity with balls. Let’s […]

You may be amused by the nine minutes of pure weirdness in this here exposé of the Secret Illuminati Symbolism in Bruno Mars’ Sportsball Halftime Extravaganza. Apparently, all SportsBowl halftime shows — like last year’s, with the Beyoncé — are simply shot through with Illuminati messages, because in addition to secretly running the world, the […]

There is some big news out of Steubenville, Ohio, today. In case you don’t remember how Steubenville got itself on the map o’ scandals, here is a refresher: Back in 2012, a slutty drunk slut (i.e., a teenage girl) went and got herself raped by two real nice football stars who were basically just boys […]

We’re going to take a short break from our American history textbooks for homeschoolers, because Alert Reader “Blanche” tipped us off to a self-published booklike object that we somehow missed when it splashed into the internet in late July: Great American Artist Jon McNaughton has written a novel that does for Teen Fiction what Christian […]

This is what happens, Tennessee, when you keep going harder, fuller batshit: you end up electing real weird guys! Now more fun things are coming about your state senator Stacey Campfield, of whom we apparently just can’t get enough! So what has Herr Campfield been up to lately, and/or several years ago? Oh, just yelling […]

Oh LOOK who is suddenly on the side of organized labor, now that a bunch of scab refs are messing with his precious football? (Hint: it is Scott Walker, the union-busting asshole of a governor from Wisconsin.)

A reporter asked Mitt Romney today where he thought free agent Peyton Manning should play football next season. Ahh, there’s a nice birthday softball question for ya! All he had to say was that he’s a Patriots fan, so he hopes Manning doesn’t play for a team in the same division. This is all he […]