Tag: football

What are we supposed to do with these finger puppets? What are 'fingers' anyway?

Wonkagenda: Monday, September 12, 2016

You get in here and read your news brief, RIGHT NOW!

What Are Fox News Patriots Saying About Terrible, Horrible America-Hater Colin Kaepernick?

Did you hear Kaepernick is a secret Islamic? Sean Hannity did!
You have the right to free speech as long as you're not dumb enough to actually try it.

Donald Trump Ready To Deport Sportsballer Colin Kaepernick For Anti-Flag Crimethink

America is a land of boundless freedom, as long as you don't say anything unkind about it in relation to the flag or national anthem.
This is really going awfully well for him, isn't it?

Wonkagenda: Monday, August 1, 2016

You get in here and read your newz breif, RIGHT NOW!

Snake Oil Bulletin: All The Single Demons In Formation To Put A Super Bowl Ring On It

Greetings, friends and loved ones, and welcome back to the Snake Oil Bulletin! Did you happen to catch the Annual Sportsball Faire last weekend? Both sportsball clubs sported their hardest, but one club sported the ball better than the...
Still the dumbest book cover in the history of U.S. America

Silly Goose Allen West Casually Death Threats President Obama For Grabbing His Guns

GRRR ARGH RAGE MAD OBAMA'S TAKIN' YR GUNS BUT NOT IF ALLEN WEST CAN STOP IT OOH AHH ANGRY WORDS GRRRR!!!!!!!ELEVENTY!!!!!! So, failed congressman, disgraced soldier, dirty whore pervert and all around human erectile dysfunction Allen West is mad about a...
No sex, no football career boo hoo hoo.

Tim Tebow Will Not Do Home Runs To Sexy Girlfriend Ladies

Tim Tebow is so good at football that nobody will let him play, probably because they're intimidated. (Haha, just kidding, they won't let him play because he is bad at footballing.) If you'll remember, he's sort of a hero...
Easy on the eyes, just saying.

Sexxxy Green Bay Packers Quarterback Tells Refugee Haters To Eat Astroturf

The past few days have been sad and disheartening. We began the weekend mourning with our friends in Paris in the aftermath of terrorist attacks meant to, well, terrorize. And then many of our own American citizens, including Republican...
And yes, the coaches walked out too. Impressive.

Sportsballers Force Mizzou President Out, Ending Racism Forever (If It Ever Existed)

Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed college sportsball players can change the world. In response to protests over his inaction following a number of racist incidents, University of Missouri president Tim Wolfe resigned Monday morning. While he hadn't...
The giant flags are a bargain compared to the jets, of course

Pentagon Blew Millions On Patriotic Sportsball Displays. Let’s Cut Science Budgets!

Terrific news! You'll be delighted to know the Pentagon doesn't always waste its massive budget on dumb war stuff. Sometimes it wastes parts of it on dumb sportsball stuff, too: roughly $6.8 million to pay for exciting patriotic displays...
Don't all teens talk like this? Especially on the sidelines of a f'ball game?

Sundays With The Christianists: Let’s Read Some Terrible Pro-Abstinence Comics!

Thanks to the extremely slow delivery process of an online fundagelical ministry, we have finally received a crackerjack prize we ordered back in August: a copy of the fabulous "Truth For Youth Bible," which is full of lies right...
Jesus needs to fix everybody in this week's Top Ten.

Dumb Duggars, Bristol Palin And Gross Kevin McCarthy. Your Weekly Top Ten!

Oh hi, Wonkers! It's Sunday afternoon, which means we're going to yammer at you for a minute before we go eat bloody marys for brunch. We hope you are having a nice weekend and your favorite sportsball team is playing in a...
Drop Kick Me Jesus

Georgia High School Adds Baptisms To Football Practice, Benches Constitution

Residents of Villa Rica, Georgia, are astonished that anyone could have a problem with a group baptism of football players on school grounds before a recent F'ball practice. Because they love America, and Jebus, and F'ball -- which is why it...
Is nothing sacred?

Houston Astros Hacked, Maybe Should Change Password To Something Better Than ‘LOLSPORTS’

In the Very Serious Business of grown men playing games, for money, here is another shocking tale of corruption in sports. This time, it's our nation's favorite pastime, as wholesome and pure and all-American as mom's apple pie or getting...
Still the dumbest book cover in the history of U.S. America

Allen West Can Keep Football Players From Getting Hurt, Just By Saying A Little Prayer!

Allen West, the Guardian of the Republic vile, disgraced torture fetishist and congressional race-loser who is also a creepazoid sex pervert, took some time off from those activities recently to discuss football injuries, and the best way to prevent them....
Amatchuah ath-ah-leets

NCAA Bans Homeless Football Player For Taking Improper Gift Of Sleep On Friends’ Floors

Silas Nacita has been homeless since he was a senior in high school, yet he managed to overcome that adversity and work his way onto two NCAA football teams. Unfortunately, he did all that while having the ever-loving gall...