Tag Archives: florida

  That we know of

The Seven Best Times Jeb Bush Embarrassed His Mother This Week

Just Jeb!
Just Jeb! Oh, that Jeb Bush! He is literally THE WORST at running for president of America. It’s like his entire life, he’s been living in the shadow of his dad and his brother, and he’s just really tired of how every single time he walks in the front door of the Kennebunkport manse, his mother Barbara drops her polite demeanor, stands up on the dining room table and starts flapping her arms yelling “LOSER! LOSER! SHOULDA BEEN AN ABORTION!” And Jeb’s all like “NOT AGAIN MOM!” but she can’t hear him because she’s cracked herself up so hard she’s looking for an inhaler. Read more on The Seven Best Times Jeb Bush Embarrassed His Mother This Week…
  Not that anyone's surprised

Planned Parenthood Sting Videos Are Full Of Bullcrap. No, Even MORE Bullcrap.

Everyone is getting tired of this Are we still talking about Planned Parenthood stealing baby parts from your lady cave, in the dead of night, to sell on Amazon? (Order with Prime and have it by tomorrow!) Yes, we are, groan and growl and MANY EXPLETIVES! Read more on Planned Parenthood Sting Videos Are Full Of Bullcrap. No, Even MORE Bullcrap….
  Money money money

The Snake Oil Bulletin: Why Did Jesus Send Us To Collections, Mommy?

PAY UP. Welcome back, sinners. It’s time once again for the Snake Oil Bulletin! We would like to take this time to remind our readers that unless you’ve paid your monthly $7.99 readers’ fee, in addition to keeping up on your annual $150 membership fee to our 2 Smart 4 Scammers Club, and thrown in a couple extra bucks towards Donna Rose’s college fund while you’re at it, you are forbidden to read this week’s edition of the Snake Oil Bulletin. We tried to erect a paywall like some sort of real newspaper, but we can’t afford to build that paywall unless you pay us the money to keep you away from our content! Read more on The Snake Oil Bulletin: Why Did Jesus Send Us To Collections, Mommy?…
  Oh look more good news

BREAKING: Obamacare Good For You, Whether You Like It Or Not

Yes, you do, whether you realize it or not Well, shoe horns and suck a penis, what have we here? Why, it’s another study about how terrific Obamacare is. But haven’t we already reported ALL the studies at you, a thousand frickin’ times, about how Obamacare is giving more Americans greater access to better and cheaper healthcare and saving everyone — the government, hospitals, your grandma — lots of money? Yes, we have, but it is A Day, so here, have some more: Read more on BREAKING: Obamacare Good For You, Whether You Like It Or Not…
  Homeschool Math At Its Finest

God Tells Florida Pastor Unborned Babies Will Pay National Debt, So Defund Planned Parenthood

One angry man o' God
Friends, Dr. Craig Connor is one unhappy man. He is unhappy that Planned Parenthood is coming for your children and putting little baby parts up for sale on eBayBee. He told his congregation at the First Baptist Church of Panama City, Florida, that he simply cannot abide the fact that his tax dollars are going to fund something obscene and offensive that isn’t a war, so he might stop paying his taxes so that no portion of them will go to Planned Parenthood. Worst of all, he’s just discovered that “we have absolutely no choice in how our money is being spent. Friends, that offends me.” Hey, pastor, now you know what it felt like to be a liberal when the Bush administration was spending a trillion dollars on the Iraq War. Read more on God Tells Florida Pastor Unborned Babies Will Pay National Debt, So Defund Planned Parenthood…
  Floridugh

Florida Jerks Super Excited Their Neighbor Shot A Kid, Saved A TV

Eff you, Florida
Stop us if you’ve heard this one before. Gun-toting Real American Hero Florida Man is just minding his own business and patrolling his charming suburban subdivision, packing heat as one does in Florida, when he sees a dangerous teenager, and, by the power vested in him by his volunteer neighborhood watch group, goes after the teenager, and then shoots the teenager in self-defense. And it’s perfectly legal, because Florida. The difference, this time, is that (a) the shooter isn’t George Zimmerman, and (b) the kid isn’t dead: Read more on Florida Jerks Super Excited Their Neighbor Shot A Kid, Saved A TV…
  Yooge Classy Foreign Workers

Donald Trump Imports Waitstaff From Mexico, To Keep An Eye On Them Probably

President Trump will pay for the wall with a 5000% import duty on these things.
The greatest jobs president God ever created is doing a fantastic job of creating jobs in America, even before he’s president. Donald Trump’s hotels and resorts have been especially good at creating jobs for foreign workers, according to an investigation by Reuters published Sunday. Not that this in any way contradicts his promise to bring all the jobs back from China and Mexico, because Donald Trump had a really good reason for getting visas for all those foreigners: They were cheaper, like the immigrant workers building his hotel in Washington DC. Look, the guy’s a businessman, and maybe China made him do it, just like it forced him to make his crappy Trump-branded clothing line in China. And if Donald Trump were president, this outrageous practice would stop, unless it were still profitable. Read more on Donald Trump Imports Waitstaff From Mexico, To Keep An Eye On Them Probably…
  let's gossip about the week's top stories

Sass-Mouth Barack Obama Sasses The Republicans, Sassily. Your Weekly Top Ten.

