florida
Nice Time! Florida Teen Who Constructed Hydrogen Bomb In School Sentenced To Space Camp
Okay kids, put on your thinking chaps, it’s time for a science quiz! Q: What happens when you combine aluminum foil and hydrochloride-based toilet bowl cleaner in a sealed container? A: You don’t have to go to school anymore, AND YOU GET TO GO TO SPACE CAMP! (Also a small amount of hydrogen gas is [...]
Stop! You’re Under Arrest For Being A Gay Homosexual Lesbian in Florida
Now that America is well on its way to being full-on gay homosexual rainbow flag-waving equality-for-all-land, what with state after state after state jumping on the marriage rights bandwagon and the Supreme Court about half a second away from being all, “Nah, dude, you totes can’t have laws that only let some people get married [...]
Are You Smarter Than These Gun-Toters?
With the astronomical amounts of derp spewing into the atmosphere over the IRS, the AP, and BENGHAZI!!!!11!!!!, it is easy to forget that Americans continue every day to shoot each other with guns in ever more inventive ways. Lucky for you that yr Wonkette is here to remind you that every time you think the [...]
Alex Jones: Asking People If They Meant It When They Threatened To Shoot Someone Is Worse Than Hitler
Do you know someone who threatened to shoot up the mayor? Well, Palm Beach has made a tipline, with social workers and mental health professionals and whatnot, to knock on their door and see if they are all right, and ask them to please not shoot the mayor. Does this seem reasonable to you? Well [...]
All Teenagers Are Terrorists, Florida Edition
Listen up, teenagers — the world is trying to teach you shit every day, and you are too busy with your Nintendos and Boone’s Farm to see it. The Boston bombing, for example, was chock full of life lessons, and since you are too distracted by Pop Tarts and the Ninja Turtles to take heed, [...]
Black Chick Lawmakers Get All Uppity At Nice White Man Explaining Genocide At Them
Hey ladies! Is there anything you like more than having dudes explain things about your womb-type parts to you? Probably not! You probably love it! You probably don’t understand how things like reproduction and abortion work, because of having all those lady parts. People of color! Do you like having white dudes explain things to [...]
George Zimmerman’s Brother Not Really Helping
Sorry dudes, but if you don’t want to experience the beauty and cosmic joy that is George Zimmerman’s brother explaining Race Facts at you, just go ahead and wait for the next post. Still with us? Then you get to learn that Zimmerman’s brother, Robert Zimmerman Jr.*, is tweeting pictures of Trayvon Martin coupled with [...]
Florida Person With Very Own Arsenal Kills Only Self For A Change
In a departure from the all too familiar script, a guy in Florida has apparently killed himself instead of going on a rampage with the stockpile of guns and homemade bombs found in his dorm room at Central Florida University the University of Central Florida. Morning classes were cancelled until the explosives were removed. At [...]
Pretty Much Nation’s Only Black Lady Republican Official Resigns For Being The Griftiest
That is too bad that Florida’s Lieutenant Governor, Jennifer Carroll, had to resign for being sooooo shady. She is pretty! And sometime we get lesby-rumors and accusations (lesbysations) about her! Those are both good things! But, wah-wah, unfortunately Jennifer Carroll is also apparently the griftiest lady to ever grace the state of Florida. FLORIDA. The [...]
Long National Nightmare Over: Jailbird Scooter Libby’s Voting Rights Restored!
It was a dark day in America when Cheney henchman Scooter Libby got convicted and imprisoned by Barack Nobama’s tyrannical army (and its Time Machine). A dark day indeed when you criminalize “politics,” wherein “politics” is defined as “blowing the cover of a CIA person just to make some un-understandable point about … well, we [...]
Michelle Obama Invites Awesome Haitian Lady To SOTU FLOTUS Box
Your FLOTUS correspondent can smell an ABC Family original movie a mile away, and this one smells like some combination of Ruby Bridges, that documentary about the choir for elderly people, and scallions. It is the story of Desaline Victor. Who is Desaline Victor? “At age 102, it’s possible Desaline Victor is the oldest guest [...]
Forget How Sexist This New Florida Logo Is, Let’s Talk About What They Paid For It
Some yammering feminazis are opening their shrill faceholes — which would look so much prettier with some dicks in them, are we right fellas? — about waaaah Florida’s new business logo is sexist waaah. It’s a man in a tie! says one hairy-legged hippie. Women don’t wear ties! says another one, who’s probably a lesbo. [...]
BREAKING: Florida Republicans Don’t Want To Steal The White House
In a major victory for democracy, Republican leaders in Florida have declared that they are against stealing a presidential election. Yes. Really. In the wake of a new legislative push by some Republicans in Virginia — who want to make it so Democrats can only get 4 of the state’s 11 Electoral Votes, after Barack [...]
Florida Pawn Shop Owner Will Sell No More Guns Forever
For once, Your Wonkette presents a story from Florida that is not calculated to leave you shaking your head and saying, “Effin’ Florida, man.” After the massacre in Newtown, Connecticut, a pawn shop owner in Seminole F-L-A has decided to get out of the gun-reselling business. Frank James, owner of Loanstar Jewelry and Pawn, said [...]
Let’s Decompress With A Sweet Story About A Mini-Donkey And The Boy Who Loves Her
In all seriousness, Wonkette people, today has been awful when it comes to The News. America’s every-other-day massacre was particularly horrible and heartwrenching today, as news came out that twenty-seven people, mostly kids, were gunned down in an elementary school in Connecticut. Gun rights enthusiasts are, of course, screaming TOO SOON and THE BODIES ARE [...]
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