Tag Archives: football

  The Boy Wonkettes say this IS TOO important Kaili!

Houston Astros Hacked, Maybe Should Change Password To Something Better Than ‘LOLSPORTS’

Is nothing sacred?
In the Very Serious Business of grown men playing games, for money, here is another shocking tale of corruption in sports. This time, it’s our nation’s favorite pastime, as wholesome and pure and all-American as mom’s apple pie or getting knocked up in the back of Ford pick-up. (If you ignore a century of other impure Major League Baseball scandals, that is.) Read more on Houston Astros Hacked, Maybe Should Change Password To Something Better Than ‘LOLSPORTS’…
  pray the concussions away

Allen West Can Keep Football Players From Getting Hurt, Just By Saying A Little Prayer!

Is there nothing this man CANNOT fail at, we mean do?
Allen West, the Guardian of the Republic vile, disgraced torture fetishist and congressional race-loser who is also a creepazoid sex pervert, took some time off from those activities recently to discuss football injuries, and the best way to prevent them. No, it is not about padding or anything like that, it is prayer! You see, Allen West played football in high school, so he is an expert. Speaking to a wingnut group in Texas, West explained that back in HIS day, they made sure to pray before every single game, and because of that, he doesn’t remember ANYBODY getting injured or paralyzed. Read more on Allen West Can Keep Football Players From Getting Hurt, Just By Saying A Little Prayer!…
  Amatchuah Ath-ah-leets

NCAA Bans Homeless Football Player For Taking Improper Gift Of Sleep On Friends’ Floors

Amatchuah ath-ah-leets
Silas Nacita has been homeless since he was a senior in high school, yet he managed to overcome that adversity and work his way onto two NCAA football teams. Unfortunately, he did all that while having the ever-loving gall to want to sleep inside, so the NCAA has ruled him ineligible. The Dallas Morning News brings us this story of the NCAA wallowing in its own crapulence. Read more on NCAA Bans Homeless Football Player For Taking Improper Gift Of Sleep On Friends’ Floors…
  Run and Shoot

St. Louis Rams Hurt Cops’ Feelings By Reminding Them Ferguson Happened

Five unidentified black men, flashing probable gang signs.
Five members of the St. Louis Rams entered the field Sunday while performing a “hands up, don’t shoot” pose. That was enough to make outgoing Missouri State Rep. and St. Louis Police Officers Association business officer Jeff Roorda publish this totally measured and reasonable reaction. Read more on St. Louis Rams Hurt Cops’ Feelings By Reminding Them Ferguson Happened…
  Jesus Built My Interstate Commerce Clause

Theocrat And GOP Candidate Mike Peroutka Explains Jesus Is The Football For Your Rights

I think this painting is about a high school football player who's just died of head injuries
On this Election Day, Michael Peroutka — theocrat, neo-confederate, and Republican candidate for county council in Ann Arundel County in Maryland who has also flirted with the Constitution Party because CONSTITUTION — would just like to remind you of the Reason for Election Season: It’s Jesus! Read more on Theocrat And GOP Candidate Mike Peroutka Explains Jesus Is The Football For Your Rights…
  department of manliness

Lady Wingnut Has Had It Up To Here With You Being So Mean To Foot-The-Ball

Charlotte Allen's worst nightmare
Here in the Wonkette Los Angeles bureau, we have been enjoying – or rather, “enjoying” – the recent addition to our local paper of the ravings of Charlotte Allen, one of those wingnut writers who constantly complains that women are destroying masculinity in America by making men emotional and dumb … you know, like women. And the latest attempt at feminizing our manly culture, the disparagement of professional football, has really chafed Allen’s nads. Let’s take a look at her caveman gruntings about it. Read more on Lady Wingnut Has Had It Up To Here With You Being So Mean To Foot-The-Ball…
  Here have some news n stuff

NFL Tried So Hard To Get That Video Of Ray Rice Beating His Lady, No Really (Not Really)

