Tag Archives: florida

  So leadership many bold

Jeb! Bush So Proud He Quietly Hid Confederate Flag, Stuck It To PC Police

Take your time, buddy
On a scale of one to potato, exactly how stupid is Jeb Bush? All, yes, eleven, and yams. After ever so timidly suggesting South Carolina might perhaps consider removing the Confederate flag from its state capitol grounds, the way Bush did when he was governor of Florida — quietly removing it over the weekend while no one was looking — Bush is now very proud, and would like ALL THE COOKIES, for standing up to the PC police: Read more on Jeb! Bush So Proud He Quietly Hid Confederate Flag, Stuck It To PC Police…
  Here Is The Church Here Is The Steeple...Damn!

African American Churches Sure Burning Down A Lot, Probably War on Christians

Yes, we know none of the churches were in Mississippi. But YOU try finding a movie called 'Georgia,Tennessee, Florida and Both Carolinas Burning'
This is a bad thing: Six African American churches have been burned, since the June 17 murders of nine people at Emanuel AME Church in Charleston, and arson is suspected in at least three of the fires. The FBI and Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives are investigating, and while there’s no evidence yet that the fires are connected (and accidental causes are suspected in two fires), four Southern black churches burning within a week of a racist murder seems statistically unlikely to be pure random chance. Read more on African American Churches Sure Burning Down A Lot, Probably War on Christians…
  Stigmata cropping up all over the GOP these days

When Will God Stop Forcing Ben Carson To Run For President?

He wears long sleeves to cover up where they nailed him to the cross.
THESE REPUBLICANS, right? Ted Cruz explained recently that he hates running for president so much, but he has to do it, because God anointed him with Holy Spirit juice, and he’s the only hope we have to save America. Apparently, Almighty God is hedging his bets like a Wall Street Bank Whore, because He is ALSO forcing Ben Carson to run for president. Carson explained to Iowa voters that he doesn’t like running for president, he is having a very bad time, and he just wants to go home to Florida and be a rich old retired fuck, but, dammit, GOD HAS A FUCKING PLAN FOR HIS LIFE: Read more on When Will God Stop Forcing Ben Carson To Run For President?…
  Sunday In The Park With George Wallace

If Tennessee Renames Park Honoring KKK Founder, ISIS Wins

If you put a different name on this, it's the same as blowing it up!
Now that Tennessee has murdered the Confederate flag on license plates, and is giving serious thought to removing a bust of Confederate general and founding KKK member Nathan Bedford Forrest from the Capitol building, some Democrats in the state legislature think maybe it would be a good idea to change the name of Nathan Bedford Forrest State Park. The park was established in 1963, when for some reason there was a regular mania for naming things after Confederate heroes, but now some people think there’s no good reason to sully a lovely recreational area with camping and hiking trails by keeping it named after a guy generally thought to be the Klan’s first Grand Wizard. Read more on If Tennessee Renames Park Honoring KKK Founder, ISIS Wins…
  sluts sluts sluts

Oh Hey There’s A Shark In The Middle Of The Road, Guess The State: Your Florida Roundup

Actually set in Florida, true story
Let us take a break from the perpetual celebration of the arrival of Editrix Jr., our future overlord, peace be upon her, to remind ourselves that all is not so precious and beautiful in the world, and places like Florida still exist. To wit: Where the fuck else would you find a headline like this? Read more on Oh Hey There’s A Shark In The Middle Of The Road, Guess The State: Your Florida Roundup…
  never mind

Jeb Bush Doesn’t Think Single Moms Are Dirty Whores Anymore

Once upon a time, Jeb Bush thought a real good way to crack down on the scourge of unwed mothers was to good old-fashioned slut-shame them, for inseminating themselves without the requisite ceremony and chicken dance first. If only it were still socially acceptable to stone women in the town square or burn them at the stake, or at least make them wear “frilly pink jumpsuits” while picking up his garbage. But calm down, liberal media, you just calm the H-E-double-hockey-sticks down RIGHT NOW, because he doesn’t think that anymore, m’kay? Read more on Jeb Bush Doesn’t Think Single Moms Are Dirty Whores Anymore…
  Onward Christian Shoulders

