Tag Archives: florida

  Florida's own human crime spree strikes again

George Zimmerman Goes With Wine Jug For Lady-Beating, For Variety

here I am in court again!
Do you wish you could read more words about George Zimmerman, Florida’s own human crime spree and killer of unarmed black teenager Trayvon Martin? Has it been too long since you read one month ago about how Zimmerman thinks it would be a good idea for people like him (aka people who like to violence other people on the reg) to buy “self-defense” insurance? You are possibly thinking, “I wonder what George Zimmerman is up to these days, and if has stood his ground at anyone lately,” and if you are thinking that, then today is your lucky day. Read more on George Zimmerman Goes With Wine Jug For Lady-Beating, For Variety…
  thanks obama!

Evil Obama Forces Eviler Billionaire CEO To Give Raises To Everyone Instead Of Firing Them, Huh

He shall let them eat cake maybe
We all remember evil CEO and King of Versailles: Florida Edition Dave Siegel, right? He’s the nutbag billionaire founder of Westgate Resorts who threatened his employees in 2012 with a most excellent plagiarized chainmail, sent from his CrazyUncle@aol.com account, that if they voted for President Obama, he’d probably have to fire all of them on account of how the president was totally going to destroy the American economy even harder, with socialism and taxes and socialist taxes. While the economy was safe for now, he’d copy-pasted at the time, that would all change if the employees of Westgate Resorts dared to exercise their small-d democratic right to vote for, like, any candidate of their choosing: Read more on Evil Obama Forces Eviler Billionaire CEO To Give Raises To Everyone Instead Of Firing Them, Huh…

New House Speaker Louie Gohmert Will Fix America, Depose Dumb Drunk RINO John Boehner

Image via Daily Show video Texas congressman and casual House-floor snacker Louie Gohmert delivered blessed news to the nation on the first Sunday of the new year: he will finally rise to be the savior America needs by defeating John Boehner to become the new Speaker of the House. Read more on New House Speaker Louie Gohmert Will Fix America, Depose Dumb Drunk RINO John Boehner…
  Florida: A Living Segregation History Museum

If Florida Counties Have To Marry The Gays, They Just Won’t Marry Anyone. Happy Now, The Gays?

Like any agenda could be more gay than a Lisa Frank Trapper Keeper
So now that the Supreme Court has crammed marriage equality down Florida’s throat, some Florida counties are responding with a move that seems almost reflexive for Southern states that don’t want to have the wrong people’s “civil rights” forced upon them. Rather than perform same-sex marriages, the clerks of the court for five Florida counties have decided that they just plain won’t perform any marriage ceremonies at their courthouses anymore: Read more on If Florida Counties Have To Marry The Gays, They Just Won’t Marry Anyone. Happy Now, The Gays?…
  Our Cold Dead Hands

This White Lady In Body Armor Shot All Her Neighbors And Lived To Tell! Your Gun Fun Holiday Roundup!

Time for another of our periodic check-ins with the good guys what carry guns and keep us safe from tyranny with their steadfast devotion to Responsible Gun Ownership. First off, we have an inspiring tale from Texas, where Friend of Liberty Martin Gaytan regularly posted about his love of guns on Facebook, including a June repost of this inspiring and irrefutable case for why every American needs a gun: Read more on This White Lady In Body Armor Shot All Her Neighbors And Lived To Tell! Your Gun Fun Holiday Roundup!…
  The Derp Before Christmas

Derp Roundup: Zombie Baby Jesus Edition

And that's what Hearth's Warming Eve is all about, Zombie Brown
It’s a special Ho-Ho-Huh? Edition of Derp Roundup, the feature where we bring you the stories that don’t quite deserve their very own posts, but are too stupid to ignore altogether. So light the candles and gather round the hearth, and start drinking  first thing in the morning if that gets you through this mess. Absinthe is Christmassy, isn’t it? Read more on Derp Roundup: Zombie Baby Jesus Edition…
  Your Lump Of Christmas Clean Coal

Dumb New Mexico Hippies Refusing To Burn Their Fair Share Of Coal

Princess Celestia is going to be SO pissed about this...
Image by Daniel Nadelbach, Mother Earth Living In what’s just the latest of several similar moves to make customers who have rooftop solar electricity systems “pay their fair share” for being less polluting, the largest utility in New Mexico, PNM Resources, has proposed a surcharge on home solar customers, aimed at keeping those damned greenies from getting a free ride for the cost of their connection to the power grid. Read more on Dumb New Mexico Hippies Refusing To Burn Their Fair Share Of Coal…
  Here have some news n stuff

SCOTUS Throat-Crams Florida With Gay Marriage Because Duh, That’s What Happens Now

At this rate, we're going to run out of these
You really have to wonder why the “traditional marriage” crybaby bigots even bother anymore, when it’s so obvious that aside from the extra-ultra-conservatives who are in the teeny tiny minority, the highest court in the land does NOT want to hear their whining: Read more on SCOTUS Throat-Crams Florida With Gay Marriage Because Duh, That’s What Happens Now…
  Pew pew pew!