Too bad there's no video
The NFL is still trying to convince us that The Big Manly Powers That Be never would have defended Baltimore Ravens sportsball star Ray Rice after he knocked his woman OUT COLD in an elevator, if only they could have seen the video of him doing that. Not the abridged video that shows him dragging her unconscious body out of the elevator after the fact; that was inconclusive, and besides, everyone said they were sorry, so what more could anyone want? Read more on NFL Tried So Hard To Get That Video Of Ray Rice Beating His Lady, No Really (Not Really)…
  clipbait

Stephen Colbert Perplexed By This Muslim Sportsball Man And His Exotic Ways (Video)

Actual penalty; Holding... the wrong religious beliefs
Stephen Colbert is just as puzzled as we were about the curious case of the Kansas City player who was penalized for Muslim Tebowing — especially after the NFL decided, no, that wasn’t a penalty after all. It’s not so much the religious freedom question that has Colbert perplexed as a more fundamental matter: Why are Islamazoids like Husain Abdullah even playing in the NFL “if they’re not allowed to touch pig skin? What’s gonna happen? We’re gonna have to switch to Halal balls.” Read more on Stephen Colbert Perplexed By This Muslim Sportsball Man And His Exotic Ways (Video)…
  Master class trolling

Watch South Park Troll The Hell Out of Sportsball Team Owner Dan Snyder. It’s Effing Awesome.

Now this is some Olympic level trollery, brought to us by the shy sweet “South Park” fellas who introduced themselves to the world nearly two decades ago with the Hallmark Channel-esque premiere episode “Cartman Gets An Anal Probe.” Read more on Watch South Park Troll The Hell Out of Sportsball Team Owner Dan Snyder. It’s Effing Awesome….
  Unsportsmanlike Conduct

Florida State F’ball Star Escaped Rape Charges, Will Pay Big Time For Saying A Swear

Really, we're all 12 years old here.
Good god, y’all, we know how sick you are of all the disgusting horrible woman abusers in the National Football League, so for a break, here’s a story about a disgusting horrible woman abuser in the NCAA. Not just any old college f’ball player, either, but a winner of the Heisman Trophy, young Jameis Winston of Florida State, who was accused of raping a FSU student in 2012. But the lucky lad was never charged, supposedly due to “shortcomings in the police investigation,” the greatest of which is that there wasn’t much of a police investigation at all: Read more on Florida State F’ball Star Escaped Rape Charges, Will Pay Big Time For Saying A Swear…
  stop hitting yourself

And Then There Was That Other Time Baby-beater Adrian Peterson Gave His Son ‘A Whopping’

How does this keep accidentally happening accidentally by accident?
For a guy who “never intended to harm his son and deeply regrets the unintentional injury,” Minnesota Vikings sportsball player guy Adrian Peterson sure has some poor dumb unintentional luck. It seems beating up his various four-year-old sons and causing serious injury somehow just keeps happening to poor unfortunate Peterson. Read more on And Then There Was That Other Time Baby-beater Adrian Peterson Gave His Son ‘A Whopping’…
  Blowback? What Blowback?

Defending Baby-beater Adrian Peterson Costs Money So Never Mind About Due Process

Yes, asshole, it was something you did
By Mike Morbeck [CC-BY-SA-2.0], via Wikimedia CommonsIt’s sarcasm-funny how only two days ago, the Minnesota Vikings announced that while “we take very seriously any matter that involves the welfare of a child,” there was no reason running back Adrian Peterson shouldn’t be allowed to kick the sportsball on the field while after being indicted for beating the ever-lovin’ crap out of his four-year-old son with a tree branch, leaving bloody welts all over his FOUR-YEAR-OLD body. (Or as certain internet scumbags and sportsball stars and “comedians” called it, good old-fashioned parenting like how they were raised and they turned out just fine so what’s the big deal?) The Vikings agreed that beating kids is bad, sure, but on the other hand, “due process and we should allow the legal system to proceed.” Read more on Defending Baby-beater Adrian Peterson Costs Money So Never Mind About Due Process…
  It's a man's game. For men.

Rush Limbaugh Can’t Believe Sportsball Players Aren’t Even Allowed To Beat Their Wives, Unfair!

