Tag Archives: fiscal cliff

  so long and thanks for all the fits

Misty Watercolored Memories Of Eric Cantor: A Children’s Treasury

We couldn’t possibly hope to fit all of our Precious Memories of Eric Cantor into a single column, so let’s just hit some highlights of a departing weaselface. (You might be surprised at the number of hits you get on a search for “Eric Cantor weasel.” Then again, you might not.) The only problem with a guy like Cantor is that there’s just so much petty douchery to pick from that we know we’re going to leave out someone’s favorite example, so please, add all you want to in the comments (as if we allowed comments). Read more on Misty Watercolored Memories Of Eric Cantor: A Children’s Treasury…
  crazy old men

Texas Senator John Cornyn: We Must Burn The Government To Save It

Sometimes you have to burn the village to save it, every soldier knows that, which means it also totally makes sense that you have to shut down the government and then completely deprive it of revenue to fix it. Hear that? Just SHUT THAT SUCKER DOWN, the economy won’t mind at all. And then when you power it back on, drown it in a bathtub, and this is how we will solve all of our problems. Of course, while it’s down, you might not be able to access certain services you have come to depend on (LOSER!) but guess whose fault it is? OBAMA’s, of course. Here, let John Cornyn (R-Idiot) explain at you: Read more on Texas Senator John Cornyn: We Must Burn The Government To Save It…
  inpea... zzzzz

Why Are We Impeaching President Obama Today?

Hullo Weekly Standard! Why are we INPEACHing the president today? President Barack Obama’s staff used an autopen (a machine that mimics one’s signature) to sign the “fiscal cliff” legislation that Congress passed on New Year’s Day. There was no ceremony or photo-op for the autopen bill signing. Well, that sounds like as good a reason as any! Let us learn more. Read more on Why Are We Impeaching President Obama Today?…
  today in hopelessness

Reports: Congress Expected To Continue Acting Insane

Good morning! It seems appropriate to complement all of this “fiscal cliff averted!” news with a polite reminder that this deal in no way means Congress will stop acting like scotch-drunk shitbirds with a hostage and nothing to lose. Read more on Reports: Congress Expected To Continue Acting Insane…
  he probably did not mean it literally

You Guys, John Boehner Said A Swear!

Remember just before Christmas, when we told you how everybody was dumping on poor John Boehner, for the minor crime of being a total mess? Turns out all this fiscal cliff hullaballoo may have taken a toll on Old Weepy. Late last week, see, while Boehner was in the midst of the legislative cat-herding that is convincing the far-right members of his caucus to act like actual human beings, he had to walk through the White House lobby. Also walking through that particular lobby in that particular White House: Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid. Seeing an opportunity for diplomacy, Boehner paused. He raised his hand, pointed at Reid, and, doing his best Sam Rayburn impression, said: “Go fuck yourself.” Read more on You Guys, John Boehner Said A Swear!…
 

Joe Biden: Damn It Feels Good To Be A Gangster

What’s Joey B. been talkin’ since singlehandedly saving the country or something (we don’t know, the Kossacks seem pretty ready to murder)? Here is Joe Biden over the past 16 or so hours: What’d you tell the Senate Dems? “This is Joe Biden. I’m your buddy.” What’s gonna happen with the House? “I think we’re gonna be okay.” And oh, what was that third thing he said? Read more on Joe Biden: Damn It Feels Good To Be A Gangster…
  cry cry cry baby cry cry

Your Wayback Time Machine To Last August’s House Vote On The Fiscal Cliff

Perhaps you have just watched John Boehner manage to stop himself from weeping through his press conference outlining where we go now, after yesterday’s ceremonial Shitting of the Bed. And you noticed (after of course noticing the ease with which he told fat lies like he was Mitt Romney in orangeface, again) that he mentioned several times that the inability to come to an agreement with the president and the senate is not the fault of House Republicans, because they passed a bill to replace the sequester back in August. Let us remind ourselves of what this comprised. Read more on Your Wayback Time Machine To Last August’s House Vote On The Fiscal Cliff…
  fiscal cliffsnotes

Your Big Fat Wonkette Guide To The ‘Plan B’ Fiscal Cliff Nonsense Tornado

What the hell happened last night, and why does everybody think John Boehner is a big toolbox? Ok. Deep breaths. We will work our way through this together. The problem is the “fiscal cliff,” which is a thing invented by Congress to make themselves look like assholes. House Speaker John Boehner (R-The Sun) and Barack Obama have been “negotiating” to try to avoid this cliff, because it is projected to send the country back into a recession. This is regarded by both sides as a Bad Thing, so, logically, both sides have also turned it into a big game of chicken, for Leverage, because, again, they are assholes. Read more on Your Big Fat Wonkette Guide To The ‘Plan B’ Fiscal Cliff Nonsense Tornado…
  never give up never surrender

Very Smart Republicans: A Deal Between White House And House Might Need Democratic Votes To Pass

