Neither snow nor sleet, nor more snow and sleet, can stop what is coming this Sunday: Valentine’s Day. BLAH BLAH BLAH, you either love Valentine’s Day because you’re happy and in love, or its mere presence makes you want to slit your wrists. (Or you don’t care.) Well, whether you’re single, in a relationship or cheating on your partner, there are plenty of things to do in DC to celebrate this (happy? sad? pointless?) day. MORE »

In just three days, the Colts will take on the Saints in the Super Bowl, America’s best (only?) cultural product, even though it really should be a conquest between the Chargers and the Saints so that your Wonkabout could have won her pool and become a millionaire… But regardless, get excited for some homoerotic fun and teevee commercials that will reminds us to never, ever have an abortion: because all of God’s children grow up to be rich football stars who will never understand what it’s really like to risk death during childbirth, or to rear a child as a working-class single mother.  MORE »

Frozen Treats: Praise be Barack Obama, a new do-it-yourself frozen yogurt shop has opened in Downtown DC! Fro-yo lovers everywhere rejoice! [Fro.Zen.Yo via Penn Quarter Living] MORE »

Famous rodent prognosticator Punxsutawney Phil saw his shadow this morning, and, if you believe that rodents are savvy weather predictors (check), then we’re in for at least 6 more weeks of fun, freezing winter weather. Joy! In light of this glorious fact, we continue our series of “It’s super cold outside, life is hard, America has no money, what’s so wrong with stealing Haitian babies for fun, so who needs… a glass of wine?” MORE »

Whoa, hey, rough night of drinking thanks to the State of the Union? Why did he have to bring up the economy and the middle class so often? But it’s okay because you woke up to a new job today, right? America is all fixed! Hooray! Hung over, cold, and worried about TAX CUTS and what BIPARTISANSHIP could look like now that Obama is no longer as black? Outsource your hunger, it’s the American way, and enjoy some Pho- a magical hangover cure. MORE »

Wednesday, January 27: The State of Union is on tonight, hooray! What a great excuse to drink, drink, drink as Obama promises tax cuts for everyone and health care for no one! Ventnor Sports Cafe is hosting a drinking game watch party tonight. The bar opens at 5:30PM. [Ventnor Sports Cafe] MORE »

Normally when a restaurant is empty, well, it’s a bad sign and means that the food probably tastes like poison. But, this is not always the case: we bring you Levante’s, an empty Mediterranean restaurant that should not be empty! MORE »

Arianna Brown, daughter of President Scott Brown, is, yes, only 19 years young. According to her father, she is, or rather CAN be, very, very single. And, if she ever comes to the great District of Columbia, she will have options: There are things, MANY things in fact, to do in this alcohol-ridden town with someone who is under 21. Kosher things. Things that don’t involve centerfold shots. SHE’S PRE-MED, PEOPLE. MORE »

Thursday, January 21: As the Nation welcomes naked Scott Brown to his seat as President of the Teabaggers, we say goodbye to the fine folks from the Jersey Shore. Tabaq Bistro will recreate the debauchery of these less-than-human characters by showing the finale tomorrow on big screen teevees and providing plenty of drink specials, so everyone will be in fine form to beat each other up on the dance floor… [Tabaq Bistro DC] MORE »

It’s ridiculously cold outside, the days are way too short, and everyone’s favorite celebration of baby Jesus — and the time off that came with it — is long gone.  Who needs a drink? MORE »

Restaurant Week: It’s that fabled time in the great District of Columbia when restaurants open their doors to the plebeians among us, allowing them to indulge in delicious three-course meals for the affordable-ish price of $35. Either you love Restaurant Week because it’s an opportunity to try new places that you otherwise couldn’t afford, or you hate it because the portions are often smaller and you could probably get a better deal by just ordering off the regular menu. Regardless, this week is sacred to many in DC, and it’s here from January 11 to 17. MORE »

Today, January 6: We used to turn to alcohol to wash away the misery that is the 9-5, but now it’s all about the cupcake. Sticky Fingers Bakery in Columbia Heights is offering a cupcake happy hour the first Wednesday of every month. All cupcakes are just $2 apiece. [Sticky Fingers] MORE »

Persons familiar with the Iron Chef competition, which is a thing where cooks try to make whipped pike souffles with saffron mousse and venison dumplings in 20 minutes, were thrilled to find out that the White House would be somehow debase itself in conjunction with this competition last night on the teevee. So here was the deal: Michelle Obama invited four intrepid chefs to her House and demanded that they make a delicious meal for her using scraps from her magical garden. The entire affair was beneath the dignity of the White House, which in the past has hosted such luminaries as a soothsayer, a sweatered mummy, and a fornicating intern. MORE »

Ah 2009. Boy was it fun. Let’s see, our Kenyan master was sworn into office, everyone lost all their money, abortions were THE thing to do, we almost killed the moon, and now we’re off to war with Yemen! Hooray! What a fun year it has been and with just two day left let’s hope no one brings any firecrackers onto an airplane. Hello 2010! MORE »