Florida Teen Gets Honor Society Gig After All, Despite Slutty Sundress

Honor, Justice, and the Right To Bare Arms
For once, and probably never again, the state of Florida is actually the source of some Nice Time! You might remember the story last week about Cameron Boland, the junior at Fort Myers High School who was stripped of her elected position as her county’s National Honor Society “Historian” — really more of a social-media/press relations job — because she gave her campaign speech wearing a sundress with excessively thin straps. (We keep seeing them described as “spaghetti straps,” but those are at least linguini straps.) Anyhow, all the negative publicity the story generated seems to have shamed the school district, or at least made it say “Oh well, what the hell,” and now the Lee County School District’s superintendent has given Cameron back the “Historian” position. Another girl who also had her NHS job taken away for being bare-shouldered has been restored to the position of NHS president for Lee County. The girls will share their positions with the students who were chosen to replace them, so that all noses may remain safely in joint. Read more on Florida Teen Gets Honor Society Gig After All, Despite Slutty Sundress…
  Back in my day!

Jeb Bush: Let’s Get Rid Of Unwed Whores By Making Fun Of Them In Public

Baby did a bad bad thing.
Try to contain all your surprise, but Jeb Bush has been A Idiot for a LONG TIME. We know about his recent string of fuckups — “Knowing what we know of knowing about Iraq and stuff and things, it was not a mistake to invade Iraq, except totally was, QED!” — but today we present to you a Jeb Bush fuckup from 20 years ago, in his 1995 book Profiles In Character. How do we get unwed pregnant ladies and welfare queens and other miscreants to stop being all pregnant and moochy? By bringing back public shaming, of course! Here is your pull quote from the book: Read more on Jeb Bush: Let’s Get Rid Of Unwed Whores By Making Fun Of Them In Public…
  this is why we can't have nice things

Send Us Your Tired, Your Poor, Your Mentally Ill Kentuckians: Your Florida Roundup

This story has Bearing Arms AND Baring Arms in it!
Greetings, Wonketeers, from America’s Sam’s Cola, a state so strange and wondrous that all kinds of people are just dying to move here, and then some of them die here, because they are old. One of our newest denizens is a man named Adam Horine, but for some strange reason he did not actually want to come here at all: Read more on Send Us Your Tired, Your Poor, Your Mentally Ill Kentuckians: Your Florida Roundup…
  At least she didn't ask for the hot beef injection

The Snake Oil Bulletin: Give Us All Your Moneys, Psychic Jesus Needs A Butt Injection

Welcome back to the Snake Oil Bulletin, your weekly compendium of swindlers, frauds, and con artists, all of them here for YOU, dear readers, with the divine guidance to help you through all the traps and pitfalls that El Diablo can throw your way. Side effects may include lightened wallets, overdraft notices, and some nasty junk in that trunk. So tuck in, pull out your credit cards, and get ready for the best that $3.99 a minute can offer! Let’s get started. Read more on The Snake Oil Bulletin: Give Us All Your Moneys, Psychic Jesus Needs A Butt Injection…
  The Dumbshine State

Brazen Florida Teen Exercises Right To Bare Arms, Loses National Honor Society Gig

Honor, Justice, and the Right To Bare Arms
A junior at Fort Myers High School in Florida has learned an important lesson about academic achievement, striving for success, and standing up for yourself. And that lesson is that if a bunch of adults decide your bare shoulders are in violation of a dress code, then all that stuff doesn’t matter because you broke the rules, young lady, you’ll be stripped of the National Honor Society position you were elected to, and you should sit down and stop complaining. Just be glad you’re not a black girl with big hair, missy. Read more on Brazen Florida Teen Exercises Right To Bare Arms, Loses National Honor Society Gig…
  Florida Men

Fellow Gun-Humper Who Shot At George Zimmerman Just ‘Standing His Ground,’ What A Surprise

A true work of naive American art and his painting
For the “Well, Of Course, It Had To Happen” files today, we learn the attorney for Matthew Apperson, the guy who shot at American Second Amendment hero George Zimmerman last month, is planning on using a “stand your ground” defense, since it’s Florida and everybody needs to stand their ground before the Atlantic Ocean swallows the whole state. Read more on Fellow Gun-Humper Who Shot At George Zimmerman Just ‘Standing His Ground,’ What A Surprise…
  But who would ever be that dumb?

