Wonkette

Readers may remember the sad tale of Vincent Koley, the 74-year-old FEMA contractor who, while on a relief dispatch to flooded Iowa, hit some guy with his car and then beat him up with a golf club, all the while claiming that he could do as he pleased because he was “with FEMA.” Koley has denied saying that last part and says that the story is “all wrong,” except for such minor details as him hitting a guy with his car and then beating him up with golf clubs. But Koley remains in good spirits despite “all that,” because this modicum of local/Internet fame might finally get him into showbiz! Hollywood pitchers and the like! MORE »

Wonkette Semi-Aquatic Rodent Operative “Claiborne” asks this very important question, and the answer is: because they are terrorists. New evidence reveals that violent extremist muskrats perpetrated today’s breach of the levees north of St. Louis. Shocking video footage of these terrorists plotting their takeover of Missouri, after the jump. MORE »

Like a full goddamn week after Jesus flooded the entirety of Iowa, President George W. Bush will travel to our heartland to view the devastation today, and he will patriotically not play golf. But there’s a problem for the Republicans here: John McCain will also be looking at floods in Iowa today. Shit! You see, it’s extremely important to John McCain’s reputation as a Maverick Independent Hero that he not look at flooded homes with the president, because of Iraq. Alas, the McCain campaign fears that its flood-navigating canoes might intersect with Bush’s flood-navigating canoes, in Iowa, and the resulting paddle-splash sea battle will give Obama the White House. MORE »

The National Capital Planning Commission predicts that the entirety of Washington, DC will become a charming and bizarre underwater Victorian photo-postcard, reports the Examiner. MORE »

If we can’t trust the Democratic Party to keep their own offices dry, how can we expect them to keep us safe? MORE »