Not a real man obviously
Have you heard the about the latest NFL outrage? Nah, bro, not that the Minnesota Vikings will allow admitted baby-beater Adrian Peterson to return to the game because reasons. And not the other outrage about how the NFL finally got around to firing lady-beater Baltimore Raven Ray Rice — because it just wasn’t obvious to the NFL that this was actually a bad thing, until it saw that video it hadn’t seen that it had totally seen. Dude, that is so last week. Read more on Rush Limbaugh Can’t Believe Sportsball Players Aren’t Even Allowed To Beat Their Wives, Unfair!…
  The Beatings Will Continue

Vital Sportsball Update: Admitted Baby-Beater Adrian Peterson Can Play Next Week Because ‘Due Process’

Just remember not to spike the poor thing in the end zone
Image by tiny hands creation We have important breaking news, America! Monday just got a little bit worse! The Minnesota Vikings Foot-the-ball organisation announced this morning that it will re-activate Adrian Peterson, the running back who was deactivated (but still drew a paycheck) for Sunday’s f’ball game because he was indicted on child abuse charges. This was not an easy decision, because on the one hand, child abuse is A Very Serious Issue, but on the other hand, what about all that money Adrian Peterson’s due process rights? Among other attempts to seem like they give two shits, the Vikings’ statement explains: Read more on Vital Sportsball Update: Admitted Baby-Beater Adrian Peterson Can Play Next Week Because ‘Due Process’…
  Domestic Terrorist

Child Beaters: Adrian Peterson’s Four-Year-Old Obviously Had It Coming

If you think leaving scars on a 4-yeear-old is OK, then no, you did not turn out OK.
[There are some fucked-up pics in here, FYI.] Minnesota Vikings f’ball man Adrian Peterson did not play f’ball on Sunday because he was indicted for child abuse on Friday. The abuse charges were brought in Texas, a state that isn’t exactly known for being unfriendly to corporal punishment, and resulted from a May 18 incident in which Peterson “disciplined” his 4-year-old son for pushing a sibling off a motorcycle videogame. In classic Old Fashioned Hypermasculine Parenting style, Peterson beat the boy with a small tree branch from which he had removed the leaves — which he stuffed into the boy’s mouth during the beating. The whipping left welts on the child’s legs, ankles, back, buttocks, and scrotum. Read more on Child Beaters: Adrian Peterson’s Four-Year-Old Obviously Had It Coming…
  We Never Should Have Hired Rosemary Woods To Handle Videotapes

NFL Totally Saw That Tape It Didn’t See Of Ray Rice Knocking Out His Lady In An Elevator

Uh, which video again? Could you be more specific?
Surprising absolutely no one, except of course the Dudes In Charge at the NFL, it seems, contrary to very badly timed claims by NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell that nope, no one had seen the incriminating video of sportsball star Ray Rice knocking out his then-fiancée in an elevator, it is in fact the opposite of that: Read more on NFL Totally Saw That Tape It Didn’t See Of Ray Rice Knocking Out His Lady In An Elevator…
  Mommyblog and no recipe hub

Football Murdered My Appetite

I’m fresh out of rope, the kind that I usually invite people to go and piss up. Snack season has been murdered, and I blame football. From the bottom all the way to the top, football ruined my appetite. The level of terribleness has met and exceeded my gag reflex, and I’m the lady who made corn dogs. Can you even imagine how bad football must be? Goodbye tangy dips and half-time pork belly. Clear eyes, full hearts, and blah blah blah what a crap sandwich. Read more on Football Murdered My Appetite…
  the doctor is in

Dr. Ben Carson: Stop Demonizing Lady-Beater Ray Rice, He Just Needs Our Help

You can trust him, he's a doctor
When you are trying to run for president without the benefit of current elected office or pre-existing celebrity, you have to make good use of the news cycle. Would-be Republican candidate Dr. Ben Carson did not hesitate to jump on the Ray Rice streetcar as it lumbered past on Monday but refused to pay the Ray-hating fare, insisting instead that the man who laid out his then-fiancée on the floor of an elevator simply needs our help. Read more on Dr. Ben Carson: Stop Demonizing Lady-Beater Ray Rice, He Just Needs Our Help…