Look, It’s Another Republican Calling Bullsh*t On Dumb Obamacare Lawsuit

Yes America is that dumb
No one could have imagined that any state would be stupid enough or evil enough — or both! — to turn down free money to subsidize healthcare for people who need it. Literally, no one. Not even congressional Republicans who worked on the Affordable Care Act, while kicking and screaming the whole time about how it was going to murder all our freedoms and jobs and blah blah blah, whatever, turns out they were all WRONG. Because who would say, “No, I don’t want your icky free federal dollars so the people of my state won’t die”? And yet, here we are, on the verge of a decision by the Supreme Court about whether the law, which includes the words “established by the state,” allows tax subsidies for states that refuse to establish healthcare exchanges, or whether everyone in U.S. America should be able to get healthcare somehow, even if Congress was all clumsy and stupid and sucks at writing laws with words in them. Read more on Look, It’s Another Republican Calling Bullsh*t On Dumb Obamacare Lawsuit…
  it won’t hurt a bit we swear

Step Right Up And Get Your Vaginal Probe: Your Florida Roundup

So you guys already know how dumb Florida is. But can you imagine how dumb Florida’s community colleges are? No you cannot. Here, have a gander: Two Florida college students say they were forced to submit to vaginal probes as part of a medical training program and were threatened with blacklisting if they declined. Read more on Step Right Up And Get Your Vaginal Probe: Your Florida Roundup…
  poor babies

Guess Which Whiny Crybaby Congressjerk Wants A Pay Raise This Time

Congress
Just to prove that Republicans do not have a monopoly on dick moves, Florida Rep. Alcee Hastings, who is ostensibly a Democrat — the kind who won’t campaign against Republicans — is the latest member of Congress to whine about how underpaid he is, it’s so unfair, members of Congress can barely survive on their six-figure salaries, waaaaaaaah: Read more on Guess Which Whiny Crybaby Congressjerk Wants A Pay Raise This Time…
  the new york times has noticed florida man

Let’s Shoot Up A School Bus On Our Way To The Gun Show: Your Florida Roundup

Remember, kids, guns don’t kill people, people kill people (with guns)
  Is there an image that better sums up Florida? No, there is not. The story behind this is quite sad — two young girls were shot on a school bus; their injuries are thankfully not life-threatening — and not really the Times-Union’s fault, even though its editorial page is a cauldron of right-wing nonsense much of the time. Perhaps someone on the production end should have seen this and thought something amiss. But this is Florida, so that didn’t happen. Read more on Let’s Shoot Up A School Bus On Our Way To The Gun Show: Your Florida Roundup…
  asshole

Evil Gov. Rick Scott Would Rather Shut Down Government Than Give Healthcare To Florida Poors

Hi, I'm Rick Scott, this is what I look like.
Florida is having quite a dumb fight right now, simply because gross reptile Gov. Rick Scott refuses to take federal money to pay for low-income people’s healthcare if it’s got Obamacare all over it. So let’s shut down the government! Read more on Evil Gov. Rick Scott Would Rather Shut Down Government Than Give Healthcare To Florida Poors…
  Go on and spite that face

Moocher Red States Still Don’t Want Free Healthcare Money With Obama’s Name On It

Morans
While more than half of our American U.S. states are proficient enough at math to conclude that free dollars from the federal government to expand healthcare access to low-income citizens is a really good deal, some Republicans who are terrible at math and terrible at legislating and terrible in general still can’t quite add it up. Five years after passage of the Affordable Care Act, some red states are still debating, or outright refusing, free money because they just really REALLY hate President Obama: Read more on Moocher Red States Still Don’t Want Free Healthcare Money With Obama’s Name On It…
  Department Of Predictable Outcomes

Somebody Shot George Zimmerman, Let’s Speculate Why

Was Zimmerman targeted for Loving Freedom Too Much?
In breaking “Everyone saw This Coming” news, we learn that Second Amendment Hero George Zimmerman suffered minor injuries in a shooting incident Monday afternoon in Lake Mary, Florida. Lake Mary Police Chief Steve Bracknell said that Zimmerman was not badly hurt in the incident, which apparently involved Zimmerman and one other man. News video shot from a helicopter showed a bullet hole in the passenger-side window of Zimmerman’s pickup. Read more on Somebody Shot George Zimmerman, Let’s Speculate Why…
  This Fuckin' Guy

Florida Gov. Rick Scott: Yes, I Am A Lying Piece Of Sh*t

Yes, he's a monster
Need another reason to hate Florida’s governor with the fire of a thousand suns melting the ice caps to drown the state, even though you’re not allowed to say that there? Probably not, but Rick Scott is nothing if not ambitious, so here ya go, have some more hate for the guy: Read more on Florida Gov. Rick Scott: Yes, I Am A Lying Piece Of Sh*t…