Tag Archives: florida

  this is why we can't have nice things

Send Us Your Tired, Your Poor, Your Mentally Ill Kentuckians: Your Florida Roundup

This story has Bearing Arms AND Baring Arms in it!
Greetings, Wonketeers, from America’s Sam’s Cola, a state so strange and wondrous that all kinds of people are just dying to move here, and then some of them die here, because they are old. One of our newest denizens is a man named Adam Horine, but for some strange reason he did not actually want to come here at all: Read more on Send Us Your Tired, Your Poor, Your Mentally Ill Kentuckians: Your Florida Roundup…
  At least she didn't ask for the hot beef injection

The Snake Oil Bulletin: Give Us All Your Moneys, Psychic Jesus Needs A Butt Injection

Welcome back to the Snake Oil Bulletin, your weekly compendium of swindlers, frauds, and con artists, all of them here for YOU, dear readers, with the divine guidance to help you through all the traps and pitfalls that El Diablo can throw your way. Side effects may include lightened wallets, overdraft notices, and some nasty junk in that trunk. So tuck in, pull out your credit cards, and get ready for the best that $3.99 a minute can offer! Let’s get started. Read more on The Snake Oil Bulletin: Give Us All Your Moneys, Psychic Jesus Needs A Butt Injection…
  The Dumbshine State

Brazen Florida Teen Exercises Right To Bare Arms, Loses National Honor Society Gig

Honor, Justice, and the Right To Bare Arms
A junior at Fort Myers High School in Florida has learned an important lesson about academic achievement, striving for success, and standing up for yourself. And that lesson is that if a bunch of adults decide your bare shoulders are in violation of a dress code, then all that stuff doesn’t matter because you broke the rules, young lady, you’ll be stripped of the National Honor Society position you were elected to, and you should sit down and stop complaining. Just be glad you’re not a black girl with big hair, missy. Read more on Brazen Florida Teen Exercises Right To Bare Arms, Loses National Honor Society Gig…
  Florida Men

Fellow Gun-Humper Who Shot At George Zimmerman Just ‘Standing His Ground,’ What A Surprise

A true work of naive American art and his painting
For the “Well, Of Course, It Had To Happen” files today, we learn the attorney for Matthew Apperson, the guy who shot at American Second Amendment hero George Zimmerman last month, is planning on using a “stand your ground” defense, since it’s Florida and everybody needs to stand their ground before the Atlantic Ocean swallows the whole state. Read more on Fellow Gun-Humper Who Shot At George Zimmerman Just ‘Standing His Ground,’ What A Surprise…
  But who would ever be that dumb?

Look, It’s Another Republican Calling Bullsh*t On Dumb Obamacare Lawsuit

Yes America is that dumb
No one could have imagined that any state would be stupid enough or evil enough — or both! — to turn down free money to subsidize healthcare for people who need it. Literally, no one. Not even congressional Republicans who worked on the Affordable Care Act, while kicking and screaming the whole time about how it was going to murder all our freedoms and jobs and blah blah blah, whatever, turns out they were all WRONG. Because who would say, “No, I don’t want your icky free federal dollars so the people of my state won’t die”? And yet, here we are, on the verge of a decision by the Supreme Court about whether the law, which includes the words “established by the state,” allows tax subsidies for states that refuse to establish healthcare exchanges, or whether everyone in U.S. America should be able to get healthcare somehow, even if Congress was all clumsy and stupid and sucks at writing laws with words in them. Read more on Look, It’s Another Republican Calling Bullsh*t On Dumb Obamacare Lawsuit…
  it won’t hurt a bit we swear

Step Right Up And Get Your Vaginal Probe: Your Florida Roundup

So you guys already know how dumb Florida is. But can you imagine how dumb Florida’s community colleges are? No you cannot. Here, have a gander: Two Florida college students say they were forced to submit to vaginal probes as part of a medical training program and were threatened with blacklisting if they declined. Read more on Step Right Up And Get Your Vaginal Probe: Your Florida Roundup…
  poor babies

Guess Which Whiny Crybaby Congressjerk Wants A Pay Raise This Time

Congress
Just to prove that Republicans do not have a monopoly on dick moves, Florida Rep. Alcee Hastings, who is ostensibly a Democrat — the kind who won’t campaign against Republicans — is the latest member of Congress to whine about how underpaid he is, it’s so unfair, members of Congress can barely survive on their six-figure salaries, waaaaaaaah: Read more on Guess Which Whiny Crybaby Congressjerk Wants A Pay Raise This Time…
  the new york times has noticed florida man

Let’s Shoot Up A School Bus On Our Way To The Gun Show: Your Florida Roundup

Remember, kids, guns don’t kill people, people kill people (with guns)
  Is there an image that better sums up Florida? No, there is not. The story behind this is quite sad — two young girls were shot on a school bus; their injuries are thankfully not life-threatening — and not really the Times-Union’s fault, even though its editorial page is a cauldron of right-wing nonsense much of the time. Perhaps someone on the production end should have seen this and thought something amiss. But this is Florida, so that didn’t happen. Read more on Let’s Shoot Up A School Bus On Our Way To The Gun Show: Your Florida Roundup…
  asshole

