It’s a very exciting day for Pensacola! While Barack Obama is distracted by irredentists in the Canadian provinces, King Juan Carlos I (Carl’s Jr.) and Queen Sofia, Los Reyes Católicos, traveled by aeroplane to Florida, which they first discovered in the year 1559. The Reconquista has begun! MORE »

Criminy! We have been hearing a lot about mortgages that go into default or foreclosure, and how the people holding these mortgages should talk with their lenders about renegotiating their loans. As a normal person with more than two (2) neurons flickering on and off in your brain, you probably assume that the goal here is to make the loans more affordable, which is to say, LOWER IN COST. Apparently banks sometimes disagree. MORE »

Oh well this is nice, HMM? Young Florida person Julio got the opportunity to ask Barack Obama a question at the Fort Myers town hall today and he was very excited about this. He explained that he’s a college student working at McDonald’s — he hates working there! — and wanted Barry to tell him what to do. Barry responded, “Uhh well once you get your college degree, then you can stop working at McDonald’s, dude,” but more politely than that. Hooray! Good luck with jobs and life, Julio.

OBAMA CALLS CRIST GAY IN PUBLIC: Con sarn it, only this morning we had decided we were sick of the old “Charlie Crist is gay” jokes, but then Barack Obama went ahead and delivered this line at their Fort Myers town hall meeting today: “Everybody needs to grab a hose, and that’s what Charlie Crist is doing right here today.” NSFW video at 23/6 “The Huffington Post Comedy Section.” [HuffPo]

Orange Florida Governor Charlie Crist is still so mad at John McCain & The Republicans for making him get engaged, to a woman, and then denying him the vice presidential nomination, that he will host a town hall with Barack Obama tomorrow in Fort Myers, Florida, to discuss the stimulus package. It is the cattiest step Crist has taken to hurt his party since before the election, when he extended early voting hours so that the blacks could all finish ACORNing their savior to the presidency, and before that, when he stopped Big Money Business from completely demolishing the Everglades. MORE »

One thing Republicans like to do is send racist shit to each other, whether funny black-face minstrel songs about the “magic negro” (the president) or funny newsletters about the watermelon and fried chicken certain black people (the president) always consume, or especially funny racist jokes about how black people are so lazy but they sho’ nuff gets to shufflin’ mighty quickly comes ta pass a colored (the president) becomes the president. MORE »

This winter season we have been repeatedly disappointed by an assortment of famous people’s refusal to run for higher office: Chris Matthews, after flirting outrageously with running for a Pennsylvania Senate seat, seems not to be interested, and ditto former Florida governor Jeb Bush who said he was more interested in “spending time with his family” (Q: gay sex furry pedophile meth-monster scandal brewing?). So which brave soul will step into the fray in 2010 and fill the massive shoes left by outgoing Florida Senator Mel Martinez, who was apparently the Secretary of Housing and Urban Development once? Charlie Crist, that’s who! Maybe! MORE »

Back before Larry Craig ruined it for everyone, being a senator was cool. You got to hang out with famous Washington hookers and drink single-malt scotch in smoky underground caves with Helen Thomas! But now the Senate is just a disgraceful purgatory for closeted homosexuals who are too young to retire and too old to go on “Dancing with the Stars.” Plus, as Al Franken has discovered, there’s all that hassle associated with getting elected, or, as Caroline Kennedy/Roland Burris/your mom can attest, the hassle of getting appointed. That’s why it appears that two fairly famous people who had sort of hinted at a Senate run will probably not run after all. MORE »

Here is a bold Internet prediction: the newly off-the-market bronze Floridian frat-mammal Charlie Crist will make a run for the presidency next go-round. After all the work he put into his failed quest for the Republican VP nod this year — everything from endorsing the reanimated corpse of John McCain to asking a lady for her hand in marriage — nobody would have been shocked if he had just quit politics altogether once the odious Sarah Palin stole his spot. But his decision to forge ahead, putting his bachelor life behind him and doing something nice for the Everglades, means just one thing: he plans to position himself as the safe, non-religious-wingnut, environmentally reasonable Republican alternative for 2012. MORE »

Oh look what your editor stumbled upon, yesterday, while researching the George W. Bush Jr. Xmas Gift Guide: It’s Florida Erection, the cult-classic homosexual pornography telling of the 2000 recount in Florida! Here, from the cover copy: “Hundreds of cum-drenched ballots are ignored by Florida Secretary of State Harris (Lana Luster) when she declares George Gush the winner.” MORE »

Why is it that Republican men who conduct their gay sex antics in public bathrooms cannot resist loudly and repeatedly proclaiming their innocence and heterosexuality in an escalating series of legal forums, all of which end up with judges and such saying “Nah dude, still gay”? It is one of life’s great mysteries, along with the human spleen and the “dewclaw.” MORE »