Tag Archives: florida

  theocratic jackwagons and the politicians who love them

Jeb Bush Super Proud Of That Time He Tortured Terri Schiavo, For ‘Life’

Brave Sir Jeb
Image via DonkeyHotey at Flickr Former Florida Governor Jeb Bush, who is actually a sack of flour dumped into poorly tailored suits, is out on the campaign trail pandering to the religious right like a good Republican candidate for president. Yesterday he sat down for a radio interview with Jim Daly, president of Focus on the Family, to brag about his actions defending life, such as the time he told his brother George W. Bush not to invade Iraq and maim and kill hundreds of thousands of people for absolutely no reason. Read more on Jeb Bush Super Proud Of That Time He Tortured Terri Schiavo, For ‘Life’…
  Extra crazy Florida Man for president

You Won’t Be Laughing When God Makes Koran-Burning Preacherman President, Muslims!

For a minute there we were worried that next year’s presidential race would be impossibly dull, which would be Bad for Yr Wonkette. Sure, Rick Santorum and Carly Fiorina and Rand Paul and Ted Cruz and Ben Carson and Rick Perry and Marco Rubio and Bobby Jindal and whoever the fuck else has joined the Republican clown car this week are Good for Comedy, which is Good for Yr Wonkette, but we all know Jeb Bush will be anointed by His Daddy’s Rich Friends sooner or later, and he will speak Hispanic at us and then he will win and we’ll begin bombing something in the Middle East, which is a Bush family tradition, hooray! Read more on You Won’t Be Laughing When God Makes Koran-Burning Preacherman President, Muslims!…
  The Gun Is Good. The Penis Is Better

Florida Pastor Has A Penis, Like Adam, Moses, Jesus, And All Real Leaders

Male supremacy: An idea whose time may at last be here
Meet Pastor Bill Lytell of the Gospel Baptist Church in Bonita Springs, Florida. He’s got a pretty fab new insight into how God wants things to work: Men should always be the boss of ladies, and not ever the other way around, because of God’s mighty penis and the hefty testicles of Adam, Moses, and Jesus (make no mistake though, they all lived at different times, and therefore their weighty mansacks never touched, so no homo). Read more on Florida Pastor Has A Penis, Like Adam, Moses, Jesus, And All Real Leaders…
  You'll have nothing and like it

Gov. Rick Scott Changes Mind Again, Murders Medicaid For Florida After All

The face of evil, basically
Florida Gov. Rick Scott (R-Not Actually Human) has seen the light on Medicaid expansion. You know, the original light he saw when he first opposed it, but then changed his mind and saw the other light during the 2014 election and supported it in a real tear-jerker of a speech that turned out to be all lies (surprise!). But now, in the middle of budget negotiations with the state legislature, he’s back to thinking Medicaid expansion is a terrible idea for Florida: Read more on Gov. Rick Scott Changes Mind Again, Murders Medicaid For Florida After All…
  Clean-up on aisle six

Let’s Jizz All Over The Walmart: Your Florida Roundup

Dumber than a speeding bullet
Lots of hot, fresh Florida Man action this week! Let’s dive right in and see what trouble he’s gotten himself into this time. Cited For Inappropriate Usage Of Floridian Genitals So … ever been at a Walmart, seen a purrrty lady walk by, and decided you needed to choke the chicken right fucking there? No? Meet 20-year-old jerker-offer Taylor Davis, who flogged the bishop and then wiped the, um, byproduct on a couple of Hefty trash bag boxes: Read more on Let’s Jizz All Over The Walmart: Your Florida Roundup…
  Take A Cruz On Denial

Now It Is Ted Cruz Who Is Poor Persecuted Galileo, And Climate Scientists Are The Church

Get your denier bingo cards out!
In a bravura performance Tuesday, Ted Cruz crammed an astonishing number of lies about global warming into four minutes of a longer interview with Texas Tribune reporter Jay Root. It was really pretty impressive! Cruz asserted that “we should follow the science and follow the evidence” on climate change, and then proceeded to reel off a whole catalogue of distortions, half-truths, and outright lies that have been refuted again and again. He hit just about every space on the Climate Denial Bingo card; for the sake of our sanity, we won’t refute everything he said, just some of our favorite stretchers. Read more on Now It Is Ted Cruz Who Is Poor Persecuted Galileo, And Climate Scientists Are The Church…
  Rick Management

Florida State Senators Taunt Emergency Chief: You Ain’t Allowed To Say ‘Climate Change’!

love the audience reaction here
Florida’s Senate had entirely too much fun taunting Gov. Rick Scott’s head of emergency management last week, trying to get Bryan Koon to say the words “climate change,” which, as we all know, is a Banned Word of Power in Florida’s executive branch these days. And who can blame them? Who wouldn’t love the chance to make the guy squirm, knowing that he has orders — even though of course Scott says there’s no ban on the words. Really? Then why won’t you say those words, Mr. Koon? You know the words. SAY THE WORDS. Read more on Florida State Senators Taunt Emergency Chief: You Ain’t Allowed To Say ‘Climate Change’!…
  He imagines stuff too

Marco Rubio Will Replace Obamacare With Obamacare (And Tax Cuts), Can Be Preznit Nao?