Florida Makes It Even Easier To Live Out Your Family-Friendly Gun-Humping Fantasies

Is the guy on the right also the guy in the middle, or do all gun-humpers look the same to Yr Wonket?
Orlando has long been a destination for theme-park enthusiasts, so if you’re planning to bring the kids to see Mickey and Minnie, be sure to swing by Machine Gun America, a brand-spankin’-new theme park that opens Saturday, Dec. 20. If you have to ask what kinds of fun things you can do at Machine Gun America, try saying the name out loud. Are you getting it yet? WTSP explains more. Read more on Florida Makes It Even Easier To Live Out Your Family-Friendly Gun-Humping Fantasies…
  Gun Radio: A Radio Show For Guns

George Zimmerman: Be Sure To Buy Your ‘Killing Unarmed Black Kids’ Insurance!

Ready for all comers
George Zimmerman has a lot of free time. His notoriety prevents him from seeking conventional employment, evidently, and he got fired from his last unpaid gig in that the owner of the gun shop he was lurking behind at night for security told him to stop it already. Plus there’s that price on his head. Read more on George Zimmerman: Be Sure To Buy Your ‘Killing Unarmed Black Kids’ Insurance!…
  Somewhere Out There Katherine Harris Is Salivating

Jeb Bush May Bless Us With Presidential Run

He's just so dreamy
In a Christmas present for America, former Florida Gov. Jeb “The Smart One. No Really” Bush announced Tuesday that he will “actively explore the possibility” of a presidential run, because his country needs him a whole lot. Taking to the traditional platform for such announcements, Twitter and Facebook — late-night talk shows are so over — the passionate nonentity said that the topic just sort of naturally came up at the Thanksgiving dinner table, as is the norm in American families: Read more on Jeb Bush May Bless Us With Presidential Run…
  Trolling The Ancient Yuletide Carol

Satanic Temple Getting The Devil All Over Florida Now

In a victory for something, we guess, our favorite Separation Of Church And State trolls at the completely serious “Satanic Temple” have succeeded in winning a place for their “Fallen Angel” diorama in the Florida State Capitol. You may recall that last year, their effort to have the poor wingless thing added to the Capitol’s holiday display was rebuffed as “grossly offensive,” although the committee in charge of the seasonal idiocy did allow a Festivus pole made of beer cans and a statue of the Flying Spaghetti Monster made of whatever you make that out of. Read more on Satanic Temple Getting The Devil All Over Florida Now…
  Stripper Recruiters For Strip-Mall Schools

Scammy For-Profit ‘College’ Knew What Students Want: Strippers

Phi Beta Strippa
In today’s “For-Profit Colleges Are Scummy and Bad” news, we bring you the tale of Florida’s “FastTrain” chain of educational institutions, which went out of business in 2012 following raids by the FBI. The company’s CEO and three other executives are now the subject of criminal indictments for conspiracy and theft of government funds through their scammy little quasi-educational enterprise, which at one time operated seven storefront “campuses” in the state. In addition to the usual elements you’d expect in a story like this — bogus training, high fees paid for by federal education programs, and leaving students with worthless certificates and piles of student loans that they’ll never escape, FastTrain also went out of its way to be especially scummy, and we aren’t just talking about the strippers they used to recruit students. Read more on Scammy For-Profit ‘College’ Knew What Students Want: Strippers…
  Love Thy Neighbor (Offer Void Where Prohibited)

Judge Orders Fort Lauderdale To Stop Arresting Kind Old Hippie Who Feeds Homeless, For Godssake

It's been that kind of day, you know?
A Florida judge ordered the city of Fort Lauderdale to temporarily stop enforcing a law it passed to harass a 90-year-old WW II vet who has been ruining the city’s quality of life by feeding homeless people at the beach. The law had been aimed squarely at the activities of Arnold Abbott, a retired jewelry salesmen who had drawn the ire of city officials by continuing to think that homeless people deserve food even though they are unsightly and not at all fun on the beach. Not that it was personal or anything; the law merely limited where volunteer groups could feed homeless people, required permission from property owners, and required any group feeding the homeless to provide portable toilets. It was all about health and safety, not trying to discourage anyone from helping the unsightly poor and mentally ill, who would have no doubt gone away if everyone just pretended they didn’t exist. Or if you steal their stuff. Read more on Judge Orders Fort Lauderdale To Stop Arresting Kind Old Hippie Who Feeds Homeless, For Godssake…
  Your Morning Maddow

Morning Maddow: Arizona And Florida Declare War On The Sun (Video)

