No first lady could even fucking imagine making something as wonderful and perfect as your editor’s famous Wonkette’s Actual Awesome Real Cranberry Business. It is one of those things that just blows people away, because they assume it must be so hard to make real cranberry relish because why else would we eat that Jell-o’d aspic glob from the can? IT MUST BE SO HARD. No, it isn’t, so stop whining about everything, for once. MORE »

Thursday, November 26:We approve of all post-Thanksgiving-dinner-with-Mom-and-Dad drinking needs. The Washington Post has a lineup of where you can find the bars open on Thanksgiving night.  MORE »

Some 400 years ago the Pilgrims and Indians dined together to celebrate a bountiful harvest, and then the nice Pilgrims gave the Indians smallpox blankets and killed just about all of them. To commemorate this glorious occurrence in our nation’s history, we get the Thanksgiving holiday, and if you’re sticking around and braving a visit from your family, don’t worry, there will be plenty of things to do in the District. MORE »

Chevy Chase was at one time an area where the average wealthy and powerful lived, and where malls had special names like “Pavilions.” But now, with the addition of the Shops at Wisconsin Plaza, it has become officially beyond aristocratic. Good news for the rest of us: unlike Georgetown, it’s Metro accessible, so the riff raff of the District are welcome to indulge in all its shops and restaurants. MORE »

Cupcakes On Wheels: DC now has its very own cupcake truck, which is essential because you should never, ever have to walk far to buy a cupcake. Or Indian food. Or Korean food. Or whatever else you can buy from a truck in DC. [Curbside Cupcakes] MORE »

Here is your bit of foreign wine news, from the international country of France: the French like wine. They’re also governed by millions of strange laws, laws that allow them to protest protesting, being fired, and other privileged things. There is a special wine, Beaujolais Nouveau, and, according to said strange French laws, new batches of the wine cannot be served until the third Thursday in November, which is in like one or three days! Let’s celebrate. MORE »

The District is now home to yet another burger place, but this one isn’t run by an overexposed, self-proclaimed celebrity!! It serves sweet potato fries, has a disco ball in the window and a pleasantly unoriginal name, The Burger Joint. But all this just makes their overpriced burgers that much tastier. MORE »

Thursday, November 12: For their monthly happy hour, the Going Out Gurus are heading to the one of the sleaziest places in the District, Russia House. Get ready to drink a lot of vodka, and to eat free food, that is, if there’s still any available. [Going Out Gurus Happy Hour] MORE »

Ha ha, now that there will be tons of babies running around DC thanks to Mr. Stupak and his coathanger-friendly amendment, women should start indulging in food that they won’t be able to eat while preggers, including sushi. And thankfully, DC is a city full of raw fish establishments. MORE »

Wednesday, November 4: If you are even remotely considering cooking for Thanksgiving, we highly, highly recommend attending the Thanksgiving-themed cooking classes at Zola Wine & Kitchen. Shelling out a few extra bucks to learn how to make a turkey is a much better idea than serving a burnt, inedible one on Thanksgiving. [Zola Wine & Kitchen] MORE »

Ha ha, do you have the pig AIDS, because just about everyone in DC has it! Have you sneezed or coughed at all in the last decade? Then it’s definitely the pig AIDS, and you shouldn’t touch anyone, especially small children or old dying people, because you could kill them. There’s no Tamiflu left, oh well, but there are plenty of places in the District where you can get comfort foods that should help make your impending death by swine a bit more bearable. MORE »