He has ideas too, you know
Pity poor Marco Rubio, the other young Republican senator with a fascinating story of his family escaping Cuba — legally, like good immigrants, not those moocher scumbags who don’t fill out all the paperwork — so their son could one day grow up to imagine being president of these United States of Jesus. While Ted Cruz has officially launched his campaign — if not a fully functioning campaign website — to be an official loser in the 2016 presidential election, Rubio is thinking about it too, you know, and he’d like some attention please also! Read more on Marco Rubio Will Replace Obamacare With Obamacare (And Tax Cuts), Can Be Preznit Nao?…
  Instead Of 'Floodng' Let's Just Say 'Boatable Streets'

Florida Employee Says ‘Climate Change,’ Has To Write ‘Science Is A Lie’ 10,000 Times

So it's a little water. Big deal.
So there’s this “Florida” place that’s gradually being swallowed by the ocean, what with rising sea levels. But Gov. Rick Scott is quite sure that isn’t really happening, because he is pretty much the mayor of Amity Island in Jaws.* If nobody in Florida government says “climate change” or “global warming,” the problem will just go away. Actually, what problem? There is no shark sea level rise problem. Plenty of land still above water, please come to Florida and build some more condos, won’t you? Read more on Florida Employee Says ‘Climate Change,’ Has To Write ‘Science Is A Lie’ 10,000 Times…
  A Shining Example

All Teabagging And No Brain Makes Maine Governor LePage A Dull Boy

All the tax rates float down here
Left: Author Stephen King. Right: Maine Gov. Paul LePage (file photo) Among things you should never do: 1) Vandalize a beautiful but haunted 1958 Plymouth Fury 2) Experiment with reanimating the dead; 3) Dump pig blood on Carrie White at the prom; 4) Suggest that unabashed progressive Stephen King would ever move away from his beloved Maine for the sake of lower taxes in another state. Unless you are Maine’s idiot teabagger governor Paul LePage. He got reelected, and now he wants to eliminate the state’s progressive income tax and replace the revenue with an increase in sales taxes, the most regressive tax possible. And worse, he kind of lied about novelist Stephen King in a speech touting the proposed tax swap (DO NOT CALL IT A CUT). Read more on All Teabagging And No Brain Makes Maine Governor LePage A Dull Boy…
  Revenge Of The Sea Level

FEMA To States: You Want Cash? Say Climate Change Is Real. SAY IT!

No Disaster Preparedness Funds for you!
In an elegant reply to politicians who aren’t scientists but don’t mind ignoring experts who are, the Federal Emergency Management Agency has come up with a simple solution: States whose governors decide there’s no need to plan for the consequences of a changing climate will no longer qualify for federal grants for emergency preparedness. For climate deniers like Louisiana’s Bobby Jindal, Florida’s Rick Scott, or Texas’s Greg Abbott, it’s a pretty clear opportunity for them to put their coastlines and their populations where their mouths are. Governors who refuse to consider climate in their states’ hazard mitigation plans could lose hundreds of millions of dollars in FEMA money. Read more on FEMA To States: You Want Cash? Say Climate Change Is Real. SAY IT!…
  better than new zealand maybe

Mind If We Grab Your Ass? Your Florida Roundup

Meth, baby
Florida. It’s a marvelous place, no? A place so resplendent that millionaire Major League Baseball players choose not only to call the state home, but to live in a camper behind a Florida Walmart, because Florida is just that fucking wonderful, even in a camper behind a Walmart. Read more on Mind If We Grab Your Ass? Your Florida Roundup…
  some guy walked into my fist

Trans-Hating Florida Rep Knocks Out College Student In Bar Fight (Allegedly)