I laugh at you idiots! So much!
Hey Wonkers! It is Sunday, and whew, what a week we had! Your Wonkette got lost (broken because bad server was bad), but then was found (fixed with a shiny new server!), was blind but now it sees! And you all made that possible! If you have not had a chance, please read our heartfelt THANK YOU for all the moneys you gave us to help us in our time of need. Read more on Sass-Mouth Barack Obama Sasses The Republicans, Sassily. Your Weekly Top Ten….
  this picture is everything

Rick Scott Is Just Like Mother Teresa: Your Florida Roundup

Adventures in Sucking Up: The Florida Edition
We were worried for a moment there that after last week’s absolute and undeniable perfection, Yr Florida Roundup would have nowhere to go but down. And this turned out to be true, sorry. But we do have this wonderful picture of our dear pre-zombie governor for your edification and amusement, so yay? Read more on Rick Scott Is Just Like Mother Teresa: Your Florida Roundup…
  we are extra adorable this week!

Here It Is, The Most Florida Headline To Ever Florida: Your Florida Roundup

We will begin this week’s roundup with a headline that is too perfect, too resplendent, too quintessentially Floridian, for words: Gunshot victim dropped off at Walmart instead of hospital But because Yr Wonkette pays Yr Florida Correspondent to do words, let us break this thing down nice and slow. Read more on Here It Is, The Most Florida Headline To Ever Florida: Your Florida Roundup…
  You've Got To Be Carefully Taught Nothing

Florida Wingnuts Not About To Stand For Kiddie Books About ‘Nice Muslims,’ Hell No

Well that DOES look like indoctrination
A group of Very Concerned Parents are petitioning the Duval County Public School District in Florida to remove two books from the third-grade reading list because they’re simply too Muslimy for use in a public school. The books, Nasreen’s Secret School and The Librarian of Basra, are both by Jeanette Winter, and are based on true stories from Afghanistan and Iraq, respectively. And while both books are about the value of literacy and the love of reading, some parents want them gone from the reading list and the library, thanks to an online campaign describing the books as Islamic propaganda and potentially too mature for young readers. Yeesh. And Banned Books Week isn’t even until late September. Read more on Florida Wingnuts Not About To Stand For Kiddie Books About ‘Nice Muslims,’ Hell No…
  He's only racist against Muslims

Florida Gun Shop Will Keep You And Your Treason Flag Safe From Marauding Islamics

He seems nice
Andy Hallinan, the owner of Florida Gun Supply in Inverness, Florida, wants you to know a few facts about Muslims and the Confederate flag, because in his mind, somehow there’s a very important link between all the things he doesn’t like. For one thing, the Confederate flag is not racist or hateful, because just look at Andy Hallinan: He is not racist or hateful, but he does know that America is at war with Radical Islam, and that’s why his gun store is now a “Muslim-Free Zone,” which is a totally original idea that has never been cynically deployed to drive business, for America (and is probably perfectly OK with the Civil Rights Act, we bet). Read more on Florida Gun Shop Will Keep You And Your Treason Flag Safe From Marauding Islamics…
  greetings from america’s limp penis!

It Was A Bad Week To Go To The Grocery Store: Your Florida Roundup

Florida, for all of its many demerits, has one thing going for it: Publix, a chain of truly excellent grocery stores that stretches throughout the Southeast (Protip: There is no sub quite like a Publix deli sub). But every so often, the reality of Florida creeps in to this paradise of sundries. Exhibit A: The above fight in an Orlando Publix aisle, over, well, very Florida things: Read more on It Was A Bad Week To Go To The Grocery Store: Your Florida Roundup…
  dispatches from the wasteland

Lady Beaters, Fetus Shooters And Bar Fights: Your Florida Roundup (Is Extra Violent This Week)

Good morning/afternoon/whenever the Wonkette overlords click PUBLISH! This week’s Roundup is brought to you from our couch, because it is way too fuckin’ hot to go outside. (Bring on the Little Ice Age already.) Read more on Lady Beaters, Fetus Shooters And Bar Fights: Your Florida Roundup (Is Extra Violent This Week)…
  oh come on even south carolina figured this out

Dumb Florida Rednecks Don’t Give A Sh*t, Gonna Hoist Them Stars And Bars

Save yo Confederate money, boys, the South gon’ rise ’gain.
Perhaps you remember that unfortunate incident in South Carolina last month — you know, when that racist, Confederate-flag-waving shit-for-brains kid shot up a black church for being so very black and stealing the women he couldn’t get and whatever — and the world was like, hey, maybe having a century-old symbol of sedition and treason and slavery flying proudly above our state capitol maybe sends the wrong message? Sure you do. Even South Carolina, which, along with Alabama and Mississippi and, shit, the rest of the Deep South, rivals Florida for stupidity (rivals, not beats out), has figured this out. Read more on Dumb Florida Rednecks Don’t Give A Sh*t, Gonna Hoist Them Stars And Bars…
  we’re number one we’re number one!

Our Terribleness Is ‘Staggeringly Impressive’: Your Florida Roundup

Everybody ride that dinosaur
Thrillist, which is a website you would read if you didn’t spend every waking moment not already set aside for 8-balls and hookers staring lovingly Yr Wonket, puts together these dumb lists every now and again, as websites do. (Thanks for that, Buzzfeed.) And to celebrate Murca’s birthday, Thrillist decided to rank all 50 states based on, well, “everything.” Read more on Our Terribleness Is ‘Staggeringly Impressive’: Your Florida Roundup…