florida
Allen West Finally Surrenders, Kills Political Comedy Forever
Let’s “open the kimono” here for a minute: Your Wonkette does not want this great nation of ours to be run by perverts and crazies; but, in another sense, your Wonkette needs this to be the case, because pervert/crazy politicians bring in the pageviews and associated ad moneys. That’s why the endless vote-recounting wackiness in [...]
Allen West Insists It’s Not Over, While Singing Fat Lady Tramples All Over Him (With Votes)
At long last, we just might maybe have a possibly-final result for the race for Florida’s 18th U.S. Congressional District. We think. As you may be aware, Florida does not have the most competent election system in the Union, which has led to a wee bit of uncertainty about whether wingnut torture-lover and Muslin-disliker Allen [...]
Great GOP Hope Marco Rubio: Let’s Just Go Ahead and Let Rich People Do Whatever
Marco Rubio, who we have been told is the New Face of the Republican party, has a brilliant take on solving the so-called fiscal cliff: let’s just go ahead and let rich people do whatever they want because they’ll hire a bunch of lawyers and do what they want no matter what so we might [...]
Broward County Once Again Sucks At Life, Finds 963 Ballots In Some Warehouse
We almost went a day without a “stupid Florida” story. Almost. In case you have already forgotten and moved on, there was an election eight days ago, and going into it everybody was quite fixated on a small number of states, Florida being one of them. As it turned out, Florida didn’t matter because Obama [...]
Cool Florida Principal Investigates Straight Teacher For Turning Student Into Lesbian-Gay
Here is an incredibly stupid story for you! A teacher named Juliet Hibbs at Deerfield Beach High School in Broward County, Florida, was standing in her classroom one day, teaching some nonsense or other, who knows. (Because “Florida.”) As she stood there, she saw one of her students, an 18-year-old woman, slinking lower and lower [...]
Prominent Florida Bigots Unite Against Holidays For Perverted, Evil, Terrorist-Cult Children
Today’s lesson in religious tolerance comes to us from Florida, where we are talking about Islam, so, just a heads up, today’s lesson is going to be awful. The request was to close Broward County schools for two Muslim holidays, the end of Ramadan and the end of Hajj, for the same reason that the [...]
A Children’s Treasury of Wacky Swing State Voter ‘Irregularities’
Greetings Wonketeers, and welcome to the day before the day before the beginning of the next four years of our lives! Yes, as of Tuesday we can hopefully stop hearing about Mitt Romney and Bronco Bama, and move on to either sighing with relief or planning our move to Canada. But first, let us pause [...]
Gaze In Awe Upon Fox News’s Six Perfect Words: ‘Crack-Smoking Illegal Alien Registered To Vote’
Future generations of scholars and historians* will need look only to six perfect words (or seven if you count the hyphenation) to understand perfectly the first week of November, the year of our lord 2012: “Crack-Smoking Illegal Alien Registered To Vote.” It is a headline made for literature, and poetry. It may even surpass the [...]
We Are Sure These Mysterious Vote Tally Changes In Broward County, Florida, Are No Problem At All
Hey remember the 2000 election, when Florida went to Bush by 538 votes after he got a bunch of rich douchebags to go fake a “riot” outside the Miami-Dade polling headquarters? Well turns out you can avoid all of that unpleasantness if you just change the vote tallies BEFORE the election! Why, just this week, [...]
Florida Genius Protests Obama Taxes By Throwing Money At People
Everybody knows Florida politics is serious business, executed by serious people with reasoned and logical beliefs. We should all definitely take them seriously, because they are definitely sane and not at all the opposite of that. Take Gary Root, for example. The 71-year-old from Naples is less of an activist and more of a yeller [...]
Florida To Get Flaming Tap Water, Officially Become Hell
The oil-drilling technique known as fracking has caused its share of controversy the past few years: Maybe it causes radioactive rivers, maybe it’s marine life to blame. Maybe it causes earthquakes, maybe that’s the Dallas Cowboys special teams squad. It also, though, looks to pretty obviously cause methane contamination leading to flaming tap water, and [...]
Pollster To O’Reilly: Romney Is So Far Ahead In Invisible Polls That I Quit
David Paleologos, director of polling at Suffolk University, has “pulled” his pollsters out of Florida, North Carolina and Virginia because it is simply impossible for Barack Obama to win. Paleologos said the movement towards Romney in the three states was “overwhelming.” Obama was in particular trouble in Florida, where even before last week’s presidential debate [...]
Mitt Romney Molested By Over-Enthusiastic Floridian (Video)
Do you think dude is going to try to sell a vial of Romney’s sweat on eBay? Will he keep it next to his nightstand, in a special box, for sniffing? Maybe the guy just didn’t want Miffed Romney to have to wipe his face with his (debunked-ish) debate cheatsheet. More importantly, what (NONVIOLENT) thing [...]
Florida Politicians Sure Do Love Paying For Sex
How many elected officials in the state of Florida have to be discovered on a list of clients at a brothel before Your Wonkette deigns to write about it? One? Two? Three? Oh, no, wait, we guess it’s only two. So, noted central Florida pimp Mark David Risner, what sort of politicians did you lure [...]
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