Her graphics team has fun
Rachel Maddow has a near-solstice puzzle for you: Why on earth would Arizona and Florida, a couple of states with near-constant sunshine, take steps to actively discourage people from making use of all that abundant solar energy? If you guessed that lobbying from energy companies — and of course, the Koch brothers — might have something to do with it, you win Will Shortz’s voice on your answering machine. In fact, just before Thanksgiving, Florida regulators quietly gutted requirements for utilities to conserve energy, and also to eliminate solar rebates for homeowners at the end of 2015 in a deal that the Tampa Bay Times says “[gave] the investor-owned utilities virtually everything they wanted.” As of now, two of the sunniest states in the country are officially against solar energy. Stupid old sun, trying to keep fossil fuels from their rightful place and profits! And here we thought that Charles Montgomery Burns was a fictional character. Read more on Morning Maddow: Arizona And Florida Declare War On The Sun (Video)…
  Fuck This Shit

Marissa Alexander Officially Not Allowed To Stand Her Ground In Florida

We can't even come up with a funny alt tag right now, guys.
You remember Marissa Alexander, right? She was the Florida woman who fired warning shots at her abusive husband (and missed) during a domestic dispute and got 20 years for it. Fortunately, she got a new trial, and on Monday, justice was finally served. Unfortunately, as the piping-hot bowl of justice was being served, it was spilled in Marissa Alexander’s lap, and because this is Florida, she still has to pay for her meal. Read more on Marissa Alexander Officially Not Allowed To Stand Her Ground In Florida…
  Our Cold Dead Hands

A Responsible Gun Owner Thanksgiving

Not related to the story but CUTE.
With the annual Harvest Feast nearly upon us, when we give thanks for all our blessings, especially the Second Amendment, which makes all other blessings possible, let’s take a quick look at how America’s Responsible Gun Owners are keeping themselves safe from crime and preventing tyranny. Read more on A Responsible Gun Owner Thanksgiving…
  Here have some news n stuff

Ben Carson Getting Fingered By God

Not actually Ben Carson we don't think
Dr. Ben Carson is still thinking about thinking about running for president in 2016, in case you did not get the last eleventy zillion memos, newsletters, and singing telegrams. And look, here he is again, giving an interview again, about the same subject again, which we are supposed to take more seriously again, even though we can’t because we are practically dead from laughter again. Read more on Ben Carson Getting Fingered By God…
  Bow Your Head With Great Respect And Genuflect Genuflect Genuflect

Crazy Domino’s Pizza Catholic Founder Guy Has Super Interesting Ideas About Slut Pills

Hey, what if Rover's not a weather balloon? What if it's a big communion wafer?
How’s this for a description of heaven on Earth? Take a look at Ave Maria, Florida, a privately owned town — built to go along with private college Ave Maria University — where, as the website says, everything is nigh-perfect to raise a family: Read more on Crazy Domino’s Pizza Catholic Founder Guy Has Super Interesting Ideas About Slut Pills…
  not quite a thousand points of light