Do you know who is very smart? Tea Party congresspeople. Here are some of them moving their lips, with syllables and words coming out to form sentences, about the “fiscal cliff” or whatever, who cares, boring: “If he [Boehner] caves [on fiscal cliff negotiations], he’s going to have to get it passed with a lot of Democrat votes,” [Louisiana Rep. John] Fleming told Breitbart News after the press conference. “So, just like with the continuing resolutions, there’s anywhere from 40 to 80 to even 100 members on the conservative side who just simply vote against it, so it [a deal] gets passed only with Democrat help.” Do you know when those words, in that order, would be anything remotely like “news”? If both houses of Congress and the Executive branch were all controlled by Republicans. Like, does our buddy John Fleming think a Democratic president would not get Democratic votes on his deal? Presumably so, since obviously the only “compromise” is “cave to the GOP House entirely,” the same “compromise”John Boehner denies floating: permanent extension of the Bush tax cuts on the top two income brackets, and the White House coming up with a list of spending cuts the GOP finds satisfactory. Read more on Very Smart Republicans: A Deal Between White House And House Might Need Democratic Votes To Pass…
  hot hot man-on-man fiscal cliff action

Lindsey Graham: Macho Man of the Senate

When you think big, tough, macho senators, isn’t Lindsey Graham really the first one that comes to mind? We’ve had many occasions to cover his manliness. Hell, we even did a children’s treasury of Lindsey’s butchest moments. That’s why we are sure it comes as no surprise that Lindsey visited Fox News to call for bold, throbbing action on fiscaldebtcliffceilingarmageddeon: Read more on Lindsey Graham: Macho Man of the Senate…
  very serious people

John Boehner Outraged That Obama Is Acting Like He Won An Election

Look at President Obama, prancing around, putting forth “unserious” proposals to keep us from falling off the so-called “fiscal cliff.” What—did he win an election or something? Because that’s what he’s acting like, and John Boehner wants him to TAKE IT DOWN A NOTCH MR PRESIDENT SIR, and propose something that’s more like what the GOP would propose if they were going to bother to propose something, which they haven’t. John Boehner so SO MAD he cried and reminisced about when he used to get to hang out at children’s gyms he wrote a letter about it patiently explaining to the president why he is wrong. Read more on John Boehner Outraged That Obama Is Acting Like He Won An Election…
  boehner killer

Courageous Nakeds Swarm Boehner

You know, there’s really nothing better than getting naked with your friends, amirite? Hanging out, feeling free, lighting some candles, putting on some Sarah McLachlan, applying body paint and glitter to each other, heading over to John Boehner’s place…OK. Maybe not that last part. Nobody wants that last part. Not even Mrs. Boehner. Is there a Mrs. Boehner? Yr Wonkette is far too lazy to check. Some folks from several HIV/AIDS organizations brought their extremely naked selves to Speaker John Boehner’s office to protest proposed HIV/AIDS funding cuts that get triggered when we all go a-plunging over the fiscal cliff: Seven naked protesters swarmed the office of Speaker John Boehner (R-OH) on Tuesday for some 20 minutes of loud chanting against cuts to AIDS funding… After police showed up and repeatedly threatened to arrest the protesters for indecent exposure, they eventually put on their clothes and walked out of the Speaker’s office. The three female protesters stuck around in the hallway to speak to reporters and were arrested anyway; the four male protesters appeared to get away, the organizers said. Here at Wonkette, we are mostly concerned with whether these naked men were of a Daniel Craig or Richard Cohen level of hottness. If the former, please to inform yr Wonkette where these nekkid men might reside. We are also either chagrined or impressed – haven’t decided for sure which – that the nekkids were able to be in the Speaker’s office for 20 MINUTES before they got dressed and/or arrested. NSFW pix (mercifully, not of John Boehner OR Richard Cohen, but sadly not of Daniel Craig either) after the jump. Read more on Courageous Nakeds Swarm Boehner…
  the rich are different from you and me they pay no taxes

Great GOP Hope Marco Rubio: Let’s Just Go Ahead and Let Rich People Do Whatever

Marco Rubio, who we have been told is the New Face of the Republican party, has a brilliant take on solving the so-called fiscal cliff: let’s just go ahead and let rich people do whatever they want because they’ll hire a  bunch of lawyers and do what they want no matter what so we might as well go with it. This, dear reader, is his actual policy position on the tax code: Read more on Great GOP Hope Marco Rubio: Let’s Just Go Ahead and Let Rich People Do Whatever…
  very serious people

Washington Post: Work Till You Are Dead Or Iran Will Kill You Anyway

Listen you guys. We know that you were looking forward to retiring at 67, but we just can’t have that because if we do, Iran will get a nuclear weapon and blow us up. This is the ACTUAL ARGUMENT that “Security Analyst” Robert Kagan is making in the Washington Post, so do not laugh (yet) because this is apparently not meant to be funny. It is meant to be a Serious plea for us stupid liberals to be reasonable and compromise with John Boehner in the upcoming “fiscal cliff” negotiations, because if we don’t, Iranians will come kill us and it will be ALL OUR FAULT for refusing to eat cat food and to continue working till we are dead. Read more on Washington Post: Work Till You Are Dead Or Iran Will Kill You Anyway…