Evil Gov. Rick Scott Would Rather Shut Down Government Than Give Healthcare To Florida Poors

Hi, I'm Rick Scott, this is what I look like.
Florida is having quite a dumb fight right now, simply because gross reptile Gov. Rick Scott refuses to take federal money to pay for low-income people’s healthcare if it’s got Obamacare all over it. So let’s shut down the government! Read more on Evil Gov. Rick Scott Would Rather Shut Down Government Than Give Healthcare To Florida Poors…
  Go on and spite that face

Moocher Red States Still Don’t Want Free Healthcare Money With Obama’s Name On It

Morans
While more than half of our American U.S. states are proficient enough at math to conclude that free dollars from the federal government to expand healthcare access to low-income citizens is a really good deal, some Republicans who are terrible at math and terrible at legislating and terrible in general still can’t quite add it up. Five years after passage of the Affordable Care Act, some red states are still debating, or outright refusing, free money because they just really REALLY hate President Obama: Read more on Moocher Red States Still Don’t Want Free Healthcare Money With Obama’s Name On It…
  Department Of Predictable Outcomes

Somebody Shot George Zimmerman, Let’s Speculate Why

Was Zimmerman targeted for Loving Freedom Too Much?
In breaking “Everyone saw This Coming” news, we learn that Second Amendment Hero George Zimmerman suffered minor injuries in a shooting incident Monday afternoon in Lake Mary, Florida. Lake Mary Police Chief Steve Bracknell said that Zimmerman was not badly hurt in the incident, which apparently involved Zimmerman and one other man. News video shot from a helicopter showed a bullet hole in the passenger-side window of Zimmerman’s pickup. Read more on Somebody Shot George Zimmerman, Let’s Speculate Why…
  This Fuckin' Guy

Florida Gov. Rick Scott: Yes, I Am A Lying Piece Of Sh*t

Yes, he's a monster
Need another reason to hate Florida’s governor with the fire of a thousand suns melting the ice caps to drown the state, even though you’re not allowed to say that there? Probably not, but Rick Scott is nothing if not ambitious, so here ya go, have some more hate for the guy: Read more on Florida Gov. Rick Scott: Yes, I Am A Lying Piece Of Sh*t…
  gotta keep them children motivated somehow!

Florida Parents: You Keep A ‘B’ Average, We’ll Keep Giving You Weed And Cocaine. Deal?

Funny, they look ... just like Florida parents.
Parenting is the toughest! You have to keep the kids fed, but you also want them to grow up and be productive citizens, and you don’t get a handbook at the hospital on how to make that happen. So sometimes you just gotta work with what the good Lord gave ya, and for Florida couple Joey and Chadd Mudd, the good Lord gave them drugs, so many drugs. So they figured, this house ain’t gonna clean itself (because they’re probably always high), and it’s not like they’ve got time to help the kids, ages 13 and 15, with their homework (because they’re probably … you get it), so they came up with a system. Reward the little children for good grades and getting all their chores done, with weed and blow! Read more on Florida Parents: You Keep A ‘B’ Average, We’ll Keep Giving You Weed And Cocaine. Deal?…
  no

Did Jeb Bush Personally Film Hardcore Porn Flicks As Florida Governor?

Shield your eyes!
Made you look. But here is an interesting thing that is coming back up, now that Jeb Bush is one of the Republicans likely to lose to Hillary Clinton in 2016. Did you know that, while Bush was governor of Florida, his administration used retirees’ pension money to invest in ALL THE PORN? It’s true, if by “all the porn,” you mean Florida’s State Board Of Administration invested money in a fund that, among other things, included a company called Movie Gallery, which went bankrupt in 2010, but at one time was one of the biggest movie rental companies in the United States. And wouldn’t you know it? Movie Gallery sold some porn, therefore Jeb Bush has COMPLETELY betrayed his social conservative constituents, who have never, ever seen porn in their entire lives, down in the basement, after their wives were in bed: Read more on Did Jeb Bush Personally Film Hardcore Porn Flicks As Florida Governor?…
  Florida Man's really done it this time

Let’s All Have Sex On The Beach, And Then Go To Prison Forever!

If this is a crime, then we're guilty!
Welcome to sunny Florida, NO FUCKING ALLOWED, at least not on the beach. Seems Florida Man has gone and gotten himself into trouble again, and he may do 15 years in the slammer, because he was so overcome by the romance of the waves and the long walks on the beach — you know, OKCupid stuff — that he popped wood and simply had to sex up his lady-friend right then and there. Meet Jose Caballero and Elissa Alvarez, convicted beach-boners, who are both off to jail, and who will now have to sign up for that sex offender newsletter everybody keeps talking about: Read more on Let’s All Have Sex On The Beach, And Then Go To Prison Forever!…