Wonkette Lifeboat: Your Hope-Enabling Election Results

Wednesday was one long day of avoiding the news, Wonketteers, and we understand if you’ve been busy numbing your pain by shopping for shoes or guzzling dark-colored liquors, but we would be remiss if we didn’t draw your attention to a few distant bits of flickering light, barely visible through the haze of unregulated coal emissions and hog farm waste pond fumes. In our wanderings in the ruins of this week’s election results, we have found a few things intact to help you remember that you can and will feel Hope again. Scott Brown, Non-Senator, Will Be Forever Haunted By The Great Pumpkin Riot We had Fox News on here in the Washington Bureau on Election Night, so it took them a couple extra hours, but eventually even they called the New Hampshire Senate race for Jeanne Shaheen. Four percent isn’t an insurmountable margin, so Scott Brown’s got to be asking himself: what else could I have done? More donuts for the volunteers? Bigger lawn signs for the people who didn’t want to do anything useful? Another sixer downed with the tailgaters? Let us help you out there, Scott. We can tell you exactly where you went wrong. In Keene, New Hampshire, 10 days before the election, you had an opportunity to bravely lead when drunk pumpkin mobs ran wild, menacing the tax-paying residents of Keene all around the Pumpkin Festival where you were electioneering. You could have climbed on an overturned car to address the crowd as a statesman who also speaks fluent Bro and convinced the hooligans to take their beers and go back to Chad’s porch and have a good time instead of throwing skateboards at the cops. You could have been a hero, but instead you tucked your pumpkin under your arm and ran. The people of New Hampshire need a senator who will wade into the fray to protect the community and isn’t just out to save his own gourd. Minimum Wage Workers In Four States Will Get A Raise They Will Probably Blow On Food, Rent (Sorry, Illinois) Minimum wage increases were passed by popular vote in Alaska, Arkansas, Nebraska, and South Dakota, enjoying margins that any political party would kill for. After years of talk from national Republicans, including wannabe presidents, about doing away with the minimum wage, voters came together across party lines to say that people who get paid less than anyone else deserve a raise. Voters in Illinois tried to do the same, overwhelmingly endorsing a non-binding resolution to increase their minimum wage. To go into effect, it will require the passage of legislation complete with signature from the state’s brand new Republican “CEO” governor, so we’ll be watching for that to never happen for the next four years. Two States and One “State” Freed the Weed (Sorry, Florida) Despite a strong showing in Florida, medical marijuana came up just short of passage: as a constitutional amendment, it needed 60 percent and got 58, close enough to suggest that advocates will be back. Florida should try to take inspiration from Oregon, where voters managed to legalize recreational marijuana on the second try with some minor tweaks, like a cap of eight ounces per person rather than no limit at all.  In Alaska, where the governor’s race is still too close to call at the time of this writing, voters approved a ballot question calling for a Marijuana Control Board to facilitate sales and regulation of pot by a comfortable 4 points. In Washington, DC, 69 percent of voters approved marijuana legalization, following ordinances passed in recent years by the mayor and city council to allow for medical marijuana and to decriminalize minor possession. If it was a state, the District would be a pothead’s paradise, but certain members of the House Republican Caucus have made it their business to derail DC laws they don’t agree with, including recent changes to marijuana policy. We’ve never met these congressmen, who find themselves to the right of Rand Paul on this issue, since the districts they were actually elected to represent are quite a distance from Washington. We’re looking forward to hearing these small-government conservatives argue in favor of federal intervention to nullify the actions of local government. Democrats Haven’t Lost A Senate Seat In Virginia Technically, Republican Ed Gillespie hasn’t lost either, since no winner has been declared yet. With 99.88 percent of precincts reporting on Wednesday evening, incumbent Democrat Mark Warner held a lead of seven-tenths of one percent, well outside of the margin where state law allows for a recount. Even if every single vote that remains uncounted goes in Gillespie’s favor, it won’t get him to the Recount Zone, so at this point we’re just waiting for the concession speech. (We predict a fiery performance that suddenly grabs the national spotlight and a swift appointment as Senior Fellow following a bidding war among the right-wing think tanks.) The recount lawyers for both parties in Virginia are expected to remain in their bio-pods, ready to be activated in a state that remains liable to break out in a recount at any moment. So don’t despair, Wonketteers — the world is not all darkness and doom. There are even some reasons to believe access to reproductive health care won’t be totally destroyed by our new Republican overlords. Voters in North Dakota and Colorado soundly rejected “personhood” measures to outlaw all abortion and many forms of birth control, so that’s good! Also, the Senate’s Jester-Elect Joni Ernst will personally provide you with free contraceptive measures, as long as you are a male pig. You can follow Beth on Twitter.  
  don't bogart the vote

Burning Issues: Is That Weed On Your Ballot?

Our great nation is in danger of falling under the influence of Reefer Madness this Election Day, with weed-related ballot questions in three states plus that fake state the “District of Columbia.” America, what has gotten into you? It’s almost like rational adults started interpreting statistics that say marijuana is less dangerous than alcohol to mean that they should maybe try making pot not such a huge crime. Read more on Burning Issues: Is That Weed On Your Ballot?…
  Here have some news n stuff

GOP Congressman Lee Terry Wins Coveted Convicted Killer Endorsement

Convicted killers for Lee Terry
Convicted killer Nikko Jenkins, from a Lee Terry ad Rep. Lee Terry of Nebraska is a real piece of work. He’s one of the charming fellas who insisted, during the government shutdown, that he was special and, unlike the rest of America, he really needed his paycheck because he, unlike the rest of America, had “a nice house and a kid in college.” Then he said he was sorry for saying that, he didn’t mean to seem like a total jerkwad, it’s not how he was raised.Being a jerk in all the other ways, however, is how he was raised, it seems, because he’s never apologized for his long voting record of being an anti-woman, anti-children, anti-gay, anti-healthcare, anti-everything jerk. Or for running some disgusting ads this election cycle, blaming his Democratic opponent, Brad Ashford, for the four murders committed by Nikko Jenkins after being released early from prison under the state’s “good time” policy. According to Terry’s campaign, there was nothing wrong with suggesting that it was basically Ashford’s fault that four people were dead — a charge so despicable, even former Republican National Chairman Michael Steele condemned the campaign.So it’s quite fitting that this week, during a competency hearing to determine whether none other than convicted Nikko Jenkins is competent to be sentenced to the death penalty (which is a whole other discussion for a whole other day), Jenkins endorsed, that’s right, Lee Terry: Read more on GOP Congressman Lee Terry Wins Coveted Convicted Killer Endorsement…