How’d you guys spend Easter? Dinner with the family? Avoiding dinner with the family? Being a heathen or a Jew? No matter, because now you’re sad that you did not celebrate Easter chopping wood, like Jesus did (carpenters chopped their own wood, right?), with a beswollen Tim Tebow and a bearded dude from Duck Dynasty. […]

The National Labor Relations Board handed down a 24-page decision saying Northwestern University sportsball players are employees of the university and may form a union. Quarterback Kain Colter has been the face of the pro-unionization campaign. It’s no surprise this happened in Chicago, one of the last bastions of organized labor activity with balls. Let’s […]

You may be amused by the nine minutes of pure weirdness in this here exposé of the Secret Illuminati Symbolism in Bruno Mars’ Sportsball Halftime Extravaganza. Apparently, all SportsBowl halftime shows — like last year’s, with the Beyoncé — are simply shot through with Illuminati messages, because in addition to secretly running the world, the […]

There is some big news out of Steubenville, Ohio, today. In case you don’t remember how Steubenville got itself on the map o’ scandals, here is a refresher: Back in 2012, a slutty drunk slut (i.e., a teenage girl) went and got herself raped by two real nice football stars who were basically just boys […]

We’re going to take a short break from our American history textbooks for homeschoolers, because Alert Reader “Blanche” tipped us off to a self-published booklike object that we somehow missed when it splashed into the internet in late July: Great American Artist Jon McNaughton has written a novel that does for Teen Fiction what Christian […]

This is what happens, Tennessee, when you keep going harder, fuller batshit: you end up electing real weird guys! Now more fun things are coming about your state senator Stacey Campfield, of whom we apparently just can’t get enough! So what has Herr Campfield been up to lately, and/or several years ago? Oh, just yelling […]

Oh LOOK who is suddenly on the side of organized labor, now that a bunch of scab refs are messing with his precious football? (Hint: it is Scott Walker, the union-busting asshole of a governor from Wisconsin.)

A reporter asked Mitt Romney today where he thought free agent Peyton Manning should play football next season. Ahh, there’s a nice birthday softball question for ya! All he had to say was that he’s a Patriots fan, so he hopes Manning doesn’t play for a team in the same division. This is all he […]

Dirtbag clown/redneck millionaire Randall Williams — who goes by his legendary father’s name to better fleece the poors — done went and half-assed called Obama a “Hitler” on the Fox News, and you know you can only do that in code, or while huntin’ coon with Rick Perry or whatever. So the football show has […]

Sweet Jeebus, AOL has agreed to purchase popular liberal/Brangelina Internet destination “The Huffington Post” for $315 million! Why does AOL think this is a wise investment? And will Arianna Huffington’s citizen journalists continue to Win the Afternoon, with the hottest hot scoops (“D-List Celebrity Has Boobs” and “Ten Things You Didn’t Know About Celebrities Who […]

This year’s Super Bowl may not include Tim Tebow lecturing America about nearly-aborted fetuses, but it has something even better: Lord Ronald Reagan! Some soulless libtards planned the Super Bowl to be on Reagan’s 100th birthday, so to make up for this, the event will now include a pre-game circle jerk tribute to this dead […]

Hey! Super Bowl 666 (sorry – Super Bowl DCLXVI) is just days away. Which group of plus-sized men wearing leggings and suffering from multiple concussions/severe dementia will win? And will there be a multitude of funny beer commercials, for Rancid Piss Lite, et cetera, for all the miserable people watching on their HD wide-screens at […]

Still bummed out over America’s comedic loss of Christine O’Donnell? Relax! There’s always another Top Tier Clown that will emerge to provide the laughs in the next election cycle. And the 2012 Humor Olympics have begun, because George Allen will announce today that he’s running for the Senate in Virginia, in 2012! Just six years […]

Virginia’s George Allen may be the most brilliant legislator to ever play with a football on the Senate floor, but unfortunately, he also likes to use old-timey racial slurs of which nobody has ever heard, so he was defeated in 2006 for saying “macaca” on YouTube. It was an important moment in American history, according […]

Oh would you look at that, it’s already football season. Real Americans sit on their couches, flip between the games and their Tivo’d Dancing with the Stars, and stuff corn dogs and corn sugar into their mouths. But not Washingtonians! Here, the masses pile into fancy bars and feast on upscale football-watchin’ foods that don’t […]