See that handsome fellow up there? That is Florida state Rep. Frank Artiles, R-Of Course, who is absolutely not an aggro meathead who has a thing for transgender folks (a hate thing, not that kind of a thing, probably) and punching college students in Tallahassee bars because they get in between him and a drink. No sir, Frank Artiles is most definitely being set up by political opponents who want to unleash a scourge of transgender people using public facilities the same as the Normals. I mean, just look at that face! Read more on Trans-Hating Florida Rep Knocks Out College Student In Bar Fight (Allegedly)…
  Ten Thousand Applicants One Cup

Welfare Drug Tests Don’t Work, So Now Republicans Want Them Everywhere

We might go see a band named 'Welfare Piss Test'
In an enormous surprise to nobody who saw it fail miserably in Florida, it turns out that drug-testing applicants for welfare doesn’t work well anywhere else, either. Think Progress reviewed the seven states that currently require applicants for Temporary Assistance for Needy Families (TANF) and found that they’re all spending a huge amount of money to “ferret out very few drug users.” Imagine that! In addition to being found unconstitutional, at least in Florida so far, the programs don’t find many drug users: a far smaller percentage than in the general population. But that’s not stopping about a dozen other states — including Montana, Texas, West Virginia, and the libertarian paradise that is Wisconsin, of course — from proposing such programs, because slapping poor people around is always politically popular. Read more on Welfare Drug Tests Don’t Work, So Now Republicans Want Them Everywhere…
  The Glassy-Eyed Knoll

Ace Reporter Bill O’Reilly Killed Lee Harvey Oswald, Ran Area 51, Co-Piloted Amelia Earhart’s Plane

Don't be silly. Everyone knows O'Reilly doesn't know how to play bass
For fans of Bill O’Reilly in full red-faced “I never said what I obviously said” mode, the next couple days should be fun. No, Bill O’Reilly was not at a Kennedy assassination figure’s suicide, Deep Throat’s parking garage, or the moon landing. Read more on Ace Reporter Bill O’Reilly Killed Lee Harvey Oswald, Ran Area 51, Co-Piloted Amelia Earhart’s Plane…
  keep your gubmint health care hippie

Marco Rubio’s Obamacare Alternative Sure Is Doing Swell, Has Tens Of Customers Now

He has ideas too, you know
Do you guys all remember the time Marco Rubio — Jeb Bush’s understudy to be the presidential candidate from Florida who loses to Queen Hillary Clinton — and his merry band of Florida Republicans were all like, man, fuck this Obamacare bullshit, we’ll do it ourselves, and went and set up their own rad alternative health care exchange, this thing called Florida Health Choices, where you could buy health insurance (or at least discount coupons for certain services) just as Jesus and Ayn Rand intended and no babies had to be ’borted. Read more on Marco Rubio’s Obamacare Alternative Sure Is Doing Swell, Has Tens Of Customers Now…
  Jeb 2016: A diamond bracelet in every pot

Mrs. Jeb Bush Will Buy ALL THE THINGS

Jeb and Columba, a nice sweet couple from humble beginnings
So, uh, Jeb Bush’s wife has a problem. And it’s kind of a serious problem. You see, Columba Bush cannot stop buying ALL THE THINGS: [In 2000], she took out a loan to buy $42,311.70 worth of jewelry on a single day, according to records filed with the state of Florida by Mayors Jewelers. Read more on Mrs. Jeb Bush Will Buy ALL THE THINGS…
  Quite Literally Dank

Florida Cops Smelled Weed In Dude’s Butthole, For Reals

he seems... high
Yes, of course, it’s Florida Man again, and even though we have an official Florida Correspondent, sometimes the rest of us just have to hit a Florida story, too. You’ll forgive us if we don’t want a hit of this Florida story, however. In the wee hours of February 12, Gainesville police pulled over Winfred Alphonso McAllister Jr. after observing his car weaving between lanes. After asking McAllister to step out of the car, the cops said they detected the smell of marijuana; McAllister claimed that it had to be left over from an earlier time when he had smoked some, and insisted he had no weed on him. Which, yecch, was technically true because he had his stash in him. Read more on Florida Cops Smelled Weed In Dude’s Butthole, For Reals…
 

Judge To Obama: Stop Letting In All Those Immigrants Who Are Already Here!

Screw you, huddled masses
Wednesday was supposed to be the day President Obama officially rolled out the Kenyan welcome mat for all them illegals who’ve already snuck across our border to infect us with diseases and their strange foreign languages. But oh no, you can un-unfurl that Hispanic flag over the White House, Mr. Thinks He’s So President, because United States District Judge Andrew S. Hanen has put a stop to that nonsense, at least for now. Read more on Judge To Obama: Stop Letting In All Those Immigrants Who Are Already Here!…